A pregnant unicorn mare is sent out into the wasteland to find a suitable settlement where the people from her dying, overcrowded Stable could thrive in. But even with a task as daunting as this, things in the Equestrian wasteland are never easy.
Ah...out of all the Fallout: Equestria stories i've read, surprisingly, this is the best out of a few. Not the best but not bad either. Keep it up! I'm looking forward to it!
6523485 Not much, believe it or not (in my view anyway). I've noticed only a few punctuation and grammar errors (Only like once or twice for the grammar tho)
I feel...and this is just my opinion...that you could maybe be a tad bit more descriptive in some things? I mean, what you have is fine and everything...yet...it lacks...what's the word i'm looking for? Hmm...well...the best word i can think of is... a bigger picture. I can get the gist of characters, and what they look like...i can get the gist of the surroundings, but, and i mean you don't have to, but maybe...shoot for just a little more description?
I've read some of the past comments, and while, i'm guessing you will end up showing us what you were planning...well...it does feel only the tiniest bit forced. Nothing to worry much about though.
Anyway...great story so far, and i'll definitely be looking for the updates!
6523652 Also, you and that other guy keep saying "forced" like it's some buzzword
What exactly is forced about it, I don't get Muckraker (believe it or not) has a sense of patriotism from living in a hard place like the Zona. It's his home. What would someone in his position of power (only radio station in the Zona) do when (while going on limited info) some random person looks to be responsible for destroying literally the only reason the Zona is alive (main food source/trading hub) and will surely mean the entire death of the Zona by starvation?
Hey! I finally got caught up, right before chapter 5's set to drop apparently.
So, this is about the point where, as I recall, things became very different from the original. Either that, or I missed a chapter originally. Regardless, this chapter was fun as hell. Your characters fucking ooze... well, character. I was originally a little skeptical about the narration style, but it's really grown on me (even the skill tests, in their own fashion). But Plum, Silk (is she dead? Nooooooo!), Muckraker... they're fun.
Things move fast, and the narrative style allows it to. Situations develop quickly, and once you get used to it, it feels rather natural, I think.
On top of that, the setting you've made - the Zona - is characterized as much by its inhabitants - more, actually - as the geography. The flanamingoes, the bounty hunters, the townsponies... they all fit into this setting, creating a very coherent, fun narrative. I've said it once, but Silk was so fun here. The salespony-who-sells-whatever-she-can, and knows it... it feels so much like a western, and I love it.
This has become a story I am so glad I encouraged back in... August, was it? Because this story just feels so very flavourful. It doesn't feel like an epic, it feels like a story that will actually wrap up relatively quickly, and that's a really enticing thing. I do wonder where it's all going.
Lookin forward to 5! Kinda glad I apparently skipped the wait on this one, because whoo boy, that cliffhanger.
This is where the story starts to lose me a bit. It feels like the whole wasteland has turned on Leaky due to what happened to Plumwood. The situation with Hayseed seems reasonable enough; they're going off shoddy information from Muckraker and probably think Leaky's some herald of destruction, and letting her in their town will lead to their doom. Fair enough.
But seriously with those two bounty hunters in the rockfields... you have to be some special kind of dumb to think a pregnant mare sent an army to burn down an entire town.
As for Silk Road, I liked her. Nothing too complicated about it, I just really liked her. She's kind, and generous, and wasteland savvy. She's also clearly dealt with a lot of sh*t, to the point of not caring that her brahmin got shot dead right in front of her (a fact that I found a bit jarring at first). Still, her character gave a bit of reprieve from the bleakness Leaky had been facing until then, and it was nice to see she'd made a friend.
Too bad I can't say the same for Muckraker. What a nasty piece of work he is. And I love him for it! Don't get me wrong, I still want to punch him in his trash-talking mouth, but that just means you did a good job writing him. Everything about him just oozes personality, from his radio-rig, to how he taunts the pink bird-mutants he's fighting, to the fact that he drew a picture of Dog on the missile he plans to kill him with.
But goodness, is that a vaguely german accent I hear? Oh no...
6463959
"No invasive force blindly destroys the surrounding resources"
Dude, even during the American Civil War, armies razed and destroyed resources they easily could have used for themselves.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6523325
Thanks yo, it's an honor!
Ah...out of all the Fallout: Equestria stories i've read, surprisingly, this is the best out of a few. Not the best but not bad either.
Keep it up! I'm looking forward to it!
6523404
Glad you don't think it's shit!
What points do you think need improvement?
6523485 Not much, believe it or not (in my view anyway).
I've noticed only a few punctuation and grammar errors (Only like once or twice for the grammar tho)
I feel...and this is just my opinion...that you could maybe be a tad bit more descriptive in some things? I mean, what you have is fine and everything...yet...it lacks...what's the word i'm looking for? Hmm...well...the best word i can think of is... a bigger picture. I can get the gist of characters, and what they look like...i can get the gist of the surroundings, but, and i mean you don't have to, but maybe...shoot for just a little more description?
I've read some of the past comments, and while, i'm guessing you will end up showing us what you were planning...well...it does feel only the tiniest bit forced. Nothing to worry much about though.
Anyway...great story so far, and i'll definitely be looking for the updates!
6523652
Define "a little description"
To what? The landscape? The world? Future plot points?
6523652
Also, you and that other guy keep saying "forced" like it's some buzzword
What exactly is forced about it, I don't get
Muckraker (believe it or not) has a sense of patriotism from living in a hard place like the Zona. It's his home.
What would someone in his position of power (only radio station in the Zona) do when (while going on limited info) some random person looks to be responsible for destroying literally the only reason the Zona is alive (main food source/trading hub) and will surely mean the entire death of the Zona by starvation?
6523711
Eh...Mainly to the surrounding area of wherever the OC(s) are.
Ah....never mind then..fair point.
Great chapter. I cant wait for the next one. Keep up the great work of yours.
6523795
Next chapter has more "sight seeing", more world building and exploration of the Zona
6525053
Glad you're enjoying it, bruv
This is good, keep it going,
Honora Imperator
I'm liking this so far. PoorLeaky really needs to catch a break though.
6932314
Ha ha. Nope. c:
Glad you're liking it!
Hey! I finally got caught up, right before chapter 5's set to drop apparently.
So, this is about the point where, as I recall, things became very different from the original. Either that, or I missed a chapter originally. Regardless, this chapter was fun as hell. Your characters fucking ooze... well, character. I was originally a little skeptical about the narration style, but it's really grown on me (even the skill tests, in their own fashion). But Plum, Silk (is she dead? Nooooooo!), Muckraker... they're fun.
Things move fast, and the narrative style allows it to. Situations develop quickly, and once you get used to it, it feels rather natural, I think.
On top of that, the setting you've made - the Zona - is characterized as much by its inhabitants - more, actually - as the geography. The flanamingoes, the bounty hunters, the townsponies... they all fit into this setting, creating a very coherent, fun narrative. I've said it once, but Silk was so fun here. The salespony-who-sells-whatever-she-can, and knows it... it feels so much like a western, and I love it.
This has become a story I am so glad I encouraged back in... August, was it? Because this story just feels so very flavourful. It doesn't feel like an epic, it feels like a story that will actually wrap up relatively quickly, and that's a really enticing thing. I do wonder where it's all going.
Lookin forward to 5! Kinda glad I apparently skipped the wait on this one, because whoo boy, that cliffhanger.
'V for what?'
Just kidding.
Its been a long time since I read a FO:E, let alone anything. However, you've captured my attention. Keep it up.
The review continues... (spoilers as always.)
This is where the story starts to lose me a bit. It feels like the whole wasteland has turned on Leaky due to what happened to Plumwood. The situation with Hayseed seems reasonable enough; they're going off shoddy information from Muckraker and probably think Leaky's some herald of destruction, and letting her in their town will lead to their doom. Fair enough.
But seriously with those two bounty hunters in the rockfields... you have to be some special kind of dumb to think a pregnant mare sent an army to burn down an entire town.
As for Silk Road, I liked her. Nothing too complicated about it, I just really liked her. She's kind, and generous, and wasteland savvy. She's also clearly dealt with a lot of sh*t, to the point of not caring that her brahmin got shot dead right in front of her (a fact that I found a bit jarring at first). Still, her character gave a bit of reprieve from the bleakness Leaky had been facing until then, and it was nice to see she'd made a friend.
Too bad I can't say the same for Muckraker. What a nasty piece of work he is. And I love him for it! Don't get me wrong, I still want to punch him in his trash-talking mouth, but that just means you did a good job writing him. Everything about him just oozes personality, from his radio-rig, to how he taunts the pink bird-mutants he's fighting, to the fact that he drew a picture of Dog on the missile he plans to kill him with.
But goodness, is that a vaguely german accent I hear? Oh no...