The Big Wake Up

“So, you’re sure you can help her?”

Twilight Sparkle looked to the three ponies behind her. Fluttershy and Applejack shared a curious glance to one another, before nodding sternly. Even Pinkie Pie appeared uncharacteristically stern, though not enough to resist giving Twilight a wide, toothy smile. Twilight turned back confidently, her hoof going to her heart as she gave her answer clearly and regally.

“I promise you, Sweetie Belle, we will walk upstairs, and we will bring down two more ponies with us.”

There was an audible sigh of relief from the small crowd of ponies that stood before her. Carousel Boutique was a lot more crowded than usual, but this had nothing to do with fashion, and everyone there knew it.

“Oh, thank heavens!” Rarity’s mother called out. “The poor dear… the boutique is losing traffic by the second!”

“And not just here!” Sassy Saddles spoke up eagerly. “I’ve not seen her in weeks; profits are tumbling without her guidance.”

A pony unfamiliar to Twilight Sparkle stood forward; she would be a mirror to Rainbow Dash, were it not for the overpowering blue of her mane and a coat a pink that her loyal friend wouldn’t be caught dead wearing. The pony had a harsh frown on her face, though it was tempered with tragedy. “I just wanna see my daughter again, Missus Princess; in the flesh ‘n all, not just over the phone wit’ some crazy mare ramblin’ in the background. She’s been kidnapped, no less ‘n that!”

“So do I, Miss Firefly,” Fluttershy said, floating over to the pink pony and offering a hoof, which she took eagerly. “We’ll do everything we can, I promise.”

“I just want her back,” Sweetie Belle said miserably, looking to her hooves. “She needs help.”

“And she’ll get it, Ah promise ya that,” Applejack reassured Sweetie Belle, who smiled awkwardly back up. Twilight Sparkle smiled, before turning around. She quickly made sure that her friends had joined her by her side. On her left, Fluttershy and Applejack gave soft, encouraging smiles. On her right was Pinkie Pie, who was oddly quiet. Still, there were more pressing matters, as Twilight Sparkle’s horn lit up. A pink gossamer aura surrounded the doorknob. She bit her lip.

“She’ll put up a fight,” she pointed out, but her face was the very picture of determination. “But this is our friend, and no matter what, friends stick together!” With that, she gave three sharp raps on the door...

I think I remember the sun shining in Ponyville, once, but that was so long ago that now I wonder if it’s just the misremembered delusions of a mad pony in a mad town.

Idly looking out of the window, I noticed that the entire town had been shrouded in a most blackest night, and the rain coming down in force. If only the rain would wash away the scum of this damn town. It was an interesting thought to have, but after so long, you learn that the kind of dirt that collects in a town like Ponyville is too thick, too diseased, to merely go from a mere storm. I looked away from the window, to my assistant.

“If only this rain would wash away the scum of this damn town, huh?” I called out to her. She was a fan of literature, so I thought she might appreciate the melancholic poetry of my thoughts. She was still tapping away at her typewriter, and gave a simple ‘hmm’ in response. I nodded. “Yeah, like it could. After so long, I’ve learnt that the kind of dirt that collects in a town like Ponyville is too thick, too diseased, to merely go from a mere storm.” Again, she gave a simple ‘hmm’.

Well, I guess some ponies are too wrapped up in the horrors of this world to appreciate words, even one as beautiful as my own. Perhaps, after all I’ve seen, I can’t blame her for forgetting what beauty is.

Only now, though, I noticed how often my trusty assistant was looking up to the door. Her bright, magenta eyes were filled with anticipation, which tipped me off to something. Her look was bright, too bright for a town like Ponyville. In this dark place, her eyes were like suns.
“I think I hear someone at the door!” She suddenly called, her raspy voice echoing through our office with her enthusiasm. After she said it, there was the sound of knocking downstairs. Instantly, I thought that something was up.

“I think something’s up,” I said. She looked back to me, a concerned look in her eyes. I tried to flash her a reassuring smile, though it wasn’t much of one. With the weight of the world on your shoulders, you find it difficult to manage more than a twitch of the corners of your lips. “You know this new client?”

“You could say that, yeah. You do too, Rarity,” she explained, but I just shook my head.

“Do we know anyone anymore, Dash?” I asked. “In this line of work, how can we? How can you see the hidden darkness in someone’s heart?” I looked up to the ceiling, a glass of bourbon embraced lightly by my lips. Dash shrugged her shoulders, her rainbow mane falling out of her bowler hat just a little and obscuring those bright eyes of hers.

“Well, Rarity, it’s just about being able to trust others,” she said. Setting the bourbon down, my smile grew to something that one could actually recognise as a smile.

“There’s only one pony I can trust, my faithful assistant,” I explained, before I looked back down and winked. “Luckily, she’s the only one I need to trust.” Dash’s cheeks went the same colour as her eyes.

“You could charm the spots of a leopard… but what about Sweetie Belle?”

“She’s my sister, Dash; she’s the least trustworthy pony of all,” I explained. “Now go get the door; I need a break from this Al Ca-Scone case.” Dutifully, she went away, and came back with a smile on my face. Behind her, there was the sound of footsteps.
And in walked trouble, on a fine set of legs.

“Evenin’ ladies,” I said to the four ponies who walked in, before gesturing to their side with my hoof. “Please, take a seat.”

“Rarity…” Dash said cautiously.

“Please, I really need to get rid of them,” I explained, gesturing again to the massive pile of chairs. “The cleaner is very unhappy about them all.”

“Actually, Rarity,” Dash said again, before nodding to the four ladies who had walked in. “Our friends are here to have a word with you about this detective business of ours.” With those words, I started to examine each of my guests in turn. The first, Pinkie Pie the baker, remained uncharacteristically quiet. The middle two, farmer Applejack and animal caretaker Fluttershy, had looks of concern, while the Princess on the very end wore a determined frown. My eyes narrowed towards her.

“Princess Twilight Sparkle,” I addressed her. “This is not the sort of place I’d expect a royal.”

“Well, I didn’t expect my friend to be here either,” she said, looking around my office. The filing cabinets in the corner, the cigarette stains on the carpet, the ugly wallpaper, all of it painted a horrible picture. But it was only a reflection of the ugliness of my work. “Look, Rarity, I know you enjoy your Shadow Spade novels, but don't you think this is getting a little out of hand? I mean, you haven't been running the Boutique, and your family's quite worried about you.”

“Princess, I hear enough doubts from the commissioner and I don't need more from you,” I coldly spat. “Over my most recent case, the Mayor’s got his ass in a sling, and the commissioner has got my ass in a sling, and this is all coming as I’m tightening the noose on Al Ca-Scone. If this sling goes, then I can’t guarantee that I can get the noose around Al Ca-Scone’s neck before I’m orbiting the Commissioner’s ass, while he’s launched into the air. Even if I do, our combined weight would probably just drag us all into the ground.” I stood up at my desk, looking out of my window. “Damn it, Al Ca-Scone, I will take this city back from your cruel hooves.”

“Take the city back? Now what in tarnation are ya talking about?” Now it was Applejack’s turn to speak up. “Even since ya helped Rainbow prove her innocence, you’ve just bin gettin’ plum ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous, huh?! That’s what you think this is?!” I grabbed my bourbon glass in rage, shattering it against the table. The four ponies who stood at the door all flinched at the explosion of glass. “I wish I had your naivety, Applejack! I wish I could forget all the chalk outlines, all the scars, all the horrors I’ve seen, and pretend that the world is as filled with sunshine as you think it is.” I turned around, not wanting to face any of them as my face twisted into a vulnerable grimace. “I wish I could… just for a moment.”

“Excuse me, Rarity, but what horrors?” The princess asked. “Ponyville is one of the nicest places in Equestria, with a falling crime rate!”

“And why is that? Maybe because some pony was brave enough to look into the abyss and say ‘No. You don’t win anymore!’ Maybe your world is so perfect because my world is so horrible!” I turned back around. Dash gave me another glass, and I shattered it against the desk in rage.

“Hey, Rarity, wasn’t our last case about a missing cat?” Dash piped up. I shook my head morosely.

“I dread to think about it. Another hour, and it would’ve been slightly hungrier,” I said bitterly. “And all the while, I’ve had to deal with Al Ca-Scone, and the other scum of this town.”

“Rarity, we don’t see you anymore,” Twilight pleaded, her eyes equally desperate. I knew that face; when a young thing walked in fearing for their life, or a police officer at the end of their rope with some case. “Your family are concerned, the boutique is failing, and Rainbow Dash has been in her home all of three nights in the past two months. Please, just come back down with us, and just forget this whole detective nonsense.”

“No, Princess. Not until Al Ca-Scone meets justice.”

“Ummm… Al who?” Fluttershy, ever quiet, ever demure, finally spoke up. I hesitated; the details may have been too horrible to tell her. I’ve seen things that would make her head spin, her stomach churn, her kidneys squirm, her femur file an official complaint. But, I told the story.

“Al Ca-Scone; a gangster and baker whose gang has Ponyville by the throat. No one knows her real name; no one even dares speak it. Serial killers lie awake at night, just thinking about her, shivering in terror. Even her own gang is scared stiff,” I started. The canary pegasus’ eyes widened. “A few years ago, she was small fry; smuggling in shortbread to sell on the black market. But now? She runs the entire confectionary circuit in Western Ponyville through violence and terror, and she’s looking to expand in the other gangs’ territory eastward.” I opened one of the files on my table, looking in. “She’s got everything; protection rackets, blackmail, smuggling, robbery, murder…”

“Rarity, there hasn’t even bin a murder for three years in Ponyville,” Applejack said.

“You didn’t eat the black forest gateau she left at the police station!” I shouted in horror. “No one could even finish it; it was just so rich, it made me sick for days!” I looked to Dash. “Tell them!” The rainbow maned Pegasus took her bowler hat off, giving her head a bit of a scratch.

“It was pretty filling, but I did have two slices,” she admitted. “Plus, in all of the shops she’s operated in, the price of shortbeard’s gone up really high. She’s got a monopoly on it.”

“The prices are nothing less than criminal!” I asserted. Then my eyes turned to the only silent pony, who now finally decided to add her two bits.

“Hold on,” Pinkie Pie said, her bright, bubbly voice seeming so much dimmer now. “If no one knows Al Ca-Scone’s real name, how come you and Dashie know she’s a girl?”

Oh, the poor fool. She had walked straight into my trap.

“You couldn’t resist, could you Pinkie?” I asked. My teeth began to bare themselves, like a fox who knows that the hare is on its last legs. “You really wanted to see how close I was to cracking it, weren’t you Pinkie? Or should I say… Al?” Twilight, Applejack and Fluttershy rolled their eyes.

“See, this! This is what I’m talking about!” Twilight said, pointing to Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie Pie is not a gangster; you’re letting your flights of fancy get in the way of your real life. Please, just give up the detective stuff. I mean, you’ve really upset Pinkie Pie, hasn’t she, Pinkie?” Her gaze whipped to the pink pony at the end.

“You know, you should’ve stuck to missing cats, Detective Rarity.”

“Exactly, you shouldn’t allow your imagination run so wild,” Twilight asserted, before her brow furrowed. “Wait, that’s not what Pinkie said at all.” The pink pony, meanwhile, had dipped her head, a grin finally coming to her face.

“Heh… he he he he…” She looked up now, her eyes crueller than those of a crocodile, but I remained steadfast. Now her laugh became a cackle. “Ha ha ha ha ha! You! You really think that you can stop me?! You’re an ant, Detective!”

“Pinkie?!” Dash spoke up, looking betrayed. “You’re Al Ca-Scone? After all this time?” Her hurt expression would’ve been heartbreaking, if this city hadn’t worn my heart away like sandpaper against the paintwork on the car of your obnoxious neighbour who won’t stop hosting parties until three in the morning. Pinkie just looked to Dash, her grin one of psychotic malice. “But… but all of those muffins I bought at Sugarcube Corner? They didn’t come from the black market, did they?”

“Of course!” She called out, before looking to me. “I had to do it! The ingredients for Maud’s rock candy; it was getting too much. I had to get another source of income.”

“And then, once you got the taste for the cake smuggling scene, you couldn’t help but take a larger bite,” I remarked. “You got bored. Shortbeard couldn’t keep you entertained forever, could it?”

“I saw opportunities, Detective. I’m just giving Ponyville the baked goods it wants, no matter the cost. Besides, who would you rather have running this town? Bugsy Mapony? The Hay Brothers, perhaps? They couldn’t make half the money for Ponyville I can.”

“That’s dirty money you’re making, Al. Money stained in blood and cookie dough. And I can’t get you go on any longer.”

“Then I can’t let you go on either.”

Before I could stop her, her hoof was raised. A black pistol was in her hand, which she fired twice. I watched as her two shots flew through the air towards me, when I saw another body floating in front of me.

“Dash! No!” I screamed in horror as my assistant dove in front of the bullets.

“I’ll save you!” She shouted. I watched as the first shot connected, and she let out a pained “Noooooooooooooo!” My eyes widened, until they focused on Al Ca-Scone, who looked similarly shocked. I pulled out my own weapon, firing three crisp shots and hoping to avenge my assistant…

Twilight, Fluttershy and Applejack stood, frozen to the spot, as Rarity and Pinkie Pie repeatedly pulled the triggers of their water pistols, squirts of water splattering onto one another, while Rainbow Dash hovered in front of Rarity, impressively simulating slow motion as she let out a quiet and deep “noooooooooooooooooo”. Twilight’s brow dropped more and more by the second, frustration coming across her face. She then looked around the room.

“Does Rarity have any more glasses?” She asked. “I really need a bourbon right now.”

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