APimpNamedSlickback
Joined 20th Dec, 2011 ·
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supernoona.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/dafuq-snape-i7.jpg
no, just no!
Okay, not a bad idea, blood play is out there, and I do believe everyone is welcome, but I'd say this story needs one hell of a brushing up.
http://iambrony.com/gif/1633
I LOVED! MAKE MOAR! I MUST HAVE MOAR! THIS WAS AWESOME!
Dear Lord... Wall-of-text writing, check. Bad grammar, check. Totally out-of-character characters, freakin' double check.
Congrats, your fic meets all necessary criteria to get roasted on an MPPT3K.
. . . You know, I'd use my trademarked "THE POWER OF NO COMPELS YOU" comment, but this just isn't worth it.
Dat chapter name.
No..... just absolutely fucking NO!!!!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_md1hhizdld1rcts4xo1_400.gif
Gotta love that name though.
So, Yeah! That was an experience I'm going to try my hardest to FORGET. Let's get started, shall we?
1. Even though this story doesn't have much spoken dialogue, you forgot a important rule. New speaker, new paragraph. ALWAYS.
2. A little bit of backstory would have been nice before thrusting us into this,(no pun intended) I know that this isn't book, but you gave no reason to have any of this happen.
3. I don't like M/M clop personally, but I can't fault you for it. I don't know how it's done because I don't read it. But I will ask, what the hell was with the cutting? Why did Flim get his d
ck cut off? Explain maybe?
Or don't. In fact, don't. I don't wanna know.
Final grade:C
I don't know how M/M clop is written, thus I can't really review it to the best of my ability. I will give you points for mostly having decent grammar and spelling. Hopefully, someone else can give this the review it deserves.
Howling at you from here to the netherworld,
twow443, TWE's Psychotic Demon Wolf
1579738 You called, my friend?
To the author: I see what you're doing. You sought to create a story that was so poorly written, so shameless, so ungodly terrible, that no one would dare to review it. And I bet you thought you succeeded. Well, I've got one thing to say to you, buddy:
YOU'RE WRONG!!
TWE's FoughtDragon01 here to try and fix whatever the f
ck this is supposed to be. Let's not waste any time and dive into this bitch.
Let's begin from the front page. First, the title:
Nothing too glaring, though I can't help but feel that there should be a colon after 'Big Mac'. You know, something like this:
But that's just the small stuff. We didn't even get into the nitty gritty yet. Let's move on to your description. Put simply, it's bad. It's bad because it's poorly written. The punctuation is an absolute mess, and you spelled Soarin's name wrong. I don't know if you just assume that people won't read your description, but they will, and if they see errors in that, then they're going to assume that the same errors will be in your story as well. That's more than enough to turn away a lot of potential readers, something that I assume you don't want. So, before we go a single step further, I'm going to fix this up for you, however futile it may be to save the abomination lurking further inside.
There we go. Better, but not by much. Even though it may be mechanically sound, this description still fails at what it's supposed to be best at, and that's drawing the reader in. You're supposed to do more than just lay down the bare bones premise and call it a day. You have to make it sound interesting. That's the key word here: interesting. If you fail to do that, if you fail to capture the reader's interest, then what's stopping them from simply turning away in boredom? Curiosity, maybe, but you can't rely on that alone. You need to meet them halfway. This thing fails to do that. Let's try and spice it up a bit.
Whether or not this version's any better is a matter of opinion, but the point is that it establishes the main premise in a more interesting way than 'Flim and Flam get into an argument about who f
cks better. Sh
t ensues.' It's just something to consider, and I heavily suggest you consider it in the future.
Now, we get to the big one. The elephant in the room. The thing I've been dreading to go over since I began writing this thing: the story itself. Before we even get started, let me just say that I was never a big fan of clopfics, not even the good ones. I'm even less of a fan of M/M, but goddammit, if I see a writer in need, I'll be damned before I at least try to help out. I just felt the need to lay this all on the table because I did not 'read' read this thing. I just sort of skimmed through it, but saw more than enough to rant about. So, without further ado, let's do this.
Now, because I didn't read this thing in its entirety, I won't go into a huge rant about the plot (well, that's sort of a lie), but I know that you, as a writer, must know that starting a story out like this…
…is not the best way to start. There's putting your wrong foot forward, and then there's kicking your viewer in the balls. One will simply leave a bad first impression, while the other will ruin whatever chances you had with them from the word 'go'. How about some background? Last I checked, the Flim Flam brothers hated the Apple family, Big Mac being no exception, and didn't even know Soarin, so why are they suddenly arguing about who can give the better pony ride? Some background would've been nice. Hell, just saying that they had repressed feelings about the studly farm stallion would've probably sufficed. I mean, come on. Who would't go gay for a piece o' this:
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111110054616/mlp/images/2/2e/Big_McIntosh_onstage_S2E05.png
Someday. Someday.
……
Ahem, getting back on topic, background can go a long way. People generally like a story that's believable, and this is doubly true for shipfics and clopfics alike. Just stating that two characters are in love and leaving it at that is rarely ever going to rub the reader the right way, especially if it's such an odd pairing like this. Put simply, if you don't give us a reason why the brothers are suddenly head over hooves for both Big Mac and Soarin (which still confuses me), then you're not going to get a lot of positive feedback.
But I didn't even get into the meat of it yet, did I? Right, before we get to the real 'juicy' stuff, let's talk about your formatting for a second. There a few major things I want to point out, starting with this:
I don't know what you were thinking when you put this there, but it's not a good thing. If you can't establish that we're in Sweet Apple Acres with description instead of flat-out telling us, then you might want to consider a different past time. It's not even that hard. Hell, just having the Apple family in the scene would probably be enough to tip us off that we're on the farm, assuming your writing is there to meet the task. This sort of thing just screams 'amateur', and trust me, people chew up amateurs and spit them out. Put shortly, get rid of it. Unfortunately, the problems don't end there.
Every single paragraph is riddled with errors of all kinds, from capitalization to punctuation, it's all just a mess. Grammar's alright, but that's about it. Let's take this one for example:
Where do I even begin with this one. For starters, the largest offender in this paragraph is the inclusion of more than one speaker. Here's a new lesson for you: one–and only one!–speaker per paragraph. If there is a new speaker, then you begin a new paragraph for that character. If the speaker changes again, you begin another paragraph, and so on and so forth. Now that that bomb has been promptly dealt with, we can move on to others things. As I've said already, the punctuation and capitalization in this is all sorts of f
cked up. I could go in depth and explain what's wrong with this, but I think it'd be better to show you a corrected version of this. Then we'll talk about what was wrong and promptly fixed. Let's begin:
Much, much better. We have broken down what used to be a daunting wall of text into four nice, small paragraphs. However, there are still other things I feel are worth pointing out. For one, I'm not sure if you know how to use commas, but I suggest looking them up, because there were several places in that paragraph alone that could've used a comma or two. Speaking of which, let's take a look at a sentence in particular:
F
cking run-on sentence. This is a major no-no for any story. Having just one is pretty much the same as sentencing your story to death. They're awkward, annoying, and can break flow quicker than you can say 'F
ck this sh
t'. I see two, maybe even three sentences in there, and I'm gonna make them come out. Gimme a sec:
There. Now, here's another piece of advice. I strongly suggest reading your stories back to yourself. This will not only make it easier to spot spelling, punctuation, and other such errors, but also point out any sentences that sound awkward to say. Believe me, if a sentence sounds awkward to say, then it's probably awkwardly phrased, and could do well for a rewriting.
As for the actual clop? Not even gonna touch that. Like I said, I was never a big fan of the stuff, so I definitely couldn't give you any advice on how to make it better. I didn't even have to stomach to read the whole scene, let alone read it critically enough to critique it. But going off of what I skimmed over, it gave me war flashback to Sweet Apple Massacre. That's not a good thing. Far, far from it.
Parting thoughts? Didn't like it, and not simply because it's a clopfic. In its current state, this story is just bad. I'd say it's terrible, but then I'd just be repeating what everyone else already said. The story's premise alone is unusual enough, and would require some damn good writing to make it something decent, and even then, that sounds like a difficult task. I suggest either a rewrite or a purging via deletion effective immediately. Perhaps try something a bit more… innocent than a clopfic. Slice of life oneshot, perhaps? I always think that every writer has the potential to become great; you're no exception. It just takes a bit more work for some to use that potential to its fullest.
Goodbye, and best of luck to you.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
~FoughtDragon01–TWE's 'Not-so-nice' Nice Guy
1580132 Thank you. I wasn't in the right mind to be able to leave a good review,(not that I ever am)
Oh, and good idea for not touching the clop. *shudders*
I..no..no, I'm going to hell because this gave me a half hard boner
im.......im stund at this fic
it makes me siker to think that my (member) is still hard
my shower is still dead
and my cathrin wants sex
i dont know what to do
whhhy....god righting by the way
I'll stop writing for a bit.
Oh, look! my good friend APimpNamedSlickback wrote a stoy! commence read!
*reads*
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Don't really know what to say.
I've read (and written) worse.
decent grammar, you need to start a new line every time there's a new speaker, ease of the caps lock
I have no opinion on this fic
daaaaaammmmmnnnnnnnn this is bad and i have not even got my story done so thats saying alot
supernoona.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/dafuq-snape-i7.jpg
Holy fuc-
What the hel-
What... What in the name of fucking HELL is this bullshit?
@_@ ...not my cup of tea, but not going to down vote...
1583681 I hate your story, but love your username. "It's like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thang."
i37.photobucket.com/albums/e96/Thanquil/nope.gif
How is this a crosssover?
We do not approve of this blasphemy of our awseomness.
Oh look, another "I'm bored and can't think of anything good to write, so I'll throw a bunch of incoherent shit together and see if I get a cheap laugh"-fic. Seriously, don't we have more than enough of this shit already?
At least I hope that's what this was supposed to be. If you were genuinely trying to be sexy with this you failed on every conceivable level.
P.S. : Rape =/= 'Romance'. Just saying.
1863172 u mad
1690082cant spell your own names.lolz
*Browsing flim and flam fics for some god forsaken reason*
Do dodo dodooooo... hmm... this one has a LOOOOOT of red on its rating bar...
I GUESS I SHOULD READ IT LIKE AN IDIOT
*reads*
Well, now my parents are wondering why I was bawling in the shower. Thanks a lot.
This... this is beauty in its purist form I LOVE IT
1690082 Oh, yeah. They can't spell their own names!
You must be fakes! I'M Flim.
I liked it