-;•.•)•.•)/ ponies. ponies everywhere.
Welcome to the Jingleverse. Not everything here is as it seems to be: an immortal unicorn, an anonymous mob boss, a socially awkward shapeshifter, and several more, all living their lives as only they can.
All things considered, you better get comfy, it's going to be a long journey.
Maturity rating and categories are subject to change as the story progresses onward.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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you could do "I'm" instead of "I am"
this tells the reader that jingles has multiple personalities, so good job at that point
I find this short, but a good way to start it off allowing new readers to set themselves to see if they find it interesting or not. So far it seems interesting with a set character, and seemingly set story.
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Thanks.
I'll post it with the revisions.
Wait, what? Dropping wet things stops her from getting a cutie mark?
By the way I'd really like to know how Jingle was adopted by earth ponies. This was before all the pony groups made amens, right? There must've been at least one problem. You don't need to get into too much detail on that, just a tiny explanation.
And finally, there's a couple links I'd like for you to see;
(Commas/Semicolons) http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Commas-semicolons-colons-dashes-and-ellipses
(Paragraphing) http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Paragraphing
^ please look at the sentence in yellow, you've gone against it the entire story.
Alright! So I really hope you're not offended by this, cause I don't want you to be. I'm just trying to help because I see tons of potential in you. Aside from the errors, I can see you have a beautiful writing ability. I also suggest following this group https://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers/thread/150166/meta-school-directory
I hope this all helps!
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Sure, I'd love to be one of your editors! That'd be great!
Upvoted for your command of Ye Olde Tyme Speech. You actually managed to make Discord sound like Discord while correctly using Shakespearean-era thee's and thou's and generally sounding right for the time period. I can't pull that one off myself. Are you a fan of Shakespeare or other Renaissance-era writers, or do you participate in Renn Faires or something? There's really only one other writer on this site I've seen do this well with the old-style language, and he lays it on pretty thick; you have a lighter touch, better suited for the dialogue of characters who are bantering with each other. Nice.
I suspect it was intentional because you're really good with the oldstyle language, but just in case: is it intentional that Capricious addresses Jingle as thou and not you? I'm sure you know that most people would have used you with strangers, but a traveling magician/con stallion (who is going to either turn into or turn out to be Discord, plainly) might well choose to thee and thou the members of his audience, so I'm wondering if it was an intentional character bit.
Jingle is basically a unicorn cross of Pinkie and Troubleshoes, a character archetype I haven't seen much of in OCs despite the fact that they're kind of common in MLP itself. This is a good start; I'm intrigued.
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Hmm. The introduction nearly turned me off of this. "Hi, I'm X and here's all of personal information" isn't the most gripping of hooks. Still, I'm glad I stuck through it. The subtext has me intrigued. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
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I'm glad you like it so far. As for where I'll go with this, I have some ideas...
soapy clap race #anagram
FanOfMostEverything does raise a good point now that I look at it, perhaps you should take a different approach to the introduction. While personal information is pretty unavoidable in any first person story, you could avoid a greeting. Perhaps, if you'd like to hook people into your story, try looking at articles like this . Maybe even this thingy would help?
It's all about catching the readers interest from the very beginning.
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I agree that the beginning I have isn't the best way to start a story, but I must defend it on the fact that I do have plans for later on concerning the introduction, especially since the prologue is a story of Jingle by Jingle to a being she just recently met.
In essence, the characters are an extension of the author, and, as such, the author need only let the characters play out the situation, influencing how they are portrayed in the media they appear. You know?
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Oh, that's very clever! Glad to have learned that, I can easily say it's a very nice component to the story.
I am curious to see how it is going to go on.
Sorry for the delay; this wasn't showing up among my unread chapters.
In any case, certainly interesting, but a thousand words is barely enough for anything to happen, much less a plot to develop. I do look forward to seeing what happens when you get out of your current snarl, but you may want to consider putting some more in there for next time.
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Duly noted
Oh, Jingle. So young. So naive.
As for you, "Loki," you should well know that my end of the fourth wall is soundproofed. I can't exactly respond to you on command. I need to use the intercom. I thought you knew how this worked. In any case, whatever you have planned for Jingle, you may find it...
Well, I shouldn't say more. The last thing I want to do is dip my hand in a narrative that isn't mine.