After being viciously tortured by Pinkamena, Rainbow Dash wakes up in Ponyville Hospital, and strangely very much alive. Not really based off The Darkness, but this story contains elements from the popular video game. This is the first story I've ever written, so constructive criticism, if you have any, is greatly appreciated.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Don't like the topic one bit but the writing is fair and you know how to indent your paragraphs. You get my like. Not for the story, but for how it's written.
546138
now, now...never judge a book by its cover...It may be a gold mine...many loved the spin off with dash beings saved by AJ...I write horror...so I can understand its beauty if done right. I will give it a shot and then review accordingly.
For those who are wondering, it is tagged gore because I intend to add violence in later chapters. This is also my first story, so if it sucks, that's probably why. And yes, it's a spinoff of Cupcakes, the reason of that being that Cupcakes is what got me to start watching the show and eventually become a brony. This story is far from finished and I appreciate all constructive critisism to help me make improvements.
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Bleach! I need mind bleach!
Bad finger! No clicking on gore stories!
...
You wrote very well, but it was my own fault for coming here.
Where is that mind bleach?
hmmm here is my thoughts...
good concept but it feels rushed, trust me on this that was my number 1 critique for my first stories and looking back on them I see it was 120% right. so just flush out some of the ideas and give us more details. I love a good read that makes me afraid to walk down a dark hallway.. when you achieve this your onto true horror. gore is good but use it hand and hand with psychological. use the weapons of good horror writing to your disposal, set the mood make us feel that something is evil thats following rainbow. I made a niche for having rd get stalked by evil lol.
so for now 2 1/2 out of 5
earn em back by making us afraid for rainbows sanity, show her inner termoil. give us details worthy of the mature rating. if the mature tag is posted and we see gore...we wanna see gore. this currently could have passed for teen rating. not a bad thing I tone my stuff to teen to achieve a wider audience.
546158
lol same reasons i got into mlp XD it took the sub fandom to get me in
i don't normally read stories wit a gore tag on it but this peaked my intrest. so far its pretty good, I'll keep an eye on this one. keep on writing
p.s: I also agree with with mareinthemoon slow it down just a tad and add some more deatails, but other than that i think you have a good thing going on here 3 1/2 out of 5 from me.
Now I hear the Darkness crooning "DAaAAAAAaaaaaAAAssSSsShhhiiieeee..."
second chapter soon please
Even as these comments are sent, I'm working on chapter 2. You can expect to start to see a little bit of violence in this one. Also, I plan on making revisions to past chapters as well.
546224 oh ok
Do not fear the Darkness, Dashie...
Actually, I got the idea to do this because my brother brought up the fact that Dashie rhymes with Jackie. Odd events..
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But it's basically a wall of text. Some paragraphs would attract more people
I keep reading Cupcakes spinoffs because I want there to be a happy ending... somehow...
>>ShadowKick
I've always wanted one like that as well. That's one reason I started this, because I couldn't find any.
546138 (major sarcasm ahead)
Oh woe is you, the person who gives a fic a dislike because he's to lazy to spend half a minute reading. It obviously better to just give it a stamp of disapproval then actually-OH I DON'T KNOW- try it!
Good so far, but you could slow it down a little, and while I don't really care about it being a block of text, you might want to space it out a little. I like how you sorta-kinda-maybe based RD's survival off Darkness, which is funny considering I literally just finished playng the second one. Anyway, yeah, good job, here's a mustache.
Chapter 1 has been edited due to reader's requests. Changes are:
-Added details about when RD is in the darkness void
-Changed all Darkness speaking parts to red font
-Spaced out paragraphs (no more brick wall text)
Not bad, not bad... not exactly scaring me but I'm in one of my jaded moods so i doubt anything short of extreme measures would get to me atm.
It seems you are mostly just referencing gore in chapter 1 cause other than a few minor incidents, there isn't even all that much. just a bit of blood in an alley and the last bit of cupcakes with an evil voice thrown in the mix.
For some reason, I enjoy Cupcakes sequels provided Dashie
A) Gets saved at the last minute and ultimately survives,
B) Turns out it's a dream/joke/bad fanfic one of the M6 had or,
C) (On par as favourite with A) Comes back for revenge as an undead entity.
Now this looks very interesting. Never played the Darkness, probably never will, but I like how this is written, where it's going and there's something about it that's... intriguing. Thumbs up and favourited mate.
Wow. Once I first read this, I was just in shock of what I was reading, that I'm going to go sick again that Dash died....again...
But I noticed how amazingly this is written, as every little but made me interested, every little bit of it made me want to cringe. That is one element of a good story, when you can actually feel physical and emotional pain (in the good way) to the characters.
wow, i'm very curious about who you gonna do your story, and i like darkness 2
thumb up
547756
While my words may have tempted you to believe that I said you gave the fic a dislike simply because it was about Cupcakes, that would be with simple mispronunciation on my part. 'A stamp of disapproval' is a fairly common saying, simply implying that you disapproved of it. But no where in the comment did I so much as near SAY that you disliked it, and gave it a rating as such.
NOW THROW YA HATE A ME! FEED E WITH YOUR RAGE! MUHAHAHAHA!
548070
meh, I might have phrased that, and now I might feel like a tad bit of a fool, but truthfully I had no intention to say you disliked it, at the time I wrote that comment I had been up for over a day, and I was as you may have guessed, a little tad bit tired as hell.
If I were to rephrase that it would go differently now that I'm actually somewhat awake, but as it is, past mistakes are still mistakes.
If you would put aside the natural need to continue your deepest desire to continue this comment battle, then allow me to extend to you, my apologies.
Now to clarify things, I posted my original comment because you said that you didn't want to try it because its a Cupcakes fic (which is most definitely understandable) but still felt the need to criticize it in the comments. There, now that I have actually said what I meant (and proven that I am indeed a fool) you can comment back with more of your natural hate filled comments.
Enjoy!
548265
I love how you are saying your comments aren't just petty insults, when you state they aren't petty insults, with petty insults.
If I'm being condescending then allow me to apologise for that too, but in fact all I was doing was clearing up a matter of which I made a mistake, which to be honest doesn't feel like me making myself out to have high ground.
Also If your comments were made in the fashion you describe to me (quote, "OMG U IDIOT WHAI U INSULT ME DIS STORY SUCKS I GONNA GO HUG MY FLUTTERSHY PIKLOW NOW SO STFU IM RIGHT LAWL.") then I wouldn't even bother replying. Their not, but you still make yourself out to appear annoyed or upset, whether you are trying to or not.
NOW FEED ME MOAR HATE! FEED IT TO ME! I ENJOY IT!
548347
I LOVE YOU TOO MARRY ME! WE'LL LIVE IN A CABIN BY THE BEACH AND HAVE HUNDREDS OF FILLIES TOGETHER!
548364
In my opinion our comments are the best on this story, no matter what anyone says.
Now where is the wedding to take place, I would rather have this over quickly.
548779
Oh nothing serious, we got into an argument, you declared your love for me, I returned the gesture, and now we're engaged.
So, yeah, you didn't really miss anything, at least nothing important.
you said there was a game??????????tell me were it is or give me the link plz
The game is The Darkness. It's for Xbox 360 and I believe PS3.
Due to my computer's hard drive crashing, chapter 2 will take a bit longer than I thought, but I will still get it done.
what happened to her wings?! did she loose them or not?
I always love cupcakes. It was my first fan fic I ever read and I was horrify from what I read and for some reason I like it. So I love reading spin off anything related to cupcakes. Your story is ok but there room for improvement. I be watching this some and see how it progress.
>>redbolt
Her wings were in the basement, but they were also attached to her due to the darkness regenerating them, leaving them in both places at once.
568557
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I'm glad to see another person writing a "The Darkness" Fic, even if it is without Jackie. Mine has Jackie.
>>viper9172
Rainbow Dash is Jackie.. Sort of.
MOAR
Dose she um still have her um insides.....
I apologize for a lack of continuation, but I have had a lot of crap going on in my life. This story has not died, however, and I fully intend to continue.
Even if it's a short chapter, I just want to see progress.
lack of continuation makes Fluttershy sad.
Oh for fucks sake, 4 months and not even a minor continuation?
this had better be some kind of joke.
http://www.newdubstep.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Y-U-No-Update-300x202.jpg
You know, I have a feeling this fic is cancelled.
Can't wait for more!