Dear Princess Luna,
Miss Cherilee has started teaching us about the Elements of Harmony! My mother once told be about them, how they defended Equestria from Changelings, an evil Draconiquis (is that how you spell it? I don't know), an evil unicorn tyrant overlord, and a centaur! I have to say that it's the first time in class that I've actually been excited about something! Heck, you've probably met them. I'm envious, I've really wanted to meet them, Miss Cherilee said that all six of them live here in Ponyville! I can't believe it!
Unfortunately, my foster parents don't approve of the Elements of Harmony. The elements themselves are crystals representing an aspect of friendship, and six ponies can represent one of those elements. My foster parents don't aprove because they say that if the elements never existed, then Equestria would be a much happier place. I don't know why they say that when the Elements are the reason Equestria is so peaceful in the first place!
We have to recite the importance of each element, say what each element means in the way of friendship, and say which element we would represent ourselves. But, I don't know what element I'd represent. The six elements are loyalty, kindness, generosity, laughter, honesty, and magic. On top of that, we have to do the project in partners! I wasn't to keen on that part, mainly because I wasn't really friends with anypony in my class. What surprised me was that Interstellar stepped in and offered to be my partner. I don't know why he is so kind to me. I'm not pretty, not with my matted yellow coat and orange mane. I'm not like any of the fillies in my class. I don't know why he would take an interest in me. Glittering Gold, of course, glared at me. And Shining Silver, always following her sister's lead, did the same.
Unfortunately, now I have to try and convince my foster parents to let me out of the house to meet Interstellar to work on the project! OR try and convince them to let Interstellar come to MY house to work on it! I don't know what to do! The project is due in two weeks, so I may as well update you every other day or so. So far I've only been sending you letters every four to five days, normally on the weekends. There's not a lot going on in my life, I just like to write to you.
I hear Moon Prism coming, so I'm going to send this off quickly before she gets a hold of it.
Love,
Citrine
I found your fic on "Authors helping authors." That doesn't mean it's a review you need to pay back. You're getting this one for free.
I've no idea how to score grammar in a scale. I hate scoring art in scales anyway, so I suppose I'll just point out a few things. Firstly: you've problems with homonyms. I've noted the use of "their" instead of "they're." Look through Google on differences between those and correct them. There's an instance where a comma is spaced (like this , ) which is also a problem. Basically, I think you should look through your former chapters and review them. Or get an editor. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to help you much with this because of my own mediocre grammar, and not as much time as I'd like to have. Look through editor groups, find an editor who can do grammar well.
"Authors helping authors" says I should start with pros, and end with cons, and that I should list 3 of each. Well, this is not how I roll. I care more about the weigh of these pros and cons than their quantity. I'm starting with cons to end on a positive note.
You've a problem with characterization. I can see you're a beginning writer, so this'll come to you in time. The character you're portraying, while he or she (this hasn't been clearly stated, as it should have) is going through negative things in life, is actually quite flat. You need to focus on who your character is. What traits do they have? Do they get easily angry? Are they calm in times of danger? Or maybe they cover from their own shadow? Secondly, your characters interests. Reading a Daring Do book is somewhat little. Essentially, your character feels a bit like Snowdrop, in a way that she's going through bad things, but doesn't seem to be a real person. This is the main flaw with your story that, if fixed, can make your fic work.
Also, scenes are either slightly short, or slightly underplayed. Think of things your characters would focus on. Was it that the colt who helped them was tall? Or was it that said colt was strong in build, or that he had a certain kind of smile? Introduce description of the situation, of the characters, and the background, but don't overdo that. Focus on what you believe your characters would focus on, nothing more.
Onto the pros. I can see you're a beginning writer. For a beginning writer, this fic is quite nice. I mean, it's not like my first stories were any better than this. They were, in fact, much worse. MUCH.
I like the fact that Luna's not responding to him. While it sometimes seems like a way to add to the tragedy, to me it feels more alive. That there isn't some sort of a magical princess who can always fix your problems if you write to her. There aren't any deus ex machinas that would sort everything out on themselves.
Another good thing: the fic isn't fully a "feel bad" stuff. It isn't fully a cheap tear-jerker, we've some positive aspects of stuff. I also like the little bits of characterization, the little places where your character isn't quite thankful for what they have, when they poke at stuff for being not enough to their liking. It adds to their believability. But well, don't go overboard with that too. Your character needs to be likeable.
Overall, fic not as bad, gave you thumb up. Don't be afraid of the wall of text above, read it. Also, try reading Fahrenheit 451 for some good characterization.
Also, I second the post below. And if you do end up going through my fics, don't read the "on Hiatus" one.