- Member Since 6th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 6th, 2023
TheMultiBrony21
Hi, I love making fan-fics, listening to good music, and Derpy Hooves.
TheMultiBrony21
Joined 6th Sep, 2014 ·
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6295352 It's my first story, give me a break.
I thought it was sorta okay.
Only thing I could say is that there could have been some more content in between the characters meeting, even for a one shot.
I did not mean anything I said in a horrible way. it just surprised me.
>>Man on the Moon and umm I am a girl.
6295754 Vell zhat vas unexpected
I edited it with more of a story this time.
*nods* pretty solid story for a first timer the premise has promise but for a longer more detailed story not just a oneshot if it was me I would have Done a flash back in the beginning to the first date then would have fleshed the characters out with some monologue from the main character which explained what led up to deeply trusting him enough to reveal her true form then yeah sex away all you want. And don't listen to what any one says the only way you can get better as a writer is to have others critic your work so keep writing can't wait to see what you come with next
6299517 Thanks! Hope that you like whatever I make next!
You earned a follow and good job on your story
6315995 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Huh, only 4. That's kinda tame for DaB.
this is very well done albeit with some errors but dont change what youre doing with the story line
and just for kicks
All I did was ask a few questions and give you a few tips on how to make the story better, just deleting my comment out of the blue like that is very immature.
No offence, but do you really want your style to be: 'That person with cool ideas but that's sadly near unreadable because he thinks spell-checking is beneath him?'
The good: Cool idea having a pony in the human world that somehow can take human form, but still wants companionship and confines in a lover. The 'animal bride' is a really old story type, and I don't think I've ever seen it done with ponies before.
The bad: The idea is really badly executed. The whole thing doesn't feel like the blooming of true love strong enough for Delilah to actually risk revealing her secret, but a really strange one-night-stand.
Still, all in all, I think this could be really good if expended into a multi-part story were the characters' are actually allowed to get to know each other more organically and you work on that spelling.
Oh, and welcome to Fimfiction. I do hope your first effort falling a bit flat doesn't stop you from trying again.
6316378 I deleted it by accident, sorry.
6319023 It doesn't matter, whats done is done. Anyway If you are looking for someone to pre-read your stories, just shot me a PM,
6319033 K thanks!
6601900
6601949
Awkward boner is awkward
Im giving it a thumbs up.
7203218 Thank you!
It was... Interesting... But really paced badly...
This was really sweet. A little fast paced but eh I don't care.
8141991
Thanks!
The pacing was horrid, but the story itself was decent. If you have the time, I suggest you should make a redux. Longer, more detailed and better paced.
Basically the concept on the story is nice, but it could be executed better.
8383011
Will do! Also, check out my other, more popular fanfiction titled "Nine Ponies one human"
I fixed the story up! Now if only more people would like it. I did put a lot of effort into this btw.
9005405
Then you should have posted the story separately over fixing this one.
sorry m8, gonna have to drop a dislike on this one. the pacing was about a hundred miles an hour too fast for me. The "action" portion was sinfully short.