Checkbook
She set down her quill and stared at the ledger on her desk. There was a neat column of numbers running down the page. Just like every month they detailed her expenses, and just like every month the numbers were itemized, with a total at the bottom. She flipped through the ledger to previous months, comparing the numbers.
Keeping track of the bits she spent was not something she did because the money was important to her. Twilight did it because money was important to other ponies, and it seemed like the type of thing a responsible adult ought to do.
Looking through the numbers nothing looked too unusual. Perhaps some other pony might think she was spending an exorbitant amount on writing materials, books, and telescopes, but it was nothing too unreasonable. Everypony spent money on the things they liked. The only oddity would appear when a pony considered what was absent from her expenses.
Since moving to Ponyville the row marked “clothing” had consistently contained a “zero bits” entry. Rarity insisted on making all of Twilight’s clothes and routinely refused payment. “A pony of your stature wearing my designs is payment enough,” she would insist. Twilight knew that was not normal. Most ponies had to buy their clothes.
Of course, clothing was not the only row with that terrible “zero” in it.
Twilight did not pay rent or any sort of mortgage. Her tree was technically owned by the state, and as far as Twilight knew, nopony had ever questioned Princess Celestia about her student moving into the town’s library.
What sort of pony lived in a library? She loved her home and everything that it was, but it did not seem like a normal thing. Often times she wondered if the distinct lack of patrons was because ponies were intimidated by entering what was essentially her home. Twilight wondered how frequently ponies used to check out books before she had moved to Ponyville.
Travel was another row that was often zero or close enough not to matter. For as much as Twilight traveled around Equestria, the number should be far greater. Just her weekly trips to and from Canterlot for magic lessons should have contributed a sizable sum. But the Royal Guard did not charge when they were transporting a pony on the behest of the Princess, and apparently it was “only fair” that the crown compensate her travel expenses when she was on “matters of the state.”
Apparently much of what she did fell into that later category.
They were not the expenses of an grown mare living on her own.
She was supposed to be an adult.
When she was a foal it made sense that her parents took care of her. Her family was not wealthy, she did not always have the newest toys or clothing, but her parents had made sure that she had everything she needed. That was just what parents did. However, she remembered as she got older becoming distinctly aware that the other ponies in her classes no longer had allowances. Their parents stopped paying for them to go see the latest plays or to go out to eat.
It did not really bother her until some time after she had started her university level classes.
They had all sat down, her parents and herself, and had a heart to heart. Twilight had been the one to instigate it, and she did not know if the conversation would have ever come otherwise. The decision was that it was time for her to start taking more personal responsibility. Nothing really changed, but it was nice pretending that it would.
For a brief, glorious moment, Twilight even started looking for a part time job. Even after all these years, she had no idea what she might have actually ended up doing, but she had at least felt like an adult while looking. It probably would have been boring and awful, almost certainly a waste of time compared to her studies, but it would have been hers. Then the Princess heard what she was doing.
Twilight was never brave enough to explain why she was looking for a job, and the Princess, bless her heart, had assumed that Twilight simply needed the bits. Celestia never asked about things like that. So Twilight started receiving an educational stipend. That was the year the Princess started paying her to be a student, and Twilight became perpetually trapped in the strange holding circle that her life had become. Even as she entered her graduate level studies, Twilight still suckled on the teat of those who raised her.
Moving to Ponyville had seemed like it might be a step in the right direction. She did not have palace staff doing her laundry for her or tidying her room. She was finally out on her own. More than anything else, it was something new. It was the type of thing adults did.
It had been scary as well. Ever since becoming the student of Princess Celestia, Twilight just assumed she would become a magi, or magical researcher. Perhaps she would end up as professor at the Academy. As she got older she decided she would end up in whatever role the Princess thought she would do the most good. It was not really a decision, but it was safe. “Be a student until the Princess comes up with something for you to do.” That had been her plan in all of its elegant simplicity.
Ponyville had thrown all that out the window.
Twilight was forced to finally start thinking about what she wanted out of life. That was an adult decision with all of the important ramifications that were entailed.
She thought she liked being a librarian. She enjoyed it, even if she was not particularly good at it. Twilight looked around at the piles of books not on their shelves. However infrequently it was, whenever a pony would come in looking for a book they would struggle to decipher whatever sorting system Twilight had adopted that week. Twilight, herself, was likely the only pony in Ponyville who could understand half of the books on the many shelves she had dedicated to magical theory.
And nopony ever seemed to like her book recommendations. Rainbow Dash counted as her only success.
Ponies were supposed to be good at their jobs or they would be fired. Twilight knew that she was not a good librarian, but she also knew that she would never be fired. The library would remain her domain as long as she wished it. However, despite how bad Twilight was at managing the library, she liked it. She wanted to embrace the life of a librarian and make it her own. Twilight could imagine herself doing that with her life.
It was not an exciting dream, but it was her dream.
She did not know how much librarians got paid or how it compared to her stipend, but she at least felt like she was doing something to earn the money Celestia sent her each month.
Of course that had all changed earlier that year.
Twilight flipped to the point in her ledger where she stopped keeping a running total from month to month. There was no more row for “income” after that month, nor did she have a row for “savings.”
She was a Princess now.
Princess Celestia had explained that Twilight now had access to a “petty cash account.” Just how many bits she could spend and still have it count as “petty” Twilight had not yet determined. She did not even know if there was any sort of limit. Perhaps she could just drain the treasury dry. Neither did she know what happened to bits she did not spend.
Somehow the numbers had become meaningless.
The questions had not seemed important compared to others at the time. Things like, “Bwa? I have wings now?” had mostly occupied her thoughts. Now it seemed so silly that she had not asked. Of course, she could not bring herself to ask Princess Celestia six whole months after her coronation. She would need to admit she did not know the first thing as to what she was supposed to be doing with her life. She would need to explain that she had been living a whole half a year without any sort of real budget.
Becoming an alicorn had destroyed her dreams of independence.
She was a princess now, and that meant she would be taken care of. She did not have to worry about the things that other ponies did.
Twilight looked at her ledger. She was still just a foal, and as far as she could foresee, she would remain one.
When fillies grew into mares they had to start worrying about things and taking care of themselves. She had never done that. She did not know if she could do that.
“Twilight, dinner will be ready soon,” Spike called from downstairs.
Twilight winced at the words and wanted to cry. She could not even feed herself. It was such a basic thing that any forest creature learned to do when they left the nest. Yet, she could not cook, and if Spike did not remind her, she would even forget to eat.
Spike would remind her to sleep and to go outside. Spike made sure she bathed and brushed her mane. The only reason the library maintained even a semblance of order was because of her assistant. A creature more than a decade younger than her was at least a decade more mature than her.
Twilight was an invalid not fit to be left to her own devices.
Twilight wondered if there was any escape, but did not think so. Luna had led a rebellion and tried to banish the sun forever. She got sent to timeout for a thousand years and was now back as if nothing had ever happened. Twilight had almost destroyed Ponyville with her “want it, need it” spell, and in return she was rewarded with less work.
Rarity, ever perceptive Rarity, had come to Twilight afterwards. She was worried that Twilight had seen the new arrangement as a punishment, with the Princess taking away her friendship reports, as if her reports were the only letters between her and the Princess. There were essays on magic and papers on history. There was the occasional, but regular, letter just talking about their days, and of course there was their play-by-mail chess game.
No, it certainly was not a punishment. Celestia did not punish. She nurtured and taught. She always encouraged. Princess Celestia was just trying to make Twilight’s life easier. The Princess had always pushed Twilight to do better, to be better. Whenever Twilight fell, Celestia was there to pick her up. Every failure was transformed to a lesson.
Most fillies eventually had the training wheels removed. Adults had to learn from their failures. There were no do-overs.
She walked over to her window and set her head down on the sill. When Twilight rolled her eyes she saw the box of her newest acquisition, an Orbiz Three Thousand Telescope, with doubly polished mirrors. She had seen it in the store while shopping for more parchment, and it had gone in her basket without a thought.
She wondered if she would open the box and assemble it. There would be that momentary thrill as it came together, the same thrill she got when she purchased it. But then it would sit there by her window. It would be a tossup to decide if the telescope would see use before she bought another. There was supposed to be a new model coming out soon with a gold plated eyepiece.
Either way the telescope would be a reminder. Eventually it would be moved to a balcony or another window, and then later to a box in the basement.
She knew responsible ponies did not impulse buy telescopes, but they made her happy. Or perhaps it was not quite happiness, but they made her feel something.
Twilight pulled her head off the window sill and let it fall against her chest as she curled up on the floor. She needed to listen for Spike coming up the stairs. Twilight did not want him to see her balled up underneath her window. Somedays she just wished she could curl up and cocoon herself in blankets without worrying about what somepony else might think.
Spike would immediately jump to the conclusion that she was sad or upset, and while that was not too far from the truth, it was not particularly correct either. Twilight just felt empty. Like there was something missing.
Sometimes she wondered if it was her love life. Ponies were supposed to fall in love, get married, and have families. She had just never felt the urge to pursue that, and it made her wonder if something was wrong with her.
A stallion had kissed her once, much to her surprise, way back in school. It happened too quick for it to leave more than a vague impression in her mind, but she did not remember hating it. However, as far as she knew no other pony had ever shown much of an interest. She liked to think that if a stallion asked her out, she would say yes. However, it seemed like so much work to go out and find somepony. It did not seem like a reasonable return on the investment of time and emotions.
Ultimately, she was forced to conclude, that even if her love life was the problem, she did not want to fix it enough to bring about any change. Lethargy was a great and powerful force.
She did not really believe that was the problem though. When she thought of finding a special somepony there was no thrill, even momentary. Her telescopes brought her more joy. It seemed too simple and mundane, and she liked to think she was a more nuanced pony.
Fillies were supposed to develop an interest in relationships as they grew into mares.
Twilight had always worked under the assumption that she had limited time in the world and so each moment needed to count. Each second had to be productive and propel herself towards something, even if she was not sure what it was. That was the point of all of her checklists and schedules. As long as she stuck to them, she would end each day as a better pony than the day before.
She would learn something new and experience something different with each sunrise. There were accomplishments, small and large, each week.
Yet it seemed like she was running in place.
Of course, her old assumptions about how the world work no longer seemed to apply.
She use to have one great reprieve from the stress, one thing that she could look forward to.
One day she was going to die.
She did not want to die. If she did there was a simple solution. Certainly, she thought about what it would be like to be dead, but what pony did not? At least she hoped it was normal, and not just another horrible thing to add to the list. Death was not something she looked forward to, but the knowledge that one day death would come for her had been a blessing.
She had known that a time would come when she could hang up her saddle. She would have passed all her tests, and her checklist would be clear. Her legacy would be secure and she could go to wherever it was ponies went to when they died: maybe the great pasture in the sky or maybe oblivion. She did not know, and it did not really matter.
The important thing was that there had been an end.
The Princess had taken that one shining beacon away from her.
Twilight was grateful, of course. Immortality was a great gift. There would be no limit to what she could learn and what she could accomplish. Her growth would never need to know an end. But where was the pressure? Why was she even bothering? What was the point of her checklists if there would always be tomorrow to get to it? She could always push things off to another day and know that she would live to see that day.
She wished that she could claim that her unease came from the dread of having to watch all of her friends grow old and die, but that was not it.
Perhaps it made her a bad friend, but she knew they would all die eventually anyways. Statistically, magically powerful unicorns tended to live longer than other ponies, and if her grandparents or great grandparents were anything to go by, Twilight would have always had a long life ahead of her.
Her working assumption had always just been that she would outlive her friends, anyway.
Age spells were on her “to learn” list after all.
She would miss her friends, but that was not what would grind her into dust.
It was going to be the monotony.
The hope of something new in death, of a release, had kept her going. She had known that one day there would be an end.
Could she live for a thousand years feeling empty?
Maybe she could if she had some hope that things might be able to get better.
Not for the first time she considered writing a letter to the Princess, THE letter to the Princess.
Celestia would not judge her. She never judged. She would tell Twilight kind words.
There was a chance that her words would just make things worse. They often did for Twilight. However, maybe if she was finally honest with her mentor she would receive true help.
Twilight could not imagine what that help might possibly look like, but if she could then she would not be stuck in her predicament in the first place.
She would not write the letter of course. She never did, and she did not think she ever would. That kind of open and raw honesty was something Twilight did not think she was capable of.
Adults were capable of being honest, even if it hurt.
However, even if she did want to write the letter, Twilight did not want to get near her desk again. There was a letter there from a familiar address, and just looking at it would drain everything she had. Twilight knew what the contents of the letter would be. Her mother was wondering if Twilight had gotten her last letter. She wanted to know if Twilight would be attending her uncle’s birthday party.
She had received the first letter last Tuesday. Today had been the last day to send her response by regular post if it was going to get there before the party.
Twilight wrote to her mother on the first and third Monday of every month precisely to avoid this type of thing. Any letter she wrote now would need to be filled with apologies and banalities about her week. She would have to include a little story about something she had been up to or else her mother would feel hurt. But then she would not have any material for her biweekly letters.
Twilight loved her mother. She loved talking to her family. She just hated writing to them. The Princess was about the only pony Twilight could stand to write to or receive letters from. With any other pony, there was just too much pressure.
She wanted to go to her uncle’s party; Twilight loved her uncle. However, there was only one way out of the situation now. She would need to miss his birthday and claim she had never received either letter. The lie would allow her to avoid the awkwardness that would come from having to explain why she had to send her response by overnight mail.
Dodging responsibility was not something adults did. Adults owned up to their mistakes. Lying to get out of trouble was something little fillies did.
She could not even write a Tartarus forsaken letter to her own parents.
It was her least favorite sound, the squeak of letters being pushed through the mail slot. Everytime she heard it, her entire body tensed up and her breathing quickened. Every letter was another obligation. Every letter she waited on was an explanation she had to give. She could only fabricate excuses so many times before the ponies on the other side of the mail would begin to catch on.
It was no surprise that she had not heard about Shining’s wedding until the moment before it happened.
During her university level classes, many of her fellow students would frequently spend the weekend getting drunk. She had asked a “friend” once why she drank. The response was “to have fun.” Another pony had once told her that it makes it easier to “hang out,” and yet another had called it “social lubricant.”
She had always looked down on those ponies as if she was somehow better than them. It seemed like there must be something categorically wrong with your life if you needed to be under the influence of some chemical to enjoy yourself. If a pony needed to be drunk to enjoy her friends, maybe she had the wrong friends.
But maybe they were onto something.
Twilight certainly was not having fun with her life.
Or maybe that was what it meant to actually be an adult. Maybe everypony was empty, just like her, and they simply found something to fill the hole so they could pretend it was not there. Perhaps they drowned their pain in banal pleasures until it stopped screaming for attention.
Not for the first time, Twilight considered going out to a bar and getting a drink. She had only ever had two glasses of champagne in her life, both at weddings, and both as part of ceremony more than anything else. She wondered if the alcohol would dull things, or if it could shut down her mind.
She did not dare pursue that experiment. Twilight looked at her obsessiveness and wondered how far it was from addiction. If she found something that could relieve her emotions, could she ever let it go?
It was ridiculous was what it was. She was literally living her dream life. She was an alicorn princess living in a tree full of books. Twilight had six amazing friends and great relationship with her lifelong mentor and another princess that now considered her to be an honorary sister. She was a national hero and skilled at nearly everything she put her hoof to.
There was nothing for which she lacked.
Anypony would be happy if they were in her hooves.
And still she was empty.
Twilight closed her eyes.
If she went to sleep now, the day would at least be over.
Twilight shook her head.
Twilight sighed and wiped at her eyes. Slowly she uncurled herself to stare at the ceiling. Spike would be calling her down soon. It was a surprise he had not already. Perhaps he knew that she needed time. Sometimes she underestimated how much he really picked up on.
There was a meteor shower tonight, and she was supposed to hang out with her friends to star gaze. Twilight glanced at the new telescope. If she had not wasted the last hour brooding, maybe there would have been time to assemble it.
It was probably for the best though. She did not think her friends would be able to tell the difference, but one of them might realize it was different. Even a simple comment of “that’s a nice telescope you have there,” would make her feel obligated to explain that there was nothing wrong with her old one. And Twilight did not know where that explanation would end.
She did not even need the stupid thing. Her magic picked up the box and flung it away from her. There was a tinkling sound as she heard a lense shatter.
Twilight was just a child throwing a tantrum.
She did not really want to get up. She could tell Spike she was feeling sick and send him out to the hill to meet with their friends. Of course, then she might have to worry about them coming to see how she was doing. Worse, if they did not come she would just wonder why they did not care enough to check on her.
It was stupid. If she told ponies to leave her alone and they ignored her she would be upset. If they listened to her she would be equally upset.
Telling the truth, that she simply did not feel like hanging out, was not an option. Somepony would ask why, and Pinkie would almost certainly try to cheer her up. Twilight would then need to either acquiesce or risk hurting her friends’ feelings.
If she stayed home she would be miserable all night. However, she would not need to pretend. Spread across her bedroom floor, she could wallow in peace, save for the occasional sound of Spike in the kitchen. Alone she could be honest.
Ever so slowly, she rolled over onto her hooves. Twilight knew that she would enjoy spending time with her friends if she forced herself to go. That was the key. That was why she really had all of her checklists and schedules. She knew that if she forced herself to go through the motions that one day they would stick.
That was supposed to be how things worked, wasn’t it?
If she was going to be unhappy either way, she might as well be unhappy with her friends. There would be no fulfillment with them, and she would need to put on the mask, but it was better than her dark room.
She just needed to keep telling herself that.
Maybe tomorrow she would grow up.
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Get out of my head.
This is really good... mostly. At first it was a pretty poignant tale of someone who has had everything handed to her, and all her mundane struggles and affairs always handled, and her own uncertainty and neuroses about not having to strike out on her own or learn to do things everyone else learned as a result.
And at the end, when she procrastinates on contact with others then misses out on plans and feels awful but assumes that she can't make up for it because it's been too long. That one hits close to home.
But in the middle... and she started complaining about being immortal, and being effortlessly talented, it lost me. And she came off as pretty callous when she started talking about how it was always her plan to outlive her friends.
It's still more good than bad though.
5534133
Actually, I kinda wanted that middle section to come off as sort of callous. Twilight has trouble connecting and relating with other ponies. Obviously it didn't achieve my desired effect, but I'm glad I at least got the feel right.
However, that middle section almost did not make the cut. Thematically it doesn't fit as well with the opening and closing, but the alternative section was a bit about her questioning if her friendships were "real" since it seemed like even destiny had given them to her. It worked better with the flow, but I thought it was winy.
Twilight's perception of adults is a bit.. skewed.
5534159
Hm... well, I'm not a particular fan of immortal Twilight. So, you can take my reaction to that part with a grain of salt: I'd be predisposed to not like that part as much anyway.
And... yeah I didn't connect her callousness to her difficulty in connecting to others, but it does fit... and the outliving plan also fits with her other musings on things like how she always assumed she was better than everyone else, probably because she excelled at school and was treated specially because she was so smart/talented, but as she grew older that feeling began to seem like an illusion... (which is another really good and relateable part... and again hits pretty close to home.)
Heavy on the ennui and lethargy, and the hopelessness of pointlessness. I really can't make myself see anything close to canon Twilight this way, but as an AU lead-in to stories like Unwell (which I also can't swallow without an AU tag), I think it's a decent exploration.
seemed
End with question mark.
Immortality just makes every moment even more precious, because the ones around you have so few.
I liked the story about Twilight and her emotional instability. There were some grammatical errors that should be looked at but the writing was mostly good. 7/10. (good)
Poor Twilight, some parts of her life will never be truly fulfilled because of her destiny. No matter how much she accomplishes as a princess, as a leader or as a hero all those mundane milestones that where eliminated from her life can never be recaptured. Twilight had always described herself as "an ordinary unicorn", but once more she's presented with irrefutable evidence that she is not, nor was she ever, ordinary. "Normal" milestones of life where eliminated for her to allow her to acquire the skills and knowledge she would need as a princess and this story shows her just realizing the negative repercussions of this. if the number of library patrons is still typical of what it was before she moved in, then the Ponyville library was kept open by the state specifically FOR her. Because so much of her work is important Celestia effectively gave her unlimited bits to work with, which actually might make her MORE obsessive as she feels she must earn the right to have spent the money though achievements. She might (and likely would) develop a complex where she has a need to prove her self worthy of all the advantages she's been given.
Love this story, was kind of gutwrenchingly sad. On the callous Twilight issue, my personally head canon matches what you said in this story, that powerful unicorns are long lived (take for example, mirror-verse King Sombra, he's just a unicorn, but has lived since before the banishment of NMM), so for her to have already accepted that would make her callousness towards the subject understandable.
This is probably the most genuinely depressing story I've seen here yet, a million times worse than any "dark" fic, because you can actually see a real person in there, with a real problem many people actually have to deal with. This sort of depression can be harder to handle than the kind where you're at least properly sad - if nothing else, at least that feels like something. It's something people can see is causing you distress.
Instead, here you go through one flat day after another, stretching endlessly into the future, with the knowledge that you won't ever be happy or sad or even really in pain about anything you'll get to actually experience, even if you make your best effort to try. There's no point in being motivated for anything, because you won't even enjoy the success. In a way it's a lot like being dead already and just not having caught up to it yet.
Stories like this make me really question aspects of everyday North American life, like why we all insist on working so hard all the time. Maybe it's because we're just a really industrious people.
It seems more likely that we're just trying to distract ourselves, because the thought of what might happen if we stop is more terrifying than the prospect of working ourselves to death.
Twilight, with no bills to pay, no debt hanging over her head, and no need to earn money for the things she needs and wants, can't even justify working herself to death, which prevents her from distracting herself, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want to distract herself, which reminds her that she can't, which makes her want
This is an incredibly bleak take on Twilight, and a chillingly accurate portrayal of clinical depression. The people dismissing Twilight's not being impressed with princesshood and her talents miss the point - those ARE wonderful things, and Twilight STILL isn't able to appreciate or enjoy them. Depression sucks everything good and enjoyable out of your life with scant regard to how 'good' you may have it.
5535177
That one's easy. Puritan work ethics (anything actually fun is sinful so you better be fucking productive) coupled with the deep-seated cultural myth that the American Dream - moving up in the world and becoming rich by simply working hard enough with your own hands - was ever actually true. That complex of bad ideas pretty much informs all of US culture to some degree or another.
5535242
Leave it to stuffy English-types to ruin all the good stuff in the world.
At least we still have hulagirls.
5535298
We will always have hulagirls.
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This was an awesome read!
It's unusual to see a sad story in the feature box that actually caches my eye; yet this was wonderful!
The way you depicted the negative side of the idealistic life Twilight experience truly resonated with me.
I just hope you left the story end unresolved because that's the kind of feeling you wanted to leave the readers and not because you couldn't come up with an answer to Twilights dilemma...
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/107/239/1300538996109.jpg
I will follow you from now on.
~Leonzilla
Hoo-boy. That story was really something.
Speaking from personal experience, you really nailed the effects of depression. Even though you may have everything, none of it feels worthwhile... which in turn makes you feel that you're a bad person for not appreciating what you have, which makes you feel even worse.
Interesting, if brief, take on the immortality debate. I'm inclined towards the "immortality is bad" side myself, but not just because of the "watch your friends grow old and die" thing, which everyone has a chance of doing anyway. I think that section fits with the theme of the story just fine: it's a huge symbol of how Twilight doesn't get to lead a normal life, which makes her feel inept and inferior to those who do manage all the day to day tasks of normal life without difficulty.
Kudos, upvoted, gonna take a look at what else you've written now.
5535547
What dilemma, though? There is nothing to be resolved, she could do or change whatever she feels like about her life and it wouldn't actually matter. Those aren't the real problem to begin with.
5535550
To her, though, right now, it is very much a bad thing. Life is... heavy, I suppose, when you feel like that. Everything is just slightly too straining to be comfortable, even on a good day. She doesn't feel bad enough to want to kill herself, but the thought of eventually getting to let that go was comforting. Now she doesn't have that anymore.
Oh Luna, I'm not the only one.
5535576
You're asking what I mean by dilemma?
You see.
She in fact has a large list of problem clearly shown in this fic and she doesn't even know how to begin to solve them because her own mind keeps coming up with reasons why even try to ask for help would be a bad idea.
The conflict of this story or the problems Twilight face here include:
-Dreading the prospect of life monotony.
-Being conflicted about her displeasure towards being immortal.
-Being unable to see herself as mature and independent in her own eyes.
-Feeling that she should be something that she is not.
-Anxiety towards having a postal correspondence with anypony but the Celestia.
-Being aware of her own habits of being obsessive and so being afraid to try things(like alcohol) that might sedate the emptiness she feels out of fear that she might develop an addiction/dependence.
-Common depression. By being unable to find significance in anything to help her feel better.
-and finally concluding that the best thing is to bottle all her feelings and never let them out, which while is a satisfactory temporary solution, it implies a very fragile state of mind and a sanity that could be broken by the smallest conflict. It's a struggle to even join her friends for a good time in that state of mind, is good that she was able to reason with herself and resolved on why she should go but she won't necessarily be so lucky next time when she could just as easily find an excuse not to go.
and that's just from the top of my head I'm sure I could find more if I start looking in there.
So dealing with all this and more is what I meant by Twilight's dilemma.
~Leonzilla
That was beautifully sad. I can relate to Twilight is some ways myself.
Too bad there are not more responsible humans in the world.
Most ponies don't wear clothes.
And it bothers her. A lesser mare would have long ago decided it was her right. Again, too bad more humans can't feel this way.
Feeling like your doing something important is not the same as actually doing it.
It's only six months after her coronation? I like this timeline too. It makes more sense than "the shows fours years old, four years have gone by in Ponyville."
She is a child; a Princess sees that her people are fed before she feasts.
Remove your crown. Leave Celestia and Spike. Leave Ponyville, she can do it.
It is, on both counts.
I know that feeling. Twilight is a mare after my own heart it looks like.
Stop writing about my own life.
Luna? Or rather, what about Luna?
Ow.
Really fine work. Articuno greatly approves. What else you got for me?
First world Princess Problems the fic right here. Maybe she could fire her assistant if she wanted to be more independent.
5534133 I agree. Exastential crisis--es, are best met with new hobbies, vacations, cultural events and other such things. If Twilight is depressed about how easy her life is, perhaps she should set higher, loftier goals. Curing hunger, healing the sick, delivering mail-- something endless that can't really be "solved" but would still make the world a better place.
Perhaps, much like a prison inmate, she needs a packet of seeds and a pot of soil. Something of her own to nurture and grow that she's done on her own.
I think when we read stories like this it's important to look at both sides of the coin. Not every consequence of Twilight's situation is negative and the term "normal" is relative. Twilight's issue, and one that will persist, is her realization that what is "normal" for most ponies isn't normal for her and her coming to terms with the losses that go hand in hand with the gains she has made. She has accomplished great things and will continue to do so but the context of her accomplishments is far different and when and how she reaches certain milestones of life will be different. She built up expectations of "normalcy", of life going in a certain order, but that fact her life will never be normal shakes the foundation of her being. All the princesses are likely neurotic in some fashion for these same reasons, Cadance likely thought she'd grow up to be a farmer's wife and have lots of foals, not be an Empress, Celestia and Luna have never experienced "normal" life, meaning a part of their subjects will forever be alien to them. Twilight is suitable terrified now that she's "joined the club" of the abnormality of being an alicorn.
Nice fic. You have good perception for apathy.
The question of immortality is a very good one. If I was immortal, I would probably sleep until the Judjement Day, or whatever. Also, nice idea with checklists. Fave!
5535593
I can relate, too.
Unfortunately, I found this one completely missed me, sorry. I felt more annoyed at Twilight than anything else - in this sort of instance I can NEVER forget the thought in the back of my head about the less fortunate for whom this sort of problem would be considered a first-world issue.
Leaving ASIDE the blinding obvious that, in saving the world three times (and an assist with one more) and the country once in the last four years, Twilight has more than earned a permenant stipend - as have her friends - because if it wasn't for them, there would be no-one around to feel mopey. If she really is desparate to find meaning, to do something worthwhile, I'm sure there are no end of ponies even in a place like Equestria - or beyond if it's really THAT idyllic - that need help or assistance.
It is forever at the back of my mind that as I sit in a warm, light room with all the trappings of technology, there are people out there who haven't eaten or drunk at all today. As a result, I can never find much sympathy for this sort of thing, because that thought rears up all too often. It's good, because it helps keep my perspective on things. If one happens into be "lucky" like Twilight is (as this is ignoring the aforementioned fact that, actually, she is doing a "job" i.e. saving Equestria - that puts both her and her friends at great personal risk and has thus damn well EARNED every break she's been given), one should be grateful for it and if one feels guilty about it, then by all means spread one's good fortune around as much as possible to those who really are in need.
(Actually, maybe she's right and she is acting as a child, because she's considering that doing mundane stuff is what makes you an "adult." It isn't.)
If it's because she's suffering from some sort of depression, then instead, she needs to make sure to get help, because depression is nasty and insideous and potentially tragic; indeed, if it is so, it makes it even more important she talk to someone about this.
(Also, all that said, given as I was told I was middle-aged at eleven and am thus now definitely Old at thirty-five, I am not perhaps the best authority to go to on this sort of thing...)
Thats some nice story you have there.Your reflections(i dunno if thats the right word,google translate said so) are very good and logical.Overall nice fic descripting depression.I love such fics.But i didnt like the ending :/
5535242
Yeah, the "American Dream" never existed. Most rich people today inherited their wealth instead of earning it. Why does that myth persist even though we see that it really doesn't work at all? Why do so many people believe in it even though it simply doesn't really apply to today's world? When you think about it, the founding fathers really seemed like a bunch of complaining, entitled aristocrats, whining about taxes they had to pay because Britain had to get their out of the war and now after they did that the British government wants additional taxes in order to pay for getting the American colonies out of that mess.
And it seems like that attitude is still alive and well today with the American rich some how thinking they are "middle class" when in reality they simply aren't.
http://economistsview.typepad.com/economistsview/2012/10/the-american-dream-has-become-a-myth.html
Huh. Well, you managed to put it into words.
Eventually, everybody must grow up. Excellent read.
5536285 It's called the pursuit of happiness. The American Dream is just that, a dream. A good and just dream, where people who are persistent and can overcome adversity are given their due. Sadly, reality rarely measures up. But that doesn't mean the American Dream isn't real. It is the belief in that ideal, driving people forward to greater things.
You are correct however, that it applies less and less to present day America. The 1% pay about 37% of all taxes collected. Millions of able adults no longer take responsibility for themselves, and instead live off government assistance rather than earning their own bread. All the wrong companies are given breaks, while smaller businesses have to fend for themselves. It should be in this environment that the American Dream should shine. But it's not, and I have to say it is rather troubling.
5536417
Despite making vastly more than 37% of the total wealth. In other words: they pay less taxes than everyone else.
5536565 Yes, but they can never retire, they pay more than the average working man
5536667
Can't retire? The mega-wealthy could literally do nothing and still earn more than thousands of people put together. There isn't actually a wealth tax, you know. In extreme cases, having lots of money gets you more income than working does.
In fact, what you just said makes no sense whatsoever. If it were true nobody could retire; the wealthy have much lower expenses as a percentage of their wealth than everyone else.
5536697 Heard this from my Creative Writing class, they get taxed more, and the government no longer gives them any financial support
Relatable thoughts that I don't share, but agree with. Weird, I know. It's a fine line from dullness to hardship.
5536706 The ones who 'can't retire' are the ones who consider $2000 worth of groceries, three houses, a yacht, and a live-in nanny 'necessities'.
I have a friend who keeps asking for money because he can't afford the mortgage on his $3 million house. "Without it my wife will leave me!" Gaah.
The rich pay less taxes than anyone else by most reasonable measures, but they will never, ever stop complaining about it, because the way to get rich is to be a jerk who lies about everything and cheats the system (and other people) in any way that won't get you arrested. There've been studies.
5536832 They're also in a Culture of Power
5536903 Well, it's not about society judging her, it's about her judging herself. She wants to be self-reliant and when she looks at how the things she does get paid for she realizes that she's really not.
This isn't completely foreign to the series ('all I do is smile and wave') although the focus on money in particular might be. Although there's also the 'can't feed myself' and 'hate writing letters' bit.
(I can feed myself! I have a microwave. Someone needs to get Twilight a microwave.)
5536417
>Someone else uses the Hogfather belief scene
>It's about the American Dream
>MFW
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Great story, and it does seem like Celestia tends to infantilize others in her efforts to help them, even if, like Twilight, they deserve what they get. I wouldn't be surprised if Blueblood feels the same feelings of dependence and inadequacy (with more justification).
Even Cadance, finally gets her chance at independence and what does she do? Her primary goal is throwing the pony Olympics so she can prove to her aunt she's an independent mare.
I wouldn't be surprised if Luna had also wanted that post in the Crystal Empire, for the exact same reasons, right now she comes off as the sibling equivalent of a consort more than anything.
And none of it is because Celestia is anything less than a kind, good pony who just wants to help the ponies around her, and couldn't reach the common touch with a 60 foot pole. You know she was soooooo proud of herself for sticking Twilight in Ponyville. "Not gonna make the same mistakes I did with Sunset Shimmer, this one's going to be an independent, well-adjusted adult for sure! "
5536933 PLEASE SOME ONE GET HER A MICROWAVE! <3
Good story and you got the hit on many people here ^^
2 things from me.
First of the only difference between adults ans child's are that adults have become better at lying and dodging responsibility
Second of the empty feeling in your heart is not really empty it just want´s more and is a part of your survival instinct that survived the stone age. As you would have to go out everyday to hunt to survive, this felling is there to keep you going. But well today you can go to the next supermarket and be done for the week.
You want that gone? Well aim for the Horizon knowing that you never reach it, if you are capable of withstanding the knowledge that you never succeed.
5534204 Takes awhile to realize adults are just bigger kids with more expierence. Or maybe everyone I know has just never grown up.
5537397
Growing old is obligatory. Growing up is optional. A very unpopular option.
Im sorry, but to me, this just sounds like "woe is me, I dont need to worry about money". Some would argue that the "meat" of the story is precisely in what Twilight considers an adult is, but im just not seeing it.
And id say saving the world from total destruction twice, your country from shapeshifter infestation once, and ponies in general from magic-stealing centaurs another time, kinda merits you some income. And a palace. And apparently, wings.
And after saying all that in the last paragraph, I realized why the story doesnt do it for me. We know how much twilight has done for her fellow ponies. And this was kind of the original problem in the s4 finale, Twikight feeling kinda useless. And then Tirek happened.
5537694 5536092
I find the "Twilight has saved Equestria, she deserves what she has" viewpoint an odd one. Not that it is wrong, just that it is alien to me and does not sit well. I wonder if I can explain.
My parents have an elderly neighbor who lives across the street. When it snowed we would all go out, shovel the drive and then deal with her drive. She would, inevitably, give us a giftcard or something like that with a Christmas card saying "thank you."
Then one year she stopped giving us cards or anything like that. I don't know why, but we kept shoveling her drive. We weren't doing it for the thanks, and I don't really think that we deserved thanks. It was simply the right thing to do and we were in the position to do it.
Twilight is a hero. Saving the day is just what she does and not her job. Should a pony be set for life if they saved Equestria once? What about just Cloudsdale? Were is the line? It might be different if she was on some sort of defense force, where her job was to be ready and waiting for calamity to strike.
And... I don't know. I suppose I don't see good deeds deserving of praise, but instead see the lack of good deeds deserving of chastisement. Maybe it just has to do with how I view the world.
I would love to jump into some of the other conversations shooting around. Maybe tomorrow when I have more time.
Jeez.
This could very well be the best fic I've ever read. I suppose so much of what I do read is light and nice, since I steer clear of the "so and so died and Equestria is now a wasteland," but this was just so perfectly heavy and personal, and it really struck a chord. I mean, you wrote about such relatable topics, and you did it so well! And although I personally don't agree with the "alicorn = immortality" idea (probably because in my eyes immortality is hell), you definitely incorporated it ingeniously. What else can I say?
I'll put in the few errors I found here because I'd hope that someone would do the same for me:
Perhaps change the their to a she, since their is a plural pronoun.
And of course I forget the other mistake, but that's most of what I saw.
Again, fantastic story; looking through your other stories just now, though, that doesn't surprise me. I've read a few of them (most notably "Influence"), and I've seen a good chunk of them in the featured box.
Keep up the stupendous work.
5537763
No, chastisement doesn't really work if you use it as the main incentive. Punishment tends to make people hate everything related to their punishment, while reward makes people like everything related to the reward. So if you want people to hate their society and eachother, then you make punishment your main incentive.
Other than that, there's some philosophical or moral reasoning about whether or not it's right to expect reward from good deeds, but like most purely philosophical debates, the answer doesn't effect anything at all.