- Member Since 27th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 13th, 2021
Dreagknight-LostWriter
My true alias is Dreagonight, the Dreaded Dragon Knight, but my friends just calls me dreago, the reckless Mystic Dragon-Knight
Dreagknight-LostWriter
Joined 27th Dec, 2014 ·
Offline
Stats
Page generated in 0.113 seconds
Total duration
953 users online
260,108 hits today, 2,591,549 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hey, if you like or dislike the story, can you please at least leave a comment as to why,
im going to say it has a interesting concept i would just have to say i feel a little uneasy when i read something with rape it does not sit well with me, but anyway its an interesting story i think it has ideas of what someone feels to protect the ones they hold close to there hearts and i like that just somethings in my head somethings just make a little uneasy. sorry i had to say that but that's how i feel. i hope you will not take offense to it.
6615968 I don't ant offense, I fully understand. While I did say attempted rape, there is no rape, I hate rape. Thanks for your response though, sorry it felt that way though.
6616054 its alright like i said its a good story with great potential but somethings just leave me a little on edge you know? but anyway i think its a good story.
I liked it. :)
6616781 Thanks, one of the few.
the story is quite interesting. i love the idea behind it and i hope there will be more.
6617962 I don't know if there may be more
6617970 i kind of want to see if she will get better. like actually start feeling. also i kind of want her to meet the girls and be come part of their little group. i mean they did get over sunset shimmer why not her?
6618058 well, that actually on the main story, she does. Just, the main story is a little more, likable then this.
6618058 But, if your asking about this version of the story, I'm not so sure she would be able to face them. Again, you would have to read the main story, I can tell you where this story take place from the main one. It takes place after Chapter 8: A Phone Call With Heavy Rain. Read the story up to that point, you should understand this a bit more.
I liked the story. Really dark but I love how she deals with it and how she wants to protect.
6619041 I see, sorry to hear that. My other story are a lot more brighter.
6618793 Yeah, she not only trying to protect someone who cares about her, but the only person she has left.
6619057
I really love it! I hope to see more of you X3.
6619072 If I do more of this spin off.
6619087
Then I will read them, pet them, love on them, and name them George XD.
6619098
Well, if I do, I will personaly leave you a message saying so with a link.
6619114
Awesome X3.
There are some grammatical errors, missing punctuation and mixed tenses. Like, you use past tense and present tense in the same sentence. Also, whose Blitz? Is it Rainbow Blitz? I wasn't sure. And as much as I like the story, I'm kind of confused.
Notes:
The first part seems weird. It doesn't make much sense when read aloud. The last part should be "does anyone care?"
I think there should be a question mark here.
"I've hurt so many, even myself"
"I reached my hand out, in an attempt to grab the object, but stopped midway."
This could be phrased better. Maybe "I sat there, my hand outstretched but still. Frozen in time at the moment when I wished to take hold of that blessed but damned object. In that frozen moment, I watched as more liquid flowed down my arm, painting a picture of pain that should have been." (Okay, I got a bit carried away but you get it.)
"Answer"
"Pulled"
I don't think this sentence is wrong per se, but if blitz is super important to her, maybe switch the sentences. The way it's phrased, it sounds like life is more important to her than him. I don't know if that was the intention but just a though.
Again, I have no issue with the sentence but maybe it would sound better as "Then again, I don't feel any pain, so of course it wouldn't hurt." Or not.
Again, Phrasing. "Immediately, he rushed over and fell to his knees beside me. Taking my hands in his, he stilled any motion I would have attempted." Or, if you wish to keep the sentence, just change 'mines' to 'mine'.
"Pry" would be a better word.
Rather than 'small', cause that wouldn't work in this context, 'short' would be better.
Again, phrasing. Maybe "I just stared back at him, blankly. Empty." The second adjective should be in a separate sentence.
"Don't ever think of yourself as a monster."
"I do. I care about you a lot, Sonata."
Phrasing. "What? H-he doesn't mean... He's just saying that. Right?" It sounds like she's doubtful so the ellipses (...) should be somewhere in that sentence,
Sentence goes on for a while. Break it up a bit.
I'd use 'were' rather than 'are' since I don't he assumes this was a sudden thought she had.
These all seem like they are questions but the first sentence definitely is.
Phrasing. "Too much" doesn't sound right, in this sentence. "So much" would be better.
I's kind of weird but with this kind of sentence, you do this: I don't want to see,” he held my hand out and ran one of his fingers across my arm. “this. } Kind of. Its a weird thing writers do.
Missing question mark.
" Blitz mouth twitch as he ran his hand across my arm."
"Blitz looked at me, his eyes staring into mine just before moving down towards the floor. I knew what had captured his gaze. The blood, the small puddle of my own blood staining the floor. He quickly moved on, apparently not wanting to look anymore." You shouldn't use words like 'towards' twice in a sentence.
"This makes me a monster. Yet Blitz, he cares about this monster. The monster that is me."
"Why does Blitz care about me when everyone else hates me? I’m not a life worth helping. I’ve been told my life is worthless now that my gem is gone. I’ve been beaten, abused, even sexually assaulted because, to everyone and myself, I’m nothing. So what does Blitz see in helping me? Why is he showing me kindness after-"
"Blitz stood there in his clean clothes, replaced since his other ones was smeared with my blood."
"I knew he was looking at my arms and legs, and my heart clenched at the thought.
This sentence confuses me. What id she saying? Does she feel alienated? Good? Bad? I'm not sure.
"He was smiling yet frowning. Did I do something wrong?"
" I flinched, expecting a smack, a punch or something."
Or
"Flinching, I closed my eyes, expecting a smack, a punch or something."
"Yet all he did was wipe away a tear off my cheek before walking away." Maybe a better phrasing.
"Pulling the hood over my head, I closed myself to the outside world.
"Again, I was startled by Blitz lightly touching my back. He was giving me that worried look again."
"I never did tell him what fully happened to me, maybe I should."
"Finally finding the doorknob he was looking for, we went to pay for it. As we left the store, Blitz look up to the sky."
"He glanced at me, a pained expression on his face."
"At least we still have time to go out I suppose."
"I noticed that we weren't walking in the direction of his house and I didn't know where we were going. I just knew he was taking me somewhere to eat. The place we walked through was pretty quiet. After minute of silence, Blitz told me that it was just a few more blocks and we would arrive at the place he wanted to take me. As we continued walking, the sound of footsteps thundered behind us. Turning toward the sound, all I saw was a guy in a white hoodie hit Blitz across the face with a thick bat. I tried to catch him as he fell but someone came up behind me and put me in a headlock. Struggling, I helplessly watched as the two hooded figures dragged me and Blitz behind a building
"I was then flung to the side, smacking onto the side of the building. A bit disorientated, my captor grabbed me again, restraining me in his arms once more."
"I saw Blitz try to get back up, only for the guy with the white hoodie and spiky hair to swing his bat down on his back with a loud crack. I tried to scream louder, but the guy with the bat walked over to me and backed hand me. His friend readjusted his hold on me as he gagged me with some cloth. The guy with the bat then walk back over to Blitz and knelt down beside him.
" “Idiot.” He whispered before standing back up. " You don't continue the sentence so there is no reason to make he lower case.
"We told him, next time we won't go easy on you. We just decided not to wait for a response this time."
"He stepped over Blitz’s body and walked towards me, the bat hanging loosely in his hand."
" “Hey, the bastard is trying to get up again." The guy holding me alerted his partner. "He's got some balls.”
"I tried to scream at Blitz, to tell him to stay down, to tell him he didn't have to help me. But my muffled cries went unheeded."
"You know, you brought this on yourself. All you had to do was leave this monster behind, just give her to us. Instead, you tried to the hero and help her. Fool!"
"He said, continuing to kick Blitz in the stomach."
"You wanna help these aliens, theses things that tried to control us?"
"I clenched my eyes shut as the boy raised his weapon over his head. Every crack and scream that followed echoed through the alley and my heart as Blitz was mercilessly beaten. And Blitz, strong and caring Blitz screamed and cried out as bones broke and skin bled."
"I heard his attacker say." Its kind of confusing as to who is talking.
"As the beating resumed, I tried to shut it all out. Hoping that, if I couldn't see the cruelty before me, it would go away. It didn't. After a few minutes of this, Blitz grew silent, cracks of the bat against his body no longer eliciting a cry of pain. My captor chocked me until I opened my eyes again. Immediately, my eyes searched for Blitz. He was lying on the ground, bleeding and broken. I tried to see if he was even breathing but he was as still as the air around them. The sight of him like that, of the pain he must have felt, made my heart ache with sorrow."
"Hey man, this girl is stronger than she looks, but she’s not that much of a fighter"
"The other guy only laughed as he walked closer to me, tossing the bat to the side as his eyes stared down at me."
"She may be a monster of a unknown type, but she does have a body that's just asking to be used."
"You know, there’s a lot more who would love to get there hands on you and the other two monsters you call sisters. And him.” He thumb at Blitz. " I might be wrong about the thumb thing. I'm not sure, but you can't just say 'he thumb at blitz.'
"Well, we don't know what to do with him just yet, just know it’s going to be very painful. For now...” He let the sentence hang as he smiled at me, letting the silence speak for itself. Watching me shiver, he reached out and grabbed my chest, groping me roughly through my jacket."
"I wanted to scream, to beg for help, but I knew no one would come. Why would they? They wouldn't try to save a life like mine, and they wouldn't help Blitz because he defended me."
"My captor grabbed both of my arms and wrestled them behind my back, holding them both with one hand. All I could do is stare forward, gazing at Blitz as he laid there, fear running through me as my tormentors drew closer.
"My head was pushed down as they bend me over, their disgusting and bloodied hands running all over my body. I tried to shut it all out again, hoping, wishing they would just disappear."
"Lowering my head down even further, I snapped my head back as hard as I could, relishing the crack I heard as it connected. My captor cried out in pain as my head smashed into his teeth. I felt the sting of the contact but I didn't care. Unfortunately, my attack forced him and myself to fall backward. Fortunately, this caused me to knee my tormentor, knocking him backwards. As soon as I freed myself from my captors grip, I crawled over to the abandoned bat and swung it as hard as I could. I felt the connection reverberate through my arm as my captor fell to the floor, motionless.
"I turned to the tormentor and ran at him. I saw him reached into his back pocket, but I paid it no mind. All I cared about was stopping him. Before he got the chance to pull out whatever he had out, I struck. I hit him in the leg, the arm and then his hands.After gaining the upper hand, I used the bat to pushed him to the ground."
"He swore, groaning as he got onto his knees."
"There are a lot more of us who want you dead. Don't think you can hide forever. You or your beaten boyfriend."
"What do I do? He’s right. Even if we do walk away, me or Blitz isn’t safe anymore. Do I care what happens to me? No, I deserve all of this, but Blitz, he doesn’t. "
"I turned toward my tormentor, Blitz's, as he laid his back on the wall, his hand resting on his leg."
"I can stop this. All I have to do is stop it before it spreads, just like Adagio used to tell me."
"I looked at Blitz, his unresponsive body. He was so still, I couldn't tell if he was even breathing, but I saw blood. Lots of it.The tormentor, the bastard, looked at Blitz with glee, chuckling to himself. My heart ached but moved with purpose, the bat clenched tight in my hands. I walked over to him, my vision blurring black and red."
"Again, the impact of the bat vibrated through my arm as I knocked the tormentor to the ground. Despite the ache I had felt before, I felt nothing when I hit him. No guilt or shame. Before he could say anything, I let out all my rage. I brought the bat down on him, not caring where I hit. I just attacked, again and again and again, over and over. With each hit, I felt more of his blood splatter on me. With each hit, the more red he became. I didn't stop until I was out of breath. Panting, I turned to his friend, my captor."
"I didn’t stop. All this anger, this frustration, the sadness and pain that had built up inside of me was finally being let out. Soon, it would be gone and all would be well."
"They were dead, both of them. They were dead and it was all my fault."
"I dropped the bat, shivering at the sickening wet sound it made the moment it hit the ground. I was horrified by what I had just did. But, I didn’t feel anything towards it, them."
"I just killed two people."
"So why were my hands shaking. As much I hated this moment, I couldn't stop to think about this. I had to help Blitz."
"So I panicked."
"A new doorknob he bought because of me, because he was worried and wanted to help me, protect me."
"Can I go through with it? Can I hurt Blitz one final time to gain my own peace? Maybe if I can live my life with Blitz, I can be happy. I want to be happy and Blitz gives that to me."
"That is the same girl who had attacked me before Blitz had stopped them."
6621464 Ok, let start from the top answering these questions and I'm just waiting for my editor to finish editing it for me.
Blitz is my OC, I left a link at the top of this story to the main story, there you will find info on this story base. While I didn't think the main story needed to be read, but if you read I all the way to Chapter 8: A Phone Call With Heavy Rain, you should understand more. Again, this story is separate from the main story.
Okay, the first part, Sonata is questioning her feeling on why she feels guilty. The second is her telling herself not to care. After that, she start questioning herself and wondering if there anyone who would care. And thanks, I'll fix that.
Yes, I meant it this way. It not that she cares about Blitz alone, but she just don't want to trouble him anymore, the second part with her saying life, she just giving up on everything altogether.
Again thanks, once t pain in my hand go away, ill edit in the changes you made, if I haven't mention it now, here http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/560357/im-having-trouble-writing-stories
Haven't read the story. What exactly is a "Spin-Off" in this context? Sequel, prequel, side story, alternate path? Why is this separate, rather than just a chapter of the original story?
6801566 A spin off, in this case, is a alternate path from the main story. The reason why this is separate cause it take a darker turn then the main story. While the main story it self is dark, actually it pretty dark when you relies just what going on in the story, but it doesn't have the element to be tag dark, like this. The other reason is cause I want to show my readers of The Lost Siren just how dark this story can get if I decided to bring forth the darkness hidden within the main story. I would have made this a chapter of my main story, but I wanted to keep it more, nicer then this.
Anyway, I would like to say give it a read, but be cautious, so far the ones that have said it was too dark for them. Though I say this is mild dark, it could still have that "trigger".
6801866
What chapter does it diverge after? Or is separate from the beginning?
6803059 It doesn't really have a chapter when I wrote it, but if I had to say, it would be chapter 8: A Phone Call With Heavy Rain.