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Comments ( 6 )

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ChaseC

ChaseC #1 · Jun 13th, 2012 · · · Entry One "Lost" ·

This is a really good start, Can't wait for more!

Dezmo

Dezmo #2 · Jun 13th, 2012 · · · Entry One "Lost" ·

I'm not sure what I just read, but that won't stop my review.

Now I noticed this is not marked Grimdark so I am assuming this is not focused on the blood, but rather the story. Which I'm really hoping for since you already know I prefer low blood.

Now about your story, the first chapter was a very good attempt on being ominous and a Tad creepy. I say attempt because I feel it could be better. Try adding more resistance. Granted I could understand if you just want to get on with the story but if you plan for this to a big project, you need a big intro. Following your intro was a great back story idea. The attack on a village and how she got left behind was a great start to your story. Simple and realistic.

Now the house scene is odd. Where in the timeline is this story taking place? Am I not supposed to know who that colt is? Because while I admit it has been a while since I've read your other story, I don't remember a colt there. Oh and good going on killing Bon Bon, if you decide to ever edit this chapter I suggest that you add in Lyra laying next to her holding her hand. It makes it more hurtful and it makes sense.

And I could write more but I'm on my phone and but fingers hurt now, so Bravo and Encore. I wish the best of luck on this story.

TheMareinTheMoon

TheMareinTheMoon #3 · Jun 13th, 2012 · · · Entry One "Lost" ·

740010 All these things will be explained as the story continues, and I do feel the same way about the opening, I'm going to make some edits on such, tomorrow