Jake and Twilight were outside of the castle together, sitting on a patch of green grass. They had come out here for something very special today. You see Twilight and Jake had gathered together ..................................... to ................................ TALK! Yeah just to talk. What did you expect?
They planned to talk primarily about what Jake knew about humans, something Twilight was naturally curious about. Jake decided started the conversation "So Twilight what do you want to learn about first?"
"Well actually I want your thoughts on something."
"Yes?"
"Why do you think we speak the same language? I mean the odds of that are extremely small, both of our worlds have multiple languages and what are the odds our worlds would even have the same languages to begin with?"
Jake thought for a moment, "Well I'd just call it luck. I mean the odds of that are very small, but maybe not as small as we think. I mean this may be a different reality, or a different world or something, but our worlds actually have a lot of similarities between them, why shouldn't language be one?"
Twilight thought it over "That's very interesting. Next question, what do you think of your race as a whole?" Twilight inquired.
"Well that's an interesting question. I'd probably say that basically we are not that different from ponies. We have our good traits and our bad ones. I'll admit my world has a more violent history than yours, and it is generally a bit harsher. But I think one of the reasons for that is the lack of "magic" in my world. From what you've told me whenever a threat to Equestria comes up it's usually defeated through some magical feat such as the Elements of Harmony. My world does not have anything like that to help fix its problems, we have to do it the hard way. Can you imagine having to defeat threats like Discord without the Elements?"
Twilight thought over what Jake asked her. Without the elements they would have had to try and beat Discord with regular magic, and they certainly couldn't do it alone. They would've need an entire army to have beaten Discord, and that's assuming Discord could be beaten with normal magic. And that doesn't even include the other villains Equestria has faced.
Twilight shook her head no. "What else can you tell me?" Jake started giving Twilight a brief description of what he knew about humanity, everything from its history to its cultures.
Eventually Twilight asked Jake to tell her about himself. "Well I..." Suddenly Jake fell to his knees unable to control his body, and began speaking in a monotone voice "I was created- aahhgghh-in Eques-DAAAHHHH!" Jake suddenly grabbed his head and his body began convulsing.
"Jake what's wrong?!" Twilight shouted.
"I CAN'T CONTROL MY - AUUGHH! SOMETHING'S CONTROLLING ME AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Jake screamed in agony.
Twilight didn't know what was happening, but she knew something was wrong with her friend. She immediately performed a magical scan on Jake to try and determine what was wrong, he was still convulsing and screaming. Twilight's scan revealed that Jake was under the effects of a spell that was forcing him to believe and speak whatever it was the caster had wanted. Fortunately Twilight knew how to remove this kind of spell and charged her horn and cast another spell that would diffuse the spell affecting Jake.
Once she cast the spell it immediately took effect and Jake slowly began to calm down. Once Jake seemed to be back to normal Twilight asked Jake what exactly had happened. "I-I'm not sure. All I know is Tempest did something to my mind which was causing some of my memories to fade and forcing me to say certain things."
"Why didn't you tell us about that back in Canterlot?"
"I just forgot about it. It hasn't happened in a long time and there was a lot to distract me at Canterlot. Honestly the last time it happened I think was back when I first met Zecora."
"I'm sorry that happened to you. I think we should go back to the castle now." Jake nodded his head in agreement and the pair began walking back to the castle resuming their conversation as they walked to try and lighten the mood.
"Jake what was it you were trying to tell me before, whatever it was that happened back there happened?"
Jake paused for a second "Twilight do you know what a Christian is?"
"Um no what?" Jake informed her that he was a Christian and explained some of the basic things about Christianity and she seemed to recognize some of the things Jake talked about. "That actually sounds very similar to one of our religions."
"Interesting, ummm if you don't mind my asking are you a Christian Twilight?" Jake asked. However before Twilight could answer the two were interrupted by Pinkie Pie balancing on a large ball while juggling and rolling across the street in front of them.
"Well that was random."
"No that was Pinkie Pie. Oh look we're here." Twilight announced as they arrived at her castle "Sorry Jake but I think we should continue this discussion tomorrow, I really want to scan you and make sure you're alright right now."
"Twilight I really think we should-" Jake started to persuade but Twilight interrupted.
"Jake please allow me to finish this, if there's another spell affecting you I want to make sure it's gotten rid of. Now get moving, I'll need to let the Princess know about this as well." Twilight said pushing Jake forward with her magic.
Jake reluctantly gave in and this officially ended Jake and Twilight's talk for the day.
If this turns out that jake has actually been created by the ponies I'm going to be so mad
6293899 Those were just false memories Tempest tried to get Jake to believe earlier in the story so that if Celestia got too curious he'd simply tell her that he had created Jake, and since Jake would've had his mind altered to believe it himself no one would've known the truth, fortunately Jake managed to escape before any of that happened, although it would be an interesting plot twist if it did turn out Jake was created by the ponies.
6293913
Oh ok thanks for clearing that up for me at least
Edit: I did as well, so I'm not nitpicking that. This chapter had very, very poor dialogue (no offense). The human studies 101 is unneeded, so is the religion parallels - though you already know that. I'd have released this in a blog asking if you should add it before publishing it. Do that if you're unsure about a (relatively) short chapter.
The dialogue during his brain spasm was painful to read, it was too wooden. Assuming you did actually remove the spell, you missed out on some opportunites for later conflict. Especially since the process to cause the human to be under those effects took a long time (even if it never finished) so it should take time to remove them. Methinks Twilight temporarily dispelled the effects.
6293995 If it bothers you what would you've said. (also that line was kind of a joke on myself since I actually nearly forgot about this plot-point until now LOL)
6294009 I accidentally commented too early, see my edit (the one I was writing unknowing of your reply). Sorry.
Editing for lols: Overall this was too fast in the pacing. You could still do all of this (even if 90% is likely unneeded), but you need to slow it down. Have him say odd words and not realise it and even deny saying them could be one option. Then Twilight scans him and removes it. It was waaay too fast. And I'd scrap the religion bit and the Pinkie bit altogether. I'm still trying to figure out how the discussion got to that.
6294035 Yeah I guess it was kinda poorly written, I just couldn't get it out right, as for a blog about the story I'm wondering how that works exactly do I have to write a blog from my user page or is it something else, also I don't have many followers yet so I don't think too many people would actually see it. I'm no expert on describing humanity, and as for the religious stuff, it was kinda personal since I am a Christian. I'll probably see if I can fix it later.
How... can you... forget about... being mind controlled?!?! x 1,000.
That's not a thing most would forget about. Well then again, there are a lot of things most people would do that this character has not... like being a likeable character.
6294066 You can tag a blog to a story (I.e. this one) so people following this will see the blog (unless they disable that).
I can respect that it's your religion, but unless he's giving a history lesson I'd leave it (you can't really teach human history without religion).
I'm probably being harsh on the chapter though. The later in the day it is, the more cynical and critical I am. It's 10:30.
You don't need to be an expert on humans if your character isn't. He's a human, which makes him qualified enough. As are you.
6294123 Honestly it was kind of a joke on myself since I actually forgot about that part of the story until now. Also he had other things to think about since it stopped bothering him, like evading his pursuers, where he could hide, how does he get home, what are the princesses going to do to me, should I escape the castle or stay and see what happens? Things like that, the mind control thing took a backseat to everything else.
Also Jake's not that bad of a character
6294157
You're kidding, right?
6294207 I said not that bad, I didn't say he was good just not THAT bad. If you've got suggestions on how to make him better feel free to list them.
One quick thing He asks Twilight if she is christian but how can she be one if she just heard about it and had no idea who Jesus was before that moment. Unless there is a pony Jesus none of us have seen
6295685 She said Christianity was similar to one of the religions on her world, I just wasn't clever enough to come up with a name for it. So instead of being a "Christian" she could be a member of that religion which I didn't name which is intended to be the mlp version of Christianity. Does this make sense?
6295721 yes that makes sense but it is very confusing if you dont have a name for the other religion
6296645 I'm open to suggestions, (I wanted a clever name, not something like ponyanity, orsomething) how does Bibliopony sound cause it kinda has the word Bible in it, or do you think it sounds dumb?
Teeeeeeeemmmmmmmmpppppppest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oh no. OH no is right.(1 hour later) that felt great killing tempest.
6294207
Fuck of mate. If your hate is equal to your level of masterbate, then we don't need ya!