- Member Since 12th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 20th, 2021
Recapped
It is not the darkness in the story that makes it beautiful. It is the light that rises after it reaches the dregs of despair. Hope. The realization that. while not ideal, things ended well
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I really wish Recap's story had begun there. Calling back to the source material's introduction to Littlepip. That would have been a far more intriguing opening than the background behind her conception. However, the idea behind Stable 22 is quite innovative; stuffing so many historians into one bunker results in a lifestyle that sort of explains why Recap constantly talks in literary jargon.
As far as the opening chapter goes, it is a great premise. Recap gets kicked out of the artist's stable for plagiarism: a realistic possibility. And there are hints of her personality scattered in the details and her act of plagiarism. Some of the narration falls short, because the language seems dumbed down in certain paragraphs. Recap grew up surrounded by literature and art, yet she still finds the need to say "[she] was mortified" or "[she] was elated?" Her narration could reflect her background and upbringing a little more; doing so would help make Recap seem less of an alien character.
But the narration aside, the story is written well. Do not get discouraged by the dislikes, readers, give this story a chance.
6453551
First of all, thanks for the comment!
Second, in response to the introduction "Covered in top to bottom with paintings (etc)" idea. I will have to say, I really do love that line. I wanted to use it as a call back to Fallout Equestria and only hoped it wasn't too hamfisted. I am glad it came across well. As for whether that would make a good beginning... I think you are right in that it makes a great opening bit. It is one of my favorites parts of the chapter. However, there is also this part of me that doesn't want to call back too much to the original work (at least quite that blatantly) if only because... well, essentially my concern was that it would come across less like paying tribute and more like me copying Kkat. I think I was worried others might critique the story due to its similarity. That said, I will definitely think on it. The story is far from finished.
And third, in regards to the bit on Recap's language seeming dumbed down, I am afraid that is my own limitations coming out there. Me and Recap share a similarity in regards the history side of things (having a BA in history) which gives me some insight into that side of her and, like her, I love reading and stories. However, her experience would have been far more in depth than my own in regards to literary training and understanding. I love stories but writing them, disseminating them, and otherwise using the language one might find in such circles is all something I am stilling working on. I try but... enthusiasm does not equal experience.
Lastly, if you have the chance/desire to respond, I did want to ask one thing. You said "Recap grew up surrounded by literature and art, yet she still finds the need to say "[she] was mortified" or "[she] was elated?" Her narration could reflect her background and upbringing a little more; doing so would help make Recap seem less of an alien character."
I wanted to ask what you meant about words like "mortified" and "elated" resulting in her seeming alien. Are the words just odd/uncommonly used resulting in giving off that feeling? I was curious and hoped to be able to learn from it. Hopefully, once I find someone willing to edit, this will occur less frequently. Again, thanks so much for your comment and endorsement!
P.S. I added the word "art" to "work of...". Not sure where that word got to X_X
6458980 Words such as "mortified" and "elated" are fine on their own. They work better, however, in a third-person narrative, when the readers are not in the character's head. Then, statements like "she was mortified" do little to harm the story.
But when I read those statements in this chapter, I was taken out of the story for a moment. It seemed then that Recap was just telling her emotions to the DJ, when a character like her would rather show those emotions. Well, that is just my interpretation, anyway.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6542312
Oh wow, thanks! I have not advertised anywhere yet (working on a special project that will sort of give everyone an idea of the story and just be a fun little project). I was going to announce things when that was finished. That said, thanks so much! That is most kind! Also, I will announce on here when the project is complete :-D
Have a great day! And I am just blown away that you would advertise my book.
6545684 if you have a facebook, PLEASE consider joining the group. you can self advertise all you want there, it's what the group was made for. so PLEASE consider joining us, it'd help me because otherwise I'll be monitoring your story and having to release updates on every new chapter you write. XD so you being there to offer said updates yourself would help my load, because I'm doing it for a lot of books right now. :)
6545712
Yeah sure. Will do. You just want me to post on there when I do new chapters? I can easily do that. Just takes a bit of scrolling :-) I submitted a "can I join" dealio. I will keep track. Plus, a chance to talk with others about my story and others sounds like fun. Thank you so much! Any plans on how you are going to maintain all of the stories in the future? Only because that is a lot of stories X_X
6545876 just follow them personally myself and post about it whenever individual stories have any updates. ^-^; It's the best I can do, unless authors like yourself get on there and do your stories for me so I don't have to. :) Also, feel free to talk about anything foe related on the forum, and advertise other peoples works as well as your own. :) Or just generally talk about foe in general. ^^ I've added you to the place now.
She gets kicked out of the stable for plagiarism? I'm surprised she wouldn't be kicked out of the stable for that egregious text dump at the beginning of the story. While it is interesting to have the idea of a stable full of historians and story loving ponies, it seems like they entirely failed in getting any of the editing genes because there are a lot of syntax errors. Missing punctuation around subordinate clauses, lack of ellipsis when they need them, ponies saying "Me and my mother," in a literary stable no less! Some editing could do nicely for this story.
While I sound harsh, I want to say that I see potential. When the real narration started (i.e. the "The multicolored walls stared back at me. Covered from top to bottom in paintings and various depictions of stories and historical events." part), your story started to do nice things. I would really implore you to try to sneak the giant informative section at the beginning, the one about the history of the stable and the protagonist, into the narrative as it happens. It would make it less obtrusive and would add some flavor to enhance why the Recall feels so strongly about the things she cares about. I think it would really help your story out.
Also, I like the humorous narrative bits you use. I too am writing a side story with a lot of humor in it, so it is good to see some people who are doing the same. There are too few of us, and sometimes I feel we need to stick together.
6637287
Thanks for the comment! I was actually going to go back and edit that first bit of the chapter. I talked with others I knew after getting some critique regarding it and it is my plan to go back and edit that section, move some things around, etc. Will do that after I finish editing chapter 4. As for punctuation etc, sorry. I have mostly done academic writing and writing literature has proved to be quite different. I am looking for an editor.
Interestingly enough, her writing style is probably a result of the fact that the stable is just as much a historically focused stable that had literature grow into it the culture; happens when everyone got bored of recording the history of only 200 or so ponies for years on end (just imagined 200 historians all following each other around in some sort of infinite circle of historical record). So yes, she has been trained in literature but she has also been trained more academically (which, for good or ill, is more my training. Yay history degree which I will never use). Stories are something I have been practicing and learning myself.
I am glad you like the humor. I love a good story with mystery, serious character arcs, etc but I find when I write I just cannot help but insert some humor in there. Humor is just one of those things I love about stories. Also, I will need to check out what you are writing sometime. (looks at his row of unread books and other stories that need to be explored). It will happen eventually XD What is it about?
Lastly, as for the story of what happens to Recap post plagiarism, I recommend you read on ;-)
6637521
I had some suspicions about this. It is a nice touch from a creative side of things.
Joker's Wild is a love story to the style of the old fallout games and the wasteland itself. It takes place 50 years before the original, and one of the critical anomalies in the narrative is the organization of raiders. Something is pulling them all together from all over the wasteland, under the concept of taking back a world that has been denied them. The protagonist, Tumbleweed, is a Caravan Trailblazer for the Glory Road company, meaning he has been hired to travel to towns all over the wasteland and organize trade deals and caravan routes on behalf of this company. Tumbleweed meets a strange zebra with a penchant for justice, who ends up heading into a town that seems to be a gathering place of all sorts of raiders. That gathering place is Ponyville, and little do they know... that little decrepit town is a place where great misfortunes and disasters always seem to happen. Its a story about unfortunate fates, defying fate, personal freedom in a world without laws, geo-political economy, crazy and unorthodox events that go beyond belief, human nature and how you deal with it, and living in a broken world while loving every minute of it. It's about smart ponies doing stupid, irresponsible things in the most interesting and intelligent ways possible. Anyway, that is the pitch, without too many spoilers.
I've reached the point where I struggle to find the point where comedy transitions into dramatics. Everything can be comedy, and comedy is at it's most intense when it is absolutely serious. Stories that try to make everything serious while avoiding anything comedic tend to be boring for me, and rather unbelievable. We live in a funny world where all sorts of backwards stuff happens. Nobody can escape humor.
Good! I like that our protagonist is quick to get up after public humiliation. And the fact that she can turn the negative publicity around as attention never given is a neat consistency in her character. Probably the biggest advantage this chapter had over the last one is how much more of the character shows in the narration, sounding more and more like a genuine chat. Recap makes for an entertaining narrator when her personality is allowed to dictate the story.
I can see the motivation for Recap's leaving, but it seems a tad impulsive and peculiar. I can forgive the impulsivity, because this was the same character desperate enough to think plagiarizing the most convenient book she found was a good idea. However, the fact that a stable dweller would willingly leave her stable simply out of a vague plan for redemption, possibly giving up the only life she has known, is not as forgivable. I get that Littlepip did the same thing, but her motivation was driven also by naivety, lust, and a hatred for her treatment in the stable.
However, I suppose a life spent failing to meet expectations does plant such desperate thoughts within Recap. Yet maybe the choice to leave the stable should have been given a little more deliberation, because as it is, the choice comes way too quickly and way too easily.
But I have been enjoying the story and been able to care for the main character, and for that reason, I look forward to the next chapter!
6709647
Ooh, glad you liked it. I would agree that I definitely hit my stride more as time went on (though I do plan on going back revising that first chapter. Hopefully will find time for that and chapter 4 during the holidays).
In regards to why Recap left, I can see what you mean there. I do hope that as time goes on her reasons (good, bad, and imagined) become more more understandable. At least I hope so since I tend to try and write like method actors try to act (it's what playing a lot tabletop games will do to you :-p ). That said, the entire circumstance behind her reasoning is strange since we don't exactly hold academic contributions as the single measure by which every part of our worth is measured. Funny how I originally imagined Stable 22 as a wonderful place to live. I mean it isn't terrible but that single minded focus would be pretty terrible for anyone who doesn't like reading or writing.
Oh! Question: Is this the second chapter you read? Or did you read the second and the third? And thanks for reading :-D
6710452 I have read the second and third chapters, yes. However, I could not think of enough to talk about that could warrant another comment on the third one. I would likely say the same positives as I had on the second one.
lol, I'll try reading it. I like that you still have my cover :3