The mare's eye widen in fear at his words, making her whole body trembling. She doesn't want to give up her mark, it's what a pony lives for, no one ever want to lose their mark! But she mustn't yield, too many depends on her. If she betray them, they'll all suffer the same fate!
Shouldn't this be in past tense? Like:
"The mare's eye widened in fear at his words, making her whole body tremble. She didn't want to give up her mark, it's what a pony lives for, no one ever wants to lose their mark! But she mustn't yield, too many depended on her. If she betrayed them, they'd all suffer the same fate!"
In fact there are quite a few times when you drop in and out of present tense. Nice story other than that though.
The harness consisted of straps of leather over her naked body, but instead of covering anything, it only served to accent her features.
the slaver tossed it at Nighthawk
Shouldn't this be in past tense? Like:
"The mare's eye widened in fear at his words, making her whole body tremble. She didn't want to give up her mark, it's what a pony lives for, no one ever wants to lose their mark! But she mustn't yield, too many depended on her. If she betrayed them, they'd all suffer the same fate!"
In fact there are quite a few times when you drop in and out of present tense. Nice story other than that though.
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Thanks for the catch, I'll fix it now
Good story, but the English is a little... sick. Nothing a good edit can't fix, though, if you want me to.
Is English your first language?