Not what you're thinking...

by Visible spectre

The message

[hey] [hey!] [Hey!] [WAKE UP!!] mentally screamed the impatient overseer.

[AHHH dafuq man?] sleepily replied the changeling.

[I just recieved some disturbing news...] explained the overseer, [It seems the swarm is attacking a place called Canterlot?]

[but we just got here, now they're ordering us somewhere else?]

[get this, It didn't sound like the hatchery queen, it must've been a different brood.]

[hmmmmm, well i'll see if i can find anything strange in this settlement, i already met some ponies who were kind and helpful enough to let me stay the night with them.]

[wait...did you say ponies?]

[Yes. Yes I did, do you have a problem?]

[No, it's just strange, that's all.]

Comments

[Your Friendly Neighbor]

What the heck is this? I spot poor dialog structure, poor sentence structure, no plot. What is this even about? Put down the Starcraft, don't lace in terms from games in stuff where it doesn't belong.

Lengthen those chapters, put more detail, more feel. Feel the writing. Feel it! Like a groin kick. Feel it!