He was an outcast of a previous society. His family, friends, and everything he knew was...gone. And everypony blamed him for it. He was kicked out, and abandoned. Before he left, he left one last surprise as a thing of revenge. Before he knew it, they were all dead.
He then arrived in Equestria, more specifically, Ponyville. He wanted to make a new life. It seemed everypony cared, but one stood out to him. This one, beautiful, mare. Her name of course, was Twilight Sparkle.
Meanwhile, the Templar are moving toward Equestria, and a big war is about to happen. Tranquilius must reveal his identity before it is too late, but will Twilight accept him for who he actually is, a professional killer?
Chapters (1)
Hmm... 50/50 eh? I will have to read this to test... Second person is a hard thing to write. Hopefully you got it done well.
I say
When 1 like apppears...ANOTHER DISLIKE APPEARS!
That picture looks like an Assassin's Creed pony.
hmm ill track to see where this is going but 2 person storys are hard to write
Aww... no longer second person? Instant dislike!
Nah, I'll give it a read, see how much better it is.
Okay... big problem with show and tell here. You tell the readers what is going on. You should show them. You could probably add another two thousand words in just fluff text alone here that would make the story much more readable.
Second problem, onomatopoeia mid sentence/thought/description is usually never a good way to go about things, and it just feels jarring here. Fix that up, and you'll have a much better story.
For now, I abstain to vote on whether I like it or not.
Awesome!
Will have to watch this to see where it goes!
Cool story, i have barely seen any assasin stories
also gramatical error " He were bleeding, and all the first aid was gone" last paragraph
should be was
I'll go with a tentative "I'll see," and watch where this goes. A few awkward phrasings, but nothing too bad.
The weirdest one I saw was this:
"As he started to go unconscious, he saw his whole life flash before his eyes."
Would probably look better as:
"As he started to lose consciousness, he saw his whole life flash before his eyes."
Other than that, it's not a bad concept overall.
686080
If this is your first attempt at a story, don't worry too much. I'd say just relax, write it out and see how it goes. Don't worry, people will let you know what they think. Just take the feedback and work with it.
Well, it is definitely better.
Watch out for tense changes. (IE past, present future.)
Is English your native language? If yes, try this: Reread your story out loud. If it sounds like something you would say, or one of your friends would say, it is generally right. If it sounds incredibly awkward, reword it until it isn't.
If not, ask someone who is to go over your story.
Also, if you don't have a pre reader or editor, I suggest you find one. They are all over the place, and all you have to do most cases is ask.
Good luck out there.
I say I give this 91/100
I saw the edits other people told you so I reduced the points I gave you
sorry
Yup.
I'm getting off of hiatus as soon as I have an editor, right now I am starting the 2nd chapter. Don't worry, once I have an editor, things will move along much quicker.
Well... The first chapter's name is ironic.