I am a philosopher and spiritualist, I like to help others when I can.
This is about how the Cakes would start their morning and work throughout the day preparing then delivering a big order for the Grand Galloping Gala, from the little things like breakfast. Making sure someone can watch Pound and Pumpkin Cake, to the bigger things like delivery of the order. Just another day in Sugar Cube corner.
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Two problems: 1). This is incredibly boring. Dialogue, please? And 2). The grammatical errors here and there.
Nice try.
To be honest, I'm with 5996690 hi Needs at least a few lines of talking. i did notice the occasional grammar error here and there but that is to be expected from a first story. You think this was a flop? You should see the one I deleted! it was so bad that it brought me to tears when I read it later. of course, that was when I was stuck on mobile. if you ever want help or a proofread just let me know! I'm here and ready to help!
6005797 If I make another attempt, I will give you a shout.
6005821 great! I hope I can be a service in any way I can!
6010230 Thank you, you are most kind
I generally reserve more thorough comments for when people ask for it. I tend to keep comments 'affirmative-only' unless otherwise requested, but I think there are some things that - based upon other comments I see - warrant some suggestions. I think the topic choice is interesting. You just don't see a lot of in-depth info regarding the Cake family. SoL stories do tend to drag a bit because they don't necessarily center around a particular enthralling piece of action, but I think you could really mitigate a lot of that drawback simply by boosting your descriptive power.
For example, one thing I noticed while reading is that there are places where it feels as though events are being listed as opposed to experienced. What I'm referring to are the sequences that follow a 'he did this, then this, then this' pattern. My suggestion here would be to try to expand upon the moment. There is no rush - so to speak. There were also areas that I think you could really poke an enhancement by jumping into some details. My example here would be the process of making the desserts. The only solid descriptor here was that they could make Pinkie drool. I think you should dive in here. Don't have the senses be passively told from afar. Jump into the process and convey it. The succulent aroma of the pastries saturated the bakery as Mr. Cake toiled between his love of sweets and the love for his foals....
In a piece such as this, where you're giving a snippet, the glory of the details can really generate a much richer reading experience. Anyhoo, those are my two cents. Apologies for posting them when they were not asked for, but I definitely think - considering that I see you're more than capable of constructing the roots of a story - that my suggestions can be helpful. :)
Hey thanks for the sub. How did you already find me and I just got my account today?
6050880 Thank you, I will keep your comments in mind.
6102389 Glad you found it useful.
I liked it.
I want to see how you would write both a normal day in Ponyville for the Cakes and also how they would deal with an invasion, such as Tirek. I would like to see an interpretation of how the two would deal with that. Nice job /)
6208858 Thank you very much
Yeah, I'm with 6010230. I can help out with a good slice of life story too, I mean look how well Equestria High turned out for me.
You ever need help, don't be scared to give me a shout.
I really enjoyed this story. It was nice to get a detailed glimpse into the Cake's lives and the place that Pinkie Pie has in Sugarcube Corner. Well done! Thank you for posting this.
6225723 Welcome, and thank you
6225736 I do hope you write and post more stories, soon.
6225743 I will try, probably most be "day in the life of" stuff though
6225767
Nice! You do it well I look forward to it
Noting what DerpyMuffin7 said I can only disagree and say that I didn't find it boring at all. I intepreted it as a kind of Day-In-The-Life documentary style story that gave us all a wonderful glimpse into the lives of the Cakes. Frankly, I enjoy that kind of thing from time to time and it serves to help flesh out and add substance to the otherwise relatively barren and two-dimensional view we get in the series episodes.
As for gramatical errors, well, I'm sure there isn't a brony or pegasister alive who hasn't dealt with those at some point, including our very blunt DerpyMuffin7. After all, none of us are perfect nor shall we ever be. That's why we practice and strive to improve our craft from chapter to chapter or story to story. That is, after all, what the mechanics of the art of writing are about.
I'm sure that, given time and practice of your own, you'll improve far beyond anyone's expectations and end up surprising us all. At least I hope so.
5996690
Very unkind approach. You should rethink it.
I don't think Spike has ever play with the Cake Twins.
Overall, this story is cute. Simple, yet pretty cute and neat.
Great work, I like what I read.
“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
This was a very cute story, shows how hard work and determination can pay off. And how honesty can also be its own reward.