The Pen Pal

by Jesse Coffey

Telephone Conversation/Late At Night

The phone rings and is answered by Grogar. The pony on the other line is Sweetie Belle.

"Hello Grogar. I was just wondering if you happened to get my letters lately. And, by the way, I didn't know you had a telephone. How's it plugged in?"

"The phone line is hooked up to the wall of MY HOUSE. My house is neat and clean, not unkempt and shabby-looking."

"I'm sorry. I just read this book which gave me a very weird idea about your lifestyle. I guess that's why you didn't write me back."

"Right! I wanted to correct you but I thought your response would be belated anyway. Then again, a lot of my questions went unanswered."

"That's due to the boredom my answers would've caused. I mean, a mall is just one really big store with lots of little stores in it."

"If you're ever in the Griffon Kingdom, you'll find a lot of those. Our oldest and largest mall is the Arma Pasa."

At which point Rarity asks Sweetie Belle to help her work on a dress. Sweetie Belle says, "Hold on! I'll get to that in a minute!"

"Are you still on this line Sweetie Belle?"

"Yes. Sorry, but Rarity interrupted me again."

"Gretel does that all of the time. Usually this takes place when I really don't want to be disturbed. How does she know?"

"Indeed. I never thought that we'd have THIS much in common. Well, I guess I got to put away the phone and do whatever Rarity wants me to."

"OK, goodbye."

"Goodbye."

---

Garbo stops by, saying to Gregor, "Oh, um, um, was she able to reach 'Cheery Flowers'?"

Gregor says, "Come on Garbo. We have to be in school by 35 minutes or else we'll get slapped with a Tardy Card. And we can't talk to them now. It's late at night in Ponyville."

"Gee, you're right."

---

Back home, Rarity is in bed singing the "Daisy the Flower" theme in German; at this point, Sweetie Belle comes into her room, discovers this, and shouts, "RARITY! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP! IT'S LATE!" Ultimately, she does so at the conclusion of the record.

Author's Note:

THE END

JESSE COFFEY PRODUCTIONS (UK) LIMITED

Comments

[legomaster00156]

Aw, man, I remember that episode of Arthur clearly!

[Jesse Coffey]

6335631 And we hope you remember this story clearly too!

[Mix-Tape Mare]

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...I don't even know where to begin critiquing this... whatever it is. The chapters are far too short; you can't tell who's talking to whom half the time because you almost never use dialogue tags; you describe almost nothing in terms of where the characters are, what they look like, what they're doing, or what their surroundings look like; and none of it makes a lick of sense.

(And what the hell was that massive authors note in the first chapter all about? That made even less sense than the story, if that's possible...)

[Diamond dust]

6336052 I second that, think about getting an editor,
because it looks like some wasted work here.
The chapters could be way longer if you took some time to describe everything, characters or surroundings...

example:

It is spring cleaning in Ponyville, particularly in the Carousel Boutique - though you'd guess that's based on Rarity's thirst for cleanliness.

That's totally not a good way to start.

You could have easily include the third chapter in the second one to make the situation more clear for your readers.
You're just being confusing for nothing, unless your fic is a kind of fic where "you are the hero", the reader shouldn't have to go back to chapter 2 to understand what's going on.

Oh and be a nice guy, when someone is worried about a friend, i don't think advertising your fic on the blog where he seeks advices is a good way to help him, you should go delete the comment .