First Contact
Roseluck was sitting next to her stall in the middle of Ponyville market. She had just started her lunch break and was enjoying her daisy sandwich when a loud boom sounded from the direction of the Everfree forest. The boom was followed by a gale that brought dust and debris flying with it. Windows shattered and stalls that were less secure than Roseluck’s were ripped apart by the wind. There was another boom accompanied by an earthquake that made Roseluck dive under the wooden counter of her little stall.
When she finally dared to crawl out of her hiding space, the first thing Roseluck noticed was the darkness. She wondered how it could be this dark when it was barely noon, so she craned her neck to look towards the Everfree. What she saw there made her jaw drop. All around her, ponies had stopped panicking and were slowly realizing why the sun was nowhere to be seen. Out of the corner of her eye, Roseluck saw Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends run towards the forest.
Above the Everfree Forest was a tear in the sky that looked like reality itself had been ripped open. Roseluck looked away from it because of the splitting headache she got when she looked at it for more than a second. Underneath the hole in the middle of the forest was a creature that easily dwarfed the trees around it. It was crouched down and sitting almost like a frog with its arms resting on its knees. The creature’s skin was gray and covered in symmetric patterns with a glowing orb in the center of its chest. Its head was devoid of any features apart from six glowing eyes that were arranged in two columns of three in the center.
Where had this thing come from? It looked like a statue quietly contemplating something. Slowly, curiosity won over fear and the ponies - including Roseluck - came out of their hiding spots. They all stared in wonder at the gray behemoth when suddenly its head turned. It looked like a shudder went through the creature and it seemed to tense up.
The giant creature stood up slowly. When it reached its full height, Roseluck realized that it was easily the height of Canterlot mountain and they were in its shadow. The creature lifted its left leg and Roseluck could barely make out boulders and whole trees raining down to the ground. Then it took a step forward. They all knew it was coming towards Ponyville, yet nopony was able to move. Another step and it was at the outskirts of the town where it stopped still looking straight ahead.
The first to reach the edge of town facing towards the creature were Rainbow Dash and Applejack followed closely by Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Equestria’s newest princess was lagging a bit behind. She probably didn’t get that much exercise after all. When she stepped out from between the buildings, however, the creature’s gaze shot down and its eyes seemed to lock on to her. Rainbow Dash flew up to hover in front of its face, but it payed her no mind.
The creature’s gaze was still on Twilight Sparkle when it grabbed its right arm with its left hand and gave it a sharp twist before pulling on it. Its gray skin was pulled away to reveal another layer of brownish pink underneath. When the gray layer was removed, the creature crouched down into its frog-like stance again. Everypony backed away, when it stretched out its right arm towards Twilight Sparkle and turned up the palm of its hand.
Twilight seemed to think for a moment before she started approaching the creature. Her path was blocked by Applejack who was probably trying to talk her friend out of doing something reckless. Twilight however took to the air and flew over Applejack to land on the giant creature’s palm. It brought its hand closer to its face, which made Twilight fall on her backside from the sudden acceleration. When the movement stopped, she stood back up and dusted herself off. Before she could say anything, they heard the giant’s voice. The giant wasn’t speaking, but they all heard its booming voice in their minds: “This world is suitable. We will return.”
With that the creature vanished in a myriad of particles of dust and light like leaves in the wind...
Twilight Sparkle had reported to Princess Celestia immediately after the creature’s appearance and now, three weeks later, she was sitting in another meeting with all of the princesses and their military leaders. They were all worried by the appearance of the gray giant. Prime amongst their worries were its intentions and its apparent power. That it wasn’t alone did not ease their minds either. The populace was also scared and everypony who had witnessed the giant’s appearance kept glancing to the spot in the sky where the tear had been.
They were all currently listening to the assessment of General Bright Lance when a young guard burst through the doors of the conference room.
“It’s back! The hole in the sky...it’s back”, the guard yelled breathlessly.
Twilight gasped and charged her magic. A second later she was standing in the royal gardens and looked up at the sky. The hole was definitely back and she had to avert her eyes to stop the approaching headache. Princesses Celestia, Luna and Cadence touched down next to Twilight having glided down from a nearby balcony. They were soon joined by the remaining members of their meeting. The old generals were breathing heavily from having to run all the way to the gardens.
A sound of rushing wind made Twilight Sparkle look up just in time to avoid a massive metal rod that slammed into the ground close to where she had been standing. When the group heard the sound again, they backed further away and watched in awe as another three rods came down forming a perfect square with the first. They could make out a large block of metal that came crashing down in the center of the square. The four rods started charging up with energy and shot a beam at the block in the center and its front started to glow white.
When all their eyes had adjusted to the brightness, they saw a miniature version of the gray giant step out of the block. It was still considerably taller than any of the princesses and this time it was holding a black stick or club in its hands that looked almost like the muskets the griffons sometimes used. As soon as it stepped out of the block, it turned to the right and walked to the far right rod with a hunched posture.
Before any of them could say anything, another stepped out of the glowing block and another and another until there was a giant standing at every rod.
“They are guarding the rods”, Twilight thought.
Another giant stepped out of the light and it was clearly different from the other four. It was still covered in the same gray with the same glowing orb in its chest, but instead of the helmet with the glowing eyes its head was bare. It had small beady eyes with a long nose in the middle of its face and ears on the sides of its head. Only the top of its head was covered in grayish hair.
When it saw the group, it walked towards them and came to a stop in front of the ones guarding the front rods. A smile spread across its face when it recognized Twilight Sparkle and it grabbed its right arm with its left hand removing its glove. It held out its gloveless hand towards the purple princess and spoke, “It is nice to meet you again.”
Twilight looked to the other princesses and then nervously walked towards the creature. With a smile she put her hoof into its hand and they shook.
“It is nice to meet you, too.”
“Billions?!”, Celestia exclaimed back in the meeting room. “Colonel, all the nations of our world combined do not have the resources to sustain that many of your people!”
“And what I am trying to tell you, Princess”, Colonel Hawthorne said leaning over the large table they were all sitting around, “is that we don’t need your resources or that much of your land for that matter. All that we ask for is half of that forest below the rift for the next 150 years.”
“What exactly are you planning to do there?”, Princess Luna asked. “Even with all the best space compression spells you won’t be able to fit all your people in there and even if you have stockpiles, those will eventually run out.”
The Colonel let out a little chuckle and playfully ran a hand over the cover of the folder that was in front of him on the table. “Humanity has long outgrown the planet it was born on. Hell, we’ve lived among the stars for such a long time that our sun burned out ages ago.”
The Princesses gasped at that, but Colonel Hawthorne waved his hand and continued: “Nothing all that shocking about it. We found millions of new homes out there and a lot of new friends, but there comes a point when the whole universe goes. That is why we’re asking for a place in yours. We have all the resources and workers of millions of planets, but we need a place to start anew.”
“To answer your question”, the Colonel said with a look to Princess Luna, “we are going to clear that forest and build a base there. Basically, it will be our launchpad to the stars. From there we’ll be able to build anything we need, really: housing, agriculture, industry. When the first few projects are completed, we’ll start ferrying people over. Hell, you probably won’t even notice we’re there.”
All four Princesses looked at each other while Hawthorne opened the folder in front of him.
“Now”, he spoke up again and the ponies in the conference room looked back to him, “I understand that it is a lot to ask, but of course we do not expect you to give us this land for free. I am authorized to offer you all our non-critical knowledge in the fields of mathematics, physics and medicine. In the latter, this includes medical procedures, the manufacture of necessary devices as well as training provided by our best doctors.”
Twilight’s eyes gained even more sparkle at the prospect of new things to learn. Cadence nudged Twilight and leaned over to whisper into her ear: “You’re drooling, dear.”
At the same time a frown appeared on Celestia’s face as she asked: “ And what does non-critical mean in this context? That seems like a rather blatant loophole.”
“A smart politician, I see. That’s definitely a rare sight.”
A ghost of a smirk appeared on the Colonel’s face before his expression turned grim and he continued: “It basically means ‘nothing that can be weaponized’. We have weapons that can vaporize entire planets and solar systems.”
Celestia’s frown grew.
“Don’t get me wrong, that is not a threat, it’s merely a statement of fact and if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that those weapons come with a responsibility. Can you even fathom that? A flick of a switch, a flash of light and a planet with millions of souls is gone. We made that mistake once.”
Cadence and Twilight, who had just now returned their attention to the Colonel, gasped at that. Celestia’s face on the other hand softened as she saw the human look down at his folder with a sad expression.
“I’ve read the reports. It was a planet similar to this one with multiple nations. First contact went great and we started sharing our knowledge. We were a naive race back then, happy with every new friend we made.”
A smile appeared on Twilight’s muzzle at that.
“It was an innocent mistake really. All we gave them was a new way to harness energy. Clean energy to power lights and heat homes, but they saw its potential. Before we knew it, they had weaponized it and conflicts that stayed dormant thanks to a balance of power reignited. In the end, the planet burned so hot, it turned the ground to glass and poisoned the air. We don’t even remember what their race was called”, Colonel Hawthorne looked up with a determined expression on his face, “all we know is to never repeat that mistake.”
He looked over to the Princesses and knew from their expressions, that they understood.
“That’s what non-critical means.”
The meeting had stretched far into the evening. Colonel Hawthorne had been given a guest room in the castle and now the four Princesses of Equestria were sitting in a small room each on their own couch with a teapot and a cup filled with steaming liquid in front of them. Princess Celestia took a sip from her cup and let out a long sigh.
“This is going to be a difficult decision”, Cadence finally broke the silence.
“Uhm… I know, I’m the youngest here, but how? Their entire universe will be destroyed and we’re in a position to save billions and make new friends in the progress!”, Twilight answered excitedly.
“They could be lying”, Luna remarked.
Twilight was about to rebuke the lunar princess when Celestia spoke up: “They could very well be lying, but to be honest the Colonel strikes me as an earnest person. We also shouldn’t forget that from what we have seen and what he has told us of their technology, they could easily take what they want by force.”
Luna looked to the ground.
“That is true. I’m afraid to think what would happen, if they decided to attack not through their portal, but as giants through the rift.”
“How about this then”, Cadence interjected, “why don’t we send a representative through their portal? That way we could see for ourselves what kind of civilization we’re letting into our borders.”
“I agree, that is an excellent idea.”, Celestia said.
“Then I nominate Twilight.”
“Seconded”, Luna chimed in.
Celestia looked to the other princesses and nodded. “It is decided then.”
Twilight let out a squee that would make any squeaky toy proud.
Princess Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath and looked up to Colonel Hawthorne. They were standing in front of the metal block in the royal gardens. The Colonel looked back at her with a smile on his face.
“There’s nothing to be nervous about. Walking through the portal tingles a bit, but that’s about it. Your guide is ready and waiting on the other side. I assume you have read the schedule for your tour?”
Twilight smiled.
“Yes, I’ve got it memorized and I triple-checked my checklist. I’m as ready as it gets!”
“Well, let’s go then.”
With that the Colonel stepped through the portal. Twilight looked around the royal gardens one last time before she took a deep breath and followed. A cold sensation traveled along her body as she passed through the gate. It did not feel like stepping through a regular door, but rather like there was an extra step between entrance and exit.
During that extra step images flashed before Twilight’s inner eye. There was a city with a bright sun in the sky. The sun got brighter and brighter as she felt it singe her fur. From the white light a tree emerged. Instead of leaves Twilight saw stars and galaxies in its branches.She was standing in a deep canyon, its walls lined with hooded figures that were as tall as the first gray giant that had stepped into Equestria. One of them lifted its hood to reveal a skull where its head should be.
“This universe will be ours soon.”
Twilight stumbled out of the portal with her head spinning as she stepped away from the metal block. The fur on her back was standing up and chills were running down her spine. She forced her breathing to calm down and looked around. Twilight saw that the room they were in was completely made of metal and that there were several human guards stationed around the portal. Hawthorne was standing near the doorway talking to another bipedal creature that definitely wasn’t human. As she approached the pair, she noticed that while the creature was of a similar build to the Colonel, it was entirely covered in orange scales. There was a pair of large feathered wings on its back and when it turned towards her with a smile, Twilight could see that its muzzle was filled with sharp teeth.
The Colonel turned to look at Twilight, noting her dishevelled mane.
“Breaking the barrier between universes is quite something, isn’t it?”
“Indeed”, Twilight gulped.
“Greetings”, the creature next to Colonel Hawthorne spoke. “I am Aruna and I’ll be your guide today.”
Aruna held out her right claw and Twilight took it with her hoof. During their claw/hoofshake, Twilight finally got her breathing back to normal.
“I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, but my friends call me Twilight. I’m sorry, but I have to ask since I have only met the Colonel so far: What are you?”
“Well”, the Colonel broke in, “that’s my cue to leave. Now, remember Twilight, that this tour is only guided loosely. If you want to deviate from it, just say the word to Aruna here. Have fun, you two.”
With that Hawthorne waved at the two of them and left the room through the door they were standing in front of. Aruna looked at a small device on her wrist and then returned her gaze to Twilight.
“We should probably get going, too. I’ll answer all your questions while we walk.”
Twilight nodded and the two of them walked through the door and followed the corridor to the right.
“To answer your question”, Aruna started to say after a few steps, “I’m a suryan. My race was born on the planet vasudhA a long time ago. Now we live among the stars just like the humans and so many other races.”
“How many races are out there?”
“Last count was 283, I think.”
“And you all live and work together?”
“Well, we realized pretty fast that surviving the end of everything isn’t something a single race can accomplish alone.”
They continued along the corridor with Twilight looking around in awe at the windows that started to dot the right wall.
“You know-”, Aruna started to say, but realized Twilight was not following her anymore. When she turned around, the lavender princess was staring out of a window. She walked back and came to a stop next to the awestruck Twilight.
“It used to be even more beautiful, if the archival footage in our records is anything to go by. I can show you, if you want.”
“I’d love to see it”, Twilight answered excitedly.
Aruna tapped the device on her wrist a few times. Then she removed it and placed it on the sill beneath the viewport. With another button press a holographic overlay appeared in front of the window.
“Here is what it used to look like a million years ago.”
Twilight’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. Where there had been a few stars before, the image was now littered with sparkling dots of light. Bright and colorful nebulae were taking up the background. It looked like an artist had spilled all his paints across the sky. Twilight managed to tear her gaze from the window and looked up at Aruna, who was still looking at the hologram.
“This...this is amazing! Seeing the stars from here is already breathtaking and being able to see into the past like this... I wish Princess Luna could see this!”
Aruna looked down to the excited mare next to her and with a big grin she could only nod.
Aruna had led Twilight around the installation for quite some time. They had talked about the histories of their respective nations and visited the hydroponics garden. Even a small shopping trip and a visit to the local library had been arranged. As they came to an intersection in the corridor they were currently walking down, Twilight heard a commotion coming from their left.
“What’s down there?”, she asked.
“Oh, that leads down to the market.”
Twilight perked up at that, her thought drifting to the small market in the center of Ponyville.
“Would it be alright, if we gave it a look?”
Aruna hesitated for a second, but then nodded.
“Sure, why not? I have to warn you, though, it’s a bit more rowdy than the shopping district we went to earlier.”
“Don’t worry, I’m used to the markets back home. Ponies can be surprisingly pushy when there’s a great deal to be had.”
They entered the left corridor and followed it until it opened up into a large plaza with market stalls strewn about. A steady stream of people was walking along the stalls browsing the wares. Merchants were yelling their prices trying to catch the attention of the shoppers.
In the crowd Twilight saw humans, suryans, creatures that looked like giant frogs and many more. The purple mare had no idea where to begin taking it all in. Should she start browsing the stalls? Gazing at the crowd? Was there a specific ritual to it all? Would she offend anyone, if she did something wrong? Lost in her thoughts, Twilight hadn’t even noticed that she had followed Aruna and they were already in the middle of a throng of people.
The two of them turned a corner and passed by an alleyway. Twilight looked up when she felt something bump into her side. Before she could even react, Aruna’s hand shot out, grabbed a small cloaked figure and slammed it into the nearest wall. She held the figure up by the collar of its cloak and put out her right hand.
“You should return what isn’t yours.”
“Wait, wait! Please don’t eat me, I’ll give it back!”, the figure yelled with a high pitched voice. It reached under its cloak and put a small purse into Aruna’s waiting hand. As it did, the hood of the cloak fell back to reveal a young boy. Twilight approached curiously.
“What’s going on?”, she asked.
“Well, here’s your purse back.” Aruna threw the small bag to Twilight, who caught it in her magic. She took a look at it and her eyes widened. “Why?”, she asked looking back to the boy. “Why did you try to steal from us? You’re barely old enough to be out here by yourself!”
“Hey, I am plenty old enough!”, the boy said. When Aruna bared her teeth, he gulped audibly.
“I’m sorry, it’s just...my brother, he’s sick and we don’t have any money for the doctors anymore.”
Twilight let out a sigh and her face softened when she saw that the boy was close to crying.
“Where is your brother?”, the purple mare asked. “Maybe there is something we can do.”
“Are you sure, Twilight? I can just call a guard and this will be taken care of.”
The boy looked scared, but before he could say anything, Twilight answered: “It’s not a problem, we’ll just take a look real quick.”
Then she turned to the boy.
“What’s your name, by the way?”
“Oh...uhm…”, he stuttered as Aruna let go of him. “It’s Caelum.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Caelum. My name is Twilight Sparkle, but my friends call me Twilight. If you want, we can go take a look at your brother now, so lead the way.”
Caelum nodded and entered the alleyway they had passed before. After a bit of walking they stood in front of a small hut. It was assembled out of metal sheets that were loosely tied together. When Caelum moved one of the metal sheets to the side to enter, Aruna and Twilight gave each other a look before they entered.
Inside was only a dim lantern for light. In the corner of the hut were two mattresses on the ground. One was empty and on the other one was a boy that looked only a few years older than Caelum. He was buried under a lot of blankets, yet it was still clear he was freezing underneath. Caelum went up to his older brother and took his hand. Twilight approached the two and sat down next to them.
“Is it ok, if I take a look?”
Caelum nodded. Twilight ignited her magic and immediately Caelum’s brother was surrounded by the same purple glow. After a few minutes she scrunched up her face in concentration and the light around her horn started getting brighter and brighter. With a flash, the light disappeared. The purple princess let out a few breaths; the magic had taken a lot out of her. She then got to her hooves and turned to Caelum with a smile.
“Your brother caught a nasty infection there, but I think I got it all. He should be fine in a week’s time.”
“What? Really?!”, Caelum jumped up excitedly. Twilight nodded. Before the mare could do anything, Caelum had tackled her in a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”, he repeated over and over and Caelum’s brother chose this moment to stir under his blankets. The young boy let go of Twilight to run to his brother’s side. Twilight on the other hand turned to Aruna, who was still standing in the doorway of the hut.
“I think it’s time we left these two alone”, she said and walked past the suryan and through the door.
Outside Aruna piped up from behind Twilight: “You know, I’ve read the reports, but seeing it in person is something else entirely.”
The pony gave Aruna a smile.
“If you don’t mind, would it be alright, if we returned to the portal? That spell took a lot out of me and I just want to fall into my bed right about now.”
“Sure, follow me!”
4000 years later...
Princess Twilight Sparkle was standing in front of the door of her new student. She had knocked a few times already and was getting annoyed. She knocked again.
“Come on, Flighty Dream, we’re going to miss the shuttle.”
“I’ll be right out!”, came a muffled voice from the other side. When the door finally opened, a young earth pony filly stumbled out and landed on her muzzle. She got to her hooves and rubbed her nose. Her cyan coat was still shimmering slightly from the dampness of her recent shower and her dark blue mane was unkempt as always. Twilight draped a wing over the little filly and ushered her towards the exit.
“How is my student always late?”, she muttered as they walked.
“I’m sorry, Princess! I was just so excited!”
“That’s right, this your first time leaving Hawthorne station, isn’t it?”
“Yes and you still haven’t told me where we’re going? Are we going to see the rings of Aerilon? Is it going to be the seas of Picon? Which is it?”
Twilight couldn’t help but smile at the excited little filly.
“It’s none of those places.”
“Aaaw”, the filly deflated a bit.
“We’re going to visit my favorite place.”
A beaming smile was back on Flighty Dream’s face.
“Really? Where are we going to go?”
“To Equestria, my faithful student. To the birthplace of ponykind.”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Shocks · 9.5k words · 492 45 · 9.8k views
- -Singleton- · 24k words · 282 16 · 6.8k views
- ScrambledCrackers · 27k words · 1,040 62 · 13k views
- midashguy · 1.1k words · 1,032 38 · 16k views
- little big pony · 3.1k words · 559 15 · 8.3k views
- Arkolo · 14k words · 65 3 · 1.6k views
- A-hardie · 20k words · 515 18 · 8.9k views
- RustPony · 18k words · 1,448 44 · 20k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.27 seconds
Total duration
894 users online
38,581 hits today, 2,107,360 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
this was fun
Much potential for world building if you decide to come back to it, but it stands alone just fine as a one shot. Nice job!
6207606
Thanks
6207647
Thanks, yeah, there are multiple ways one could expand on this. A political thriller, a societal study or an adventure story set after this one.
You know, I usually avoid HiE fics like the actual plague, but I figured this one wasn't so long and it actually surprised me. I was kinda thinking that it'd seem unrealistic if the descision to cede territory to a foreign space race would be determined solely on Twilight's tour with Aruna, but the way you cut it off at the end there before the 4000-years-later part implied that there must've been more — clever. The ending had a nice little touch.
Hmmm, you ask for critique, well ok I guess. I like it but I'm not really sure.
We're presented with something initially that is truly enigmatic but before long we've met Colonel Hawthorne, an apparently regular old human. If they're escaping the heat death of their universe then we're talking about a vast span of time and the consequent change humans would undoubtedly undergo over such a long period, which would be consistent with the huge unknowable being at the start...but then...we're given a regular human.
Also, concerning Twilights visions passing through the portal, the following
seemed portentious but doesn't go anywhere and Twilight doesn't ask about it, you'd think she would be a little curious. Whilst she helped the sick boy she has no curiosity about a medical system that apparently ignores the poor. Then we're 4000 years later and the story ends.
I'm not really comfortable criticizing someones work here, so I hope you will take this as just what I got from the story. I certainly wouldn't thumb it down or anything like that, but I can't really thumb it up either.
Was this perhaps going to be something larger that didn't come about or do you have plans for it?
Does the first part of the story and the part 4000 years later 'bookend' some unwritten part?
(edited for spelling, sorry).
Not bad.
I like this.
"Are we going to see the rings of Aerilon? Is it going to be the seas of Picon?"
This is the only thing I can think of.
Progress reports arriving. The farms of Aerolon are burning. The beaches of Canceron are burning. The plains of Leonis are burning. The jungles of Scorpia are burning. The pastures of Tauron are burning. The harbors of Picon are burning. The cities of Caprica are burning. The oceans of Aquaria are burning. The courthouses of Libran are burning. The forests of Virgon are burning. The Colonies of Man lie trampled at our feet.
Short and sweet. Jumps around a bit, but it works. My one complaint is that the Colonel has grey hair. I can see that most people wouldn't want their bodies altered too drastically, but at this point, humans should have the technology to genetically halt the aging process.
I WAAAANNNNNTTTTTT MMMMMOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEE
6208169
You could probably write an entire story of political intrigue and whatnot just about the part you're referencing. You bet, a lot of stuff went down in those 4000 years
6208192
First of all, thanks for the critique! I did ask for it, so no worries there. I'm going to cherry pick your points a bit, if that's alright
He looks like how we think a human looks like. Then again, he might be thousands of years old and humanity might be a cluster of T-1000s, so who knows
You're right, this is more world building than story in places and I'm totally cheating with letting the reader do all the work and fill in the blanks. As for your specific example, in-universe Twilight's exhausted after her spell. Out-of-universe I wanted to get this story out there. I'm not all that comfortable starting a long ongoing stories and I certainly don't want to be the guy who writes a 2k word chapter every once in a blue moon.
Honestly, it's a patchwork of two short scenes (first and second contact) that came to me and was built from there. Going by the finished story, yes, you could definitely say that the actual story is between the lines (or snapshots, if you will).
You do what you feel is right, that's what the system's there for. I'll definitely thumb up your comment because I asked for critique and you delivered. Again, thanks!
6208397
Thank you!
6208722
You know, I threw in the colonies as a nod to fellow BSG fans, but I completely forgot about that narration. THAT would have been a great reference. I'm really tempted to edit that part now, but alas, I am not George Lucas and this isn't Star Wars 289th Special Remastered Edition with extra CGI...
6209236 I memorized that part by heart now. Thanks for putting that in. Bronies who like BSG are rare.
And the reason space battles aren't realistic is because of George Lucas basing them off of Korean War air combat.
SO SAY WE ALL!
6209260 Still, though. The feels are so much like Past Sins! It's an amazing story...
A brony that loves penguins, too? You and me are going to get along just fine, my friend.
Oh yeah, loved the story.
You should definitely continue with this.
I do have reservations about it in it's short form, especially the 'flatness' of Twilight but considered as a vertical 'snapshot' of a larger narrative it works very well as a sort of 'teaser' trailer.
Perhaps viewing it in such a cinematic fashion puts it in a different light.
Regardless, I hope you build on this. Anyway I'll thumb it up and 'follow' and hope to see some long form expansion.
God I hope I don't sound this pompous in real life...
6209075
Maybe he has gray hair because he likes the color. Maybe it's his favorite and Hawthorne always gets what Hawthorne wants
6209192
I wrote an answer to the comment you're referencing and I'll happily admit that it's a giant tease
6209203
MEEEEE TOOOOOOO
6209260
Yes, I've not come across many.
6209295
One day they shall rule over the world
6209312
That is definitely a better way to look at it. It's not a detailed complete story, but supposed to evoke the feeling of something more within the reader. Well, at least I get to write something pompous, too
Let's put it this way: IF I continue this, it definitely has to wait until after my thesis and other exams are done.
I really enjoyed that! It was very interesting!
As a few other people have said, this has the potential to become a massive story with a lot of world building.
I can only hope you decide to do more with this!
6209372
Ahhh, so not the heat death of my earlier comment. I was looking at the wrong universe.
A challenger has appeared, colour me intrigued.
I really hope I'm not pissing up the wrong tree here...
**********EDITED FOR CLARITY***********
I now realise that my meaning here was totally unclear.
What I meant was that it had occurred to me that the line “This universe will be ours soon” by the huge baldy skull fellas in the transit between universes might actually be referring the the humans' universe rather than Twilights's, as the line reads.
Then it occurred to me that this might be the real reason the humans et al seek to escape into another universe. Whilst the humans' civilisation would still be very old, this would sidestep the problem of their seeming too young to fear the heat death of their universe.
When fallenpenguin referred to a giant tease in relation to the giants, I thought I might be onto something with them being a third actor on the stage.
Please excuse my obscurity.
6208397 not bad at all, this guy deserves a like
My complaint is that the universe will end at around one googolplex C.E. so The population would be enormous! There is no way they could get everyone through fast enough.
Where were you going with this? Nothing else seems to happen involving this.
Great story, by the way.
6210115 Still, a googol is 100 to the power of ten, and a googolplex is 100 to the power of 10 squared.
6210168 Those numbers should actually be reversed. 100 to the power of 10 only gives you a 1 with 20 zeroes. A googol is 10 to the power of 100 (1 with a hundred zeroes). And a googolplex is 10 to the power of a googol. Produces a veeeeery different result.
6209192 That line about the universe, to me, seems like it is Death itself proclaiming that human universe will soon die, therefore "belonging to them."
Seeing the cover art and description makes me think of The Iron Giant.
static.rogerebert.com/redactor_assets/pictures/540609cbcd3b56bbca00021b/the-iron-giant-scrapyard.jpg
WOW this was so AWESOME!
Well this clearly can't happen since I'll be ending the human race tomorrrroooohhheyyyyy! Look at that shiny distraction over there!
*quickly hides doomsday timetable*
Nice read. I was kind of hoping for some kind of interaction with a creature like the Celestials from Marvel comics instead though. Perhaps finding out the Celestials created the planet Equestria rests on in some kind of experiment with creating a magic-centric world and "solar-system" and then millennia later coming in to evaluate and judge said experiment.
My general opinion of this story over all is a negative one due largely to the fact I finish this story feeling tricked and that I just watched someone going on about how great their little idea world is. This story lacked a great many things such as consistency, real conflict, characterization, or even much of a plot at all. I even what little characterization there was felt largely out of sync with the established characters of the show. Though perhaps my largest issue is with the description of sci fi world you are seeking to portray.
The largest problem you had with your world in general is the fact you set it so absurdly far in the future. At that point in time nearly everything you describe should be all but impossible and obsolete in the extreme. Let us take for example your crowded market scene, even if you were to tell me this was the absolute scum sucking lowest of low for the universe, I have a hard time accepting that any of this would exist as it is shown here. You are describing a scene that is rare and fading even today thanks to technology, in this age the market should be completely silent aside from maybe the sounds of people walking. All advertising and exchange of goods would be digital and likely have the purchased items materialize at a person's home, even if this is the ass crack of the universe. Even the poorest of poor would be living in conditions many of us would consider the heights of modern comfort and disease/sickness of any sort should be outright impossible, much less something Twilight, someone who has never been shown to have any medical experience or training, would be able to fix in minutes. The sheer unimaginable amount of time you have described passing would have technology at a point where we literally are unable to imagine its most basic of concepts. Even having humans still being anything even remotely recognizable as human instead of perhaps truly being the grey sexless synthetic titans your title pictures hints at is a betrayal of the world you are trying to build.
Carrying on both your lack of consistency and plot in general is perhaps the only scene in your story that made me sit up and take notice. During your teleporter scene you describe the first real sign of a real conflict with the hooded figures wanting to claim Twilight's universe. However, this niggling beginning of a plot and conflict is completely ignored as soon it passes as it is never mentioned or hinted at again and Twilight doesn't even stop to go, "That was odd." Even at the end it doesn't hint at any conflict happening or having Equestrians being the latest bottom of the barrel race after their universe was taken from them, just more "Boy the future sure is nifty huh?" that seemed to be the only thing this story had to say. Then again Twilight shouldn't have even been the one to go in the first place, much less alone.
With Twilight being one of Equestrias, get out of doom free cards, no one should have even suggested that she go, much less Celestia who seeks to shelter Twilight especially from political things such as this. The fact that none of the military advisers that were present, apparently to simply wheeze and gawk, didn't raise a fuss over sending their number one super weapon over alone and unprotected is almost laughable. In a scenario such as this it seems much more likely that Celestia or Luna would be the ones to take the trip due to their power/experience/knowledge and they would do so under armed escort. Even if this was refused, for whatever reason, I find it unlikely they'd let it be Twilight who made the solo trip.
This is not a horrible fic really, it is just a very poorly handled one that will need heavy editing in order to become something I find respectable. There is a good story hiding under this pile of bad choices and poor decisions. If you don't want to change the general scene you've built for future world, you need to move the time line radically closer to the present, perhaps a thousand years at most though even that is really pushing it, and upon doing so change the reason for the visit. Perhaps humans and a few allies are fleeing an army of robotic life forms and seek refuge among Equestria's stars. You then need to build conflict and plot around the idea, such as worrying if these humans are on the up and up and even if they are if their enemies won't simply be able to follow them and ravage Equestria as well.
Again you have the potential for something good here, it's just buried rather deep is all.
I always love reading neat one-shots like this.
Darn, so many stories that would make great series but are one-shots. TuT
6210994 Ah, wishes of men and monsters. Time is but string, a limited amount being sewn into the fabrics of our life. Yet, it must run out. We may create beautiful tapestries, or depictions of evil. We have only a little string. We best make it count for the things that matter.
What is right? What is wrong? There is no such things. They do not exist.
Tell me. Is stealing wrong?
An entrepreneur, just starting his business, when some punk steals some of his bread.
A starving child, dressed in rags, not knowing when, or if, his next meal will come.
There is only perspective.
What is life? Is it something we can hold in our hands or contain in our hearts?
Is it blood, flowing through our veins?
Is it civilization, with peoples and places?
Is it chaos?
Is it harmony?
Creation?
Destruction?
Light?
Dark?
Life?
Death?
We cannot know.
Only wait.
And live.
6210936 Think about EG... that and this story are about the same, but one is canon, so in reality this isn't that bad.
6210597 I'm immune to distractions i know what you are planing!
That whole “This universe will be ours soon.” thing was kinda odd, ominous, foreboding...
And utterly useless since nothing was ever done with it. I mean, there you build up potential to take this somewhere interesting and dark, and in fact start with showing a darker side of the other-universe society to Twilight... but no. Next thing I know, it's "4000 years later".
So, yeah, I really enjoyed this story, but as Fana Farouche already remarked, there was definitely more potential in it.
6209641
6210546
Thanks
6209791
I definitely thought about that. What is a plausible time frame for such a logistical nightmare? My thoughts were that if your entire universe goes, you're going to pour all resources into that singular goal. They have FTL drives and they will definitely have made portal stations an essential part to every installation akin to life support systems.
If you've seen the Stargate series, they could probably take that approach and launch seed ships to drop gates on habitable worlds.
6210055
6210444
That describes pretty well what I was going for. As for Twilight not referencing it, I was struggling with that. The visions are supposed to be more akin to what happens in some movies involving teleportation/time travel: blurry visions and flashes that are supposed to make sense to the audience, but not necessarily the character. Twilight is a bit dazed after stepping out of the portal and she's not really sure what she saw.
6210481
More a this is kinda neat, if you don't think about it too much than a this sucks, I hope. Joking aside, yes, this is definitely something I need to improve in my writing. I like sticking to the bare essentials I need to tell a story and implying as much as I can. That's what I learned in the creative writing classes I took, BUT I tend to go overboard with it.
6210792
Oh, now I'm interested. Are there any good Marvel crossovers involving the Celestials on fimfiction?
6210936
I don't really know how to answer this. Before reading it I asked myself, if I did that badly to warrant such a long comment. After reading it I can't really find anything to disagree with in your critique. Thank you for taking the time to read the story and write out your thoughts on it, I'll definitely take them to heart either for my next story or something in this universe, if I return to it.
6210994
Read my other story, I did the same thing there
This story is good, but there are some problems with it. Others had already mentioned it, so I won't. I'll talk about other thing. Technological inconsistency.
I know it's a mix of different races, but even then it shouldn't be as big of a difference as it is. On the first meeting (the giant) and later with the "gate" humanity presented itself as a type 3 maybe fledgling type 4 civilization. That is a really serious shit. But then, you made them look like fledgling to solid type 1. It's like you would went into LHC lab, and engineer there was using stone ax.
Second thing. If humanity is here at least 4.5 billion years old, they should be type 5 by that point or even higher, and then everything else here looks even more ridiculously outdated. Furthermore, if the universe is dying, and there's still humanity, than they are around 15 billion years old, so it's beyond mind melting.
"Food"? "Industry"? Their bodies by that point, if even corporeal, probably would be made out of quantum computing femtomachines. They should be able to play strings like one plays guitar today. They should be able to create matter at will, planets, like a kid creates a dirt ball in sandbox, stars, as easily as pronouncing the word for it.
That Giant looks like, ddragon.leagueoflegends.com/cdn/img/champion/splash/Jax_0.jpg
Jax...
>star-system-destroying weapons
>extraordinarily advanced technology escaping the limits of the square-cube law
>easy interdimensional travel
>humanity has existed for millennia, constantly growing more advanced
>"We all gotta work together with the furries, guys!"
i.warosu.org/data/tg/img/0401/94/1432645944586.png
6207763 Dear god, I think you just might, with the right pokes and prods here and there, make a base for somthing along the lines of the LoHaV, Displaced, ect. Am I wording it right? What I am saying is that so many am stories can branch off of this.....
I liked it.
Hmng unng uug! I came from reading this story...
It went by far too quickly and I was frankly disappointed that it turned out to be another iteration of "advanced humans find ponies." It feels like the cover art is just a bait and switch.
Overall it feels like an entirely incomplete idea.
6210344
Ah. I'm not a mathematician.
6211645
With the gate dropping, it should be able to work.
I really can't say I liked this a lot. You're both really, really heavy-handed about your "moral message" (one of the cardinal sins of science fiction) as well as a poster child for the cliché that scifi writers have no sense of scale whatsoever. Taken together, the result is just silly. An entire planet vaporized! The tragedy! And almost a full single mid-sized 20th century Earth city's worth of people dead... which is apparently a major population center for a space-faring civilization, considering that there are "billions"of humans on "millions of planets." That makes, what, a thousand people per planet or so? That's barely even a large village.
I mean, come on. The story is set in a future so many trillions and trillions of years away that the stars have burned out and entropy has the universe winding down like a broken clock, and what do we get? One ridiculously oversized loudspeaker with legs and Stereotypical US Navy Colonel No. Umpteen thousand, so standard it's like you copied his dialogue out of a cheap Tom Clancy paperback?
All in all this really looks like you just threw together a bunch of random scifi setpieces, added ponies, and expected a good story to come from that all by itself. Predictably enough, it didn't. Take it as a lesson in paying more attention to substance over putting in stuff just for appearances.
Cliche story and cliche ending. The idea was great, though.
Really broke it for me when you had the pickpocket kid with the cliche "my relative is DYING, that's why I did a morally wrong thing!"
I'd look forward to a rewrite!
6211750
I'm a little disappointed. Being a fan of Abiogenesis' work, I was hoping to read about some hyper-advanced metahuman and ponies making contact with each other, neither being able to fully comprehend each other due to how bizarre and alien each finds the other.
That being said, this has a lot of potential, but it's too short to really make for a great story. It forces you to use heavy-handed writing techniques and to leave out or cripplingly shorten important story elements, such as the debate on whether the humans can be trusted and the spectrum of opinions on that topic, the implications of harboring a race (or group of races) from another universe, or even a more substantial first encounter that takes more than a couple hundred words to sum up.
Also, you'll want to work on your sense of scale. Earth currently holds seven billion people, and has the potential to support quite a few more. If there are millions of colonized planets, and there have been for millions of years, you're looking into a universal population well into the quadrillions, if not the quintillions.
It's interesting, really...
Since in another universe this may have happened, but who knows?
Maybe time will tell
It was almost good. Almost.