You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on!

The Queen's Eye

In a world decayed by war, two mares have survived by becoming thieves for hire. After receiving a job from a revolutionary supporter, the two must travel to the dead city of Canterlot to find an artifact which may just be the key to Equestria's salvation.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 1 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 1
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Cerulean Wingz

Cerulean Wingz #1 · Feb 10th, 2015 · · ·

Suggested Grammar Corrections :P
"Redhoof coughed, as she waved the smoke away from her hoof" I'd say: Redhoof coughed, waving the smoke away from her with a hoof.

"Pilfer raised an eyebrow as she took another puff. Redhoof didn’t need to see the gesture to know how feeble her excuse sounded." I'd say: Pilfer raised an eyebrow as she took another puff. Redhoof didn’t need to see the gesture to know how feeble her excuse sounded.

“Afhter you" I'd say: After you. (it happens)

"But the longer you stay and, well, pilfer the more battery you’re going to drain from the flashlight.” I'd say: But the longer you stay and... well, pilfer, the more battery you’re going to drain from the flashlight.

" In the center of the door was a picture was a large blue-green eye." I'd say: In the center of the door was a crude image of a large, blue-green eye.

“She taught me lots of things, Pilfer She taught me..." I'd say: She taught me a lot of things, Pilfer. She taught me..

"Redhoof tried to stand up. How in Celestia’s name is my fault?" I'd say: Redhoof tried to stand up. How in Celestia’s name is this my fault?

Review:
I thoroughly enjoyed this. Despite the grammar issues, I really like the way this tale unfolded. The characters were instantly likeable, and you really did catch me off guard at the end. It was not bad as far as cursing and gore. I think it had just enough to give this story a modern, post-apocalyptic feel. I got a Indiana Jones vibe with the booby-trapped chamber too. That fact, in itself, was delightful. This was a great salute to the dark/adventure genre. Subtle references aside I felt the tale was original and engaging. I'm excited to read more from you. :3