A Crystal Revolution

by Stalins Moustache

Chapter 2: The Aftermath

He crawled out from behind the cart's wheel only after he had double checked if there was still any pony around.

Shattered nursed his wounded forearm as he moved out into the desolate field. Where once it was occupied by a united force of ponies using peaceful means to accomplish noble goals, they had all scattered leaving behind them at least twenty dead, and those were just the murders Shattered had witnessed.

He looked around and all he could see was mud occasionally painted Crimson with the blood of his fellow countrymen he began to limp through the field occasionally giving out a weak cry for help. As the fire from his wound soon began to spread through his body, a paroxysm of pain swept through as he smashed his wounded foreleg into a wheel spoke sticking out of the side of another overturned cart he had used for balance.

"Hello, Anyone there!" A voice faintly recognisable to Shattered called through the mist. Shattered tried to reply but could only manage a small almost inaudible croak.

"Helloooo Anyone, please," Came the call again this time Shattered, much to the lament of his broken body, put all his effort into screaming out to the voice in the shadows.

"H-help Me... Please," cried Shattered as he lay in the mud with blood seeping through his clothes and leaking on to the ground.

"Shattered, Brother Hold on!" Shattered now realised the voice of his older brother Steel Defiance, his voice however had lost the stern edge it had at the start of the rally and was now filled with sorrow.

When Steel emerged from the shadows and saw his brother lying in a heap holding a wounded leg, covered in mud and blood it was all he could not to cry however even for a stallion such as Steel Defiance it was hard not to let himself begin bawling.

"B-brother you're crying," Croaked shattered as he lay there helpless letting a soft chuckle escape him. He had only ever seen his brother cry once, and that was during the reign of King Sombra when the King's very own secret police had raided the rebel headquarters, which at the time their parents had been giving the rebels information. That was the last time they ever saw their parents, neither brother would even be able to recall what their parents looked like if they didn't have their family photo which was taken only a mere few weeks before their parents were taken.

As small wet streaks began to line Steel's face he picked up his brother and as gently as he could slung him over his shoulder. "Hang on Dawn you'll be home soon," said Steel Defiance with all the strength he mustered.

Defiance's trek halfway across the slums of the Crystal Empire was not easy, not only did he have the weight of his injured sibling bearing down on him but he also had to avoid rubble that lined the streets from what was obviously an Equestrian foray into the slums. No building was left untouched, even the checkpoints had obvious signs of conflict, yet more insidious still was the absence of life, there were not even any Equestrian soldiers to be found, only death, decay and the sound of gunfire in the distance were present.

As Steel returned back to the Strong Stallion he threw the door open and found a family huddling in one of the booths and their comrades at one of the other tables. Immediately Steel rushed over and placed the shattered form of his brother on his table. "He needs help, fast" choked Steel through a sheen of tears and ash sticking to his face.

Immediately they set to work on helping his maimed brother, and after about an hour passed most of which consisted of Steel moping around one of the tables in the rear of the tavern whilst he occasionally went over to check on the ponies operating on his brother. Eventually Emerald Impact took the seat beside Steel and with a mournful told the once proud Stallion the news of his brothers impromptu operation.

"I'm afraid his injury has left, well...H-he's in a coma from the blood loss," Emerald said almost choking on every word.

"When will he be back with us," Steel said with a hopeful expression despite the fact that tears still persisted to stream down his face.

"I-I Don't know for sure," Emerald once again said with a quiver in his voice.

With that Steel buried his head in his hoofs....

Author's Note:

Thanks for Reading

Please feel free to leave any Criticisms down below

Comments

[Hopeful Soul]

Not bad, not bad at all

[cultpony]

You asked for comments, so here it comes:

Your dialogue is good. Not perfect but good. It feels fluid and natural. I've seen a few fics with dialogues stiffer than a 8 inch steel rod but you steered right clear of that. Very good for a first story.

The pacing COULD have been better. You could have put all three chapters into one without much problems, they just feel very... short. Too short. Personally I prefer chapters above twelve hundred words. But don't make them too long, a single 20.000 words chapter might scare the readers.
Just make them a bit ... longer.
Another downside is that a few paragraphs look a bit like a wall of text while on other parts there is a bit much vacuum in between the sentences.

Characters and story idea seem perfect, although the characters look a bit flat on second glance, but that might be because we haven't done anything yet.

In total:
Good story, good idea, average pacing, a bit better than good dialogue.

I will definitely keep reading.

[TheGamingLedgend]

its ok