- Member Since 19th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Space Jazz
god gives her hardest battles to her silliest of girlies
Space Jazz
Joined 19th Dec, 2011 ·
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Space Jazz · 74k words · 536 10 · 7.8k views
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I admit, I am not the biggest fan in the world of the first person perspective, but that being said, I liked the first chapter. Characters are recognizable, descriptions are nice and the pacing is good, as well. Plus, there's never enough of either Sunlight, so let's see where it takes us.
it different yet not different, I love it cant wait to read more, please update when you can and thanks for the story
I like it! Will there be more?
I like it. No obvious spelling or grammatical errors yet, and I'm a sucker for anything SunLight related. Keep up the good work.
This is AMAZING so far.
can't wait to keep reading
You have my interest, Mr. Jazz,
s6.postimg.org/5ul2jmext/continue_Monkey.jpg
It's sort of a cliché, isn't it? The emotionally- and socially-repressed bookworm falling for the ultra-extrovert and hot bad-girl? What makes this story worth the reading is your success in capturing Twilight's inner voice. The fact that this is a POV rather than a more conventional third person narrative means that we can look forward to a lot of her own inner viewpoint of the group which seems to have been adopted her and the alien girl who has captured her attention.
6772453 Yeah, I tried to write it in third person, but I had to rewrite it because I felt it just needed Twilight's voice present all the time to justify her somewhat shaky motivations and plans. This site definitely needs more Sunlight even if I have to come back to do it. Anyways thanks for liking it.
Bacon Pone does have great hair.
Damn Twilight your a big smart-ass
Great chapter I really enjoyed it
Huh. Cute.
Seems pretty promising, although the main reason I've stuck around so far is Twilight's voice in this. It just sounds so natural, and I'd like to read more of it.
Keep on being awesome, my friend.
HiddenMaster out.
It's okay, Twilight, I still use Venn diagrams too,
You desperately need a prereader.
6777125 Mind telling me why?
6775806 Yeah, in the second chapter it doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, it probably works better than third person with a character as introspective as Twilight, and the plans and thoughts she has over her every action. You brought that across very well. Now let's see where Twi's plan takes her.
Also, what the hell is that school board smoking during meetings? Students turn an empty blackboard into a phallic symbol if you take your eyes off them for five seconds. Leaving out Venn diagrams is not going to help matters even a bit.
I think it says disturbing things about the kids at CHS that they could turn a Venn diagram into a picture of you-know-whats.
Seriously, Twilight is going to have to get the stick out of her butt about the others. She's beginning to get mono-obsessive and that isn't a good thing. Even if she starts a relationship with Sunset, it would have the in-built risk of becoming obsessive/possessive in nature and that would be a quick and easy way to destroy it.
A pretty good start so far. The only thing you need to fix is to add a paragraph when another character speaks.
For example, instead of this:
It should be this:
Just add a space for the other conversations and you'll be fine.
Keep up the good work!
6778649 Alrighty! Done and thanks for the pointers
LOL, I want MORE :3 <3
6777579 Dude, I have a ton of horror stories of the stupid things my school did to either save money or increase efficiency, and it definitely would be counter productive to just straight up ban it. I guess you could call it... a ph-allacy!
Get it?
I'll go now...
6777745 I love that Friendship Games gave us a socially stunted Twilight again. It definitely justifies why Sci-Twi would have such an unhealthy outlook and plan just for a date.
6778912 ... I guess I'll let that one slide.
:P
This is cute so far! I'm enjoying it. Thank you for writing!
So... Twilight hasn't realised the implications of Sunset originally coming from the other side of the portal yet? Or, more specifically, has no-one mentioned to her that her humanoid guise is camouflage rather than her real body shape?
Cute. Progressing rather nicely. Really enjoy the narrative here: it just seems to sound like Sci-Twilight.
So, based on this chapter, I'm assuming the fact that Sunset is actually a magical unicorn from another dimension never came up? Also, I have to wonder why Twilight here is a bit confused here about Sunset's comment on much better magic. Based on the events of Friendship Games, wouldn't Twilight already know that Sunset is a bit knowledgeable about real magic and not magician tricks?
I apologize if I missed anything here that justifies the reaction as it has been a while since I watched the movies, but this bit just seemed to stick out to me as odd.
Still, enjoying this series. Keep up the good work.
HiddenMaster out.
6785714 Hot damn, you're right. I just rewatched Friendship Games, and I just realized the problem with that specific joke. I'll probably change it to something similar, since most of the joke could still come from Sunset's initial discovery of the human world's magic rather than Twilight's confusion.
That's what I get for trying to be funny. Thanks, dude, I totally had a logic flub. And yeah, no one's told Sci-Twi about Sunset being a unicorn. They didn't do it in the movie, so at least I got that detail right.
6785688 You'd think one of the first things they'd mention would be something along the lines of: "Yeah Sunset Shimmer's a magic horse" or something. They never did in Friendship Games, so I'm just running with it.
This would be a good time for the whole "horse woman" thing to come up.
This is incredibly well written and uses the perspective wonderfully. I can't wait to read more!
Twilight u can do this just ask her out
This is a great story so far. can't wait for the next chapter
Rarity could help Twilight about her SunLight Project x3
6786412 Some people over think stuff like that.. I know I do.
6786899 true
Always wondered about that whole sentry thing. I figured it would have been some kind of confusion from being transformed into a completely different species, or that Sunset dated him for popularity rather than out of affection.
Princess Twi keeps switching, which is why she apparently does not notice he has the personality of a deck chair.
Speaking of whom, what is she currently up to? Will she make an appearance?
Yeah this chapter read like what would be going through Sci Twi's head alright. I loved than smart assery too.
6787769 In Rainbow Rocks, Sunset outright calls herself out for dating Flash for his popularity. Don't know how he got so popular, but we'll just take the movie writer's word that he is.
Coincidentally, the next chapter answers some of your points like the one above concerning everyone's second favorite deck chair. I just need to make the final edits before I post it.
6790209 Maybe there will be a plot twist revealing that he's been evil all along and using some kind of black magic, explaining why someone would date HIM for popularity, or even why Twi apparently has some deck chair affection.
Then again, I do not hold out hope that the writers start to understand that whole "believable romance" thing, judging by what they presented to us so far (the Cakes being an exception here).
I guess it is, as always, up to fanfiction writers to fix that mess.
Wow, this has got to be the most entertaining and compelling story I've read so far. You do a great job of making me want to read more. Plus you update so quickly!! :D I can't wait for more and more of this to be written. I want to see Twilight finally say something to her.
Also, her wanting to do research really made me laugh (because of course she would) and made me think of a BuzzFeed video- "When You Try To Figure Out If Your Crush Is Gay". It was that exactly!!
Wonderful story!! Can't wait for more updates! ♥
Btw- I have to mention. For some reason I think motorcycles are the most romantic things, and I had previously been thinking that I wanted to read more where Sunset gave Twilight rides. Literally hours later I READ THIS. XD I was so excited to see her say she doesn't drive cars. When she offered the ride home I hoped so much for a motorcycle ride! Thank you so much for that. You should think about adding it in more ;D
I always went with Fish Pantry, except when I was feeling particularly vindictive, in which case I used something unprintable and offensive that ends in Entry.
Wooooow, the Flash hate is real in this fic. I get having nothing to go on, but part of an author's job is to give character and reasonable explanations to things that might not make sense. And while anything you can go off of with Flash is incredibly subtle and assumptions, it's still something for you to work off of. Plus the girls obviously know about Flash, if not from Friendship Games but from them being surprised Sunset never got revenge on him in the first movie to the way they approved of him and Princess Twilight flirting in Rainbow Rocks. It literally feels like you had to break character for them to not know Flash, to say he was a nobody in the crowd, or especially for Pinkie to have invited him without even knowing who he is.
It's Pinkie, she knows everybody.
I would probably at some point still have Sunset feel bad about how she treated Flash, since she does genuinely think he's a great guy who deserved better, but that they've both moved on from then and any feelings she might've had for him are irrelevant now.
I fully admit I nearly stopped reading with the whole Flash bashing scene since you were clearly writing more of an agenda about the character than how the character's would naturally react to his presence, but I decided against it since I really do genuinely like the first two chapters and your depiction of Twilight. I also ship SunLight fairly strongly, and this is a cute build up to it, so I'm willing to see where it goes from here.
I'm really enjoying how the story is unfolding. It's a relaxing and comfortable experience that's quite fun to read. I'm loving the humor found all throughout and I think you are capturing Sci Twi's inner thoughts and awkward mannerisms perfectly.
Keep it up and I look forward to the next chapter!
Personally, I love Maud. I do a spot on impression of the monotonous girl. I find more interest in anypony/anyone besides Flash. SunLight is best ship. End of discussion.
6792906 I don't how you feel about it, but Flash was literally forced as a character in the first EQG. We're expected to love him like Twilight does just because he's cute and plays guitar.
If the writer's give me nothing. I'll take that nothing and make it into a joke, sue me.
The writers even turned Flash into a joke in FG when Sci-Twilight was clearly having none of his compliments when she first was at CHS and later again after she won the first event. In fact, MA Larson originally had a draft in Slice of Life where Flash outright asks why no one likes him. He's meant not to be taken seriously anymore.
I really have no agenda against Flash other than how forced and forgettable a character he was. I wouldn't have minded if they developed him further than Mr. Dreamboat. The most characterization he had was him getting jealous and a little mean because Twilight competed against him at the battle of the bands, which I will admit was an interesting idea, but that's all he got.
I'll give you the fact that I did (intentionally) mind wipe Flash from their memories, and it is a mean spirited joke. Here's my thought process:
Twilight is helplessly in love with Sunset. She won't even acknowledge that she sweats. That's how bad it is.
What she believes is that her one source of hope for dating Sunset is to talk to the one guy who actually did it: Flash Sentry. She sees him as her best bet even though she has a group of best friends that know Sunset leaps and bounds better. I emphasized how forgettable he is as red flags that Twilight would foolishly ignore.
The joke is that Sunset never really liked him intimately (which is canon), but Twilight doesn't know that until Rainbow Dash tells her, driving home the joke that all she had to do was ask her friends. The entire running joke of the story is that Twilight is going through extremely unnecessary lengths when all she really has to do is ask Sunset out on a date.
TL;DR: All this Flash bashing has a purpose in the story, and I don't really hate him. He's just easy to make fun of.
Lol Sci Twi reminds me of me when I'm talking to a teacher.
6786876 More like turn it into a romance drama with Twi confessing her love in a weird over the top way.
6793130 I love Maud too, but really good deadpan comedy is impossible to master, especially in text. You just have to be really good at being really dry in your delivery. Maud Pie is probably my favorite episode because the writer and voice actress do it so well.
I've also really been itching to write a fic about her and Pinkie since that episode came out.
That pun was life and love in one sentence. I applaud you for it.
I have to admit, I'm really enjoying this story. Before I started reading it, I was cringing in preemptive embarrassment as I imagined all the possible awkward scenarios sci!Twi is inevitably going to find herself in. Thankfully, you've avoided the issue of forcing the embarrassment onto us and I can laugh at Twilight's misfortune without feeling equally as awkward. Thank you. That really made it for me.
6793146
I'ts not necessarily how I feel about Flash, but more along the lines of I've watched the three movies probably 100 times each at this point and take note of all the small little features that were added intentionally that were meant to be subtle touches of character. For instance:
Rarity: "Well, someone certainly is the smitten kitten~"
*Sunset looks down at the ground forlornly, Rarity notices*
Rarity: "Oh! Sorry! I forgot that you and flash used to be an item."
Sunset: It's okay, Flash is a great guy and all, *Looks away and rubbing the back of her neck as if not fully believing what she's saying but trying to smooth things over* but I never really liked him, liked him. I was only using him to be more popular. *Continued forlorn look as if she regrets how she treated him.* Ugh *Face palm* the old me really was just awful wasn't she. *Regretting how she treated a nice person.*
Granted, it's very possible I'm reading more into it than I should be, but with a series I love as much as EQG I don't take everything at face value, especially when it comes to Sunset. As a girl who is trying to show reformed side while moving on, she isn't showing her pain and pushing through it to be a better person. Does she have romantic feelings for Flash? Eh, maybe, maybe not, it's certainly up for debate, but the point would ultimately end up being that at some point she thought he was a good person who didn't deserve to be treated like dirt, she did treat him like dirt, and at the very least she regrets it. And if she does still have some feelings for him (after all, he broke up with her, not the other way around), she's not going to act on them because Princess Twilight is her best friend and he clearly is interested in her instead.
Flash may feel like a forced character, hell even I can admit that his character traits tend to boil down to "Nice guy who is a bit clumsy and plays guitar", but he still had a major impact on several of the characters in the franchise. An impact that is felt in both the first movie and Rainbow Rocks. I certainly don't mind you not wanting to invest time in his character if the show hasn't, but that feels like an excuse to me. At that point you might as well not even include his character, you can just brush off Sunset having an ex as "not relevant to the plan" especially since Twilight's entire interaction with him literally amounts to nothing more than "Why would she even date him" and learns nothing from it.
As for SciTwi, the writers even admit that there isn't any Flash hate going on, just that they thought the jokes of Twi running off would be funny and that they had logical reasons for her brushing him off. Plus she's not Princess Twilight, it makes sense that she's not flustered by him. So I don't even mind in the least if SciTwi doesn't care for Flash Sentry in the least, I have no issues with that part of the story. It really does just boil down to bashing a character who I feel doesn't really need to be bashed, no matter how forced into the franchise he feels.
My own tl;dr, You can do more with him without resorting to bashing and still have him brushed off as a joke, since he's still a character with impact no matter how minimal it is.
Truer words were never spoken. This is a quote fit for the Book of Pinkie, in the Testament of Friendship.
I think you meant "her" birthday, unless I'm completely misunderstanding the context.
Other than that, relatively nice chapter, although I feel that the hate for Flash Sentry is a bit strong in this chapter. Yes, he's a boring character who they put in just for a cheap romance subplot that never goes anywhere, but it's our duty as fanfic writers to take the gaping abyss that is his personality and make something of it. I'm not saying you have to write an entire freaking backstory for him, but at least make him bearable. Hell, you could still make him dull so long as he's at least believable.
Furthermore, as Lucky Strife said, Pinkie knows everyone No exceptions.
HiddenMaster out.
Wooo, the Flash Sentry hate is real!