A crossover with Kamen Rider W - but I think it should make sense even if you don't know that show. Please, give it a chance and let me know if there's enough explanation?
What if the Elements of Harmony weren't as easy to use; what if they changed for every new bearer, and Celestia couldn't advise her faithful student on how to use the ones she and her friends had obtained? What if calling out the full power of the elements required riding with the devil, and two ponies could be a single Champion of Harmony?
Now with rewritten and improved first chapter
I'm no good at art, and my stylus stopped working. Anyone can help with better art?
Chapters (39)
6652651 Thanks. I think at this point, the main problem I’ve got is the feel of the characters, their voices, and the huge exposition dump across the first story. Maybe I’m not good enough to be sharing stuff yet.
It was a little jarring to me at first with Celestia and Twilight talking about the elements and memories at the same time. But I can picture both of them being confused as to what the other is referring to. The info dump was alright (having watched Kamen Rider W so I knew what things were) but if you do much more info dumping, you run the risk of losing readers, even more so the ones that don't know about W.
For now, I recommend showing some action with Twilight finding one of her friends and henshining into Double, especially after the info dump. And because it's the first fight, go all out with making the henshin sequence glorious. Though I'm curious to see all the forms, it's better to hold them back until they have their true time so shine and it'll let the audience get used to each form on its own.
as for the
bit, don't think in that term. I know I'm being a tad cliche, but a journey of a thousand steps begins with the first step. In this case, write often and as you learn how to describe things better (with time), incorporate them into the story. Even I'm still learning and improving and I've been writing things since 2005.
Some other thoughts on re-reading that dialogue:
1) Is it clear that Celestia doesn't want Pinkie to be involved, but can't find a good way to address that without offending Twilight?
2) Does my scheme for naming the W characters seem natural? ('Sunlit Plain' is a very rough translation of some of the kanji in the guy's name)
6653959 I think the first 2 chapters are probably the minimum dump I could get away with. It would be easy for it to seem jarring to people who've seen both shows if things don't work the same; and also easy to be confusing if we're in Twilight's POV but we don't know how much she knows about how it works. We left with Twilight dashing off to tackle the Magma dopant, so ep 3 should start off with an action sequence.
I could probably have got through a couple of episodes without explaining what's going on if I introduced a character to parallel Narumi Akiko. But that would be harder, because in text I don't think you can carry an episode with just big CGI action sequences. In a way, I guess Celestia is filling the roles of both Narumi Sokichi (the previous rider; mentor and role model to the hero), and Akiko (totally bemused by the mixed up Elements).
Honestly I wouldn't mind seeing the altered cases involving the main antagonists of the world series like nazca, taboo, clay doll, terror and I kinda forgot what memory the cat had.oh and the whole foundation x arc as well. Though for this story guess their is technically nine elements of harmony considering joker. I remember full well that kamen rider double technically had eight memories so I'm sure sunset shimmer or Trixie will have a role. I can kinda see sunset becoming accel. Trixie I feel would gain the luna memory to replace fang considering the changes you did it fits with her illusion talent. Though now I have two questions from what I just read. Is this a humaniod story of the likes of furry considering that the driver would be hard to access if it's pointing to the ground like in the mlp canon would have the one time I saw a pony in the shoe wear pants and thus a belt the buckle was on the undercarriage facing the floor until the Pony sat down. The other is about the transformation itself. Are you going to do it like a certain ed,edd,and eddy deno crossover for certain holders of the elements considering gold tipped memories or in this case elements usually denoted the body while silver was the mind getting transfered. The exemption was with fang on this. Say if applejack as honesty was a gold tipped one would she be the body instead of twilight in that case. If your doing aspects of double then obviously rainbow and applejack being the most athletic of the group would be designated as being the body of the rider and as joker can also refer to the arcana I understand why twilight got that one. As for kamen rider skull I'm feeling it would be a good fit for spike who might become a better major character in this story then in the show. Wait you said nightmare moon sealed herself up again and not reverted to luna? That's going to cause a major problem in the time line as her snapping to her senses Is crucial to certain major events like discord, Sombra and tirek. If she's still nightmare moon then it's only going to get harder to get things to flow together with those events. I suggested the dopant's as they were pretty much important to the double side of events. Spike could work as akiko to twilight's shotaro as he did help keep twilight humble in canon. Much like akiko did whenever shotaro let's his ego get to big. Plus akiko's farther was the original skull so Spike picking up the mantle would fit. And I just realized with the apple clan pretty much all over equestria twilight and the girls have their informents like shotaro had in double. The cmc would be like Elizabeth and queen on the school side and rarity could use the canterlot nobles as informents as well to sub in for watcher. You got me on the Santa like informant role there.
6662727 I see you've been thinking along some of the same paths as me, though coming to different conclusions.
I've got a few episodes in mind. Some of the W episodes with OC ponies for the memory-users (like Magma). Some of the FIM episodes where there's an actual antagonist, rewritten to give them a memory (I was thinking Trixie here). And some where the plots of episodes from both sides get interwoven (eg. CMC / Bird dopant)
I've got a pretty clear idea which ponies will have their backstory altered to become Terror/Claydoll/Taboo/Nazca… not sure about Smilodon. I'll have to catch up a lot, though, because I've only seen odd episodes.
Still a little unsure about Philip. Looking up myths and stuff is clearly Twilight's forte, because she has an actual library at her disposal. Whereas Pinkie knows everypony and could easily do the "identify the common person between these locations" kind of lookup, if her mental database was better indexed. Then again, she knew the weakness of the Parasprite memory without having to consult books, so maybe Pinkie is Philip. I'm tempted to have them kind of enter each other's dreams, and construct an imaginary library using all the memories of all 6 of them; which makes a decent substitute for knowing everything. But in the course of doing so, they realise that one of their group has had their childhood memories artificially removed.
My own headcanon (which may or may not get worked into the story at some point) was that Celestia and Luna were the original W, fighting against an evil that is now lost to history. They had the original 8 memories (though the Elements of Harmony were only 6 plus the driver). Which would mean that if there was a Skull, he would have been around thousands of years before. When they had defeated the threat to the world, they erased all knowledge of Gaia Memories from the history books to prevent ponies looking for them. Only the Elements remain in mythology, and those were supposed to be returned to their tree. But Luna couldn't bring herself to give up the one that shares her name, and kept it secretly. Years later, she finally gave in to the temptation of trying it with the driver, unleashing Luna dopant on the world. Celestia couldn't do a memory break (the only thing that she couldn't make work without two of them), so sealed her away instead. Meanwhile, Fang is kind of alive, so they found a way to let it be a real living thing; turning it into a baby dragon and setting it free. No, not Spike, that would be silly. (There's a thousand years passed since then. Fang was Spike's grandma. But if you don't mind it being a light-relief episode, the power could be inherited.)
As far as the problems with Nightmare Moon still being around, I was planning to have her return. The 'Begins Night' chapter would start with a brief flashback of the quest to find the Elements (which runs pretty much as canon), then NM vanishes because she can't stop laughing at these incompetent heroes who've only got one Memory each. She comes back a bit later, after realising they pose an actual threat to her, and maybe gets redeemed.
Yeah… I can't see anyone to parallel Santa. He's about the only character who doesn't come across with a couple of options.
6662727 Just realised I didn't reply to all of the points you raised in my previous reply :p Probably went a bit overboard with spoilers for things that may or may not come out in the story.
I've currently got the driver on a belt, but so that it hangs on the side. Right next to the cutie mark; which is *replaced* by a dopant's connector. The positioning of the driver may have had some kind of symbolism once upon a time, but isn't really convenient (unless you're a unicorn and use magic to handle the memories) but pretty soon Rarity is going to decide it isn't elegant enough, and modify the strap so they can wear it as a necklace. Celestia will be annoyed.
As far as the body/mind duality, I'm not entirely sure. I've pretty much picked them out at random, so AJ/Rainbow/Twilight get the left side (body?) and Fluttershy/Rarity/Pinkie the right. That does mean there's one earth pony, one unicorn, and one pegasus on either side. Any combo including an earth pony has enhanced power (more so than the driver's normal "sum of two ponies" enhancement); if there's a unicorn on either side they can use magic, and similarly any pegasus combo has wings (though Fluttershy is too anxious to fly properly when someone else is sharing her body). I think the stamina/fitness of the left side will probably determine how long they can stay transformed for. Watch out for GenerosityLoyalty Raridash: “The two of us are a single alicorn!” // Everybody else: “There's more to being a princess than just wings and a horn!”
…and now I'm wondering how many episodes before I get an excuse to use Maximum Drive: Party Rainboom Cannon. Maybe that's a little too silly.
6664600 yeah I was thinking of a possible path this story would take there so that explains the different. But you never did explain on if this was humaniod for the ponies considering what I said about the driver's placement. As far as I know only pinkie has the ability to walk on her hind legs and balance on them for a long while in canon.
6665485 I find it hard to visualise them as anthro, so I'm working with pony physiology as much as I can imagine it. With the driver at the side of a belt (on the hip) they might have to rear up so that their forehooves are at the right angle to change memories, I think, but it shouldn't require them to walk upright.
6665509 considering the martial arts aspect of the rider side I think they would have to be on their hind legs a lot considering what abilities they will get. Joker is pretty much known as the memory of trumps and is very much a hand to hand memory but on ocasion does generate purple fire like energy. Though you might want to rethink some of the element names as I'm sorry but when thinking of the combinations they just sound so silly in my head. With the originals the combos made sense. Plus this way they can't access doubles usual weapons like the metal shaft and the trigger magnum. Your going to need to create fitting replacements for them.
6665552 I've got some ideas how it might work, but not sure how much you'll like them. Complex choreography doesn't work as well in prose as it does on screen in any case, so I doubt I'll be putting that much detail into the action scenes. It's more important to keep the action moving, which I've found quite difficult in the past.
The next chapter weighs in at just under 5k, and gets us to the point where they've beaten their first dopant. I'm going to give it another look over before I post, but I think it should kick off smoothly enough that the reader won't be too confused if they decide to skip over most of Celestia's introductions and get straight into the action.
yep i knew it just like that deno/ed edd and eddy crossover with the switching users bit.
6681392 I've not actually seen that one. I knew from the start that the right-side pony would pass out like Philip usually does (was tempted to have everypony else think Fluttershy had done her frozen fear response thing, and not realise it had worked). But wasn't sure how to do a left-side memory change. Might still be retconned to have Twilight pass out where they were, and the armour re-form around Rainbow. In this episode I think it didn't really matter which happened, so I can still change my mind until a situation arises where it affects the plot.
Thanks for the support. Hope the lack of the W's standard weapons doesn't disappoint you as much as it does Celestia :p
This title is worse than lame. Titles that try to copy the format of the show's title are generally indicative of unimaginative stories of low quality. Or at least, that's the impression they give many potential readers.
Try to come up with a more original title.
This is going on my read later list simply for being a crossover with Kamen Rider W, which is my favorite Rider series, but I don't expect to get around to it soon.
Still good in my opinion. Only thing that's really bothering me is that not all the... code? I guess, for the colors are in place.
You have
“[color=9426af]JOKER!” the Element sang out as she squeezed its lever, and then immediately pressed it into the driver.
“KINDNESSᏔ[color=9426af]JOKER!”
“JOKER!” the Element sang out as she squeezed its lever, and then immediately pressed it into the driver.
"KINDNESSᏔJOKER!"
On my end, I'm surprise that the size isn't working right.
6804225 Thanks, I'll double check that now.
6804225 Somehow it looks like half the [ /size ] closing tags vanished when importing from google docs. Have to check more carefully in future.
Are they all back in the right place now?
EDIT: And colours with the '#' missing display the literal tag.
6806089 All the colors are there.
Even I tried adding the size tags in the comment here and it was still not adding the closing part.
6652651 Any better? I've effectively filled out the first chapter with the material I was leaving for the 'Begins Night' flashback, and killed the prologue.
loving this story series keep it up
keep this story going
I'm enjoying this story a lot
this story is getting interesting
I feel sorry for scootaloo
more chapters please
awesome more please
more chapters please
more please
6974462 Good to see such an enthusiastic response ^_^ I'm working on the next episode, "Journey to L", which has been foreshadowed a bit already.
Are you a fan of Kamen Rider W? I tried to write this so that it will make sense even if you only know one of the shows, but I don't know how well it worked. I'd really like to get opinions from readers who know W, and from someone who doesn't, to get a better idea of how I'm hitting the mark.
6993032 of course and the power rangers
7008229 I used to watch Super Sentai, but have never actually seen Power Rangers. That's probably a bit weird; everyone in my class at school was into them when it was relatively new.
7008618 that's ok no need to sound upset just do what u do best
7018039 I'm not upset; just seem to be the only person I know who hasn't seen Power Rangers.
I don't watch that much TV.
7047688 that's ok
7051974 Hope you liked this chapter. I'm converting the formatting for L Hath no Fury now.
Stood out a bit.
7054784 ok can't wait
7060902 Thanks :)
Not sure how that managed to slip past my editors :)
7060902 I'm also hoping that bit doesn't stand out too much. I wanted to establish that a child with a Gaia Memory might end up with a "letter" that could pass for a normal cutie mark, and maybe you wouldn't even recognise it unless you turn your head to the side a bit; but didn't want to be too heavy handed with it. I'm constantly doubting what I've written, so can only hope that each reveal comes off well.
next few chapters please
more please
7247603 I've finished writing episode 15 - Tell us Y, and I'm waiting for my editor to get around to it. Also working on 16 - Don't Know Y, but I'm not too happy with the episode titles; and I've finished Intervention 8 - Generation Y, which obviously has to wait until the episode before it is ready.
Not sure if you saw the blog post; but I haven't had as much time to work on stories his month because I'm training for a 51-mile walk charity walk to raise money for African children accused of witchcraft. Did you know that some kids are still starved, stoned, or tortured because they're blamed for someone having bad luck?
Writing will resume after I've done the walk. But in the mean time, maybe you'd like to check out some of my books… every book sold is one step closer to being able to pay the rent.
Well that was dark.
7327985 I don't think I can avoid the dark any more; hope it wasn't too unexpected, though. I dropped a few hints earlier, so I'm hoping the response will be "I should have seen that coming" more than "What just happened?"
The next episode was supposed be a lighter one, a break after the rather dark flashbacks. It hasn't come out as light as I'd hoped either, but I think it should be a change after that one. I've got episodes 17 and 18 written, just waiting on my editor now. And I've got the rough structure of the E, I, K, and N stories planned out ... when I've done those, we'll have done half the alphabet, with only 26 episodes to go.
Amazed this story grew so long; and quite amazed that people are still reading it.
Did you notice that the stats thing now says this story is in the top thousand, sorted by length?
7341871 I didn't say I didn't enjoy this development just that it was dark and in retrospect the clues were there I jus wasn't expecting this to be the outcome.
7342216 I think that's about the feels I was aiming for, then ☺ (And maybe it's not quite as dark as it looks)
One of the hardest parts of writing is balancing a twist so it isn't obvious; but doesn't seem completely random.
7474966 Many thanks. Can't believe I missed that; or that it took so long for someone to point it out.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the story :)
Aww, a new thumbs-down ): Wish people would say what they didn't like.
Anyway, next chapter coming soon.
Marked read it later, as I haven't gotten to W yet. currently on agito, working my way through heisei. though I have seen everything from fourze to drive.
it's not that I think I won't enjoy it without seeing W, I just want to wait. unfortunately it may take a while as I am now going in order.
7578368 I started doing the same when I first started on Kamen Rider; though I started at Kiva (the current series when a friend introduced me to them). Unfortunately, I couldn't find a complete translation of Kuuga or Agito at that point, and somehow never got around to catching up after fansubbers went back to fill in the older series in their collections.
I was kind of dreading comments at this point, because the last chapter I posted makes a substantial deviation from W's arc plot.So it's nice to see a positive comment and a potential new reader ^_^
ok i dont know if its your style of writing or what but your celestia is a cunt and cryptic in the most annoying way ever