Lives Change

Bulk Biceps and a changeling try to make a life together but can they really do it? Bulk has been hiding from his past trying not to dwell but can he help the Changeling? Or is the better question can she help him?

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1: discovery · 22nd Mar 2015 · 1,071 words
1,071
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Chapter 2: Big, Red, and Friendly? · 23rd Mar 2015 · 1,141 words
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Chapter 3: Bulks monsters · 13th Apr 2015 · 1,093 words
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Comments ( 29 )

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Bronzedragon

Bronzedragon #1 · Mar 22nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: discovery ·

interesting. I think I'll stay with this for awhile. Found some of the dreaded typos ( see below) nothing major. you might want to read over your story a day or so after you finish it. Perhaps out loud this will help you catch some of these. Good luck.

He would ( ) come closer to her [ have ]
Thesis stopped feeling a pain on one of her wings [ in ] ??
He didn't ran away from a changeling [run]??
but he was used to talk like that. [ talking ]
And then I feel over here.” [ fell ]
i mean yes i can fly [caps ]
"Whats's a changeling?" [ what's ]
You know what i did so why? [ cap ]
should i be arrested [ cap ]
"I-i... Yes please [cap ]

Diamond Sparkle

Diamond Sparkle #2 · Mar 22nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: discovery ·

NIce.

AJ Asui

AJ Asui #3 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: discovery ·

5768630 Thank you this is my first story so i appreciate you telling me what i did wrong. Also you did it in a nice way without being nasty so thanks

5769031 Thank you
i just can't believe someone liked it. I was expecting unhappiness thanks for boosting my confidence

Silver Melodies

Silver Melodies #4 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: discovery ·

Alright, I think I can dig what you're going for here, but allow me to help you out

First, your story needs more punctuation. There are several places where you're missing an apostrophe or a comma. Remember, punctuation helps keep the story flowing smoothly, allowing the reader to take little pauses here and there, have time to take in what's going on. As it is, your story has too many run-on sentences. Consider going through and re-evaluating your sentence structures. It'll help the overall flow of the story progress in a smooth manner.

Second, I feel like the events in your story are a little rushed. It goes like "Bulk found a changeling and took her in" without explaining any events that may or may not have happened before, during, or after the time he found the changeling. It's not ENTIRELY necessary, but it would GREATLY improve the over all story, and give the readers a sense of 'being there' in the story.

Third, you'r dialogue could use a little work. Don't get me wrong, I love the way Bulk is in your story, all his 'yelling' and the fact you put exclamation marks after most of his sentences is awesome. But try and clean up the dialogue as a whole. Add a bit more flavor to their discussion instead of just:

"Are you hurt?"
"I'm hurt"
"Can you fly?"
"No"
"What's a changeling?"

(this is totally not what you did, but it's kinda an example =P)

And add some more details between their talking. Maybe describe the home, describe one of the characters, etc. Add more depth to story outside of just dialogue.

Fourth, there were a few 'plot holes' or whatever you want to call them. The first was why does the changeling not immediately go hostile when she sees Bulk? She's here to fight and take over Equestria. I can understand her waking up and being groggy, but after seeing Bulk, I would think she would attack right away, until realizing the pain in her wing. Another was why does the pony who knock on Bulk's door not tell him what a changeling is? He/She just says "be on the lookout" then leaves, without telling him WHAT to lookout for. Also a tiny little nitpicking on my part, is that this changeling is becoming a reeeeal softy reeeeally quickly. She takes almost no time at all to go from "I'm gonna take over Canterlot!" to "I'm gonna be all nice to this pony I was supposed to be taking over!". It's not too bad, just kind of an annoyance on my part.

Okay, no hoooooold on a minute! This isn't comment isn't just to point out all the 'bad' stuff! Don't worry! I like this story, and here's why!

The idea is VERY original. I've never seen a story where Bulk Biceps, of all ponies, takes in a wounded Changeling, and tries to nurse her back to health. The idea is very creative, and I can't wait to see where you go with it. I also love how you are portraying bulk so far, as a loud yet caring individual. Like I said above, the exclamation points at the end of most of his sentences are awesome. It really captures Bulk's character.

I also love seeing new, original characters, and the changeling pony already has my attention. I hope you to see you really take her through the story in a fun and interesting way.

Now I think, just maybe, there'll be a whole "We can;t let the pone pones find the changeling", and if there is, then that'd be awesome. It'll really help add to the depth of the story and create lots of possible opportunities for the story line.

And lastly, I just like how you're writing the story. Sure, there's a few bugs as I pointed out above, but it's still good, and I like your style. Keep it up!

I hope this helps! =3

AJ Asui

AJ Asui #5 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: discovery ·

5770075 well at first when she sees his size it's very intimidating but i see what you mean on all the pionts and will do my very best to try and improve them.