The Accusation.
It's a regular day in Ponyville, Equestria. Rainbow Dash has just returned from doing her usual duties as a Pegasus when suddenly, she hears a pony call her.
"Rainbow Dash!"
She recognizes this voice from flight school. She goes to the entrance of her cloud house to find a pony by the name of Ace Lightning.
"Hey Ace" Rainbow Dash says. "What's up?"
"Applejack's been arrested."
"What?! What for?" Rainbow Dash asks.
"No idea and no time to explain." Said Ace. "I got word that the Royal Guard has already arrested the rest of the Mane 6. Their on their way to get us! We gotta get out of here while we still can!"
"Right. Lets go!" Said Rainbow Dash.
She could hardly believe what she heard. The entire Mane 6 being arrested. It couldn't be possible. What could they have possibly done that could have them arrested? About 15 minutes had past when 2 Royal Guards spotted them. Immediately, Ace and Rainbow Dash began flying away. Ace was able to keep up with Rainbow Dash since they flew together during flight school. And since Rainbow Dash taught Ace how to fast as her. But just as they were about to escape, a few unicorn guards arrived and used a freeze spell that froze Ace and Rainbow Dash.
They were then brought to the Equestria Detention Center, the most highly guarded and inescapable prison n Equestria. After they were unfrozen, they were put into the same cell with the Mane 6.
"Why are we in here?" Twilight asked confused.
"No idea" said Ace. He then went to the cell bars and said "Hey, if we're all in here, can you at least tell us why? We have no right to be in here without a REAL reason!"
"You are in here because one of you ponies stole something that is very valuable and belongs to Princess Celestia!" Said a guard. The Mane 6 gasp.
"Who would do such a thing" wondered Fluttershy.
The guards stared at Applejack.
"We know you did it Applejack" said a guard.
The Mane 6 gasp. They could not believe what they just heard.
"A-Applejack?" Said Rainbow Dash.
“Applejack, What did you do” questioned Ace.
“I didn’t do anything!” yelled Applejack.
“Don’t lie to me Applejack.” said Ace.
“I told ya'll, I didn’t do anything!” yelled Applejack.
By this time the some ponies from the Royal Guard have been eavesdropping in on the conversation; and they've had enough of it. One of the Guards comes over and takes Applejack and Ace into an interrogation room.
“We know you did the crime missy” said a Guard. “I suggest you tell us the truth or else.”
"And what if I don't?” replied Applejack angerily.
“If you refuse to cooperate, we’ll be forced to use force.” replied the Guard.
“Ya'll would hit a mare" questioned Applejack.
“No. But he would” said the Guard pointing to Ace.
“You would hit a Mare?” asked Applejack in amazement..
“Only on one occasion, and that is self defense” replied Ace.
“Hitting a mare in self defense or intentional is the same thing,” said Applejack.
“No it isn’t.” Replied Ace.
“Quiet! Both of you.” Said a Guard. “All of you are suspects in the theft.”
“What’s so important that was stolen?” Asked Ace.
“The princess’ crown was stolen” replied the guard.
“Well none of us did it.” Said Ace.
“Are you sure about that?” Asked a guard.
"What are you talking about?" Asked Ace real puzzled.
“You don’t know that for sure.” Said a guard. “Any one of the Mane 6 could have went to the castle and stole the crown.”
“And if that did happen, which it didn’t, how could it have?” Asked Ace.
"Easy." Said the guard. "Twilight is Princess Celestia’s student. So she’s close friends with her. And the rest of the ponies, including you, are friends with Twilight. That means any one of you could have went behind her back when she turned her back and stole it.”
Applejack and Ace remained quiet. After arguing for about 10 more minutes, the guards send them back to their cell. On the way back to their cell, Ace overheard one of the guards talking about him.
"Alright that's it!" Ace snapped.
The guards stared at him.
"If you got something to say, say it to my face. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut. I can handle alot of things, but if someone starts talking about me while my back is turned, that's when I lose it. So you got something to say or not you sorry excuse of a royal guard pony." Said Ace.
The guard just stood there quietly. "This isn't over Ace." said the guard. "I'll get you before you get out of here."
"Good luck with that. You'll need it" replied Ace.
“So…” Said Rainbow Dash curiously.
“All we did was argue to the guards trying to tell them we didn’t do it. And they still don’t believe it.” Said Ace.
Then one of the guards walked over to their cell.
“Give us your saddlebags.” Demanded the guard.
As Applejack picked up her saddlebag, something fell out.
"What's that?" asked Twilight.
They were all curious of what fell out of AJ's saddlebag. Ace began walking toward the object.
"Hold it!" yelled one of the guards.
"I'm picking it up." said Ace sternly.
He began to get tired of the guards' attitude toward him and the Mane 6. Ace walked over and seen that it was Princess Celestia's stolen crown. Applejack got a worried look on her face. They all looked at Applejack.
“Applejack...” Said Ace. "I thought you were the Element of Honesty, not the Element of Thieving."
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Um...
FIMfiction has a story rule about that stories can't be separate chapters, and that's basically what you're doing.
Eh... I like it. There are a few problems (grammar,pacing ) but its a start. It gets a like.
This fic..........
onisiondotme.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/tumblr_m8s5mtj1381qffn6mo1_500.gif
i keep an eye on this
Never start a story like this. Ever.
Yes, because all pegasi have the same job.
None of them do anything other than weather jobs...
Now would be a good time to tell us
how badass your OC iswhat your self-insert looks like.Her dialogue needs to end with a comma.
"Sorry, can't be bothered to explain the contrived set-up for the story! Just roll with it!"
You know that nobody calls them that in-universe, right? That's only a fandom term.
"They're"
...and it hasn't actually happened, as long as
your waifuDash is free.This is never going to be explained, is it? Also, the word you want is "possibly".
"passed"
Cool storyThrilling chase scene, bro.What the hell kind of prison is this with seven prisoners per cell, and a male mixed in with females?
For the sake of a contrived story, Twi -- don't expect logic. Also, there needs to be a comma after "asked".
One pony steals, so they lock up seven? Did you even think about this as you wrote it?
And don't even get me started on how you keep switching back and forth between past tense and present tense. In short, this isn't very good at all. Also, as someone else pointed out, any continuation of this story needs to be posted as part of this story, not as a brand new story.
5945113 Thanks man.
5948262 Thanks for some of the helpful tips.
Ok, not offending anyone and im not saying that your all mean, but please refrain from being rude. (not saying anyone has yet, but in future time.)
5945064 Are you saying that i have no reason to be here?
5945050 Yes...but these aren't separate chapters. It's separate parts of the story. So its not splitting up chapters, im splitting up the story into this and a sequel of the story.
5951795 i think hes saying that your OC has no reason to be in the story. I think.
5954285 If that's the case then shouldn't he have said "His OC has no reason to be here..."
And another thing guys, its my first fimfiction so cut me some slack.
5955041 I understand
5955340 Dude come on now. He did better then my 1st fanfic. And it was when I was 1st trying to learn English.
5956074 A valid point but still. Look at the bright side. Atleast he did better then my 1st try.
5956281 Whoa I wasn't saying your completely wrong. I get what your saying. I really do. All I was trying to do was cheer him up. I am sorry if I angered you my any means. That was not the point I was trying to make.
5955340 Logic is a thing i will agree but you should have INDEED explained that it was my OC and not me myself. cause some people may get the wrong idea...
5956317 Thanks man. It really didn't upset me much i just found it a bit offensive. I'm one of those guys that can get offended if i look at something the wrong way. thats why i said "are you saying I have no reason to be here?" as a question instead of accusing that's what he meant and getting mad right then and there. but everyone's 1st fanfic isn't the best. you get feedback from other's so you can learn from your mistakes on the previous (or 1st) and you can improve that on the next one. (like if you agree or dont. it doesn't matter)
5965690 I do not need to be in the comment. I'm just saying someone may get the idea that you are talking about them. I'm not saying that you dont have to but could you at least try to put in the section that "He" is referring to the self-insert? And like i said, cut me some slack please. It's my 1st.
5965686 Thanks for the watch and while I agree with Durpy (somewhat) don't let it stop you from trying. There are people who cannot please in this world. I learn that the hard way but again if you keep trying, you get far. If you need anything, don't be afraid to ask. Here's a watch. I hope to see great things from you.
5965924 Thanks man.
5955068
*sigh*
Here goes my usual "that's not really an excuse" spiel.
Have you read any stories on this site? I have. I read many before I ever published a story. I learned what was good, and what was bad. It doesn't seem as if you did this. The comments people have posted on other stories like yours are public. They can be seen. They're posted every single day on stories like this. Have you not seen them?
If you fail to read the advice given to those before you, it is your fault, plain and simple. There is no excuse.
PS: This story doesn't seem bad, except for the self-insert OC. And also deleting comments. Deleting comments is always bad.
6009534 Thanks for the advice. And i'm putting this out, there will be ONLY A FEW stories will a self inserted OC. not many. Part 1 and Part 2 are 2 stories will self inserted OC.