I have been a Brony for about three months, and these months have done me well
When Vinyl Scratch goes to school, she is made fun of and feared for having such devilish eyes and is forced to hide behind glasses. Not yet having her cutie mark, she doesn't think she has a meaning in life and contemplates many things to end the harrasment, and possibly end her life.
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Interesting...
But the chapters are too short and there are many grammar errors, and the story seems to be a bit off track.
2012Sorching summer comes, in order to thank everyone, characteristic, novel style, varieties, low price and good quality, and the low sale price. Thank everyone
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$33 True Religion jeans, Ed Hardy jeans,LV,Coogi jeans,Affliction jeans
$30 Air Jordan shoes,Shox shoes,Gucci,LV shoes
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$15 Ed Hardy ,LV ,Gucci Bikini
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$25 Coach,Gucci,LV,Prada,Juicy,Chanel handbag,
$10 Gucci,Ed Hardy sunglasses
$9 New Era caps.
give you the unexpected harvest
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What? Let me see, you have severe formatting issues.
Alright i like this chapters are too short but i have done that before my normal in 500 words per page um if i can suggest something it would be to keep doing this and make them longer and long the way try a bit better descriptions and once you get more experience with this rewrite these pages k maybe you try asking someone in the community to help you out.
|3 out of 5|
615344 The flip? Run along, you.
Longer chapters, damn it.
sweeet, realy like your ideas. one tip i would give : when i write i try to 'show' the reader what happens instead of 'tell' them
this way its much easier to describe things and really create an image of a scene
The idea of the story is good, but you have to fix many grammatical errors. Also, the characters aren't very developed. You have to try to describe things a bit more, and tell the readers how Vinyl felt.
For example: " Hey Vinyl, sweetie, can you please go to your room for a moment or two? I'll be right there with your special birthday present!" Vinyl's father smiled as he looked down at her, but his smile was rather tight, and it didn't reach his eyes. Vinyl looked up, red eyes bright. Her father flinched a bit, but she didn't notice.
" Okay, Papa."
And where did the rolling bed appear from?
Also, when her mother told her that she's going to school, Vinyl seems to have completely forgotten that she had been trapped in a cell with the skeleton of her sister for two years.
...
Son, I am disappoint. Even I hardly use chapters THIS short - and when I do, I use 'em mainly for introductions.
As for all the errors, just say the word and I'll fix 'em all nice and neat.
As the others have said this needs to be expanded on
The ideas are good and this fic could be amazing!
Keep it up
The story is O.K. so far. There are a couple things that i would like to point out for future reference.
1) Its a wall of text. Maybe adding some spacers like adding a couple of ~~~ every time there is a big time gap.
2) Maybe try to be a little more descriptive? I was a little confused as to what was going on most of time. I understand that you are trying to do this from Vinyl's point of view but it was very hard to follow.
3) Dialogue is supposed to be on different lines such as:
"Hello" said Tom
"Hi!, how are you doing?" replied Connor.
"Not bad, and you?"
"My car broke down and I was late for work." Connor frowned.
I don't want to come off as mean, I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism.
-Booscus out
Thanks everypony, this is my first ever fanfic and i only wrote this in like an hour or so. Ill try and follow the advice and go for better descriptions
*cough*DaveStrider*cough*