It is said that deep underground in the center of a mighty labyrinth there lies a palace. Within this palace and guarded by a terrible beast there is said to be a mask containing untold power. Many have sought this mask. None have succeeded.
When a young earth pony, named Epona, claims her mentor is trapped in that very palace at the mercy of that very terrible beast, Daring Do agrees to help.
But can she succeed where all others have failed?
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That was great! Amazing job!
6459522
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
the back and forth really killed the story for me.
This story needs to be edited a lot better. There are sentence fragments and places where missing apostrophes make plurals where there should be possessives. Please fix.
6467419
Thank you for the feedback. I don't doubt that you're correct about the missing apostrophes. Those can be somewhat tricky at times. However, I must disagree on your other point. Despite being unacceptable in academic writing, fragments are perfectly acceptable in a narrative.
6469309 I'll grant you that sometimes sentence fragments are acceptable in narrative; in casual speech, we talk a lot in sentence fragments. For example, aside from the missing comma, this is perfectly acceptable:
However, some of the sentence fragments in your story are not of that caliber; they appear to exist only because you substituted a period in place of a comma. For example:
That sentence fragment is clearly supposed to be part of the previous sentence, and should be written as such (I'll also supply the missing apostrophes):
6470001
Alright, your point is valid. I may have abused my fragment privilege a wee bit. I'll work towards improving that in the future.
Once again, thank you for your feedback. It's been invaluable.