The Summoning
Celestia’s Pavilion…
It was late in the afternoon and time for the sun to be set when Celestia and Vaultaire returned to the alicorn’s pavilion. After the incident with Chartres, the two had toured The Grand Gathering, looking for other ponies of potential. Both had enjoyed the day immensely.
“Looks like you have a few new trinkets for your mantel,” remarked Vaultaire, eyeing the bags that Celestia carried with her magic.
“We remind thee that we do not have a mantel anymore, and our tent is sorely in need of decoration,” replied the alicorn-in-disguise. It was then Vaultaire remembered that the war destroyed Celestia’s royal chambers along with the castle.
“Sorry Celestia. I forgot,” said Vaultaire apologetically.
“We accept thy apology Vaultaire,” said Celestia, the ends of her mouth slightly turned upwards. The two were nearing the tent, when the two guardsponies, a pegasus and a unicorn, advanced and lowered their spears at them.
“Halt! In the name of Princess Celestia, state your names and your business! The Princess is resting!” shouted the pegasus guard. Vaultaire stared at Celestia her face incredulous.
“You didn’t tell the guards where you were?”
“Do you think they would have let me go without an escort?” pointed out Celestia
“Oh that’s true. How come they don’t recognize us though? We did come out of the tent the usual way.”
“We suspect that this is a different shift.”
“Really? I can’t tell. All Royal Guards look the same.”
“STOP IGNORING US!” roared the unicorn. Celestia and Vaultaire ignored the Royal Guardspony and smiled cryptically at each other.
“Baroness Vaultaire, all Royal Guards dye their coats, manes and tales because we decided it to be so. Is that not true, soldiers?” asked Celestia as she turned her smile at the Royal Guards. It was a sweet smile, but her eyes were gleaming with mischief. The two guards stared. The unicorn seemed familiar, almost too familiar to a certain alicorn.
“What do you mean you decided it?” demanded the pegasus.
“The Princess was the one who… ” The unicorn guard’s heart almost stopped beating as he figured out whom he was facing and he immediately stood to attention.
“Blaster Hoof, what are you doing? So what if Princess Celestia was the one who…” the pegasus nearly dropped his spear as he came to the same conclusion and he quickly stood to attention.
“Princess Celestia! Sorry for shouting at you and your companion!” barked the two guards nervously.
“Apology accepted. We will only be in the tent shortly. Prepare to escort us to Golden Triangle’s pavilion,” said Celestia as she trotted into her tent with Vaultaire, the two barely suppressing their laughter.
Golden Triangle’s pavillion …
Golden Triangle was reading a manuscript when two guards entered to announce the arrival of Princess Celestia and Baroness Vaultaire. Moving slowly, but efficiently, he smoothed out his mane and stood to attention.
To Golden Triangle’s mild amusement and surprise, Vaultaire and a unicorn that bore a startling resemblance to the princess entered the tent. Unlike many other ponies, Golden Triangle reacted with the Princess almost daily so he was familiar with her appearance and her tricks. Remembering the guard’s announcement, Golden Triangle dipped his head and knelt in a short bow.
“Your highness, did thou find any ponies worthy of the responsibility for designing the new capitol?” asked the aquamarine coloured stallion. The disguised monarch of Equestria nodded.
“Yes. In particular we have five ponies in mind.” Golden Triangle was momentarily gripped in a vice of panic as he inwardly balked at Celestia’s announcement. He trusted the princess not to make a stupid decision, but all the same, the unicorn was more than surprised that Celestia had already five ponies in mind after the first day. Not to mention that he had no idea how much influence Vaultaire had on these choices and anything that that pegasus did must be checked.
“We understand thy highness. May we ask if these choices are… final?” inquired Golden Triangle. Celestia shook her head.
“No, they are not. There still are several days until the Gathering is finished, our Royal Architect. We will continue to search the Gathering for more artists,” said the alicorn. At that Golden Triangle relaxed a bit.
“So who are these ponies?” asked the unicorn, the curiosity evident in his eyes.
“They are Spire, Sa’id of the Southern Deserts, Chartres, Lord Barbican and Lady White Tower,” replied Celestia. Golden Triangle’s jaw almost dropped open. Apart from Lord Barbican and White Tower, he didn’t recognize three of those names. That got him worried. If he had not hear of these ponies, that meant they were younger unheard-of artists. That meant they were inexperienced and probably had a far different style that might clash with his.
Needless to say, Golden Triangle was again worried about the stability project group.
“We beg thy pardon, your highness, but are these ponies… well… um… What are their qualifications?” asked Golden Triangle, managing to put a lid on his apprehension. Only to have it spill out at Celestia’s reply.
“Those ponies have no professional qualifications except for Lord Barbican and Lady White Tower,” replied the alicorn calmly. The unicorn almost fainted with fright, causing Celestia to examine the unicorn with a concerned gaze. Even Vaultaire was alarmed.
“Art thou ill, Duke Trottingham?” asked Celestia. Golden Triangle shook his head as he recovered his wits and calmed himself down. Despite the unicorn’s fears, he knew that his sovereign must know what she was doing. Celestia would not have chosen Barbican and White Tower if she was truly out of her mind.
“No your majesty… we were just shocked for a moment. May we ask what prompted thou to consider the three ponies without any professional qualifications?” asked Golden Triangle. The alicorn smiled.
“Ah, so it was thy fears that almost caused thee to faint? Fear not, my little pony. There are still several days before The Gathering ends. Perhaps we will find ponies with better qualifications in those days. So for now, relax Golden Triangle,” said Celestia.
Several days later, the evening before the final day of The Great Gathering of Creators…
Golden Triangle met Celestia and Vaultaire at the front of Celestia’s pavilion. The Princess of Equestria was still in disguise. She and Vaultaire had been touring The Great Gathering, looking at promising artists. The unicorn fervently hoped that Celestia had been dissuaded from her initial choices.
He was in for a disappointment.
“Good evening, Golden Triangle. Unfortunately, our choices have not changed,” replied Celestia. Golden Triangle groaned mentally. At least Lord Barbican and White Tower would be among the ponies in the project group he could trust.
“Cheer up, Golden Oldy. You’re in for a treat! Before we came here, I took a message to the guards to find all of those ponies and bring them here with some of their work. I can’t wait to see your face!” giggled Vaultaire cheekily despite Celestia’s disapproving glare.
“We think we are in for something worse than being stretched out on a rack,” muttered the unicorn sarcastically. Celestia overheard and chuckled.
“Do not fret my loyal architect. While we do not approve of Vaultaire’s second name for thee, we firmly agree with her that thou art in for a treat.”
An hour later, Celestia’s Pavillion…
Sa'id entered the enclosure in front of Celestia’s pavilion with one of his inventions balanced carefully on his back and was more than surprised when he saw Byzas waiting outside the pavillion.
“Masallama Byzas! You were summoned too?” said the desert pony. The maroon stallion almost knocked over what could only be a large covered painting that he had set down beside him.
“HelloSa'id!YesIwas!Imean. Yes. I was summoned. Do you know why?” asked the earth pony. The colt was more nervous than ever. It had been almost impossible for him to drag himself to Celestia's pavilion and the guards certainly didn’t help. Had the princess somehow found him at last? Had his disguise been somehow seen through? And why was he asked to bring his painting? How had she known about his painting?
“Nope! What a coincidence that we keep running into each other though!” said Sa'id.
“Greetings.” The two stallions turned to face the speaker. It was a well-built white pegasus stallion with brown eyes. He was accompanied by a deep sky blue earth pony mare. Almost as if he had teleported, Sa'id sprang up right in front of the pegasus and began pumping his hoof.
“Masallama! I'm Sa'id from the Southern Equestrian deserts! Who might you be?” asked the desert pony. The pegasus's eyes had snapped open in surprise.
“How did you... Never mind, I must be seeing things... I am Lord Barbican, military architect and engineer. This is my assistant, the Lady White Tower.” Byzas examined the blue mare as she dipped her head politely and crossed her front hooves in a rather old-fashioned greeting.
“Greetings to you my lord and my lady, I am Spire, an artist. Did her majesty summon the two of you too?” asked the maroon stallion rapidly. Barbican did a take and blinked twice at the stallion’s chatter, but White Tower was unfazed.
“She did,” said White Tower in acknowledgement. Byzas frowned. If Celestia was going to arrest him, she wouldn’t summon Sa’id and two military architects. The stallion’s overly-imaginative mind was stumped.
“Do you know why Her Royal Highness has summoned us?” asked Byzas. White Tower and Barbican exchanged glances. After Princess Celestia had visited the tent, the two had talked a lot about the possible reasons for the alicorn to be going around in disguise. The pair ended up brainstorming such implausible theories that they eventually gave up.
“We’re not sure. Though she did-.” Barbican was interrupted by a unicorn with heavily laden saddlebags, cantering quickly into the clearing.
“I’m so sorry! Am I late? Is Her Royal Highness here yet?”
“No, she isn’t. Your name is Chartres, right?” asked White Tower. The unicorn nodded.
“I take it she was pleased with what you had to offer then,” remarked the earth pony’. At this, Chartres smiled and nodded eagerly and Barbican chuckled.
“That’s good then. What were you asking us, Spire? Spire?”
Byzas didn’t answer Barbican’s question. The poor stallion had been bowled head over heels as he gazed at Chartres, a dreamy look in his Byzantine eyes. He only saw the ivory white of Chartres’s coat, the shades of her short, unruly blue mane, and her wide teal eyes. He was smitten. All the stallion could do right now was breath and even that was becoming increasingly difficult for him.
“Iwas…I Uh… I was… teehee…hello!” gurgled Byzas, his eyes still fixated on Chartres, who was beginning to notice she had attention.
“Um… are you alright, sir?” asked Chartres concernedly. Feeling incredibly light-headed, Byzas’s jaw slowly worked out a reply.
“Never….been….better…miss…Chartres….my…name…is….B-.” At that Byzas’s brain returned, shocking him out of his dreamy state and causing a hoof to be sent right to the stallion’s mouth.
“Mrmnamereesfpire!” replied Byzas unintelligibly, his hoof swallowed by his mouth. Chartres stared at Byzas, her teal eyes blinking in surprise. The stallion’s wince was far from a fair representation of the horror that was gripping him; he had almost revealed who he was! Chartres’s wide-eyed stare only made him feel worse as he prepared himself for a million barbed questions.
So he was in for a shock when she burst into laughter.
“Sorry! That was... teehee... hilarious! What is your name again?” asked Chartres, attempting and failing to hold back her giggle with a hoof.
“Spire. My name is Spire,” gasped the bemused stallion, his limb extricated from his mouth.
“That’s a nice name; I understand why you would be afraid of mispronouncing it,” giggled Chartres. Spire barely noticed that the unicorn had just passed off his mistake as an accidental mispronounciation and almost relapsed into lala-land again. It wasn’t really his fault, since Chartres looked absolutely adorable when she giggled. Seriously, if there was a manticore, it would have given her a lick. Luckily for him, a short fanfare trumpets distracted Byzas before he lost it.
Five Royal Guardsponies advanced, two of them with trumpets and a third in the centre holding a scroll with his magic. There seemed to be three ponies behind them, but the hulking forms of the unicorns and pegasi hid them.
“Presenting Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria! His Grace, Duke Golden Triangle, Royal Architect of Equestria, and Baroness Vaultaire of Lonely Mountain,” shouted the central guard. The five summoned ponies knelt immediately. The Royal Guards then separated to reveal the three ponies.
Sa’id frowned and Byzas gasped as they recognized the white unicorn and her pegasus companion. When they thought back to the guard’s announcement, they realized who had been the mysterious mare.
“Princess Celestia!” squeaked Byzas.
“Indeed my little ponies,” said the alicorn. Quickly, with a flare of light, the princess shed her disguise and towered over the kneeling ponies.
“Wait... if she was... I mean you were Princess Celestia... then...” Sa’id’s eyes grew to the size of cauldrons as he came to a shocking realization.
“Then, I bit your majesty's tail?” said Sa'id incredulously. Celestia nodded, a very serious look on her face. The desert pony was rigid; his hooves dug in firmly into the ground and his head sunk even lower. Everypony in the enclosure had turned their heads and looked at Sa'id, with expressions of horror and disbelief.
“If it’s any recompense, your majesty, your tail tasted funny.”
With that, the entire group burst out in laughter, stoic Royal Guards and Celestia included.
Well biting into a tail made of rainbow light. At least it didn't taste like a rainbow.
This was a pretty good chapter. I loved the guards' reaction to Celestia, and we can start to see how the group is going to interact with each other.
I did find one error in my initial read, though:
I think you mean the "stability of the project group."
Still, write on!
And Spire thought he had his hoof in his mouth! Glad to see you're back.
1262276
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/590/objection.gif
As said in the prolgue (during a fragment that I need to look at...)
Her normally-shifting mane, pink like the rising sun was lifeless
Furthermore, in GGpt1:
This... is my normal form, the result of me shedding most of the power that is given to me by the sun.
I'd assume her mane isn't quite the same as before when she shed her power.
Therefore, since her mane looked nothing like a rainbow, we can conclude that it most definately tasted like one. Mmm... spicy!
1262283 eh woopsy. Thanks! To be honest I didn't super like the chapter when it got out, but now I'm guess I'm happy .When is Bring Up Blueblood going to updated?
1262276 O_O.... I thought I made it pretty clear her mane was pink.... maybe I need to pop it up here and there again.
1262318 Where in the world... did you get that reasoning.... I don't quite get it sir.
1262289 Thanks! The chapter was a bit annoying because I had uni and I'm trying to get a schedule out.
To all, shameless ads: Please tell your friends about the story
1262343 Reason is an illusion; only after this acceptance can reality be an illusion.
It's not supposed to make sense!
All I did was point out her tail color, then I gave a reason for something with the logic "because Discord".
Ah, you and your games, Celestia.
1263889
Hi Vren!
I finally got around to reading this, and I really do like it. The time period is original (I love stories set in the past) and your characters are well fleshed out.
My advice is going to be a bit different, though. I think you need to decide where your story really starts, and then start the story there. I know, huh?
What I mean is, your entire story so far feels like setup. The first four chapters are admittedly setup, and I find myself getting lost with each OC. I think you should keep chapter 1, ditch the whirlwind character introductions in the first three chapters, and start with the great gathering. Start with Celestia's and Vaultaire's POV, and then have them meet each of the OC's and steadily bring them in, fleshing them out more while the plot actually happens. I'm not saying get rid of any information, but weave it into the main story. I think this would make the entire story more interesting, would give new readers more of a hook (in fanfics especially, readers like starting with a character they know) and would give you the opportunity to bring in each character's backstory and actually relate them to the plot of your story. It would also make them more mysterious and intriguing. For example, we'd see Byzas be anxious about being caught, but not knowing why right up front would make him more interesting.
Most importantly, doing it this way would actually have your story start right up front. Pacing is important!
Now, another thing-showing and not telling. You need to show us the gathering! Don't just tell us that ponies are hawking their wares, show us. Describe the weather, tell us what Celestia is hearing or seeing or smelling as she walks through the area. Have her interact briefly with people. Give us snippets of overheard conversation, like "Did you hear that Byzas killed himself/got away?" Flesh out the world and the setting, at least enough to show us if its radically different from the ponyville of today. Right now everything is character focused, and that's fine, but you can also flesh out your characters and your world more by showing how they interact with the world.
And finally, you need to proofread very carefully. I'm noticing a lot of what I think are probably typos as a result of very fast writing and not a lot of editing. You have quite a few sentences that don't make sense and a lot of grammatical and some punctuation errors. If you're incapable of noticing these yourself (and I don't blame you, I am too when I edit my own writing) ask a friend to do it for you. Keep formatting consistent, too-I got slammed by a pre-reader when I submitted my story for being inconsistent with how many spaces I had after a period. The convention is one.
I hope some of this helps. Overall, you need to tighten up your story a bit and improve your pacing, but I do like it. I just think it could be even better.
1425555 Oh deary.... that type of major rewrite was something I wanted to avoid... Greatly avoid.... , I agree I need to show that more... but there may be one way I can pull it off though... If I... flesh out great Gathering chapters more... and put the character setup/background chapters after that... as almost like a flashback/explanation to what the hell just happened... then that would work...Wait... That WOULD work... it'd only require approx 1000 more words per chapter!!! I'mma do it... right after midterms and right after this arc first and then i'll see what I need to work on
Convention is one??? I was taught to do two and I can't darnit stop doing 2 spaces. the tabs are driving me nuts lately... they appear normal in the editor, but when I publsih things go out of whack. I do have a few pre-reader/proofs, but I guess there are a few he missed (and this isn't exactlly the latest version up)
Anyhow, Thanks for the fav, like and review!!! :D
1425626
Two is fine also, just a little eye-catching, but it's more important that they are consistent, I think.
Yeah, it's all up to you-I prefer my stories fast paced, but clearly I was dinged on world building and such by EQD, so keep that in mind when evaluating my advice. I think the most important thing for you to focus on now if you don't want to do a rewrite would be the showing vs telling. Showing is very important, and helps people get immersed in your story.
Everypony is getting together and they'll all party Pinkie style! Right?...Right?
Anywho, it's been a while since I've sat down to read some good ole' fashioned fanfiction. I'm still enjoying the story and I wish you all the best with the revision should you choose to revise it.
Such a great chapter, I loved all of the character's reactions and there were a few times where I couldn't stop laughing. I'm enjoying the story so far, and Its really helping me get a feel for how my OC's will be.
Byzas's habit of fasttalking made me think of a joke in one of the old Dragonlance stories, where they said that Gnomes always talk very fast and "runtheirwordstogether".