Magic is A W.M.D

sun set and the the human main six twilight are taken to a military base to be tested to see if the magic int them could be weaponized to made in to something to rival a nuke. what will happen to them after?

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Comments ( 6 )

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earthboundfolk

earthboundfolk #1 · Nov 2nd, 2015 · · ·

Oh where should I start...

First off, I'd like to say that there is a distinct lack of capitalization in your story. This occurs throughout, and it becomes very distracting at times. A second point is that you forget to use quotation marks a lot. This can be very confusing to the reader. Also, do not use onomatopoeia in any writing tended to look professional. It ruins much of the immersion and really looks poorly written. Finally, I cannot stress this enough: Punctuation. Is. Key. Besides missing apostrophes in contractions, you forgot to put period signs at the end of sentences. It completely breaks the flow.

I also want to mention this: The characters seem OOC. I understand that this is your oneshot, meaning that if they swear, it is just what you imagine what they're like off the screen. The problem is that they seem close to how they act on screen at the beginning, so having Rarity or Rainbow Dash (you didn't specify well) suddenly shout "What the fuck?" basically breaks the personality you had been setting up.

Rating: __ __ __ __ (1 Derpy out of a possible 5)

Edit: I would like to note that I didn't hate your story or anything. Yes, it was a mess, but I believe you can write well if you learn from your mistakes. This is supposed to be telling you what you've done wrong so you can do better next time.

LuckieBrony

LuckieBrony #2 · Nov 2nd, 2015 · · ·

fixed it

derpy3

derpy3 #3 · Nov 3rd, 2015 · · ·

not bad but it is a little short u-no but i I would give it 3 stars out of 5 now that you fixed it after earthboundfolk pointed out the Punctuation and capitalization stuff

LuckieBrony

LuckieBrony #4 · Nov 3rd, 2015 · · ·

6595430 thank you fore the comment and its so short because i plan on writing another story to continue it think of it as a set up story

aterriblewriter

aterriblewriter #5 · Nov 3rd, 2015 · · ·

Sorry it took so long for me to take a look at this..... I'm gonna be honest and say that this thing is a mess. just letting my critic loose, nothing personal. I'd say that you need a proofreader to polish this thing up, not that I'm volunteering to be that guy.