The Equestrian National Railway transports more than half of the nation's freight and provides an essential service. Journal Box is a nineteen year old mare with many ideas and a love of trains. How will she fare in the Equestrian Railroad industry?
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How to put this... this story needs, more. Just more of everything. Mainly detail, i feel like the characters are walking around in a bit of a void. The characters all seem a bit cardboard. I know that youre trying to characterize them by telling us their hobbies, but thats just it, your telling us, not showing. It all feels very robotic. One thing it needs less of though, is speed. The pacing is WAY to quick, first we're introduced to the character then whoa shes being shown around and hold on, suddenly shes helping shunting then like lightning their having lunch. Think of it like you're shunting, go slow so you dont bust those couplers.
I can't stress enough though, that i'm not trying to have a go at you. I do see potential and im a bit of a sucker for train fics, but I just want to tell you these things so you can take note of them, one thing this fic really needs is a hook and im failing to see one. Im willing to help but you gotta take some of these criticisms on board.
Also why diesel? why not a lovely little 0-6-0 tank switcher? diesels are so... lifeless
I've gotta agree with 6682997 on this, though another thing is the speach, you've gotta make it seem more alive, instead of words like "I am" use "I'm", otherwise it just seems wooden, put yourself in the situation and think about how you would respond. Also think about the day to day interactions people have and try to apply it here, watch a few movies and take notes if needs be
All criticism aside however, this story has tons of potential, aspecialy when you read biographies by former railway workers like i have, i will be keeping an eye on this and ill be happy to give you a hand should you need it
This is a hell of a lot better, still feels a little rushed in the progression of scenes, but over all a lot better than when i first read chapter 1
also, if you want ideas for electric locomotives that would suit this era, look to the swiss, and even a few british locomotives
The LNER Gresley EM1 Bo-Bo
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/76/British_Rail_Class_76_BR_76_26020.jpg
The NER Raven 4-6-4 electric
hostthenpost.org/uploads/ac6ddfedaf64d6a6b5920a3c90848935.jpeg
The NER Raven EF1 Bo-Bo
nrm.org.uk/img/nrm/worksphotos/Darlington/1997-7408_DAR_1245.jpg
and of course the Metropolitan railway's Bo-Bo electrics
citytransport.info/Scans/stm-on-met4a.jpg
all of these were designed BEFORE ww2, and were right at home buzzing alongside the steamers
6687449
A lot of American traction power has been around almost as long as many steam locomotives. Some of the earlier electric juice jacks were nothing more than wooden shacks on a flatcar with traction motors and trolley poles. I'm building one of those in 1.5" scale.
6689317 but still, some early swiss electrics were beautiful...
I can't find a picture of one of those ones, so here's one of the mighty 1-C-C-1 crocodiles
i.ytimg.com/vi/_pfu4ln2o6Q/maxresdefault.jpg
the fact it cas side rods continues to fascinate me
6690579
Maybe the northern half of ENR can be juice while the rest of it is steam. Maybe I'll put the crocodile later in the story