That night was one of the most difficult nights of my life. As I rifled through those pages, trying so desperately to absorb what I could about magic, I came to the realization that my knowledge was nonexistent. Despite knowing full well that I was to pursue magic, I didn’t have a single idea on where to start. Even the book that was meant to be the most basic of introductions still flew over my head at a dizzying height. It was as though I were pursuing a life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine.
That’s when I realized how hopeless my situation truly was. I wasn’t ready to embark into this brave new world of magic, instead I was simply joining in on a pursuit that I knew nothing about. As I sat there, flipping through the mangled pages of that library book, I began to doubt everything that I had believed.
You’re destined to live in misery. The thought began to ring through my mind as I started focusing on every problem that I would never overcome. This life, this world that I so desperately wanted to enter was not only foreign, but now barred from me. I had been ordered to stay out of the union, the one place where I truly belonged. I yearned to join the classes on magic, to study with the greatest professors of my time to learn the secrets of the world. I wanted to be somepony that I wasn’t, and I was realizing that I would never become that pony.
I scanned to the end of the book and read the final conclusion.
This book has laid down many of the most basic principals of common magic. With this knowledge, you should be able to tackle the beginnings of magical theory with a basic understanding about the current thoughts on magic and its employment.
That was it. Nothing more than another open door in a hallway that I had been banned from. I couldn’t even begin to look into magic for myself, because I didn’t even know the basics. This small statement shook me to my core. I wanted to learn, but I was slowly realizing that what the Council had told me was completely true. I was on a plane lower than the unicorns, and their lifestyles were simply unattainable from my perspective. I had no reason to believe that I was going to be able to pursue anything more than a simple life in farming, but I wanted to so desperately.
But what about your cutie mark? What about your destiny? My mind began to urge me to consider the life that I had been so sure of earlier, but it only served to mock me more. This was something I wasn’t able to attain and I was realizing that simple fact.
“Your place is not here.” The words of the Council rang in my ears. This statement, this thought that I truly could not achieve what I wanted, was something that becoming my reality. I had no reason to believe that my life was to be any different than that of the other earth ponies around me. I had deceived myself into thinking that I was somepony special, that I had something that my peers did not. Well, I wasn’t wrong, I had stupidity. I was stupid enough to believe that I could somehow become great, that I would somehow be able to stand with the unicorns as an equal, but I quickly realized that the dream was just that, a dream. I would never become somepony who would break the boundaries of this world, to push the society that had assaulted me to my core. I had been, for all intents and purposes, defeated. This life, it was one that I couldn’t pursue.
That realization was what finally snuffed out my hope. Without that I had nothing. The false images of a future in magic in my mind vanished, and with that, so did my sense of being.
Part of me died that night, a part that I have never found several decades later. This wasn’t something that I wanted to lose, but as I discovered that the world had cheated me out of my one true desire, my view of the world changed. I let that hope go as I stared at that candle with tears streaming down my face. I let it fly away, never to truly be seen again. If I had one wish in life, it would be to regain that hope. For without it, I grew cold.
I took the book that sat before me, the one that had served as such an inspiration so long ago, and pushed it to the floor. I felt nothing as it bounced on the tile, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. My future, as much as I despised it, lay in cereal production. I reached to the shelf once more, removed my Agriculture 101 book, and began to fill my mind with the statistics and data on crop rotation, fertilization, and environmental stasis. This was my life now. I was to be a tender of the land. Nothing more, nothing less.
Looks like a dead end for his pursuit. But perhaps he discovers a connection between the studies of agriculture and what he's already absorbed in the magic classes that kicks him back on track again?
I find it somewhat odd that Starswirl has given up this soon, especially considering that he gained his cutie mark while studying magic. From what has been portrayed thus far, Starswirl seems to be an individual who would not give in so easily, at least not without consulting other options in his pursuit of becoming competent as a person who is knowledgeable on magic. Though I suppose that depends on the importance of one's cutie mark in this world in determining their own path and decision making. Speaking of, why was that not mentioned to the council or anyone else? My impression was that Starswirl came into the University as a blank flank.
Yet after diving deep into a tomb for magic, even if only a rudimentary one, I suspect that some magic oriented individuals would take at least some notice of this occurrence. A cutie mark like that should stick out in some capacity as a sore thumb, assuming of course the ponies in this universe are somewhat familiar with the symbology of cutie marks.
So he failed to gain admittance into the class of magic at the University. Fine, that is one avenue that is blocked. That said, there are various others to be uncovered. Ones that lead to similar possibilities. Would the professor of that class not have connections elsewhere? His characterization strikes me that he would not easily let Starswirl's talent go to waste. (Though this is strictly from my perspective in terms of interpretation. Yours could be meant as something else entirely.)
Just my observations. On this note, perhaps you might wish to refine this chapter when keeping this in mind.
This chapter, eh, sticks out oddly compared to the rest. Given that yes, he is at the bottom, what has given him something to drive for, still rests there. This turnabout seems beyond off to me in how quick it has occurred.
A certain line from Fight Club springs to mind:
Once someone boots Starswirl in the arse and gets him out of his funk, the Council will not know what hit them. I cannot wait to see how he applies his Earth Pony strength and stubbornness to the problem once he cools off and composes himself. Glass ceilings should make a paltry, flimsy barrier against a righteously wronged, deviously clever, well-connected, talented, driven draft horse.
I hope Evenstar can help Starswirl creatively fight back at the Council at their own game. Nothing like a well-connected, resourceful professor with a chip on his shoulder to have as an advisor and ally. I foresee the Council becoming aware of and intimately familiar with the term "Malicious Compliance"...
6771490 Thanks for the criticism! Don't worry, all will be revealed in time. I would have loved to delve deeper into the inner workings of the council and why they made such a seemingly inane decision, but that would have violated the perspective from which the story is written. I do, however, plan to explain exactly what happened at the council and Starswirl's seemingly unreasonable descent.
I can tell you that he's not acting out of character, but that I've hidden certain parts of his character that are hidden from him so that you are asking the same questions he is. Things intentionally don't make sense at this point because at this point, things don't make logical sense to him.
6771648 It's not the fact that it's completely gone, it's the fact that it's decaying. Watching something you've come to identify as begin to wear away and crack can be incredibly devastating. He's slipping.
Chapter XIX
Abandonment
or:
"In Which Depressionsswirl the Mopey Follows the Standard Path of a Psychodelic Killer"
6771490
I get the vibe that he has pretty severe depression, and copes with it by building and living his dreams in his mind. This is just the result of his dreams being shattered so all the emotions pour out freely, logical or not.