A Journey Beyond Sanity

by Darkwing Dust

Chapter 102: Recollection of Sorrow

"Thank you so much again, Stardust, for keeping an eye on my precious little foals while we were busy."

Said foals, in all their endearing glory, were currently using my body as a climbing set, myself sat down on all four limbs and making sure the cute baby ponies wouldn't fall while grabbing onto my fur and the like. I smiled at the two parents entering the room. "No prob. I always enjoy looking after the kids." Pumpkin Pie making babble noises into my right ear regardless.

Cupcake beamed at the sight. "I'm so glad we can count on you, with Pinkie setting up another party." Ah yes, the late Birthday party Pinkie decided to throw for me. I believe she said that was going to happen... Tonight. Wonderful, I can prepare early then.

You would need to be patient on that, Jack.

My expression flicked, keeping still for the blue Earth Pony to pry her clingy foals off my fur. Hey Starswirl, what's up?

A moment of your time, my friend, if you would.

Carrot Cake disrupted my inward conversation. "I don't suppose you'd be happy to babysit again next week, would you?"

Does Undertale have a fanbase the size of the Amazon? "Of course, I'd be more than happy to." I grinned, regarding the two energetic twins being lovingly snuggled by their mother with fondness.

Anyway, you were saying teacher?

Hm? Already addressing me as that without sarcasm?

Whether the two adult equines noticed my smirk, they didn't comment. Hey, new me, remember Starswirl? Old me would've been far more reluctant for some magic pony ghost to be his mentor, but now, considering everything you've done for me; bringing me back here, reuniting me with my second family... After sending me to Canterlot High first.

Yes, still annoyed over that.

"Stardust?"

Huh? Oh right.

"Sorry, was lost in thought." I shook my head, smiling sheepishly. "What did you say Mrs Cupcake?"

It was her husband who answered first, "We were just about to say how glad we are that you're back from your trip. From the way your friends made it sound, it gave off the impression we never would have seen you again."

Cupcake nodded. "And that certainly would've been disheartening to us all." Followed by a relieved small grin. "But we're happy you've returned now. Ponyville just wasn't the same without you. Welcome home, Stardust."

Oh, I imagine it wouldn't have changed too much in my absence. Some would say it benefited grateful without the residential critic. But the fact the townsfolk sounded so pleased to see me once more...

Well, I'm happy, for lack of better words.

I grinned myself. "Thank you. It's great to see you both again, along with Pinkie and the two enthusiastic foals currently trying to get off your limbs." That was responded with a shared chuckle between parents, gently coddling their youthful children with such loving gazes and touches.

I'm glad, myself, for how accepting you are to your life here in Equestria from hereon. The aged voice sounded amused. I must admit, the thought of you being slightly more reluctant to stay crossed my mind for a brief time.

Yeah, well... Where's Sombra, by the way? I haven't heard his daily snark yet.

The former King is resting within the depths of your mind. Resting? Even a spirit requires a moment to rejuvenate; the energy exerted to communicate much less inhabit the mind of a living being is more draining than you realize.

Poor King. I shall miss his ever-charming personality until he wakes up.

Starswirl chuckled while I excused myself from the married bakers, giving Pumpkin Pie and Pound Cake one last soft hug before leaving downstairs to the exit. In the meantime, I believe it's time we began with the proper education required to learn and exercise your full potential.

Hm? I almost paused on a step. But I thought that journey to the Dragon Lands was part of the training?

That was a situation, although we benefited from it by teaching you to combine your will with the force of balance itself. Now, it's time we give you an official induction to the ways of this style of magic. To unite the very forces of Chaos and Harmony - Light and Dark - into the realm few ponies have ever traversed.

...Alright then. If you think I'm ready... How do we start, Qui-Gon?

I pictured the pleased smile. Return to the castle, and gather your friends. They might be needed for this... Entrance exam, shall we say.

---

"Thanks again for coming everyone." I took my seat, smiling at the gathered mares and dragon around the cutie map table. The throne was actually pretty comfortable, a velvet cushion softening our posteriors beneath. "Sorry if you were all busy with something else."

Rarity waved in graceful dismiss. "Darling please, if there's something our friend must share with us, we're all ears."

"That's right," Twilight concurred to my right, smiling expectantly in my direction. "And if it's coming from you, it must be important." Right, I wouldn't have called my friends here without a good reason. "So, what is it?" All heads regarded me curiously after Twilight's question.

Leaning back somewhat, I cocked my head, getting straight to business. "That's what I intend on finding out. Spec- Starswirl wanted us all here." They all blinked, whereas Twilight was glowing in anticipation, leaning forward more to hear this. The others knew about the true identity of my new teacher by now, before you ask. "He says it's time for me to finally begin my training on balance itself."

There was a split-second of processing that. "Well, I'll be," Applejack began with a proud smile. "I'm glad to hear it."

"We all are." Twilight affirmed, grinning in both pride and excitement. "Congratulations Jack; you're going to learn from one of the greatest ponies who ever lived!"

"This calls for a party!"

Rarity chuckled at Pinkie's burst. "Quite right Pinkie dear, but perhaps we can hold such a celebration until afterwards." The pink mare deflated somewhat, but still beamed happily. Rarity looked over in my direction. "We're proud of you Stardust, you deserve such a prestigious honour. But I do get the sensation this wasn't the sole reason for calling us here."

Miss Rarity is correct.

The others followed my head suddenly snapping upwards, thinking I saw something in the hanging tree chandelier above.

The purpose behind my request of summoning your friends here was to assist, if they desire, in your first real trial towards leaning the proper ways of this form of magic.

"Erm, Stardust?" Spike questioned.

"He must be speaking with Starswirl the Bearded...!" Twilight was barely containing her pure bliss at the concept. "Ooh, what's he saying right now? Is it some wise lecture never before heard to Equestrian ears?"

You can speak with me vocally, if you'd prefer. Although I ask for you to also relay my words to your friends as well... Beginning with telling the Princess I greet her warmly.

Can do, I guess.

"Starswirl says hello, Twilight." My girlfriend blinked, before practically vibrating in her seat, leaning so close to the edge she could fall. Spike, however, intervened, keeping a steady claw on the over-enthusiastic mare. The others were simply paying attention. Satisfied, I looked up again. "But I thought you said I passed my tests."

And so you did. I imagined the ancient unicorn nodding. And those were essential steps. However, this will be the first official test to utilizing the power of Balance itself under my guidance. You will be given a chance to relive a moment of your life, a part of you which struggles to overcome itself in the name of inner peace.

Relaying those words, it was Fluttershy who inquired first, "But, I thought you were over your past mistakes?"

Before I could open my muzzle to reassure the concerned pegasus, Starswirl answered in my head, Indeed, but only partially. You learned to adapt from your mistakes over Sombra's former influence against you. You shared your burdening past with your friends. But that was only the beginning, for you are to overcome a much younger past, long before your first arrival into Equestria.

...You don't mean...?

I paid little attention to the others worried expressions at my hesitant look, while my teacher replied solemnly, Yes. For your initiation test, you must venture to past memories and learn from them... Completely.

...Which past memories...?

The tone almost sounded apologetic. The days of which you are ashamed of the most.

...Great... Just great...

Rainbow asked, "Stardust?"

"Sorry, yes."

I cleared my throat, repeating Starswirl's words to the others. Once finished, the blue pegasus frowned. "So what, you're going to relive the past to get over it? And here we thought you were done with that already!" The rest nodded, some glancing at me sympathetically.

So did I, but it seems the wise dead unicorn thinks otherwise. Exactly how was I to get over those mistakes? I made far too many there. Hell, I much preferred repressing my recollections of those years in favour of the new memories I made here.

"Is it absolutely necessary?" And I knew Rarity was addressing Starswirl more than I.

Unfortunately so. It is required for you to balance the light and darkness in your heart properly; balance shan't deem you a worthy permanent candidate otherwise. For a while, you merely borrowed its power: For it to, at last, acknowledge you as its new champion, you must find the gentle mix of black and white oceans rampaging within you. And to do so, you must remember every detail from childhood to teenage years.

Oh bloody fantastic...!

Which is why your friends are here. Wait what? He almost sounded amused as I suddenly looked up again in earnest confusion, You need not be alone doing this. Your friends, should they wish to, may accompany you through these memories. And, perhaps, they might learn something for themselves along the way.

But that would mean...!

"Well, what's he saying?"

The words flew from my muzzle admist my own hesitation and worry, noticing their widened eyes at the offered prospect. "You mean, we can see into your past with you?" Twilight asked, sounding particularly stunned.

That's what I was worried about. The very idea of these people - my second family - witnessing my past errors and mistakes firsthand filled me with both anxiety and dread.

As though reading my thoughts, or simply by telling my downcast expression, my friends were quick to reassure me gently. "Whatever happened back then, we won't judge you for it," Twilight said with a kind smile, and I honestly wished the thrones were close enough for physical reassurance. "But... Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I'm not sure... Would YOU want to see the [BEEP] I've been through, much of which has been my own fault...?"

"Nothin' will change how we feel about ya Star." Applejack winked merrily.

"You already told us about how bad your past life was, how bad would it be seeing it for ourselves?" Rainbow asked smugly.

If only you knew...

"I say, bring it! We'll help ya get through these bad memories of yours, so you can fianlly get over yourself!"

"Yeah!" Pinkie pumped the air happily.

"Thanks... I think." Was my response to Rainbow's encouragement(?), smiling with renewed hope at all the agreeing mares and dragon. "Would it really be okay for you all?"

Everyone exchanged looks, clearly reaching an unspoken conclusion. Fluttershy nodded, answering for all my grinning friends. "Of course."

"Even though it could possibly change your opinion of me overall?"

Rarity scoffed lightheartedly. "I wish you'd stop being so melodramatic all the time darling. It'll be fine!"

Rainbow snorted, feigning ignorance to Rarity's glare from ridiculing her hypocrisy. But still, I was now grinning. They trusted me WAY too much; if they really wanted to see everything I've been through as a kid and teen...

Well, they're in for a ride.

Starswirl, evidently having been waiting, spoke with some satisfaction, We may begin at once, if you are prepared to face this now.

I relayed that to the others, and Twilight nodded with resolve. "Let's do this then. That is if you're just as ready, Jack. Are you absolutely, positively certain you want to do this?"

Good question. WAS I ready... Ah [BEEP] it. What I responded with had the others grin in appeasement, and Twilight glowing with much more pride. "I have my friends with me, how can I not be certain?"

Then let us begin posthaste, my friend; have everyone form a circle together. Connect your hoofs - and claw, should Spike be also participating - and we shall start without delay.

As instructed, the mares, Spike and I took a spot behind my throne around one another, the palm of our limbs pressed against each other in a perfect circle of the bonds we share. And, trusting my friends and my teacher, this time I literally anticipated everything turning a sudden complete white.

---

...Before finding myself on familiar ground.

Very familiar ground.

"Well..." I muttered, whereas the others looked around in surprise. "He certainly wasn't kidding regarding childhood..."

Because surrounding our rather transparent bodies was a large ground filled to the brink of running, babbling, enthusiastic kids until break time was over. Watching the children in awe, Fluttershy's yelp caught our sudden attention; the mare jumping in surprise as one kid ran straight through her. Applejack, testing it out, gently extended her limb, only to find the same student running through it in favour of heading elsewhere.

"Where are we?" Rainbow inquired, looking around her.

My own eyes, meanwhile, cast to the building to my left, small in structure but enough to house these little demons. "Primary school..."

"Primary school?"

"A place where kids until the age of ten or eleven attend." And waves of nostalgia flowing through my senses like a current, glancing around again at all the babbling kids with those school uniforms. Twilight, meanwhile, was inspecting an oblivious human child with unhidden curiosity, and I imagined the mare would be taking notes if she could.

And Pinkie? She was currently hopping behind some running students merrily, joining in whatever fun these kids were having.

Rarity mumbled something under her breath, eyeing the red uniform in particular, before glancing around herself. "So then, where are you?"

Good question. If we were in my memories, I should surely be around-

Ah... "There I am." They all followed my pointing hoof towards the small, grinning child following after some other kids; a few I recognized easily, and that incited a pang within my chest. My younger self walked by us, an expression of naive glee glued to his features-

By God, was my hair really so small back then? It looked like it was shaven by the military!

We followed after the young kid across the playground, Rainbow speaking up again. "Huh, I kinda see the resemblance." Thank you, I guess? "Doesn't look too bad; where are these 'bad times' you're suppose to be remembering?"

On cue, the magic revealed itself.

"Oh." Was all Rainbow could say after her question was answered, as my younger self suddenly found himself in the center of a group of other boys his age, jeering and mocking in his oblivious state. I downright cringed at the sight, whereas the others looked surprise.

"That was abruptly sudden."

I nodded at Rarity's comment, regarding my ten-year-old self with pity. "They would always seek out an opportunity to gang up on me back then, even some I supposedly called my friends." Poor past me; if he believed it would've been all over in middle and high school, he was sorely mistaken. "Whenever I said or did anything weird to their eyes, they lashed out. That or just simply picking on me because I was an easy target back then."

I glanced at the others, not keen on seeing my younger self get verbally bullied much longer. There were mad and saddened expressions at the sight, which was what I was afraid of.

"We can leave now if-"

Twilight shook her head, still observing with sympathy dancing in her eyes. "No, we agreed to face this with you; we're not about to leave you to recall these painful memories by yourself." The others nodded, prompting the purple determined mare to look my way.

...Alright.

Then, by magic, the area around us warped into a blur, causing us all to whirl around in surprise and slight apprehension. But, luckily, it was only the scene changing elsewhere, and we were immediately greeted by my younger self walking freely across the rough playground...

Only to get hit in the right side of the face by a football.

"Now before you ask." I was quick to reassure the gasping others, smiling a little at their worry. "This was only an accident." Yeah, the one time my old school mates unintentionally attacked me. My past self slowly recovered from the abrupt hit, reassuring the concerned students who were partially responsible for the assault.

Twilight watched the scene in interest. "They don't seem to be too hostile to your younger self here."

"Not ALL the students enjoyed making me their favourite pastime to indulge their superiority complexes." My green-blue eyes watched myself leave while rubbing the sore spot against the side of my head, rubbing my own at the memory. Wonder if that was also responsible for the ruptured eardrum back then...

And the scene shifted again.

...Ah great...

"Now that I did alot back then..."

Was my response to my past self sitting against the wall, knees to his chest with tears flowing freely down his rather unappealing face. Hey, I can call my younger self ugly if I wanted to. Rarity and Fluttershy, looking quite saddened at the display, walked forward only to be stopped by a extended limb.

"Don't." I glanced at their surprised faces before looking back at the pathetic state. "This was only an attempt back then for more attention." As if hearing his older, more mature self criticize the tactics of back then, ten-year-old me only sobbed harder, and I forced myself to steel my heart at the spectacle, rolling my eyes at the sheer display.

Nope, not letting my fondness for kids to get to me here...

"What's wrong with a little bit of attention?" Pinkie asked rhetorically, hopping forward before the sitting boy with a bright smile on her features. Jesus, imagine the expression if he suddenly could see the massive equine standing over him with a [BEEP]-eating grin on her face. The pink Earth Pony proceeded to pull out a balloon from nowhere and make an animal... In my memories.

Mistress of fourth-wall breaking, ladies and gentlemen.

"Ya do know he can't see ya, right?"

Pinkie ignored Applejack's question in favour of creating a balloon animal which slowly rose before reaching the blue illusion of a sky. Shaking my head, I continued without any sympathy for my younger self, "Back then, my autism was in full form; making my decisions, choosing my words, enduring the consequences so its host may suffer for it. I craved attention, and not for the right reasons. And I would go through any means to by noticed, even if that included getting bullied by some inept jerks for it."

And look how that turned out!

A certain someone took obvious note of my bitter tone. "You shouldn't blame yourself for that." Ah yes, Twilight would object to how harsh I was treating my oblivious past self, who was being promptly ignored by other playing students. "What happened back then wasn't in your control; you shouldn't consider yourself at fault for having no control of your disability, nor should the students have picked on you for it. Surely you see that?"

The answer from me was a small, ironic smile. Even if I did, Twilight, it might be too late altogether...

Spike, evidently not wanting to see me cry regardless of my past, present or future, slowly walked up to my sitting former self, reaching out, before his claw only touched emptiness, the scene abruptly shifting to something else.

---

To one I would hardly consider nostalgic.

For, before us, sat a much older version of myself from the one we just witnessed, in the same position with his back against the wall waiting for break to be over - I always did enjoy arriving to places early - glaring up defiantly at another student who glared down at the younger Jack, spewing hateful words. Now this I remembered more vividly. This version of me adorned the black older uniform of my next school.

"Attire could use a little work on..." Rarity mumbled under her breath.

"Middle school?" Twilight guessed correctly. My only answer was a nod, wincing at my younger self beginning to have his [BEEP] kicked in, helplessly, by the other boy whom I had talked back to in foolish defiance. The student kicked down at my former life's legs and arms, taking immense pleasure in beating up the boy all on his own without any witnesses.

"When I finished primary, I had foolishly hoped my troubles would be over... But of course, fate had other ideas."

As if heeding my words, the awful memory warped into something else, which prompted my much bigger grimace and weary sigh. The others gasped lightly at the same Jack they just saw get attacked in a grassy field, surrounded by middle schoolers all too happy with harassing someone for being in their favourite hanging out spot.

"Why would they do such a thing...?" Fluttershy asked in exaggerated horror.

I shrugged sheepishly. Again, another error on my part. "I was in their favourite spot."

Rarity sounded relatively [BEEP]ed. "The gall... That gives these animals no right to bully you this way!"

"Tell that to them..." Even Rainbow sounded displeased by the scene, like she was restraining herself from something.

And everything changed again. And we were greeted by an even further unpleasant memory. We could only observe at another student pouring sand down my former self's back before he noticed the sneak-up. I swore I heard Spike growl a little at the display. And the scene shifted again, this time to where my school bag dropped from the pressure of too many items within, including my empty lunch box and half-filled giant water bottle.

"Didn't you have friends who could help you through your troubles?" Twilight eventually asked while we all followed after my disgruntled image of a past self after hastily stuffing everything back in the bag. "You told us you weren't alone through your years of middle and high school."

I couldn't restrain the snort. "Oh, don't get me wrong, I had 'friends.'" Air quotations around that particular word. "But in the sense that they were friends I commonly spoke with, and nothing more." I wasn't entirely too surprised when we were now inside the old community room, greeted by students who had similar conditions to myself, mentally or physically. "I wasn't so close as to divulge my secrets or worries to any of them. Hell, my teachers were more friends than my supposed actual friends were."

"Surely you don't blame them?"

"My friends Rarity?" I shook my head, smiling pitifully at my younger self smiling and laughing with the other students, the ones I got along with who wouldn't judge me for being me... Well, not too much, anyway. "I never blamed them. I often kept to myself. Hell, it took coaxing from my parents for me to express the hardships I endured throughout my school years. No one needed to burden themselves with my own problems."

"Helping a friend isn't a burden, Jack." Twilight protested quietly, shaking her own head at the gesture. "You should've let them help you." It wasn't a lecturing, stern tone, but soft and rather upset.

"I know." But too little, too late, wouldn't you say?

"Well, at least this time yer younger self actually looks happy about somethin'."

Cue scene change.

"You just had to jinx that, didn't you Applejack?"

Rainbow's rhetorical snark was followed by the grey warped area morphing into a certain scene-

"Oh God..."

The others glanced at me for that exasperation, before looked with the crowd of gathered students. An entire year group, I might add, all to watch a play used to demonstrate the dangers of drinking. And this was one of those times I truly embarrassed myself in front of the school body.

And that was saying a lot.

"What's happenin' now?"

An irrepressible sigh escaped my muzzle. "Now, Applejack, before you is a short play by some enthusiastic adults about the dangers of mating via consumption of too much alcohol." I didn't need to see to know the bright redness now suddenly enveloping their features. In contrast to the student body, who all looked entirely fazed by the group of adults explaining why drinking is bad and all that jazz.

Then, hearing a question from the adult male, to which my younger self - sitting at the back on a table behind many others - raised his hand... And was selected, I knew what was coming, ignoring Spike's startled state when my hoofs clamped his baby ears shut for younger Jack's following answer.

And an uproar of laughter followed.

Oh yeah... Good times...

"I didn't hear the end of that for a good while." The mares, meanwhile, as Spike swiped off my hoofs, looked stunned at what just happened, whereas I simply grimaced, yearning to forget that incident completely.

"You know, I think you told us about this..." Hm? Rainbow's pink eyes lit up in recollection. "Yeah, I remember you describing the most embarrassing thing you did in high school back then?"

What? "I can't have; I don't remember telling any of you about this...?"

Applejack smirked faintly. "You might not have been in the best of state back then..." The others shared a knowing look, simply piling on more to my confusion. What were they-?

"Now what?" Rainbow asked at the next change of scenery, greeted this time by...

Ah.

"This doesn't look too awful," Fluttershy commented at the display before us this time. A much naive version of me in the days of handing out treats to almost every girl in the school. "Is that younger you giving out sweets?"

"Yep." And the girls I was giving chocolate to on this particular day came of no surprise. But my attention, as was with my younger self's, was moreso focused on the one I was convinced back then was an angel in disguise. Blond flowing hair, Goddess-like features, a heart-stopping smile and pure bright blue eyes...

"Jack?"

"...I was a fool."

And the scene shifted, followed by Twilight's curious noise. "Huh?"

"I spent so many years in that school believing the girls I became acquainted with would understand me more than my fellow gender would." Cue another day scene of myself handing out another group of girls some chocolate, the sight of familiar faces prompting my grimace. "Everyday I would selective hand out chocolate to as much girls as possible, compliment them, believing all the girls in the school were beautiful inside and out in their own right, superior to my own gender. I foolishly hoped they would sympathize with my hardships; I found it easier to interact with the opposite gender more due to their more sensitive nature, their bigger compassion and would welcome me with open arms... In short, my idiocy made itself known again."

"What do you mean?"

Another sigh. "Only after high school did I realize, with no contact from them afterwards, that they never truly cared for me. Oh, they cared, but not too much as to check in on how I've been doing now and again. Only about a handful bothered, and even then that waned over the years." A harsh snort escaped my muzzle, prompting the others to glance at me in concern before watching the next scene of younger me handing out MORE chocolate. "Not to mention, they enjoyed making fun of me just as much as the boys did. I was too blind to notice it until a few years afterwards."

But even so, I wasted three years of my precious time handing out chocolate and compliments to girls all around the school. Pointless and without reason, simply to play ladies' man... That was it.

"Not even they stopped the bullying..." And the girls gasped in horror at the taller boy repeatedly punching my younger self in the side of my head. The same side that football hit, I only realized just now. What were the chances? Finally, not wanting to watch my younger self stomp off in agony as the surrounding students and gleeful bullies had, I turned to observe my rather emotional friends.

And almost gasped myself at what I saw.

Rainbow looked fuming, glaring balefully at the bullies excitedly talking amongst themselves over what just happened, particularly at the one boasting about his mate beating up an autistic. Applejack was holding the pegasus back from doing anything, but even she was looking as though we would've started horse-kicking them in the [BEEP]s. Rarity looked positively livid. Fluttershy had her head looking away, expression pained and sympathetic. Pinkie was still, looking decidedly uncertain. Spike was covering his own eyes, clearly upset.

And Twilight... Well...

That was a fire in her eyes I haven't seen since the fight against Tirek...

"They had no right." Was her quiet response, barely containing the fury that was clear in her features. And I never felt more gratified for it.

What I didn't feel grateful for, however, was the next following, and last scene. Recognizing the room immediately, it took one look to my left before swiftly calling out roughly, "No, they don't need to see this!"

To no avail, Starswirl refused to answer. Nor did the scene choose to change.

This was the one thing I was dreading the most for them to witness. The others looked at me in shock, before Twilight's eyes widened in sudden understanding. Yes, this was the incident I described to the mare I adored and vaguely explained to the others before me... Save for Spike, who need not witness it.

I, however, couldn't bear watching the biggest regret of my life since Sombra controlled me, childishly shielding my own eyes at the past mistake of my stupid, younger self. It only took a few seconds, doing my best to distract my own hearing, before feeling a soft hoof touch my side. "Jack," Twilight spoke softly, "I think this is what Starswirl wanted you to be reminded of. I think you need to watch this."

Do I though... Can I?

"It's okay..." Twilight whispered soothingly to my right hesitant ear, "Your friends are with you... I'm with you."

My brain demanded no but my heart commanded otherwise. Slowly removing my hoofs from my eyes, I hesitantly observed the show, feeling Twilight's hoof brush against my own in comfort, letting it be known, again, I wasn't facing these mistakes alone. And that made watching the memory that happened before us slightly more bearable.

Slightly, though...

Thankfully, as everything turned a morphing grey again, it was over... But at what cost? My friends exchanged glances before turning to look at me, expressions completely uncertain. That's right, not even that incident was invulnerable to their judgement. Yet I hardly felt I was being judged by the others here.

Because I wasn't... Of course...

"Jack."

Twilight's simple concerned addressal caused me to speak up with renewed bitterness. "See now why I hate myself so? You see why I despise my very being for all my mistakes of the past?"

"Jack," Twilight repeated herself, this time sounding more firm with sparkling eyes on reassurance and conviction. "That's what those were, mistakes. I told you, you can't let the past control you like this. What happened can't be changed, yes, but you can learn from them. Loathing yourself for everything back then won't do you any favours; it's what made you so bitter and hesitant in the first place, long ago."

Rainbow pitched in, "Also, Star, we just saw that most of that wasn't really your fault. Sure you made a few mishaps, so what? You can't really blame yourself for the bullies, can ya?"

That attempted reassurance had the opposite effect. My head snapped up to the blue mare. "Actually, I can." Rainbow blinked, whereas the others shared worried confused glances. Very well, I'll appease their curiosity. "Because, Rainbow, everything WAS my fault. I chose to get myself bullied and noticed, all for mere attention. I willingly left the protective barriers of my friends and teachers and ventured around the school in search of sating my hunger for being noticed like the senpai-crazed idiot I was. All my actions, my decisions, my words, I said them all willingly in hopes to make people laugh and befriend me... Obviously, it failed. Spectacularly."

"Jack..."

I sighed. No, there was no escaping this now. "There's no denying the truth here, Twilight. It's time to be completely honest with you." My gaze turned to her own, the purple alicorn looking decidedly hesitant about allowing me to berate myself even further. "The truth is, Twilight, I can forgive myself for almost harming everyone I loved through Sombra's influence... Mostly, and for just being a flat-out [BEEP] to you all when we first met. But those were all more recent then these events from years, so long ago... After high school, I began distancing myself from others at college, finally realizing my own errors and deciding the best course of action was to stop acting like a clown on helium, and avoid everyone in favour of peace and clarity."

I can just see the disapproval reflecting from her eyes, but also the worry and understanding. Twilight opened her muzzle to respond, Rarity chose to intervene, placing a soft yet firm hoof on the alicorn's side and nodding for me to continue.

So I obliged, and my tone leaked with the anger and regret, amplified by the show just then, from the past which I carried to this day. "I wish I could change those events. Occasionally I imagined the alternate scenarios, of being respected and loved by everyone around me, if it weren't for this damn autism... But nothing can change, I know that. And I will never forgive myself for it. You're written to forgive your own actions because it's in your nature... And I... Well, I'm only human."

There, I admitted it. I'll never be able to find it in myself to be fully redeemed for my idiotic decisions of the past. They will always come back to haunt me.

I might as well just deal with it.

And that is all I expected from this outcome.

Wha- God dammit!

Everyone shielded their eyes from the sudden bathe of white light before us, descending from the heavens of my mind before standing in front of us all. Once it was safe to look again, we were greeted by a familiar, smiling bearded character regarding us all with unbidden warmth in the ancient eyes behind the large facial hair and wizard hat.

It was Twilight who gasped the loudest, sounding as though she won the lottery out of nowhere. "You're... You're...!"

"Is that who I think it is...?" Spike whispered in barely-concealed awe. I wish I was in their respective shocked states, but after witnessing all those awful recollections, I wasn't exactly in the most pleasant move just then.

Starswirl, however, in all his majestic glory and sparkling cape, didn't seem to mind too much by any of the reactions reaching from indifference, to confusion, to pure awe, glancing at everyone with unmasked pride. "Child of Earth. Children of Equestria. It is an honour to meet the latter face-to-face at last." Followed by a formal, humble bow.

Twilight was still gaping like a goldfish.

The aged unicorn chuckled at the display. "The books which described my tales were often exaggerated, Princess Twilight." The self-name snapped the mare out of it, the stunned alicorn shaking her head wildly before staring at the pony who taught her mentor long ago in awe and shock.

"Erm... Who is this pony?"

Violet eyes snapped up at the questioning blue mare. "It's Starswirl the Bearded, Rainbow. The Starswirl the Bearded!" Then, a full-on grin took shape on the mare's muzzle while the mares glanced at each other in pure shock at the reveal. "Starswirl the Bearded! Here! I knew Jack wasn't lying when he said you were Specter this entire time, but seeing you here, now, in person no less! Ohh, I have SO many questions! I am your biggest fan, Mr. Starswirl the Bearded sir!"

Applejack frowned. "Wait, are we talkin' about the same Starswirl the Bearded from over a thousand years ago? By golly, how can this be?!"

"And why are you here?" Rarity added. "No offense, Starswirl the Bearded... I absolutely adore your cape, by the by. They simply don't make them like that anymore. Very antique."

Starswirl smiled. "I'm awfully old-fashioned, I won't lie." Before glancing at my girlfriend, who could barely restrain her own shaking excitement. "And thank you for your kind words, Princess Sparkle. But I'm convinced Jack here regards you higher than anypony in existence. He has often praised your talents to me."

...Thanks for being a wingman, I guess, Starswirl.

Twilight gaped at me in shock, before the grin widened to impossible lengths. Starswirl chuckled, then raised a hoof in gesture for calmness. "As for my being here, Miss Rarity, it is a matter moreso of congratulating my student." Say what? My friends looked at me, and back to the unicorn. Starswirl smiled at me warmly. "You passed, exceedingly I might add. The initiation is complete."

What... I don't remember learning anything from this...?

Fluttershy voiced my thoughts. "Um, Mr. Starswirl the Bearded? What did Stardust learn exactly?"

Rainbow added in, confounded, "Yeah! If Stardust was suppose to learn to overcome his past memories, then you're gonna be disappointed."

"On the contrary, I would have been disappointed otherwise." ...What? We all glanced to one another in confusion. What was he talking about now? "He learned precisely what was expected of him."

Twilight tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

Starswirl smiled again, approaching me calmly with an air of wisdom, pride dancing in his age-old eyes. "It was never about overcoming the guilt of his past, nor to learn from it, but embrace it." Embrace...? He waited for that to sink in before proceeding to clarify, "Balance is about the synchronization of Harmony and Chaos in ones heart. An even scale untempered. Your friends here, my pupil, are the Harmony; the light which gives you comfort and warmth, the will to protect. Your past actions are more of Chaos, and they drive you to achieve for better, another source of conviction. Resolve of light and darkness, together, will bring the proper balance needed to master such magic for the foreseeable future."

It took a moment for me to comprehend these unexpected words. "So... The reminder of my past was to... Awaken the darkness within me further?"

"And balance your heart to the fullest." The teacher placed a warm hoof on my shoulder, beaming lightly. "You acknowledged that you cannot undo your actions, and they will always leave a trail of sorrow in your heart. All that was left was for you to embrace those emotions, and allow to guide the Chaos within as much as your friendship with these wonderful beings instructs your inner Harmony." Starswirl's tone strengthened considerably, in finality, "I declare you ready for the next step; Balance now acknowledges you as a worthy candidate to be its new champion. Congratulations, Jack Wright, Protector of Balance."

...Well... This wasn't what I was entirely expecting at all...

The second Starswirl gave some room, Spike rushed forward with a swift hug. "Way to go bro!" Followed by a proud Pinkie, both hugging me tightly.

"We knew you could do it!"

...Well, I felt proud of myself, certainly. I was now the 'Protector of Balance,' whatever that entailed. Still, more preferable than, say, the Chosen One. Last thing I needed was to be some puppet of a prophecy story written on an ancient scroll. As though hearing that, Starswirl chuckled, before turning to Twilight whom was beaming at me with glowing pride.

"So, Princess Twilight." She adorably immediately snapped to attention at the addressal from the legendary pony. "Friends of my student, did you perhaps learn anything from this experience?"

Twilight, completely understanding, glancing left to right in brief thought before lightly smiling, nodding in epiphany. "Sometimes, it's impossible to forget the sins of your past, and you might never forgive yourself for them. But that doesn't mean you can't live your life expected to be perfect. A friend will never abandon you for mistakes of youth. And..." Purple eyes turned in my direction. "Even someone who thinks himself imperfect, would still be the perfect friend someone elses eyes."

Emphasized by the massive groups surrounding me, which I embraced contently. This was exactly what was needed, especially with Twilight beginning to snuggle against my chest quite happily, as though reinforcing her claim. And upon seeing the display, the aged unicorn nodded with a peaceful expression of his own.

"I am proud to call you my grand-pupil, Princess Twilight." Said mare's eyes widened before a pink hue enveloped her cheeks. "As I am proud of all your friends. You have faced such hardships and tests, and surpassed them all. The Bearers of Harmony, the Protector of Balance. I wish you all the best of luck, for many challenges still lay ahead."

Rainbow snorted playfully. "Yeah? Well I say, bring 'em all on!"

---

Now I was laying on the floor in my bedroom.

Y'know... Just 'cause.

There was a lot to wrap my head around to today. So I didn't learn not to move on from my mistakes, but embrace those negative feelings from it to help balance my heart. Now, according to Starswirl, this means my heart is now centered enough for balance to be called upon whenever.

...Kinda grey area, thinking about it.

Oh? "Hello gorgeous."

Blushing in flattery, Twilight's face met my line of vision to the ceiling. "You know you have your own bed to lie on, right?"

"...Eh."

With a humoured smile, the mare's eyes sparkled. And I felt myself stiffen for a split-second, before relaxing to the tender hoof brushing my messy mane. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine... With you doing that."

Twilight giggled slightly. "I meant from earlier."

"I know. Same answer, you're just helping."

"I'm glad." Over her helping or my quick recovery from earlier, she didn't clarify. Instead, Twilight sighed. "I still can't believe I met the most legendary wisest pony to ever live in your memories. He's everything I thought he'd be, and so much more."

Oh? "Am I suppose to be jealous?"

Twilight shook her head, grinning. "Would you be jealous?"

"I repressed that emotion long ago."

"Along with most of who you are..." The Princess sighed again, her smile dropping slightly to more solemness. "Seeing all those painful memories of yours, knowing how accurate the descriptions of your past actions and experiences were, it never occurred to me how much of your real self you locked away within you... You think one day I'll ever get to meet the full, real Jack Wright?"

I sincerely hoped not, raising a brow. "The autistic attention-hungry clown?"

A third fond sigh. "You should learn to stop belittling yourself sooner or later."

"Optimist."

"Pessimist."

"I prefer realist."

"I'd prefer an honest answer."

This time, I sighed, the very idea making me reluctant to even consider the prospect. "I'm not ready... At least, not yet, to show you my true colours. You saw a glimpse of my past personality back then, and I sealed almost all that up during my time at my two colleges. You've seen my occasional outbursts in Ponyville, you honestly want to meet the full package?"

The answer was short, yet held so more weight. "Yes."

"...Your funeral."

Twilight rolled her eyes, smiling softly. "You only ever wanted love and attention; a limit just needed to be set."

My hoof automatically raised upwards, gently cupping the mare's cheek as she still brushed my hair. My reply was simple, but filled with affection. "Good thing I have both of those plentiful in front of me." With a wider look of bliss, Twilight leaned downwards, and I was about be give my reward kiss for the day-

"...Huh."

Hm? "What?"

Twilight was staring into my eyes, as though taking note of them. "I really need to get use to your new temporary eye colour." Oh, right. Yes as a side-effect with a part of Balance leached onto me from hereon, my eyes would flicker to the occasional gold before resuming their normal blue-green state. Starswirl warned of several other side-effects which would last for a short while.

Brief bursts of boosted strength, for one thing. And flickering eye colour.

"Although, I do think it suits you either way." I smiled, grateful for the compliment. Standing up after a brief kiss, Twilight stepped back and motioned to the doorway. "Come on, Pinkie wouldn't want us to be late for your Birthday party."

Rolling onto my hooves, I grabbed my cape and fedora and bowed playfully to the mare. "After you." Twilight smiled in light fond humour, inclining her head in thanks before departing, myself lingering for a moment.

Taking one good look at the portrait of the wall. Of the seemingly-indifferent boy inspecting his fingers in a vain attempt to appear... 'Cool,' I suppose. My brother was going for the edgy look in this picture.

...Yeah, if I can't get over the past, I might as well live with it.

And you know what? I have my friends with me to repel my dark emotions from getting out-of-hand.

...Had I missed something?

Oh, morning Sombra. Check my memories for the day and see for yourself.

Smiling further at the incoherent grumbling response, I gave the portrait one last look before going after the waiting Twilight. I'm not perfect, but who is?

"Now, on to the cake with my name on it!"

Comments

[Razjel]

Huh. Not exactly what I was expecting. But, to say truth, I don't know what I expected. Still, we learned a little about Jack's past in more detail. And our purple (or is it lavender?) alicorn got to exchange a few words with long dead unicorn. Good job and keep it up. 'till next chapter

[Wise2Fox]

Wen is their wedding?

[Darkwing Dust]

8111116 Give it a few years. Five at tops.

[Staadnauthursil]

8111127 With or without time travelling involved?

[Darkwing Dust]

8111162 We'll just have to wait and see.

[Forestfire34720]

I didn't expect Starswirl to ever actually appear in pony.
How much of Stardust's past is made up, and how much of it is real? Is it based off your/a friend's experiences, or did you just kinda come up with it?
Also... do I call him Jack or Stardust?

[Darkwing Dust]

8111281 For simplicity's sake; Stardust. Also, yes, the events described are based of real life recollections.

[Mattgenesis]

I have read this chapter with these songs:

Excellent chapter as always.

Greetings.

[Titan Commander Sebaste]

Awesome work as always!

[DerpyDucks]

8111353 You were an autistic clown who handed chocolate out to children?

[Darkwing Dust]

8111930 Well that's half true... XD

Chocolate to teens who were around my age at the time.

[VikingOtaku6]

8111937 Well, I've certainly been enjoying my time here, and I can't help but wonder about a few things:

1) Where's The Linked Journal - Equestria? I swear that it would be rather cool to have it on Stardust, so he can communicate with his student...

2) I can't wait to see what you do with the time travel schenanigans of Starlight!

[Tide Hunter]

For a while, you merely borrowed its power: For it to, at last, acknowledge you as its new champion, you must fine the gentle mix of black and white oceans rampaging within you.

You must make it thinner? That's what fine means, so I assume you mean "make black and white mixture thinner." Is that the case?

[Bedwriter223]

I've been reading this since 2015. Glad to see you're still here.

[Truthseeker]

I want to know what memory was the worst and last one?