My friend gave me a ticket to a furry convention that promised a very generous prize for the best costume. I accepted her gift without asking how much it had set her back to acquire the ticket.
Plush is a great fabric for making a fur suit, the material at least is looking like short fur. I chose a character and managed to produce the suit for the big day.
Once at the con, I had signed up and entered the con in high spirits. What came next is a mirror and a flash to where I had ended up. I am certainly not in Kansas anymore.
As the green Unicorn Ruby Blossom, as opposed to the white girl I had been.
Chapters (1)
Lost it right there.
Yiff in hell, mate.
6496700 Unless it is too late to save the show for you, how would you change it in order to make it enjoyable?
Since you at least had the guts to leave a comment, even if I wish you had left out the last part of dead platitude.
Ps: Sorry, I am not used to this long a chapter, and it is a pain to edit.
I myself am fairly neutral as I haven't read the story past the summary, nor will I--so I'm just gonna post this comment someone else made without any additional commentary of my own. I think it echoes my own reaction to the summary fairly well.
6496755 You know what? Since you took that like a champ, I'll try to give ya a bit of advice to help you out.
I'm not going to touch on the subject, because it literally causes me physical pain just to think about it, but I can at least point you towards the more technical aspects of writing (through your description, because I really don't want to open up that chapter).
First thing's first: This. Don't use this. It really isn't funny and only detracts from the overall impact that you may want to have the description produce. This statement is highly biased, of course, but I've seen this quote used so many times that if each quote was a dead horse, I'd be swimming in Indian Ocean of dead horses. You really need anything past the previous line, even if that one isn't the best itself.
Anyways, onward to the grammar. I'll break the whole thing down into paragraphs later, but we'll work on the monster as a whole for this part.
to:
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Overall, your description was a train wreck. It's all over the place and it seems like you can't quite decide on what you wanted to write for it, not to mention your abuse of the poor comma, but it is fixable. You only need commas for a few things. Pauses in speech, separating things out in a list, breaking between two sentences combined via a conjunction (and, or, but, etc.), and separating clauses from the main body of a sentence being the primary uses.
In the first sentence, we take out the comma after convention and replace 'which' with 'that'. We are doing this because using a clause with which generally indicates that there is only one such convention and that we are simply adding in the bit about the prize for extra detail. Obviously, there are more conventions than just this one, so instead we use 'that' to show this while also adding in a short description to help differentiate this one from any of the others like it out there. This rule is very much confusing, so I won't really fault you on it, but it does help to know for the future. Next, I also expanded con to convention and removed the hyphen. While this isn't particularly necessary, it does help to show that you put a little bit more thought into your description and can go a long way to improving your overall storytelling ability when applied with other tactics. We fixed(?) the word price, changing it to prize (because that's what I assumed you meant) and changed the last sentence around a bit. We changed the tense of the sentence from past perfect (which is the tense you use to indicate that something happened before another) to simple past tense (what it is now), because it wasn't necessary (because you didn't actually complete an action by not asking her about the cost of the ticket). Finally, we also changed the sentence around a bit to make it flow better, completely taking out the 'for me' because we already knew it was acquired for you from when you told us she gave it to you.
For the second paragraph, we combined the first two sentences since they correlate enough to warrant the second one being turned into a clause, combining them with a comma, and removed the comma separating fabric and when. Again, we changed the tense from perfect to simple past to help keep the flow. The first part of the third paragraph was turned into its own sentence, mostly because it sounds and looks better sectioned off by itself, and changed the aside about the judges to past tense to keep with the theme (we kept the had in this one because the past perfect actually works well here). Then, we took out that last comma and added 'though' to the end to make the tangent seem less obtrusive. Finally, we do some more changing to simple past tense by removing had, took out the redundant second 'the con' and changed the last sentence of the description to past tense to keep the theme.
With the grammar and such of the original fixed and the changes explained, we'll move on to cleaning it up a bit to make the description less 'bleh'.
The opening, the line that you want to bring in the readers with, should be the most important, or, at the very least, add something important to bring the reader in. You kinda have that with the bit about your friend giving you the ticket, but that's about where it begins to fall apart. The second half of the sentence is entirely unnecessary for the description of the story and should be expressed inside. The price of the ticket, no matter how great or small, is superfluous, unless you were the one that had paid for the ticket. Now, that is a completely different story if you actually meant that bit to say that there was a prize for best costume which I could see making more sense. Still, get rid of the talk about ticket costs. Unnecessary and somewhat distracting.
Anyway, let's go with the latter.
This will be next. Honestly, I couldn't quite understand why you went off on a tangent here. Is it necessary to include the materials of the fursuit you made? Not in the description. Nix that whole bit about the fur. It's irrelevant out here and needs to be in the actual story. What you do want to do, however, is keep the bit about choosing the character. Maybe even tell us very briefly who/what the character is. Many people have preferences and those many people will pass/read based on the character being played. I'm almost one-hundred percent certain that your character will be an OC of yours, so I'd suggest keeping the description to an absolute minimum here, but add a small descriptor nonetheless. It can even be a small aside. (I'll give you an example of a passable description towards the end.)
I... What? I don't quite get what you're saying here, but even if I did it really wouldn't quite matter as it is entirely unneeded as well. We don't need to learn about con rules from the description. In the story it should go.
You don't need that first sentence, again. More exposition that belongs in the narrative. The last sentence is all that's needed.
There! Pointless words eradicated and grammar fixed, it's time to change the semi-cleaned up trainwreck into a passable excuse for a railway.
It's short, sweet, and to the point. It doesn't have unnecessary tripe about things that are irrelevant to the basis of the story (things that would deter possible would-be readers because it bored them). It works as a simple description, a basis to build off of, but it doesn't quite work as a description that would garner too much 'good' attention. Still, it isn't my job to write one for you, so take what I've given you here and try to change it around for the better. Or, apply it to future stories. Or, don't The choice is yours.
6497870 Thanks for making the effort of explaining.
After disecting the massive text your comment makes out, I have made some changes to the Summary, even if it isn't exactly as spelled out, but that is what you did tell me to do, right?
I added a few details on the character.
If the reference to Kansas is flaud, I could use a suggestion as to how to word the intended meaning differently.