Removed from the land of equestria and banished to a realm untouched by time for a thousand years stands the kingdom of Tambelon, home to the demonic ram necromancer Grogar and his dark army.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 4th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2022
CaiusTheShadowPony
Im just an ordinary guy, who enjoys reading fun stories. Sic Nos Sic Sacra Tuemur
CaiusTheShadowPony
Joined 4th Jan, 2016 ·
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if anyone reading this would be up for helping out by telling me where i'm going wrong it would be much appreciated
6920824 thank you very much i'm glad your enjoying it Grogar was and still is my favorite villain from G1 so I wanted to try and do him justice in the story
All I have to say is
this is in general.
While I have never seen the prior generation of the show I have done some reading in on their respective villains, Grogar in particular. I must say your depictions of him leave me wanting more. Good job, I look forward to seeing the next chapter.
Hello! I'm here from Commence Comments!
Your story's premise certainly has potential- I'm always down for a good ole dark fic, and this villain seems to have a pretty far reaching plot which makes me excited to see unfold. However your grammatical errors and need for editing is diminishing your work.
The first problems to face would be tense. Your first chapter wobbles back and forth between present and past tense. Pick one and stick to it. It appears you've largely decided on past, but go through your past work to ensure this decision is reflected throughout every chapter. Even though it is in the past for you, it's really important to give new viewers the best impression of your fic, which means making it readable.
Regarding your descriptions: I think in certain places you could give us much more in terms of how the environment is affecting the characters, or what the characters are feeling or thinking. You give us the bare minimum sometimes, but I so greatly want to know what the scene is supposed to look like. I think you could also benefit from reading this article: http://www.sfwriter.com/ow04.htm
Another article I'd recommend is regarding dialogue. Many of your OCs have the same voice. By that I mean, they all speak the same way- and other than you coloring the text, I cannot differentiate them. However, you did a fantastic job at the introduction of the Mane Six. Even though you didn't say who exactly was speaking which line, I immediately knew who was who. Start fleshing out your OCs a bit more- their history, personality, style; give them some oompf, and you won't need to color their text to indicate who is speaking. https://writingishardwork.com/2012/09/05/writing-believable-dialogue/
Finally the last recommendation I can give is to look at the FiMfiction's g-doc on editing and grammar. I think it will give you some great direction for the future. I'd also suggest reading your chapters outloud to yourself before posting. That can help you catch many errors. Getting an editor I think would be EXTREMELY helpful to you- I'd suggest getting one who is willing to constantly poke you for more if they think you do not give enough details in the first try.
But like I said; you have a very promising idea. I wish you well and will be watching your progress.
7364079 Thank you very much for your advice, and for reading my story. I will definitely look into those, and try to get an editor at some point, before I release the next chapter.
Thank you and have a nice day
7365209
It's my pleasure to help you out. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask here or in PMs. :) Good luck!!