In ages past, just after the defeat of Discord, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Commander Hurricane thwarted an invasion of Infernal beings from Tartarus bent on capturing Equestria's magic and enslaving her people. The cost of victory was high, though, and while Celestia has persevered through countless crises since then, the losses on that Infernal battlefield haunt her to this day.
But Paul Harken, a modern-day student of the occult from Earth, will soon give Celestia a chance at the salvation she so desperately desires, even as Equestrian history threatens to repeat itself. While attempting to summon the demon who ruined his life, an error in the ritual instead delivers Twilight Sparkle into Harken's summoning circle. At first confused and then concerned, the pair finds themselves on the run, pursued by a secret order of demon-hunters, and their desperate attempt to return Twilight to Equestria only plays into the hands of a far older and more sinister foe.
Now with editing goodness provided by the insightful and observant Fana Farouche!
Cover art by the insanely talented SilFoe and used with permission -- check out her gallery, she's awesome!
[Gore] for battlefield scenes and rare appropriate moments, not overwhelming or gratuitous bloodshed.
[Sex] for innuendo, references and a bit of tension. Nothing more graphic than PG or so.
There's no [Tragedy] tag, but this is going to be a bumpy ride, and you can count on bad things happening to good people/ponies before it's all over.
I'm not sure where all these bad ratings are coming from... So far it has been written well and has set a nice setting.
6354178 Hey! Thanks for the comment and the vote of confidence, I really do appreciate it and I'm glad you like what's out so far :)
As for the downvotes, I'm not real bothered by them; given the combination of Gore, Sex and Human tags I knew there were bound to be readers who'd downrate the story on general principles, so I figured my up/down ratio might be a bit meh. I could have pulled the Gore tag and maybe gotten a little more leeway, but I didn't feel like it was honest (even though it's not gratuitous), so I'll stick to my guns and take my lumps.
Besides, there are upvotes too! And if that means there's people enjoying the read, then I'll definitely keep writing for 'em.
Oh balls ! I'm going to paint myself into a corner with this one.
OK, over the first dozen or so (unindented) paragraphs of this I have to be honest, I didn't like it. I realise now that this was for technical reasons. There are serious flaws that make this clumsy in the reading, however they are technical flaws only, I'll return to this. On reading further however I see that there are some very good ideas here and the narrative is good also.
I really want to write a lengthy critique taking this apart, for good or ill, but I'm holding back for four reasons;
A) I don't pretend to be qualified to do so on the grounds that I haven't yet published anything on FimFiction myself. So all I can offer is a personal opinion.
B) Critiquing this in detail would likely be as lengthy as the chapter itself.
C) Not going to lie, I wonder if I have the time.
D) These are only opinions, they might well be wrong.
My interest in doing so lies almost entirely in the fact that, technical flaws aside, some aspects of this are quite ambitious. By which I mean the relationship between the Royal Sisters, though by no means limited to that . As for the technical flaws they consist essentially of the following;
1) Please, please indent the paragraphs, not doing so leads to a wall of text effect that indentation would negate.
2) Medieval English is hard, few get it right, it's best used sparingly.
3) Scene continuity.
Straight lines or arc ? This reader finds himself bumped out of the narrative.
4) Economy of expression, prune every sentence to only what is required.
In some ways there is some bad writing here however what lies underneath the (extremely common/normal) errors does have very real potential. If my view is unwelcome or offensive then please forgive me it was not my intention. Having shown no qualification for my opinion I worry that I may seem presumptuous in my views.
Stands in the corner of the room surrounded by wet paint, "Oh bum, I'm going to have to write the bloody critique now aren't I ?!
EDIT: I wouldn't normally upvote an unfinished story but this does have merit and given that I'm very lazy but still felt moved to comment I'm sort of committed now.
Epic
6354383 Great critiques! Exactly why I was looking for an editor, and especially for the prologue (by now you've (hopefully) noticed that following chapters are a bit different than the first). Sadly, I found no editor takers over the course of a few months, and rather than let the silly thing sit forever in purgatory I decided it was time to push the big red button, and to heck with the consequences.
I have honest responses to your points:
1. I see a lot of fic on the site without indents; is the general rule here that they're a Good Thing? If it's really a dealbreaker I'm not married to the straight paragraph styling, it's just not what I'm accustomed to seeing.
2. Too right. Aulde Anglysh is dense as fruitcake even when it's done well, and despite my best efforts I know misuse and general awkwardness is going to be unavoidable, as I'm not a scholar. This is very useful feedback, and I suspect I'll need to find a middle ground when I head back to 'a thousand or so years ago' for the next act's prologue.
3. Thank you! Sans editorial assistance, there just comes a point in re-reading your own work where your eyes glaze over and dumb stuff like that slips past. ANY catches like that are very welcome, and I'll nail those down as they're spotted.
4. Thicker density *cough* may have been an intentional choice *cough* with the prologue, in an attempt to make the first part feel different from what would come after -- mythic stories from a long time ago, versus a (again, hopefully) faster and more immediate feel from chapters later on. Sounds like this approach isn't working, so I'll need to go back to the drawing board on that, but again, great feedback.
And please, I absolutely feel zero presumption on your part. Your comments are solid and very much appreciated. Feedback like this is just what a writer should hope for, I'd think!
And no, you don't have to write it... but if you keep this up I might be forced to shanghai you, drag you back to my lair and force you to edit the darned thing at hoofpoint. Or something. Definitely something. ;)
They're humans at the time, right?
6354402 I shall work hard to earn more moustache, sir/madam!
6354920 Yep! Definitely humans at the time. Just having a bit of a play with poor Lessa for... reasons.
6355046 Horses have manes, r u calling her a whor-se?
6355466 Hah! Nah, Lessa's pretty cool, she just got involved with the wrong guy at the wrong time. Sometimes you'll see really long hair on humans called a mane as a kind of figure of speech -- usually if it's really long, straight and flowing. You know, a bit like this:
static1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130726224933/mlp/images/b/be/PrincessCelestiaEG.png
So since we're playing with ponies I thought I'd give a little nod in that direction :)
No, I absolutely was not hinting about anything at all by using that pic. Really. Nothing at all to see here. Not the droids you're looking for. Move along. >.>
6355525 horse lady from horse high :o
6355715 I can neither confirm nor deny these allegations.
EDIT
Oops, this should have been a PM, sorry.
Aaaand, Magoth Takes over.
I'm liking this more with every chapter and the next one is going to be rad as hell. Unfortunately it's not out yet, so I guess I have to go listen to Lord Mantis or something to simulate the effect. Friendship is magic, hail Satan, keep up the good work.
6387128 I can neither confirm nor deny this outrageous claim, but I'm perfectly willing to take bets on the outcome.
6387291 Considering how many times I've had to engage my New Sun simulator lately, I fully empathize with your pain.
Lord Mantis totally works as interim entertainment, but if you run out of Mantis and want to bring the oldschool, you can always roll it back to '93 or so and tear it up with some early Therion.
6387494 Can't walk five feet without getting owned about my update schedule these days. A New Sun ch. 22 is in editing, if that helps, and I'm about a fifth of the way into ch. 23. And I was going to ask about this simulator, but that's for another comment section (I'll just assume it's Isis because that makes sense to me right now).
Since I guess we're talking music now, are you gonna make a soundtrack for Deathless? Those can be fun when the author has broad tastes, and you sometimes come out with bands I aint never heard of but end up enjoying when I look into them. You're clearly feeling ambitious with this fic, so don't even try to tell me it's not overwhelming your attention to the point where you can't listen to music without tying it into some aspect of Deathless.
6388055 Doh! Honestly wasn't meant as a gotcha, just a reaffirm that I really like that story of yours and look forward to more. I totally understand how schedules get.
I... might possibly... have come up with a tune or two that suit the story. Here's one; five moustaches to whoever guesses which best pony we're talking about here.
6388291
Well I mean dress horse best horse, so Rarity. Weird that you gave the answer to your question inside the actual question, but you do you I guess.
6390012 Welp, I walked right into that one.
6390416 Yeah, you threw that right over the plate.
What's your update schedule for this?
6390530 Gunning for weekly, given tailwinds and fair weather. The usual disclaimers apply.
I'm not sure what to think of this story so far. Therefore I'll withhold my judgement until I see more it. Tracking this.
well......... shes taking this better than i thought
6423054 I'm constantly torn on poor Twilight; she can absolutely be a massive wreck of nerves and anxieties, but she's also faced down some of the mightiest, most planet-shattering forces ever assembled in her own world, and she's gained no small confidence in her own abilities in the process. It's tempting to have her go nuclear at the first sign of adversity, but I think by now in her career she deserves a bit more credit than that.
So if I've erred on the side of 'too much calm and collected' from our dear, neurotic purple princess, at least you know why I've chosen that path for her this time around.
6391479 "The usual disclaimers" in this case being "I am a godless liar," apparently. Did your editor disappear too? If so then maybe someone is going around and stealing them.
6466422
I'm still here. Don't know where Gaudior's got to.
6467112 Offline for a week and a day. That's... weird.
6467986 I must confess, I'm becoming a tad concerned.
Is this still a thing? Or are you dead?
Stop it, stop being gone.
It's good to see a story come back from the dead!
The premise seems interesting, so I'll throw it in my tracking and read later lists
8552430
Thanks for noticing the resurrection! Hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think when you've digested a bit.
8552748
6727280
Done.
8552855
so twilesticane
memegenerator.net/img/instances/500x/50239302/looks-good-ship-it.jpg
8701875
Twilestic—
Niiiiice.