"Hello!, my name's Journal Box, I'm the new mare the company hired", a red coated, yellow maned Earth pony mare said as she walked into the offices of the Canterlot rail yard. Her cutie mark was of a hammer and a chisel.
"Well nice to meet you Ms.Box, I will call up somepony to show you around, I am Mr. Class, yardmaster of the Canterlot yard", said a brown colored unicorn with a black mane. The yard office was neatly kept and covered in pictures of older trains and crews. It didn't take long for a pony to show up to show Journal around the yard.
"Hello, you must be Journal I presume, my name is Traction Trotters", a blue stallion with a yellow mane said, "Come with me, I'll show you one of the biggest rail yards in all of Equestria". Traction lead her out of the office and into the locker area.
"Do I get a locker?", she asked.
"Yeah, ya sure do, your stuff should be in locker 15, the code is 0000 but you can and should change it", he said pointing to a small locker. Journal opened the locker to find an orange and silver reflective vest, ear plugs, and a cap with "ENR" stitched to the front. She put her gear on and then entered the yard.
"So what's my first job?", she asked staring in awe at the large train yard with thirty tracks in total.
"We need to put train V1065 through the hump", Traction replied before leading her to a locomotive. The locomotive sat in Celestia's sun idling with it's worn blue paint job, "We've still gotta wait for Arc Shine to show up though".
A few moments later a green unicorn mare with a red and blue mane showed up. Her cutie mark was of a welding arc and she wore sunglasses. "So you must be the newbie, welcome to the yard", she said.
"Thanks, I'm Journal, I'm guessing your Arc Shine?", asked Journal.
"Yup, that's me, you can just call me Sparky or Arcs", she replied, "Anyways, we've got a train to sort, Traction you ready?".
The blue stallion climbed up in the cab of the Equestrian Locomotives Works GP9 locomotive. Arc led Journal to the pilot of the locomotive and signaled for Traction to proceed. After throwing a few switches they got the long string of freight cars to push over the hump.
"Okay, so I'm gonna tell you the cars you need to cut, normally you just cut 'em one by one, but sometimes several are going to the same destination got it", called Arc Shine over the roar of the diesel engine struggling to move the monster string of cars.
"Got it!", replied Journal as they approached the hump. Arc directed Journal, telling her which cars to separate as the locomotive slowly pushed the string over the hill. A hump yard is a railroad yard that has a hill where train cars are pushed up, uncoupled, then coast down into separate outbound tracks.
It didn't take long for Journal to get the hang of working the hump, and by break time they had already switched half the yard.
"So is there anything you like to do for lunch?", asked Journal.
"We could go to the Sandwich Shack, what are you up for Trotters?", replied Arc.
"Sounds good to me", he replied before they trotted off to buy sandwiches.
The Sandwich Shack was not far from the rail yard, thus it was prime location for the yard workers to eat out. The shack looked like a remodeled industrial building with stucco walls and a tile roof. The three railroad workers sat down in a booth by a window.
"What could I get you?", asked the waiter.
"I'll have a haywich and a cola please", Arc answered.
"I'll go with the veggie burger, with a cream soda", Traction said.
"I'll go for the veggie dog, with a cola", Journal said a bit nervously. The waiter then went off to the kitchen to process the orders. There was a bit of silence before a conversation got started.
"So Journal, you planning on transferring to any subdivisions?", asked Traction.
"Well, I'm not exactly sure. The Southern division seems attractive, but I'm planning on trying to work for a smaller railroad", she replied.
"Why get a job on a smaller road? ENR pays good, yeah it's long hours workin' freights but the pay makes up for it. I ain't got no foals or a special somepony", replied Arc.
"Because I want to work for a smaller amount of time. I have other interests I want to pursue besides railroading", Journal answered.
"Well I kinda get ya there. I do scrap metal art and fabrication at my place when I'm not shuffling thousands of tons of cargo", the green unicorn replied.
"I do a lot of carpentry, some metal work, and gardening. I was a joiner for my uncle's firm for three years", she said in response.
"I build model trains and take care of my foals", Traction said before the waiter showed up with their meals. They ate in relative silence to finish their food before their break was over.
By the time they got back to the yard, it was only five minutes shy of when their break ended. The next few hours of the shift went by quickly because as soon as they switched out half the yard another train would arrive making an almost never ending stream of work. By the end of the busy shift they were in the employee locker rooms about to head home for the day.
"Tomorrow we'll be switching the Canterlot Industrial area, it will be a nice break from the yard work", Arc Shine told Journal.
"Sounds like it's gonna be a good experience. If I remember correctly there's a few factories and a stone distributing yard over there", she replied.
"There's also a couple produce distributing warehouses, and the lumber yard", Traction replied.
After the short conversation they all trotted to their houses to get rest for the next day of work.
How to put this... this story needs, more. Just more of everything. Mainly detail, i feel like the characters are walking around in a bit of a void. The characters all seem a bit cardboard. I know that youre trying to characterize them by telling us their hobbies, but thats just it, your telling us, not showing. It all feels very robotic. One thing it needs less of though, is speed. The pacing is WAY to quick, first we're introduced to the character then whoa shes being shown around and hold on, suddenly shes helping shunting then like lightning their having lunch. Think of it like you're shunting, go slow so you dont bust those couplers.
I can't stress enough though, that i'm not trying to have a go at you. I do see potential and im a bit of a sucker for train fics, but I just want to tell you these things so you can take note of them, one thing this fic really needs is a hook and im failing to see one. Im willing to help but you gotta take some of these criticisms on board.
Also why diesel? why not a lovely little 0-6-0 tank switcher? diesels are so... lifeless
I've gotta agree with 6682997 on this, though another thing is the speach, you've gotta make it seem more alive, instead of words like "I am" use "I'm", otherwise it just seems wooden, put yourself in the situation and think about how you would respond. Also think about the day to day interactions people have and try to apply it here, watch a few movies and take notes if needs be
All criticism aside however, this story has tons of potential, aspecialy when you read biographies by former railway workers like i have, i will be keeping an eye on this and ill be happy to give you a hand should you need it