Insurgency: Fall of an Empire

Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #1 · Sep 24th, 2015 · · · Prologue ·

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Is Moonlight Sonata related in any way to Sonata Dusk?

jolliapplegirl

jolliapplegirl #2 · Sep 24th, 2015 · · · Prologue ·

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6455154 No, shes just a regular unicorn.

CartsBeforeHorses

CartsBeforeHorses #3 · Oct 4th, 2015 · 3 · · Prologue ·

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This review is brought to you by the group: Authors Helping Authors.

Name of Story: Insurgency
Grammar score out of 10: 5

Pros:
1. I like the snarky protagonist. Snark is difficult to do, but Moonlight Sonata has just the right amount of snark to be quippy, but not too much to be annoying.
2. Generally a good job showing rather than telling, and inserting enough sensory detail to keep it interesting.
3. Left off with a rather curious cliffhanger at the end of chapter one that will keep readers interested.

Cons:
1. I’m by no means a puritan, and swear a lot in my own stories and in real life, but I’d suggest that you tone down the swearing by about 20%. Only because it tends to lose its effect it you have a character swear too much. Entirely your choice though.
2. The grammar could really use some work. See the notes section.
3. The protagonist is not introduced well enough. Please see the notes section.

Notes Section:

You could really use a proofreader. The story suffers from grammar mistakes, words missing in sentences, and some words in some sentences that don't belong there. Such as the following:

"I'd read somewhere that dreams had a meanings."

"I leaned in to take whiff. "

Your sentences tend to suffer from a lack of commas. Generally, you need a comma before a coordinating conjunction, such as ‘and,’ ‘but,’ and ‘or.’ In this case, there should be a comma before “but.”

"I tried to blink them away but they swiftly blinded me, taking with it the beautiful flowers and that foreboding darkness."

Be sure to learn the difference between "there," "their", and "they're." You use the wrong word in this instance. "They're" is a contraction for "they are," while "their" is a plural possessive (i.e. "the kids and their mother"), and "there" is a preposition (i.e. "over there" or "there are a lot")

"They were fairly quiet despite it sounding like they're were a lot of them."

This was a particularly egregious mistake. The word "Savior's" should not be capitalized, nor should it have an apostrophe. The right word is "saviors" (or saviours if you're British )

"I wiped my eyes and looked onto the faces of my Savior's."

About the Protagonist
If I were Moonlight Sonata, my first question would be where I was, and my second question would be how to get home. If I were the ponies who encountered her, I’d ask her who she was, to tell them about herself, where she was from, etc. This would also be a great chance to have the protagonist tell us a bit about herself so that we as the reader can get invested into the character. We only know a few things from the narration, namely that her brother is Heavy Metal, and that her mom can be a nag sometimes. But we don’t know where she’s from, what her occupation is, or even what her special talent is. It’s hard to get invested into a character and what happens to her if we don’t know enough about her. It's not like writing a story about Twilight Sparkle or Rainbow Dash where the audience already knows a fair bit about her. Since you are using an OC, you have to take the time to properly introduce her, and this should be done preferably within the first chapter so that the audience is emotionally invested into what happens to the character.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: The Cake Chronicles

Dreagknight-LostWriter

Dreagknight-LostWriter #4 · Nov 14th, 2015 · · · Prologue ·

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Wow, this surprise me more then I thought it would have. To be honest I was expecting something far different, but what I got her was something that made me laugh, and a good way. I like the protagonist, Moonlight Sonata, but something about her seem off, like there more to her then she actually lets on. The story it self hold more mystery then I thought t would have, left me with a few question I know wont get answered until later on. I found this very amusing, looking forward to see what this have to offered.

Dreagknight-LostWriter

Dreagknight-LostWriter #5 · Jan 15th, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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Don't know why, but this chapter gave me the feeling of this game called: We Happy Few

The Fetish Unicorn

The Fetish Unicorn #6 · Jan 17th, 2016 · · · Prologue ·

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Not a bad first chapter. A lot of swearing, but I could read with that.

CroakyEngine

CroakyEngine #7 · Mar 10th, 2016 · · · Prologue ·

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The first chapter is pretty good, overall. A little too much swearing at times (though just my opinion) and I think it really sets the tone of the story well. We know that this story is not going to be Disney movie, that's for sure. I know that this has already been mentioned before, but the grammar could use a little review. Go to the Proofreaders' group or the Editors' group and request there for a proofreader. Besides that, this is quite interesting, so do carry on.