MARRIONETTES P.O.V
I could not believe what I was seeing right now. I've seen some strange things in the pizzaria like a strange shadow that looks like Bonnie, but this, this took the cake. Staring right down at me was a purple unicorn( they had some books in the restaurant for kids so he knows) that was looking around in confusion at me.
"Umm are you......real?" She asked hesitantly not sure what this creature was or why it was here in the first place. She was still looking down at me waiting for a response. All I did was stare at this talking equin unicorn. Until the silence was broken from a very timid sounding pony.
"Umm Twilight can you tell us who or what is in that box please, I-I mean if you want to that is."with Twilight turning her friend to answer her friends question I slowly rose from my box standing on my tiny stubbs I call legs. As I got a view of my surrounding area I noticed the harsh glare of the sun beating down on his white mask. As I adjusted to the light Twilight s friends froze in shock at what appeared behind her. Standing at six feet tall this thing was horrifying.
3rd Person
A very thin body, arms and legs. Three long appendages on each end of its arm. But that isn't what they saw at first. The first thing they saw was that horrifying pale white face, rosy cheeks, purple "tears?" running down from its eyelids, a carved smile on its face and lastly those ghostly white eyes. It was enought to make Applejack and Rainbow Dash back up with a fearful expression on their faces. Pinkies mane deflated and held on to a shivering Rarity soon joining her in shivering. Fluttershy just simply fainted right there her hooves all pointing up in the air.
Twilight tipped her head to side confused and scared by her friends a actions. She was going to ask what's wrong, until she noticed the large shadow overlapping her shadow by a few feet. Turning around slowly in fear of what was behind her she slowly looked up meeting the horrifying eyes of the puppet. In doing so she instantly cowered into a ball hooves covering her eyes tears slowly started forming around her eyes waiting for whatever this "thing" is going to do her.
That never came instead when she lifted her head up she was greeted with a small present being held by the puppet. Twilight was still petrified to do anything so the puppet decided to take the wrapping paper off the box and opening the tape on the flaps with his long fingers. Leaving the open box at her hooves she looked down to see what appeared to be a plushie version of the puppet. Levitating the plushie in front of her face before she put it down in the box looking smiling at the kind gift.
"Th-thank you." She said to him looking at his face.(Or mask) Her friends slowly trotted up to her and Rainbow even managed to bring Fluttershy to back to the waking world to see the puppet give Twilight the plushie. Still wary of motives they slowly stopped next to Twilight looking up at the Puppet.
Then Twilight opened her mouth to speak but stopped realizing she couldn't think of anything so Fluttershy was the first to speak."Umm c-c-can y-you tell us y-your n-n-n-name p-p-please?" She stuttered they all looked up at him waiting for his response .
Then it spoke as if it had a second voice talking at the same(think chyrsalis)"My name is the Marrionette."
I'm a bit confused on the p.o.v buy things are... OK so far.
His name is spelt 'Bonnie'. Just so that you know.
It's a little fast-paced and confusing. Slow it down, flesh it out and add '_____'s POV' when the point of view changes.
The Puppets eyes are actually completely black, with exceptions of its jumpscare (where it has a pair of white pupils), the puppet cut scene in FNAF2 and as the Phantom Puppet
I had a big long comment written, but I can't be bothered to re-write the whole thing, so I'll give you the short version.
1) You really need an editor. The first chapter, while passable, was very rough. This chapter is nearly unreadable due to the number of errors. Ask your readers, and maybe a few groups (both editorial groups and FNAF groups) for editors, because you REALLY need one
2) As much as I'd like to be, I'm too busy to be your editor. Life sucks, but work means money, even if there is less free time to enjoy it.
3) The Marionette is NOT 6ft tall. Marionette is probably between 7ft and 9ft. Look at Scott's "Thank You" image. The Marionette towers above almost everyone else, and it isn't even standing up straight.
Also, while the story is interesting, it's practically illegible in it's current form. I'll add it to my "read it later" folder, so I can find it later on.
better. Also, guy with bat pony pic, you are awesome. Keep it.
Is this the nightmare puppet? Because that’s the one that has white eyes.
Oh no, he's lost his original name? 😦