Sketching
I stared at the blank page before me. It's pristine white surface begging to have gray pencil marks upon it.
What to sketch... What to sketch...
I already draw lots of ponies. I draw winged lions. I have an adorable turtle in my sketchbook somewhere. Few hybrids here and there. My right hand began to fiddle with the Number 2 Pencil I was holding.
I sighed and sketched a sideways pencil with two music notes sticking out of the bottom. What I believed to be my cutie mark. I grabbed my colored pencils and began to color it in. I released another sigh.
C'mon, ! Surely you can sketch something new!
Right?
I drop the pencil while I felt the lack of inspiration soaking into me.
I could make more OCs... Ugh! But I have no idea what to do for their hair!
I put my face against the table I was sitting at.
After a few minutes, I got up and walked away from my sketchbook that was opened to another clean page.
I walked around looking for inspiration.Maybe... No, I already did that. Oh! How about... Wait, I already did that too...
I sighed again.
To Google, I guess.
I grabbed my iPad and began searching my favorite MLP characters.
Come on... Please, please, pleeease give me something to base a sketch off of!
Hmm...
Maybe... I do like her mane, but I should change it a bit...
...
Perfect... Great. Ingenious!
I ran back to the table, grabbed the pencil, and sat down. I sketched the basic shapes of pony: circle, oval, line, line, line, line, line. I turned the circle into a sphere by adding two curved lines.
Foreleg. Foreleg. Hind leg. Hind leg. Ear. Wings. Eye. Eye. Muzzle. Mane. Tail.
I stared at my product: a pegasus with a DJ Pon-3-like mane and tail looking directly at me.
I sketched the cutie mark I had made on the previous page on her flank.
I began coloring once more.
Black pupils. Green irises. Turquoise stripe in mane and tail. Purple mane and tail. Orange hooves that faded as they closer to the top. Orange ear that faded as it got closer to the face. Orange contour feathers. Yellow body.
I smiled at my complete work.
I usually feel accomplished when I finish a drawing, but right now I feel... complete? No. Happy? Yes, but that's not it.
I pondered a bit more until I realized how I felt.
I felt... at home looking at her.
My pegasus.
Musical Sketch.
I put my index finger on her...
And blacked out?
Ugh... My head is pounding... I groggily opened my eyes. A bit blurry for a few seconds, but I blinked in surprised at what I saw. It was the inside of a house, but... it didn't look familiar, but it also did look familiar?
I began racking my brains for clues.
Come on! Why did this place look familiar? You have to know...
Wait...
What... What's my name?
And oh my God... I can't remember my own name! How can I not remember my own name?! You can't just forget your name!
...
Can you?
Quick! Think of the last thing I did!
Um...
Something... Something about a sketch, and something about turquoise, purple, green, orange, and yellow, but what?
I scanned my surrounding for more clues.
Birdhouses dangled from the houses ceiling. Familiar yet unfamiliar. Huge hole in the ceiling. Someone should fix that. I realized I was on a couch. How did I not notice that? Um... Stairs and doorway. Pale walls. Wooden floor. White rabbit in front of my face...
Wait... What?
"Um... Hi?"
The rabbit tilted his or her head and hopped away into the doorway.
"O-oh," a voice whispered, "she is? Okay, I'll be right back."
A gentle yellow winged pony with a long, soft pink mane and tail. On her butt... or is it flank?.. we're three pink butterflies with teal bodies.
My head began to pound harder as I tried to figure why she (I think) looked familiar yet unfamiliar.
"Um, hi," she whispered. Her big teal eyes were adorable. "Um, are you okay? That is if you don't mind me asking..." She began to hide behind her luscious mane.
"I'm fine." Well, at least my voice sounds familiar! "Thank you for, uh, helping me, I think." She nodded.
"Of course. By the way, I'm Fluttershy."
Suddenly, a ton of thoughts began to run through my mind.
Kindness. Scared. Quiet. Animals.
I gripped my head in pain. Wait... Do I have hooves?!
Angel Bunny. Discord. Stage-fright. Singing.
"Are you okay," Fluttershy asked. The pounding increased.
"I don't know," I whispered through the pain.
"Angel! Go tell a bird to tell Owliwicious to tell Twilight something!" More thoughts on something came.
Lavender. Magenta. Horn. Wings.
I screamed in pain. My head felt like it was splitting open! Tears leaked from my eyes.
Library. Dragon. Protege. Magic. Friendship.
"Help," I said with my voice cracking.
Castle. Elements. Tree. Books. Unicorn. Alicorn. Princess.
I screamed louder than before as the pain intensified even more. Different thoughts began to surface.
Celestia. Luna. Cadence. Sun. Moon. Love. Nightmare Moon. Sombra. Chrysalis. Tirek. Rainbows.
I felt a warm being touching me. No... Hugging me.
"Don't worry. We're getting help.
More thoughts.
Rainbow Dash. Loyalty. Sonic Rainboom. Red, blue, yellow lightning bolt.
Mane 6.
More thoughts surfaced.
Rarity. Pinkie Pie. Applejack. Generous. Laughter. Honesty.
I opened my eyes, but I could only see white. Tears began streaming down my face faster. Or is it my muzzle now?
Dresses. Parties. Apples. Little sister. Employers' kids. Big brother and little sister and grandma.
I continued screaming. So much pain. I'm probably hurting Fluttershy's ears like crazy right now.
A final thought entered my mind. My name.
Musical Sketch.
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5985790
I draw a lot and have a passion for singing.
What I draw is good for my age.
I also sing well.
5985819
I don't know. It seemed right.
Your paragraphs need to be different lengths, not just one line. Every. Single. Time. It gets boring to look at and read.
I'm in the midst of down-voting this or not, but really there's no purpose to down-voting, so I won't. Try to work on that (plus a few grammar issues) in your writing and you should be set to give it a go. Oh and we're the same age! Not many 13 year olds on this site.
5985841
That's 'cause teens are too cool for MLP.
5985850 *Clears Throat*
I beg your pardon? I suppose since I'm 17 I must be too cool.
Try not to make generalizations, they can end badly if they're about the wrong thing.
Anyway, about the story, here's what I thought about it so far:
Emerald Skies is right, avoid making that many line breaks. I know that doing that helps to put emphasis on certain things, but using for an entire chapter/story is not only visually unappealing, but it also breaks the flow of the story, which isn't something you want for the entire story. For example (if I may), I'll rewrite the first paragraph or so to flow better.
There's just a certain flow in the story that is achieved by breaking it up into larger chunks of writing while still avoiding the "wall of text". It's also good to write in past tense for first-person fics, as well as separating the internal thoughts of the character in some way from the actions (as I did in the rewritten part).
As for the drawing sequence, I wouldn't have put every little detail about how it's drawn without expanding on it and making it one paragraph. I'm not going to write that one, because it would take up more of my time than I care to put into it (that and I don't actually know much about drawing, music is my forte), but something along the lines of "I sketched out the base, and added in the vital parts: legs, eyes, hair, ears...", just expanded and expressed well enough that the reader can picture it happening.
Again, as with the rest of the chapter, the memories should be separated from the action as internal monologue. I would also, get rid of some of it, because it goes on for a little while longer than most would have the patience to read.
Overall, it's not a bad story, but you have fallen prey to one of the most cliche things on this site: A self-insert, human-turned-pony-OC-in-Equestria fanfiction. I've read a few that were actually good, but not many, mind you. A good example would be TD the Alicorn Princess, which most people on here would agree is an incredible story. Though not precisely the same premise as human-turned-pony-OC-in-Equestria, it stands out because of the ability of the writer to write a convincing character and thought-out storyline.
Please don't take this as me hating on every part of your story, I'm trying to help your story and your writing ability in general.
This story's main character slightly reminds me of myself... I do sketches. But I also do stories... and programming... and medium-hard difficulty algebra without a calculator... and electronics repair... Ok I do everything. But my personal style with sketching is I do a pseudo-3d/realism/trace style without color- I rely on pressure and shading for part of the effect. I've got multiple drawings based on my current fic-in-progress, Living Hell, but that's another matter. If you want to see my style, just look at the cover for Living Hell, I did the most realistically proportionate human face I could on the left half. and TBH, the human half is actually based on my face IRL. Even the hairstyle; that hair style is so me it's literally not only my everyday formal hairstyle but it's actually become my bedhead. I go to bed, I sleep,I wake up and go to a mirror, I shake my head, maybe comb down a few strays, then it looks maybe a little greasy but still, makes life easier I guess. Whatever I'm freaking rambling. I have a DeviantArt, if you follow me there maybe I'll occasionally scan and upload one or two of those sketches using the living room printer (like I did with the cover of Living Hell, minus the lot of resizing I had to do to get FiMFiction to accept it.)
5986351
Thanks for the tips! And I'm thinking of everything in the story, therefor, everything written is my thought so it's pointless to seperate it.
The drawing scene is based off what I actually do.
And I'll fix that paragraph thing.
5986441 Well, yes, I do see that most of it is in Musical Sketch's head, but I meant more like an actual thought, like something that could be said out loud without getting strange looks from people. You wouldn't really say everything that you were doing out loud.
Also, glad you responded, it makes me glad to see people that actually respond to feedback!
I love it! Also love the drawing, and amazing cutie mark idea! I usually can't think of cutie marks or names. This story reminds me of what I do. Drawing is really one of the only things I do in my free time, but sometimes I can't think of what to draw. In other words, awesome job.
5986571
Wait...
Oh okay. I get it
Sure, I'll change.
5986798
I adore my drawing...
I'm glad you like it too!