As the pair walked in to the chamber, three figures walked up to them. One of the figures ran up to them and yelled " Hi guys!"
Legion winced and said " Claptrap, you don't need to yell. We are standing right next to you."
He said " Yeah, but you guys were talking and i wanted to make sure you could hear me."
Legion replied " Well, we can hear."
As they walked he asked,"Anybody know what we are having today?" They walked over to a table with a cocoon hanging over it.
Dovakhin replied " No, we were waiting for you two. What was taking you guys so long?" He suddenly had a sly smirk on his face. " Were you two having 'fun'?"
Legion's face turned red and he started sputtering in an angry manner. Finally he calmed down enough to where he could say " No! I just had to help glimmer put the rest of the eggs in the nest!"
Dovakhin said" I only ask because you were late getting here, and you happen to be arriving with mangle, one of our more attractive friends."
Mangle rolled her eyes and said " I bet you have said that to every mare you have met dovakhin. You need new pickup lines."
Suddenly, they heard a muffled boom. Changlings allover the hive stopped talking and perked up their ears and listened. The other silent figure said, " I'm not the only one who heard that, right?"
Legion said " No wolf. I think we all heard that." Suddenly a loud cracking sound and a storm of earth ponies equipped with swords, spears, and golden armour rushed in.
As the changlings got over the inital shock, they charged to meet the enemy. As he ran to battle, he saw that his friends were charging with him. He saw a unicorn guard trying to free a pony from a cocoon. He rammed into him and started hitting him with his front hooves. Out of the corner of his eye, hew saw a Pegasus charging him with a spear. He turned but the tip of it caught his eyelid. He grunted in pain and used his hoove to unsuccessfully wipe the blood out of his eye. As he turned to face the snarling guard, he saw a warrior run into the Pegasus and bite his neck. After the body stopped moving, he turned to legion and snarled, " Leave drone. Your kind weren't meant for battle." He suddenly was hit in the back by a ray of white light. As he grunted in pain, he ran towards the source. Legion turned in the opposite direction and ran for his life.
Without even reading, I can see some serious problems.
The most prominent is the appalling chapter length.
Its best to have chapters to be at least 1,000 words in length, with few exceptions.
Plus, the comedy and dark tag conflict a little, don't you think?
I imagine you are going for a dark story with comedy bits, so I would remove the comedy tag.
Reading the first chapter does not fill me with hope.
The whole thing feels bland and forced.
I am not sure why the nymph would be able to speak and display give itself a name right after hatching. Do they learn while in the egg? If so, why not spend a few paragraphs going over how that works?
I am assuming Pupa is a reference to that one story with a Japanese style changeling culture. I have nothing wrong with this, but some might not like that. Try to use original names if you can, or not well known ones. Same with legion.
Overall, this needs work.
I recommend you read a lot Changeling stories to get a few different ideas about how to shape the changeling canon in this story, as well to get general tips about writing.
I notice your new.
Welcome to FIMFiction!
I hope you do well.
6590309
Commenting first is already looked down apon, commenting first on your own story is just going to bring you hate.
You really shouldn't do it.
Skyrim names.... I like!!!