If life throws shit at you, take that shit and make something great. That'll show life!!!!!!
This fic is mainly about my OC, Apis Fera, trying to find the perfect Beehive and synthesize the materials to help make grand architecture for the equestrian ponies. Too bad two scouts from TheHive overheard his plans with Twilight. What will ensue when he is on his search? What lies in that forest he will journey into?
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Thats look bad
Better would be like
"OCNAME is on quest to find "
Second Twilight is name then should be capitalized and after dot there should be capitalization too. Sorry but that description make me to just leave this fic not giving it chance
Reminds me of when I was a young and lonely little satan trying to make it in life.
Hail Satan.
5971354
I think I found your problem. Everyone reads the description. If the description doesn't sound interesting, nobody is going to bother reading the story. If you don't put the effort in to make that little bit of text eyecatching, it turns potential readers off. You don't need to say it's about your OC, either. There's an OC tag for a reason.
Also pretty important is the chapter titles. "Insert Original Name" is the kind of chapter title you'd see in a crackfic, trollfic or joke chapter in a more serious fic. Since there's no Comedy tag, I'm guessing it's neither of the first two, and since it's the very first chapter, it's probably not a joke chapter.
With that out of the way, let's give the fic a look and see what we've got.
Fic needs the Human tag. The "Human in Equestria after unfortunate death" trope is a turn-off for a lot of readers, btw. A lot of fics that go that route are about young characters with tortured pasts or hard lives, who go to Equestria as their big second chance, become instant friends with the Mane 6 and fall in love with one/all of them and/or the Princess/es. You didn't do that, which is good, but some people are gonna give you a dislike after that line.
That's all the backstory you're giving us? You skipped literally everything about him dying, coming to Equestria, meeting Celestia, getting used to his new body and adjusting to pony society. This would be fine if you were writing a comedy fic, not so much for an adventure. If it was a sequel, and you already had a fic where all that stuff was explained, you could get away with it as well. But at least it's straightforward and has zero angst, which is great for an HiE fic!
Is Apis being a former human really necessary, though? Why not just a normal pony, who came to Ponyville to study the bees that live in the Everfree? The point of having a human-turned-pony protagonist is the culture shock, and them getting used to a new society and world. We don't see any of that, though. From what little we do see, he's already completely used to everything. Him being from another world doesn't seem to have much impact on the story, the characters around him or his own actions.
The dialogue is okay so far. Not great, not terrible, just okay, We have no idea about Twilight and Apis' relationship, though. That's one of the things that got skipped over, but they seem to be really good friends. Y'know, with him not caring that she's a Princess or anything.
So... does Apis live at the castle? Work there? Will he turn into a pumpkin if he's not back by then?
And this is all we're told about his walk through the dangerous Everfree. Even just a line saying he followed the path to Zecora's place or stayed near the forest's edge would be nice. It's a big, wild, dangerous place; sure, there might be days that it's almost safe, but some more detail would be nice. Did he stop by Fluttershy's place? I'm sure she'd know if there were any beehives nearby, living near the Everfree as she does, or be able to ask her animals if they'd seen any.
These little asides to the reader don't really work in this fic. It also doesn't make much sense in this line. Is honey-roasted peanuts a joke? Should we be surprised by it? Shocked? I get it, he studies bees and is eating food with honey in it, but that's really worth drawing attention to?
Silly Twilight. Facehooves aren't what you do when someone who studies bees wants to to find an exceptional hive.
Why not just take a sample from any old beehive, then? Surely the only difference would be the size of the hive. It's not like a big hive is made out of some miraculous substance. They're all made in hollow trees and the like, right? And they're all built with wax? Even if what Apis wanted was an example of how larger hives are built, the actual structure wouldn't be that different to a normal hive. It's a minor issue, but I'd like to know what's so important about finding the hypothetical Mega Hive.
It's also worth noting that we've already seen pony beekeepers in the show. The Apples have bees, so why not study them, or see if there are wild hives in the Whitetail Woods, instead of going into the dangerous Everfree?
Because the Changelings, who apparently live in a hive that they built themselves, need a human-turned-pony to help them rebuild it instead of doing whatever they did to build it in the first place. And what were the two changelings doing outside his window to start with? More importantly, how did the changelings, who were in a tree outside, a tree that reaches the third floor of the castle, hear what was being said in the castle's dining room, on an entirely different floor? Were they eavesdropping at the dining room's window, then flew up to the tree to watch Apis in his room? Did nobody notice two ponies acting suspicious? Were they even disguised?
If they need someone who specialises in bees and hives to help them, why not just abduct a bee-keeper pony, instead of the Princess' friend who lives with her?
Also, Queen should be capitilised.
Overall, it's an alright first story. It needs some polish, mostly in the scene setting and character/world building, but there aren't many spelling/grammar/etc errors that I noticed. The plotholes are easy enough to ignore, except for the changelings wanting Apis to help rebuild their hive. That just doesn't make sense to me.
With a little bit of work, this could be really good, instead of just alright.:twilightsmile
6008313 Hopefully you'll keep writing. I'm sure whatever you come up with next will be better recieved.
6008325 Nobody starts off good.
It takes time, effort and learning from your mistakes to get any good. I learned that the hard way.
I hope you stick with it.