Chapter 5
Are Any Dogs Clean?
My head was throbbing as I woke up. Something about sitting stiffly for over three hours, it gives your back tons of horrible knots. I relished the fact that I could just lay there, my brain in a numb blur. I stretched like a cat, my back making an arch over the cave floor. Ah, popping my joints was a habit I detested, but sometimes it's nice to go ahead and splurge. I need to wake up, but it felt so nice to just lay here. That's when I felt something touch me. Something warm. Something furry. Something alive. I sat up straight, my eyes flying open, and immediately smacking my head into something hard. I could feel the strain on my tear-ducts again. Why did evolution rob dragons of the ability to cry? Sounded really stupid to me.
'Wait, right, something was touching me, but what was it?' I uncrossed my eyes and looked at the intruder. It was right on top of me, towering over my prone form. Was it a dog? Looked like it. Long shaggy hair, black as night. Eyes of red. Wait, it may look like it but dog's aren't bipedal and definitely don't have huge mucking swords strapped to their waists. Wait, how did I know it was a him?
“THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU MUTT!” I screeched, my voice breaking in shock and disgust. I had fallen asleep and a dog tried to get a home run, well ain't life just grand? He looked surprised that I had woken up, but otherwise seemed perfectly content and decided that now was the perfect time for that last little mad dash to the plate. I panicked, and my hand flailed out. I forgot about my recent acquisition of claws and, I am sorry for all males in existence, but I proceeded to do what would be best described as a banana split.
The diamond dog looked at me, then looked down. It looked as if it had just been caught in the headlights. Was he suffering from shock. I was just about to reach out and try to comfort him when he raised his muzzle up and howled, tears streaming down his face. At this point I reassessed my priorities and started backing away like crazy. I know that I may have hard scales, but that diamond dog was taller than me and one hell of a lot thick...sturdier too. If I could avoid a fight, then all the better for me.
He obviously didn't think that though. After his howl, he glared at me in anger and misery. He was struggling to stand, his left hand cupped around his loss and his right grabbing his sword. He charged, or at least he would have had he not suddenly become bow legged. His sword sliced through the air, traveling straight towards my head. 'Thank god for those kick-boxing classes!' I was only just able to move out of the way, his movements striking me as both odd and erratic, more than likely due to the pain he was suffering. He wasn't disciplined, but he had potential.
We started to dance a waltz of blows, his role the lead for his mad lunging and me acting in turn, dodging his blows. Our dance coursed through the cave, but I was loathe to stop it, for I was having a hard time avoiding him striking me, and a counter attack would likely end with both of us dead or wounded. But our dance wasn't going to get us anywhere, and desperate times call for desperate measures.
'Gemina, please let me move properly. I can barely dodge his attacks, and if I attack one of us is going to either get hurt or die, so please Gemina, just let me move!' I pleaded. I also thought, 'And if we die how will we avenge dad?'
'What's in it for me?'
I sighed. Gemina could be so fickle. I could practically hear her smirking at me. Why did she need to ask for payment when I had already given her such a huge amount of already. 'Fine, I'll give you a hour of freedom.'
'OK then. And you promise to actually give me the time?'
'Yes I promise.'
'Then I'm just gonna sit back and watch then.'
'Fine, just let me move already!'
'Okey-dokey skipper.'
I suddenly felt lighter, as if weights had been ripped off of my body. My arms felt almost buoyant upon the air and my legs seemed like they had recently been thick oak and had suddenly turned into light, springy yew. Oh how good it felt to be unshackled again, to be free. My confidence had suddenly just skyrocketed, and I felt as if the poor mutt should be given a chance to avoid yet more pain.
“I'm sorry, but unless you wish to lose a few ribs stop attacking me.”
“Dragon lady took it away. Took my honour. Dragon lady is going to pay for wronging me.” the dog literally barked at me, still moving in a bandy-legged fashion. His voice was a low growl, rumbling out from his throat, obviously filled with pure unadulterated fury, but filled with even more pain and misery. I almost felt sorry, almost. But......
'To hell with that!' He didn't just say that I wronged him, did he? I, wronged him? He was going to be puking up a lung if he keeps thinking that. Nobody treats me like dirt and then insults me without getting a sound walloping.
I don't know why, but I just stopped moving, instinct, pure instinct, telling me to let him hit me. He capitalized upon it instantly. as his sword swung down, his mouth broke into a wide grin, his revenge assured. That smug look changed quickly when his sword hit my scales and literally bounced off, my scales none the worse for wear. As he gazed at his sword in sudden anger and disbelief, I jumped, spinning my foot into his face. It was actually rather comical. My foot connected with his jaw and it pushed him off his feet, sending him spinning into the cave wall.
*Thud, BOOM, whimper*
'Okay, he's out for the count.' No dog I knew of could hit a wall at forty MPH and walk away unscathed. I felt sorry for the dog. He had no clue about what was going on until I had beaten him to a pulp. I wished I could make him feel some relief, somehow remove the pain. I walked over to him, and started muttering, “why did you even try to do that, are you crazy? I'm not even your race and yet you decide to Album Ventus.” My hands flew to my mouth. Latin, again, and really, why the hell did I say white wind? But my hands just flopped to my side as I saw an amazing sight.
Black light, almost like dark purple flames, had wrapped around both his crotch and his snout, and had removed the blood on him. Wait, they had even fixed all the dogs wounds. My jaw was wide in amazement. I had said Latin last time as well. Did this mean...but no, I needed to keep my promise, not stand around gawking at perverted dogs. I took a deep breath and braced myself.
'You get one hour Gemina, then we need to be back here.'
'Fine by me, just let me take over.'
I lost control of my limbs and before I knew what was happening, I had leaped out of the cave yet again.
********************Two Hours Later********************
The dog was just coming too, clutching his head and whining. He looked groggy, and completely confused as to where he was. His gaze was searching through the cave, seeking out some kind of detail that would remind him of why he was here. His eyes squinted into the shadows that I was sitting in, and his eyes dilated in fear. He immediately looked down.
“You may as well forget it, it's lost. The shaft was ripped right off, but otherwise its been patched up. No blood, no wound, just a missing part. Maybe you shouldn't surprise people next time.” I said, my voice cold. “And why were you even going there anyway? Are dragon girls considered exotic or something?”
He was slowly looking up at me, but his look was completely unexpected. It wasn't rage or even fear, but it looked betrayed. “You were asking for it, and then I'm the one who is evil? And why would I want to be with a girl, I don't really like them.”
“How the buck did I ask for it!?” I spluttered. I was expecting him to say one hell of a lot of things, but this had not been one of them.
“I had come into the cave to hunt for gems, but you looked hurt so I was going to wake you up. When I got close however, you arched your back and rubbed yourself against me. I thought you were asking me. You weren't, were you.” he asked, his ears falling flat against his head, almost as if he had been reprimanded.
I was blushing so badly that my face had become a bright shade of violet. 'Oh dear lord no!'
'I told you. I told you. Your pink!'
'This isn't the time Gemina!'
I pulled myself back to reality, and saw the dog sitting on the ground, looking at me as if I had just scolded him. He really did seem like a giant dog. No matter what he thought, he was going to be paying me back for wasting my time.
“You really need to check to see if someone means what you think they do, especially if they are asleep. So, I feel like taking another limb would make us even.” I said, crossing my arms. His eyes became a bit more diluted, but not much changed. I was starting to get pissed off at this dog. I had just wasted over two hours with this dog, hours that I could have spent looking for that griffin.
He looked at me for a second or two and then said, “You really are a girl? Really?”
I had been resisting the urge to kill this dog for over an hour, and now I was starting to regret it. I didn't have time for this. I needed to find those griffins, and this dog was just baggage. Wait, baggage. Maybe I could use him to carry my gear in return for his life. But still.
'Why do I find all the crazies? I could have just found a diamond dog that wanted to make me a slave but no, I have to find the stupid one that wastes my time.'
'Better than having a diamond dog that is stronger than you.'
'True, but it still doesn't help much.'
'Best I got, take it or leave it.' I sighed, shaking my head. Why had it dissolved into this?
“Okay then, I'm going to offer you a deal, and choose wisely. Either you help me find a griffin and rip it's head off, or else I rip yours off and use it as bait for said griffin. I doubt you want the latter, but it is your choice.” I said, removing my ha...claw from my face. I was praying he would answer quickly, and for once fate was kind.
“I'll help scary dragon lady.” he replied almost before I finished speaking. He was looking at the points of my fingers, each one capable of gutting a pig.
'Guess I look intimidating to most people. Well then, that griffin is going to be treated to all the horrors of Tartarus before I finally let him die.'
687723
Somewhat Mary Sue, but the character has a whole heapload to go into it. Hell, I already have the ending planned out. Gonna take forever to get there though.
She has, as BlackWing so eloquently put it: Little knives on the ends of each finger
688050
YES FINALLY SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT IT!
688045
Yeah, I even know who I want in the scene, and even the end of the story. All I can say is that it will have sadness, much sadness. Edit: She doesn't have RD syndrome. The truth is actually much more insane.
Meh. I don't really like this chapter, feels quite rushed and the POV switch is quite jarring and confusing to follow. I don't think the extra point of view helped the narrative at all, either. I'd rather you just stick to one POV. *readies shotgun* Let's hope it doesn't happen again.
...
I had something else to say, but I forgot it. Shut up, it's 1:30 in the morning over here.
But anyway, I am definitely a fan of your story, keep up the good work! ...Well, except this chapter, I wouldn't call this one good. Not that I'd call it bad, either. It is simply so-so in my books. So-so is unacceptable. I hate so-so. I also just realized that by saying I hate so-so, I am basically calling this chapter bad, which I just said wasn't true.
I really need to get some sleep...
688100
Sorry about that, it was more or less a test to see my ability to switch POV's, and I didn't like it entirely either. Thanks for the truthful feedback. I just find it funny that NOBODY is finding anything wrong with my gay, now ****less diamond dog.
SHOUTOUT TO ALL YE FANS please give me truthful (even cruel) feedback about this chapter. I want to know how bad/good this chapter was. Feedback may hurt but it's worth it. So please just respond truthfully.
688137 its was way to short for my likeing stick to 3000 word chapters
not nearly mary sue enough to take out griffin yet. and sad ending maybe means she fails?
we'll see! and if the rate of release contines it shall be soon. look forward to it
He wants to kill griffin, oh this is gonna be good!
I feel like something is missing, tough it's a really good story. Keep going!
684419 Technically 4, the one in my fantasies... But I digress, we need a story in the same universe for all non-pony creatures... we have Grif, DD, and now a dragon... we need a Changeling... cows and donkeys are boring so they dont count.... we need a steel hoof.... although that would be an weird concept... OH AND GOATS FALL UNDER COWS AND DONKEYS... ALSO BUFFALO TOO... THEY ARE NATIVE EQUESTRIANS... thats all I can think of... so basically a changeling OH AND ONE OF YOUR CAT PEOPLE... yea that would be cool.
688137 if there is something that stands out to me, is that its too fast paced. It feels like you're going through a list with some details regarding each point. Making your chapters longer by fleashing out the events that takes place might help you out.
688137 Honestly I feel like if your going to follow more than one person, make the story 3rd person, but you could always write it where Embers parts are in first, while the rest are in third, much like rust and black wing pulled off.
I was just thinking this reality needed a dragon character and here she is!
I agree, it feels a little rushed. Otherwise it's not bad, keep writing.
judging by this chapter this is gonna be one weird story. a flightless dragon and a gay neutered diamond dog chasing dog a crazy vampire gryphon pirate. not to mention she wants very much to kill her only companion at this juncture in time... gonna be a weird trip people. into the breech i doth say!
684419>>688137>>682994 really? You guys just made a whole non-cannon sidestory and you didn't turn it into a posted story?!
The only problem I see is that its a little unbelievable that she woke up to the Ddog doing...that, and didn't kill him. Other than that though this looks pretty interesting, so I'll be following it along Echo and Griffin.
I honestly like this story, it seems like a good story, but, I swear, if you somehow beat griffin, and Griffin the Griffin stops....I'll find your house, grab my giant sword i have hanging on my wall, and cut off all your limbs and let you bleed out slowly and die. 2.bp.blogspot.com/_4dFes_RcTbE/S4AOyu4JjBI/AAAAAAAACzs/-5zf6rcHZE0/s400/holy_grail_ronaldgrant-2878.jpg
688353 I'd, personally, love to do the changeling.
I've got a crazy-go-nuts idea for a musician-turned-changeling who breaks out into song FAR more often than normal even for equestria....
And I'd likely take requests for songs[anything from 'American Badass' to 'Witch Doctor'. if it's got lyrics, he'd sing it.
689161 I can't believe how I missed that, I somehow confused her with Hinata from Naruto.
689163 Don't you mean your giants sword sword?
689181 Or, make the changeling a super over the top happy character that constantly sings songs from kids shows and gets on everybody's nerves.
She chopped off his junk for trying to get some while she slept. A little much, but acceptable in the given situation. It doesn't seem to bother him very much, considering like an hour later he's just chilling and wagging his tail like nothing's wrong. Maybe they...grow back?
But he mistook her for a dude, and she let that slide?
...DEAR GODS I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS FEMALE.
689181 Go for it, but before you actually add the references to any of the three, make sure you ask all three, because if you make one reference to one of them, all of them are swept in.
689377 I dont know, but by that threat I can assure you that you could not simply ignore... that he can swing his sword also YOU could have spared that changeling on your ship and made it break out into random songs.... but noooooo
689398 WAIT WHAT WHEN THE HELL DID SHE DO THAT
Wait a minute.... are you implying that you normally understand females in general
Imagine what would happen if she met you...
Chapter did feel a bit too rushed and short, but I really like the idea and as an avid reader of Griffin and Echo (and pretty much everything else, holy heck 5mil words read already) I'll be following this to see how it goes.
689380
Oh God yes, this needs to be done. Anything with a Changeling in this world really, the three native stories must be turned into four!
689398 She doesn't care about him thinking she was a boy because lizards have no external mammaries, so it's like looking at a flat chested girl and saying that it is a pretty boy. Besides, most d dogs aren't particularly intelligent. Also, she doesn't try to kill unless there is provocation. If he had attacked her, then death.
689813 it won't let me centre it. I'm going to revamp this chapter, but you might need to wait for a day or two.
688137 Meh, I'm honestly not to bothered by the fact that the dog is gay... Several things though. One, you didn't exactly clarify how you removed his... member. Also, if he was gay he really wouldn't be worried about starting a family. Y'know, seeing as how males (even diamond dog males) can't get pregnant. And another thing is he suddenly gets his mommy-daddy button removed, and instead of writhing on the floor in pain he just howls a little bit then decides to kill Ember. Not very realistic.
...I think that's about it.
689380
It all depends, really, on if it's OK with you, rust, and Tamara if I set it in your universe.
If it is, then I've got the basics of the first chapter in my head and ready to be written.
Along with a couple songs to use.
among other things.
IF It's given the green-light, then I can assure youit'd be much MUCH more slapstick than your own story, good sir, and far less uber serious than Dancing Flames and Balland are.
A sort of tetrafectum between your own uber badass and bloody, Dancing's sadness and sorrow, Ballad's solid seriousness, and my own story's intent towards silliness.
Because, seriously, it's a musical fanfic set in a very DARK version of Equestria, and my plans for my dude are very VERY demented....
I specialise in dementedly silly stories, even my serious ones are silly in some way.
Also, honestly? He's not gonna be pinkie pie. I did say it'd be silly, never said anything about ti being kid-friendly. Seriously, I've got a LONG list of very vulgar songs[like 99 words for boobs, among the more tame ones{yes, it's a parody of 99 red balloons}] that I plan on using eventually.
Pretty damn good. Le tracked.
What you should do is spend more time including details
And make sure it sounds good to read (AKA proof reading) (But not for errors)
Other wise you just need to keep it in the 2-5k words range to satisfy readers and feel good about it.
Other then that it is good except you need to transition you pov changes so they can be understood easily
And i had a hard time going from the end of the Fourth chapter to the beginning of the Fifth.
I hope this helps, i wanna see this get extremely popular.
I am seriously tempted a self-insert of me becoming an Alicorn or a Kobold in this universe.
Yes... this story pleases Lord Brown bear...
You know, I had an idea for a story in this universe, based around character sketches. Unfortunately I have to wait until my school year ends to start writing again. I'm not going to find any time for it otherwise.
690008
Just write the first chapter and let me read it before it comes out. I don't mind you making it in our world, I'd just like to see said story before it is written.
690117
Working on that one. On one hand it would be cool, but on the other it is beyond cliché.
692389
I'll do my best once my days off begin[starting after work on Tuesday, so not long from now], I'll try to get it your way by thursday.
I'll send it via PM because google doesn't like my antique computer so I can't use google docs reliably
I'm likely gonna make a minor shout-out to my best pal, KnightMysterio's fanfic 'Waking Nightmares', but it's a tiny one.
Bah, not reading all these comments, too many of them and it's 2:28 in the morning.
Anyway, so far, I like it. Story concept is good, you've obviously been thinking about where this is gonna go and how it's gonna get there. I also like that you're keeping communications open with BlackWing and Rust, the authors of this particular story world, and that you lean closer to BlackWing's style. (That last one's just my personal preference, don't take it too seriously.)
Cons:
It's rushed. The chapters are too short, and you don't spend enough time introducing and allowing us to get attached to your characters. When the main character's daddy dies, I wanna feel grief! I wanna feel tears streaming down my face, I want to feel righteous anger heat my blood, I want to feel like I wanna bucking kill Griffin! Instead, I feel nothing. It's like watching a piece of paper burn. It's interesting to watch, but there's not emotional attachment. There should be.
I do not understand Gemini. Take some time to make schizophrenia clearer to those of us who don't have firsthand knowledge of it. Why is Gemini so sarcastic all the time? What's her deal? Why hasn't Ember ever let her out before? Gemini just shows up out of the blue and confuses us readers to no end. Make her significant, clarify her connection to these latin phrases, and eventually get to the point where it's explained why she can make Ember feel so light. That probably shouldn't all happen at the same time, though; start with just the clarification in the opening chapters, and then explain the latin and weighty stuff when you get around to it- probably best done when Ember tries to explain herself to someone else, a sympathetic character who's either the DD after a change of heart or someone we haven't met yet. Daddy dragon probably wouldn't be a good candidate since he didn't even notice Ember's opening freakout, plus he's dead now and she'd probably have to explain all over again.
You just cut this DD's gems off. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???
*Ahem* Doesn't matter how much Ember heals him, or how much she threatens him with her pointy knife claws, he's going to hate her now. At some point in the future, he's going to try and stab her in the back. Unless she is somehow wounded in a way that equals his loss (like she plays up the wing card or something) no other reaction makes a lick of sense, especially since Ember's using fear to subdue him.
Also, why was Ember so upset with the DD after the initial skirmish? It seems like a major overreaction to what was clearly a misunderstanding, which she more than repaid him for. Was it Gemini's angry influence? If so, that needs to be made clearer, and if not, it needs to be explained why she, "had been resisting the urge to kill this dog for over an hour". Does she have some dark past we need to know about? (Since you already have pushy daddy, it would make more sense if she had a friend back on Earth that something happened to.)
Bleh. Sorry, I usually keep the kid gloves on for new authors, as I know firsthand how devastating an awful comment can be to a budding writer. I've no doubt I'd be more tactful if it weren't now 2:57 AM. Anyway, your story shows a heck of a lot of potential, which is why I'm still reading and why I'm bothering to comment. (Well, besides the fact that BlackWing has earned my unending adoration for his puddle of awesomesauce, but that's neither here nor there.) I am tracking this, and I want to see more if/when inspiration strikes.
Tl;dr- You have a good idea, good characters, and a good outline. We want to see them, so make your chapters more detailed.
You have motivated my to continue my story. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
693457
No attachment is needed for the father. It's a plot hook for Ember alone. You need to feel not agony and anger for the father, but rather sadness for Ember and how she has lost the only one who means anything to her. That and Griffin killed Embers father early on. Other than that, the chapters should start fleshing themselves out soon, but until then, it needed to move quickly. Kinda like the first Harry Potter chapter, where it takes them three chapters to have Hagrid destroy the bloody door. Gemini will be described withing two chapters, and it is NOT SCHIZOPHRENIA!!! Please stop calling it that.
693985
Glad I could help.
Sorry about the slow output. I have finals next week, end of year projects this week, and have to wait up to twenty hours in between my uses of a computer. Why must fate rid me of my laptop
POST MOAR
How could she do that to the family jewels?!?!
Besides feeling pain for my fellow man's misfortune, the chapter wasn't that bad. A little fast paced, but besides that not to bad. The two voices thing is really enjoyable. Sorta reminds me of the Hulk and Banner almost, but that's just the Marvel fan in me.
692426
Singing changeling story in the same Universe?? Oh the joys it will be. I'm seeing karaoke with Griffin in the future.
694005
Cool, looking forward to it.
If it's not schizophrenia, then what the buck is going on? Is she possessed?
694191
That sucks. What happened to your laptop?
694649
Actually I'm seeing Knightmare and Griffin doing 'Beelzeboss' against a Nightmare-posessed Octavia at a pirate costume party in Canterlot.
Luna and Celestia don't intervene because the song was just that awesome.
And that's one of the more TAME ideas I've got.
Though only if Blackwing is OK with such a crossover[mine would kick off not long after the Changeling assault on Canterlot, as opposed to beginning the same day like all the others, so my star's got a late start]
You have just nuked my brain cells, congratulations are in order. I'm kinda sad that you wrote this though, I've been wanting to do a story in that dimension. But you beat me to it, it was going to be about a dragon too... There isn't really any thing I could write about now. Hmmm
static.fjcdn.com/comments/FUCKING+AWESOME+_1bb49e4c614460fbdeb14c74f5b606f1.png
694191
Correction, I got the prologue done sooner than expected. I sent you the rough draft so...yeah. I'll make final edits if you like what you see.
Well darn. Here I was thinking I was all original with my "human turned into dragon in the same echo and griffin equestrian era" story being submitted, when not 20 minutes later do I uncover this beauty. But honestly, I tip my towering pillar of hats to all three (>> BlackWing >>Tamara Bloodhoof >>Rust) of you. These three stories will hopefully fill a good deal of my free time this summer. Lord knows I'm gonna have enough of it. Between these 3 and my own stories, one of which isn't submitted yet and the other still waits for mod approval, as well as making my fabulous DnD game I should be able to avoid my remedial Chemistry homework just fine. Also, the title of this one is what caught my eye. I often use Dancingflames as my user name, when Axelflames doesn't work. Now, back to praying that the mods grant me the honor of a published story, and that you three don't kill me for using a world that you excel at making alive and vibrant in a way I've never seen. Lastly, It's weird for me to see Rust or BlackWing's comments without the red 'Author' bar across the name. Anyways, that's my schpiel, Good night!
680558
Beyond teenager. I need to rediscribe her build, so please don't kill me for redoing the chapter beginning.
694649
You sir have the closest idea of what is going on in her head. Hulk and Banner is exactly right, but the real explanation will be coming in a little bit. Thanks for throwing that comment in.
And yeah, I even said sorry to all men in existence WITHIN the chapter. Hope you'll be willing to wait the few chapters for the big explanation.