BEHOLD, THE POWER OF THE NIGHdaaaaaaaawwwww...
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"Fine! But we're going to talk about this later!"
Special Agent Sweetie Drops makes peace with her past while Lyra Heartstrings realizes that life as a Clandestine Operative isn't all martinis and one-liners.
I apologize for nothing. Besides the errors and stuff, I apologize for those. First try at this and all.
EDIT: Featured on 9/16/16 for all of thirty seconds, but hay, I'll take it.
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Well, that was something! Quite an enjoyable read, I found the action elements of the story pretty well done, and I loved your use of comedy throughout. The only overall criticism I have is that the exposition could use a little work, as I found those parts fell a little flat. Nonetheless, a good story
Hahaha. Nice. I can't help myself...
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Just one mistake I found:
In the very first paragraph. This sounds like something I would say when poked in the stomach halfway through a sentence
6821002
Haha thanks, yeah I was rambling a bit in those first few paragraphs. Typo should be fixed.
C flat is B natural.
But other than that, I'm intrigued.
The school flashback was hilarious.
6821932
I'm afraid I don't know how to music. That was a result of Googling "how to read sheet music" for five minutes then making up something that sounded like it made sense haha.
The intensity is captured well in this story! Not bad!
8.8/10 from me!
Excellent start, but where are you going with this? :)
P.S. I'm pretty sure Bon-Bon's cutie mark is not in making sweets, secret agent and all. It's got to be in sweet-talking.
6823448
I only have a very vauge idea. Thinking spy missions will be via flashback as Bon-Bon reveals bits and pieces of her past to Lyra, pieced in with segments of current-day Ponyville as the two do... whatever it is they do with their free time. Lunch, meeting up with old friends, guilt-tripping royalty, that sort of thing.
A cutie mark in sweet-talking is brilliant. Perfect for a spy.
Heh...and now we know why Octavia has a stick up her arse...
It was a pretty good chapter. I just noticed a mistake when Treble Chef (the 'doctor' agent) orders Double Cross to contact the containment team, but then says that Cover Story nodded and went to contact them, when it should have been Double Cross. But apart from that, it was a really good little chapter.
6842590
Thanks, fixed it. I originally had them switched, but then figured why would I give a pony the name Cover Story and then not have him explain the cover story? He's probably been waiting for that moment his entire life
6843721 No problem, I'm glad to help. By the way, is Treble Clef's daughter Octavia? I don't know how i didn't got that the first time i read this chapter.
6849439 Yes, it was "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" at the secret government lab. Is it the best environment for a child? Probably not, but ponies have a pretty carefree, optimistic attitude when it comes to monsters or potentially-world-ending threats. I mean, Celestia just straight-up forgot to pack the Elements of Harmony when she moved to Canterlot.
6851184 Yeah, i agree with you. Although, i think Celestia intentionally forgot the Elements, probably out guilt for banishing Luna, or maybe Celestia can predict the future, who knows. Anyways, it was nice having a chat with you, cant wait for the next chapter!
Somehow, I imagined them to be CIA anyway. That is, Celestia's Intervention Agency.
I'm planning to use this at least for their unofficial nickname, myself.
6922866
Hahahaha I love it, but I had something different in mind for the initials CIA. What species is naturally talented at espionage and begins with the letter "C"? It ain't Crystal ponies, I'll tell you what.
6922898
...Centaurs?
Clever idea, though heavily predicated on what model of changeling society do you subscribe to.
6923077
Always liked Chrysalis being a pompous Disney villan and her subordinates klutzing everything up. Keeps them in balance when their natural abilities should make them terrifying. Andy Price's comics, Changeling: the Movie, Short Changeling Heroes, etc. I am a big fan of silly humor.
Also loved A Change in Fashion but srsly who doesn't?
6923242
Heh, my first thought was crows, after a bit of thought I came up with cats. Changelings make more sense though.
Looking forward to more of Bon Bon's stories.
This line here automatically made me think of the cmc even though it was intended to mean savings young lives so they can grow
this seemed like a bit of a cop out to me hmm. New head cannon octavia was the one that burned sweetie drops, accidentally of course
Aww I thought that one liner was alright
LOL.
7048453
That's exactly what it was. This story may have gotten away from me just a little bit and so I end up writing my way out of a LOT of corners.
7048775
It wasn't bad, but in the world of espionage there is no middle ground. You're either James Bond with the perfect quip or you're Sterling Archer with the "Wait, I totally had something for this..."
Definitely one of the better depictions of caffeine addled insanity I've come across...
7064456
I got about two lines in and realized, "wait, I'm just wriiting Pinkie Pie..."
It was a nice conclusion to the mission.
And I really hope that you continue with Sweetie Drops's tales
7072591
Careful what you wish for, it will inevitably morph into nothing but Double Cross and Evening Mist snarking at each other. The last thing FimFic needs is another buddy cop comedy starring two OCs.
Seriously though, thanks! I think I will soon, finishing a one-shot at the moment. I seriously gotta cut down on the length of the next mission though.
Wow just wow. So many shout outs it made reading this chapter fun. Poor Sunset had to do all that stuff twice!
7119654
Thank you! Yes, Sunset Mean Girlsed the Mirror Five so effectively because she's done that kind of stuff before. Between the perfect grades, social ladder-climbing, sabotaging her classmates, desperately seeking her mentor/mother figure's approval, and plotting her eventual world domination, she was your fairly typical high school/college overachiever.
I maintain this is nowhere near the ending until you get the CIA involved. :)
As a side note, have you considered that Lyra is mighty odd herself?
* Several times, she occurs more than once on screen simultaneously.
* According to the comics, she is a student contemporary with both Shining Armor (in Canterlot Academy) and Twilight (in SGU) -- see Friendship is Magic #11 and #40.
* There isn't even a single lyre anywhere in canon when Lyra Heartstring is around. The only one shows up well before Nightmare Moon in the hooves of Starswirl the Bearded.
One wonders who's the time traveler here. :)
7119908
Wow yeah, good eye! I kinda always pictured Lyra as the 'weird one with a normal life' as opposed to Bon-Bon, who is more of a straight mare in a world of insanity. But the facts speak for themselves.
After looking at that comic instead of preparing for a work trip tomorrow, I have come to the following conclusions:
-Shining Armor is an awesome storyteller
-As for why Lyra is in a CA yearbook, I came up with an explanation that almost worked: She snuck into CA on Picture Day to pull off the most epic prank in history. (Probably filling the lockers with Smooze. Also, she dragged Moondancer along and gave her a makeover) I thought this worked until I realized that Shining Armor has to be at least five years or so ahead of Twilight and the girls. Even if ponies go to the same school for middle school, high school, college, etc, Shiny would need a few years in there to earn his ROTC commission and reach the rank of Captain. (3 years in service, except for the Navy). So, yeah. Time travel?
-Multiple Lyras - Also time travel? Or Changelings. Starswirl's Razor states that, for any problem, the Changelingiest explanation is usually the correct one. Maybe Lyra's their default disguise.
-I just now realized that a harp and a lyre are different things.
7120305
I don't have anything generally applicable beyond either time travel or changelings using the Lyra disguise repeatedly. Maybe there's a centerfold floating around somewhere which they got their hooves on? That would, however, imply that a changeling impersonating a younger version of Lyra attended the SGU... I'm not sure the whole thing can be cleanly welded at all.
Well, for my story I have the perfect explanation for this one, but it's quite unorthodox... :)
7120445
Yeah we're passed the point of "welding" and onto "haphazardly applied duct tape." Though, after trying to figure it out I now finally get Tennant's Principle of Time Travel. Wibbly-wobbly indeed.
7120603
Actually, come to think of it...
Assuming she's the narrator for at least some of the incidents... ;)
Well done! Really looking forward to more.
Thanks! I was worried it's a little too drawn-out; it only took me nine chapters to introduce the antagonist.
7336469 They were nine well-paced chapters where lots of stuff happens. I've seen way worse.
Read this on a Kindle over vacation, loved it, looking forward for more.
7345483
Thank you, I actually wrote most of it in a similar fashion. (At various hotels on work overnights.) Loved Tantabus MkII by the way, it was brilliant.
This is one of the best spy stories, and one of the best stories I have read here in general. I am really looking forward to more- I hope you are not going to leave us on such a cliffhanger :(
Also, the SCP references are just great :D
Well that is not good news about those bombs. So I take it that General Ripper is a reference to General "Thunderbolt" Ross?
7569098
I took the name from General Jack D. Ripper of Dr. Strangelove, thought it would work well as a pony name. He could be any crazy "nuke-em-all" military man stereotype, though.
I love how the armed explosive that is set to explode at some point "below" sea level is to be put in a sealed sarcophagus at the bottom of a mineshaft which is "below" sea level.
I understand that there is a pressure difference between below water and below earth so all some pony would have to do is hook it up to a compressor and let the the pressure build until boom
7569948
Yeah it's not the best solution in the world, but they're used to burying things underground and when all you have is a hammer...
They didn't dump it in a bottomless pit because that's the best way to keep it from exploding, they did it because if it does explode, that's the place it'll do the least damage. Canterlot will be fine, it's deep enough so it'll barely rattle the chandeliers in the palace. Even Starswirl's old stallion-cave will be relatively undamaged. The base, not so much.
I thought about it and came up with a few workarounds, (It's not actually 'buried,' it's sitting at the bottom of a very deep open air shaft, so it's essentially surrounded by one atmosphere of air pressure... until a pipe bursts. The box is magically sealed blah blah blah...) But you're right, it really isn't the best solution, more just a temporary setup while they try to figure it out. Of course, they've also failed to see the logic that storing supernatural catastrophes waiting to happen directly underneath the capital city of Equestria maybe isn't the smartest thing to do, so it's possible that the Director just has a firm hoofgrip on the Idiot Ball. Would explain why they let their kids run around a monster prison unchecked.
Liked the General Ripper reference (though maybe Buck Turgidson playing with a Big Freakin' Firecracker would have worked, too).
Loved the nod to BtVS... Now, we just need to get Tony, Sarah, Allison, Nick, and Michelle to sign on as VAs
7570603
Half the fun of this whole writing thing is coming up with punny pony names for cameos.
Why a man I not surprised that sort of incident was seen as common place at Celestia's school. The teacher just brushed it off when she recognized what was happening and with a little help kicked its plot.
7629006
Yeah, SGU is basically Hogwarts in all but name haha.