Iponi's World

by Palm Palette

Pony Fever

“Good morning, my little ponies.” Cheerilee clapped her hooves and put on the warmest, fuzziest smile she could manage. “Have all of you filled out your permission slips like good little students?”

“Yes, Miss. Cheerilee,” the assembled fillies and colts said. Her classroom was normally packed with active little minds and eager eyes, but today many seats were empty. A dreadful virus known as pony fever had been going around and several of her students were out sick.

“Achoo!” Apple Bloom sneezed. Other ponies shuffled away from her.

“Apple Bloom, are you feeling all right?” Cheerilee asked. She walked down the front row, gathering the permission slips that had been passed forward.

“Um, Ah'm fime.” Apple Bloom blinked and rubbed at her nose. A thin string of filly snot trailed off on her hoof. “Or I wath thid morning.” She groaned and flopped her head on the desk.

Cheerilee stepped over and patted the bow on Apple Bloom's neck. “I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. It's terrible timing, I know, but I'm going to have to ask that you go home and get some rest.”

“What? But Ah wanted to thee tha humans.” The yellow filly sat up straight and put on a smile. “I don't feel that bad. Ah'm sure I'll be okay.”

Cheerilee left Apple Bloom's side and tapped on the blackboard. Biting a piece of chalk, she scribbled as she talked. “I know we talked about this yesterday, but I need to repeat myself because it's important. The human world we're visiting has no native magic. However, all ponies are magical beings. In order to preserve the natural balance, we'll be transformed into humans for the duration of our visit. Unfortunately, many of our diseases are also magical in nature and can't be cured via transformation magic. In fact, attempting to do so is a good way of making them communicable to other species. There's no telling what would happen if our illnesses were allowed to spread to magicless victims. I'm sorry, Apple Bloom, but it's just not safe for you to visit there right now.”

“Aw.” Apple Bloom folded her forelegs on the desk and flopped her head down. She sneezed again and sniffled.

“Apple Bloom? More like Apple Blows.” Diamond Tiara snickered. “You'd better make like a tree and leaf before you get anypony else sick.”

“I always knew you were a sick little pony inside,” Silver Spoon added. “Now everypony else knows it too.”

“Be nice, you two,” Cheerilee admonished. “Apple Bloom's not the only one who's sick. In fact, if anypony else starts to feel ill, we'll have to cancel the field trip altogether.”

“What? No!” Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon both zipped away and donned surgical masks. They huddled in a corner together.

“So, in light of that, you really do have to leave, Apple Bloom. Sorry, but there will be other field trips for you to enjoy.” Cheerilee opened the door wide and gave Apple Bloom a stern gaze. Her decision was final, and there would be no more dallying.

Apple Bloom got up and groaned. “Yeah, but not to tha human world,” she mumbled. “And I really wanted to go.”

“Cheer up, Apple Bloom.” Sweetie Belle gave Apple Bloom a warm smile as she shambled past. “We'll tell you all about the amazing fun time we had when get back.”

“Yeah, it's going to be totally sweet!” Scootaloo added. “Oh. And we'll bring back an awesome souvenir for you too.”

Cheerilee frowned. “Scootaloo, they don't accept bits in the human world. You won't be able to buy anything.”

“Oh, well, in that case, maybe a cool stick or something?” Scootaloo shrugged.

“Uh, thanks, Ah thidk.” Apple Bloom sniffled and rubbed her runny nose again as she left the classroom. The door snapped shut behind her. Sitting down and staring up at the sun, Apple Bloom groaned, “It's just not fair. The contrived plot device is only open for three days every thirty moons. This was my only chance to go!”

If she was expecting sympathy, she wasn't going to get any. Back in the classroom, Cheerilee's voice rang out, “Scootaloo! This is a parental permission slip. You can't get Rainbow Dash to sign this.”

“What? But Apple Bloom got her sister to sign hers.”

“That's because Apple Bloom doesn't have parents. I can't let you go unless you run back home and—”

Apple Bloom fought back her growing haze of misery and forced herself to walk away. Her illness was bad enough; she didn't want to get knocked over when Scootaloo ran out to get her form re-signed. Had her head not been so clouded, she might have poked fun at Scootaloo's mistake. As it was, she kicked a pebble and watched it bounce down the dusty, dirt road.

“Ah hate being sick,” Apple Bloom muttered. The dustiness caught in her nose, further irritating it. She tried to suppress the oncoming sneeze, but it did no good. “Ah-ah-achoo!” Her tiny body shook with the force of a backfiring engine. Groaning, she climbed up on a park bench and melted over is surface.

While Apple Bloom was staring at a bent nail, wondering if the laws of physics that had violated it were the same ones that made her head hurt just as much, two ponies casually walked up. Both of them were too engrossed in their conversation to notice the abject little filly who was attempting to repaint the bench with her own body.

“So, I was all like, 'pull my finger,' and you were like, 'ugh, no, face-hand!' Get it? Because we had hands and not hooves and—”

“Lyra—” Lemon Drops groaned and smacked her mint-colored unicorn friend on the shoulder “—that wasn't funny. Who the hay goes to the human world just to make fart jokes?”

“Lemmy, that was only for, like, five minutes. We did tons of other stuff, remember?”

“Yeah—tons of other stuff that got cut short because I had to haul your bloated ass out of there.”

Lyra snorted. She reared up and pointed a hoof at her yellow friend human-style. “That was totally not my fault! How was I supposed to know that my human form was going to be potted plant intolerant?”

Lemon Drops rolled her right eye. Her left was hidden under an eye patch. “You wouldn't have had to find that out if you'd stuck to the field rations they gave us.”

“Yuck—alfalfa pellets and water? I hate that stuff as an equine. What do they think we are? Hamsters?”

Lemon Drops tapped on her fuzzy chin, then shrugged pony-style. “Hamsters... Humans... You know, they probably did mess that up. It wouldn't surprise me.”

Apple Bloom groaned and buried her head under her hooves. “Would you thoo keep it dowb? Ah'm tryin' to be miserable here.” Unintentionally adding emphasis, she let out a sudden weapons-grade sneeze that slid her whole body back. A plume of runny snot splattered on the bench in front of her.

Both unicorns jumped back. Lemon Drops backpedaled further. “Yikes! Is that another sick pony? Uh, sorry, yellow filly. I do hope you feel better but, uh, I really don't want to catch that so... bye!” She waved briefly before turning tail and trotting off.

Lyra raised an eyebrow and scrunched her face, creating fuzzy ridges between her eyes. “Pah, scardy-cat.”

“Oooh, sorry Ah scareb yer fwiend off,” the pile misery said.

“Eh, don't mind her.” Lyra's flank went squick as she flopped on the bench and sat in the snot puddle. “She's fine to hang out with and all, but she has no sense of adventure.”

“Eww,” Apple Bloom winced at the sight of the gooey liquid soaking into Lyra's mint-colored fur. “Arn'cha worried 'bout gettin' sick?”

“Meh. Bon Bon's been ill for the past few days. If I was going to catch it, I would have by now. Say, I know a spell that can make you feel better, but if I lower your fever you'll probably stay sick longer.”

“Pwease?” Apple Bloom looked up at her with wide, puppy-dog eyes.

“Aw, you don't have to ask me twice.” Lyra squinted and puffed out her cheeks which flushed slightly from the strain. Her magic sparked, then waned. She grunted and tried harder. Flaring, the lemony aura on her horn flashed and doubled, forming a second layer. A matching light washed over Apple Bloom, who immediately perked up. Lyra panted and wiped her brow. She lolled her tongue out human-like. “Whew. That was harder than I expected. I guess I still haven't recovered yet from that emergency potted plant extraction.”

Apple Bloom sat up and stretched like a cat. She shook herself and smacked her little pony lips. “Hey, thanks. Ah feel sooo much better now.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts, because when that spell wears off, you'll fee like you're waffle batter being smothered in an iron.”

“Aww.” Apple Bloom sat down and curled her fluffy red tail around her legs. She drooped her head down and frowned.

Reaching out and wrapping a hoof around Apple Bloom's back, Lyra gave the filly a friendly hug. “Yeah, being sick is no fun for anyone. I recommend that you head home and get plenty of rest. Feeling better or not, you're still sick and should take it easy until you make a full recovery.”

“Well, okay, but I still wish Ah could have gone to see the humans.” Apple Bloom looked into Lyra's golden eyes. “Say, you went to the human world, right? Can ya tell me what it's like?”

“Only the most awesome thing, ever!” Lyra hopped off the bench and did a giddy little dance. “You would not believe the—well, the everything! They've got hands and feet and those cute petite noses and those weird blobs on their chests and all of the arms! Actual arms and being able to—”

“Uh, Lyra?”

“—so many weird things with their faces. Plus, standing upright all the time makes everything look so short! They look so good in clothes and don't have to wear saddles and—”

“Lyra?”

“—all those guys kept staring at me when I explored my body. Heh, you should have seen how red their faces got when I started jumping up and down. They've got elbows and such all their joints bend a bit differently. The make the weirdest noises too, especially when you start taking your clothes off. Speaking of noises, humans can't make equine sounds very well so that's why they give us those writing pads. I shared mine with the locals and they filled it up with seven digit numbers. Weird, huh? Anyway, I was up to my withers in—”

“Lyra!” Apple Bloom's shout caused the wildly gesticulating pony to stop bouncing mid-air. “I already know about the human body and stuff. Cheerilee lectured on that all week. Ah want to know what their world is like.”

Lyra didn't look the least bit upset about having her ramblings cut short. If anything, her grin got even wider. She walked over and lightly rubbed a hoof on Apple Bloom's noggin. “Apple Bloom, there's a huge difference between reading about humans in a book and walking around as one. It's something that you just have to experience for yourself or you'll regret it forever and ever and ever.”

Apple Bloom slunk down. She pushed aside Lyra's hoof and straightened out her ruffled mane. “Yer not making me feel any better about being left out,” she grumbled.

“Oh. Sorry.” Lyra shrugged and stepped back to draw in the air with her magic. “But if you want to know about the world, then you're going to be even more envious, because everything about it is amazing!”

The image she created looked something like an enclosed marketplace, where a larger building held dozens of stores in a tightly-packed arrangement. The architecture favored bright, colored lights, huge glass windows, and fountains in the central isle. Scores of humans bustled about the place carrying many, many, bags full of goods.

Yelping, Lyra lost her concentration and her magic spazzed out. The image vanished abruptly.

Despite herself, Apple Bloom's jaw hung open. “Wow, that's even fancier than the big city! What was all that stuff?”

“Uh, well, we don't know exactly since we don't have the local currency and can't exactly speak their language to barter with them, but I did get something cool when I visited.” Lyra stopped bouncing for a moment to rummage in her saddlebags and pulled out a long, thick, glossy, pink, cylindrical thing that had a bulb at one end and was covered in little, round bumps. “Check it out—it even vibrates when I hold this button down!” The two warm, fuzzy ponies stared at the weird human thing as it made a buzzing noise under the pressure of Lyra's telekinesis.

“That is pretty neat, uh, Ah guess. Any idea what it's for?”

“No idea, but one of the humans gave it me and because of that I'll treasure it forever!” Lyra smiled as she stuffed it back in her bag, humming a tune to herself.

Apple Bloom blinked as she watched Lyra stash the mysterious item. “Huh, that is pretty weird. Do ya think the humans have anything else?”

“What, are you kidding? The human world has everything! Clothes, toys, books—not that we can read those, lawn ornaments, glowing light things, glass figurines, those little umbrellas that you put in drinks, giant machines, whistles, green paper stuff, potted plants—seriously, don't eat those, and whatever else you can think of the humans have it.”

“Everything?” Apple Bloom's eyes widened. She tapped a hoof on her fuzzy chin, scrunching up her face in little pony thought. “Do you think they have a cure for pony fever?”

Lyra frowned. “Uh... no. Look, I know being sick isn't fun and all, but you can't expect them to have a cure for something that doesn't even exist in their world. Besides, it's best to avoid eating anything when you're there, anyway. If somehuman decides to offer you a big cup-shaped red flower that comes in a pot, don't eat it. Seriously, just... don't.”

“Yeah...” Apple Bloom rubbed at the leftover damp spot on the bench.

“Hey, you know what else they have? Red dot sticks!” Lyra squealed and did a little hop. “Uh, they probably call them something else, but they have little metal rods that make these little red dots that are so much fun to chase around! It's too bad Lemmy pointed the thing at her her eye and then broke it in a hissy-fit. I don't see why she was so upset. She still has one good eye left.” Lyra sighed and wiped her brow. “They have so much neat stuff there that it makes me wonder just how many different cutie marks ponies could earn if we had access to even a small fraction of it.”

“Wait, what?” Apple Bloom's ears perked up at the mention of cutie marks.

“It's mostly just an idle observation on my part. Three days isn't enough time to learn how they make all those things, and so far we haven't been able to replicate anything. Perhaps somepony out there is destined to unlock those human secrets. Hmm, maybe that's why they opened the place to tourism. With numerous eyes going there, some lucky pony is bound to make an important discovery eventually.”

Lyra yawned, stretched, and smacked her mint pony lips. “All this talking has really exhausted me. Well, I hope you recover soon, Apple Bloom. It's a shame you missed out on such an awesome opportunity.”

The mint unicorn walked away, leaving behind a filly torn with jealousy. Apple Bloom forgot her illness and tried to picture what the human world was like. It must be an amazing place—so full of stuff—stuff that could potentially appear on her flank.

She clenched her eyes and groaned. “Ah know I'm not supposed to, but I just have to go there now.” Having made that declaration, Apple Bloom stood up on the bench and held her head high. “To th-ah-ah achoo!”

Moment ruined, Apple Bloom sniffled and rubbed at her fuzzy muzzle. That was a not-so-subtle reminder that all was not well within her. Lyra's magic had made her feel tremendously better, but it hadn't cured her. Hmm, perhaps magical illnesses needed magic to live? It was probably a needless precaution to keep her home. Magic-free humans would probably be immune.

Decision made, Apple Bloom trotted off to catch the next train to Manehatten. Once there, she'd find the contrived plot device that allowed ponies to visit the human world. Look out, Earth, here comes Apple Bloom!