I like the concept, though the way it is presented could use a bit of tidying up. Maybe have someone look it over sometime before reading it? Alternatively, there is a lovely little program called "Grammarly". It's free and provides basic grammar fixes, most of which a word processor like Microsoft Word and the like won't catch. If you have Google Chrome you can download it straight into an app for easy use. Hope it helps! Now, take my upvotes.
Can't wait for the next chapie! Poor Dagi bebe. I do hope Ari and Nata have a change of heart and be together back with Dagi. I love the Dazzlings together.
As a bit of critique, the wording in the first paragraph came off a bit rough (also misspelled Dagi's name :), but it did ease into a nice flow as the story went on. I'd also recommend a divider of some sort between scene changes (after the 2nd paragraph here, for example). I had to step back and scratch my head for a second before I realized you jumped back an hour or so with the shift to Sunset's perspective.
If you do these in a google doc before posting them, I could offer a second glance ahead of time, if that's something you're interested in .
the question that persists how did sunset get a mansion? option A A - She Misled the Old Owner by saying that it was her long-declared granddaughter (human sunset ... no matter how she and her jii-chan met) option B B - She used some kind of magic to win the lottery option C C - She used all the jewelry she brought from equestria to make more money while in the human world option D D - unknown and probably illegal method.
I like the concept, though the way it is presented could use a bit of tidying up. Maybe have someone look it over sometime before reading it? Alternatively, there is a lovely little program called "Grammarly". It's free and provides basic grammar fixes, most of which a word processor like Microsoft Word and the like won't catch. If you have Google Chrome you can download it straight into an app for easy use. Hope it helps! Now, take my upvotes.
Go on...
6682888 thank you
6682954 hoping to get the next chapter out sometime later this week.
Can't wait for the next chapie!
Poor Dagi bebe. I do hope Ari and Nata have a change of heart and be together back with Dagi. I love the Dazzlings together.
Anyho, good work! keep it up! :)
6686724 Trust me I've got big plans for those two. and thank you
6686800
You have all my trust! I really enjoyed your story. Can't wait. :)
You are very welcome!
I'ma beat Mr. Pirate to this one. Have a track and an upvote.
godlikeproductions.com/sm/custom/n/r/c2b52d1636.jpg
ALL the SunDagio. Muh battleship.
As a bit of critique, the wording in the first paragraph came off a bit rough (also misspelled Dagi's name :), but it did ease into a nice flow as the story went on. I'd also recommend a divider of some sort between scene changes (after the 2nd paragraph here, for example). I had to step back and scratch my head for a second before I realized you jumped back an hour or so with the shift to Sunset's perspective.
If you do these in a google doc before posting them, I could offer a second glance ahead of time, if that's something you're interested in .
6695146 thank you, and love your stories by the way.
I wasn't writing in Gdoc, but I like the sound of your offer so I might start.
The council of SunDazzling watches you. Seriously though I like what I see, please continue
I just started reading and already you've hooked me into continuing to read. Well done, very well done. I hope to see where this goes.
Glorious Mansion.
the question that persists
how did sunset get a mansion?
option A
A - She Misled the Old Owner by saying that it was her long-declared granddaughter (human sunset ... no matter how she and her jii-chan met)
option B
B - She used some kind of magic to win the lottery
option C
C - She used all the jewelry she brought from equestria to make more money while in the human world
option D
D - unknown and probably illegal method.
9879743
All of them.