- Member Since 3rd Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 30th, 2015
HPOD
I am a new writer, i feel like making short stories will improve me so much. I also want to read a lot of fanfics, funny thing is that the only one i read before is Fallout:Equestria
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it seems decent although you should fix some of the stuff.
6263280 Could you please be a tad bit more specific on what i should fix? That was a bit to broad to help me much on what i am messing up
6266479 ummmm let's see... I can help you out... Ok so you need to fix 1st paragraph you put in " Ashley was called" it should be "Ashely got a call from the research division, Why?" the 3rd line There where far more than that should be heading. It should be "They were" far more than that "they are" heading to the research division in her place, when it comes down to science she was the last person that would be called to a lab.
2nd paragraph regardless she walk threw... it should be regardless she walk "through" Hows your science-y mumbojumbo. It should be "mumbo-jumbo" must have the dash. been goin'!? a lot of people may know goin' but it's better if you just say "going"
3rd paragraph passable it should be "possible" at end of the 3rd paragraph put a dash between strange looking it should be "strange-looking."
4th paragraph to be is the worse possible passive voice error that many beginners in grammar wise you should use something els. just take out the to be at the part
of above that it also is apparently ok for beings like us to be on the surface without issues unlike also with out should be "without" ....
7th paragraph 2 i's needs to be capitalized
7th end phase as in the end between the 7th and 8th is too much enter
8th Paragraph 1 i needs to be capitalized
9th paragraph Once the ship was done ... it should be "Once the ship got done" ....
9th paragraph 2nd line this was a planet that has the ability to inhabit living creatures meaning that this place could be filled with death and destruction and not sunshine and rainbows. has the ability ... should be " got their ability to inhabit....
death and destruction this what it should be "death, destruction" and not sunshine and rainbows.
9th paragraph the 9th line ... As a ranger Ashley was allowed to get her own ship, upgrade it with what she wants in reason and a custom made primary weapon, with her armor and her weapon ready she started firing at the targets she set up
As a ranger Ashley was allowed to get her own ship ... Ashley gets on her very own spaceship, upgrade....
10th paragraph basicly that should be "basically" ....
11th paragraph to much it should be "too much"
6266479 there is more lets process this first...
6267330 Well this is a lot to read and fix. It will help quite a bit and if you do have more then please do say, constructive criticism always helps
6268503 it's not a high criticism it's something to make your book more readable.
6268503 the end of paragraph 2,3,4,5,6,7,9,10 you forgot periods at the end of the sentence.
Paragraph 12. months should be a lower case m.
Paragraph 13 instead of Twilight sighed... you should of put "Twilight was getting annoyed and depressed, why"
2nd line spike has been bothering day after day..... it should be "Spike been bothering twilight day after day"....
still 2nd line instead of he has been reading.... It should be "he's been reading."
still 5th line all these aliens and-- it should be "all these aliens and monsters."
At the end of the paragraph put a period.
paragraph 14 looks good
paragraph 15 however .... It doesn't need to make seance, its a comic!" it needs to be "It doesn't need to make sense, it's a comic."
2nd line ... star gazing, after all tonight there should be a meteor shower.... "it's post to be star-gazing, after all tonight there's a meteor shower"...
paragraph 16 It should be really soon!" it should be " It's happening really soon!"
paragraph 17 you forgot a period.
between paragraph 17 and 18 hit the backspace 2 times.
i'll do paragraph 18 and 19 later... this should help u fix the top part of this book so far i will return... for the paragraph 18 and 19
6268998 Well when ever you are ready to do anymore please do, you have been helping me quite a bit so thanks for that!
Hey it's comment guy from before and I see my job has been stolen! Oh well he knows a lot more about writing than I do, and he also is pointing out things I'd glaze over so that's good. Before I forget I'm glad to see you writing another story and I hope you will enjoy writing it.
6269475 LOL you mean she lol
6269504
I am sincerely sorry about that.
6269509 LOL we should enjoy this book while it's getting fixed by a rookie editor.
6269516 Rookie editor? If your the one editing then I'd hardly call you a rookie, but that might be because most editors edit before the chapter release so I wouldn't know what they look for. If your talking about the author editing here well it's good to see someone giving him pointers since I am terrible at it.
6269525 A lot of books on FIM Fiction have passive voice errors so those are the hard ones to see and to make it more better however is the most tricky part.
6269525 Hey One! technically your job didn't get stolen , after all you mostly gave how you felt about the chapter its self and what you thought about the what happens inside of it and Rye is foucesing more on the grammar and errors
6270026 True, well I guess that i haven't done my job yet so I will re-read this chapter real quick and give my thoughts.
Edit: I am back with my thoughts so lets begin. From what is going on I am guessing that these guys are going to be stranded on equestria due to damage to their ship. Also the little bit we see of Twilight and pinkie we learn of a shower now that could be one of two things, either they are going to a baby shower or something a little less child friendly. Also I see you are trying third person over first which can be very entertaining with plot twists or advancing the plot in general. Finally they are in space in general trying to get to a hospitibal planet so this might not bode well for the ponies. Ramble ramble ramble.
Ok so the 18th paragraph line 1 it looked quite a bit like earth but then again it WAS a world that had the ability to inhabit carbon based creatures like humans. It should be .... "it looked a bit like earth." But then again it "was" a world that "has a unique ability"...
2nd line But there was a slight issue. It should be ... But "their" was a slight issue.
6th line with a space suit over it in case the hull broke to much, it should be ... with a space suit over it "for when" the hull broke "too much"......
same line
the others did the same as they all grabbed there weapons.... all grabbed "their" weapons....
7th line closer the the planet the ship started to heat up from speed. it should be "line closer the planet"
between paragraph 18 and 19 backspace 3 times
This chapter has been fixed.
6269548 Wait really? I never notice them, but that might be because I make the same mistakes. I'm going to shut up now before I begin to ramble again, nice talking with you by the way.
6270812 nahhh it's alright
6271323 You realize that giving me free rein to ramble might be a horrible mistake. Just ask HPOD here.
6271450 naahh just reading his book 10 more times to make up for that + fixing it lol..... Ok so i read this book like 10 to 13 more times and so far it's a 8 to 10/10 Star book after fixing it.