Lyra has developed strong feelings for the new human in town, but can't seem to muster up the courage to tell him. That ends today. Today will be the day she finally confesses everything, and he will feel the same way about her... Right?
Very classy, very well done. For this being your first attempt at a story (as you stated in the author note of chapter 1) you are presenting this story amazingly. I like a good fan fic of my favorite characters getting intimate every once in a while as much as the next person, but I looooooooove it when an author can present it in such a way that makes for a good story and not just the action. You have done that very well on your first try; keep up the good work!
While I am not a big fan of clop, I can somewhat appreciate it when its done good. Here it is not. I feel like you are rushing too fast into the clop parts instead of building that moment up withsome time and some more tender moments. But I am gonna stay and wait for the next chapter cause I still have hopes for this. I'm not trying to push you but get the next chapter done good and right, justify this rushed horse-humping mess.
BTW, like this fic, I really do so keep up the work.
You have a good approach to things going and I look forward to see how you handle the rest.
And noticing your comment about commas...
Think of it like a momentary pause, but not as big a pause or break as the end of a sentence. Looking at commas like that has been helpful for me in my own writing. It also helps to say the words in your head like you would tell them to someone else, or if you were reading aloud. Engaging more of your brain in this manner, and any other method that lets you process the words in a different way, you activate different areas and allow yourself to catch more hiccups.
Ya, i think it's written well, but I can't lie, was hoping for a slower paced romance. Tought this was gonna be a little longer with them beginning their relationship and learning to love each other while dealing with the adversity of the town not approving. Oh well, it is what it is. Also i think Lyra actually plays a clarsach or something, I've just read multiple time somewhere that it's not actually a Lyre.. Overall, I like it, just thought you were going somewhere different.
5484560 5484246 I have to agree with both of you, and I would have expanded more on this story if I had a little more time. I am actually taking a break for my day job to work on this little project. It's just a little fun thing that I wanted to do. But knowing that I am inexperienced with writing and story telling, and that my free time is kind of short, I knew that this had to be on the shorter side.
I do have plans to make a sequel to this story that adds Bon Bon to the mix, and that one I would like to make longer and try to expand on the characters and things. If I do, do that one its going to take a while for it to come out though.
“You may clean my make-up off if that’s what you would like.” She said in a gentle loving tone, reassuring the human that his actions were welcomed.
Going off what I was saying before, lets take this bit of text. It's properly done if you drop the full-stop and at the end of Lyra's dialogue and replace it with a comma, then decapitalize 'she'.
Lets look at another one.
The added sensation of his fingers running through her hair, sent shivers of pleasure down the unicorns spine.
You don't need the comma in the middle of this sentence, it's all one clause. Add an apostrophe before the 's' of 'unicorns' so you get "unicorn's", as it's a possessive form.
If you would like help editing the next chapter just drop me a line and I'll try to help.
5484520 That's pretty much how I view commas. I will read a sentence to my self and see if it sounds like there should be a pause there. But still I really don't have much experience with using the things. I'm still learning.
5484560 Same here. I enjoy the "getting to know each other" parts most, so this doesn't really work for me all that much. Nothing wrong with starting a story in medias res, but the things that happened in those flashbacks are what I actually wanted to read about. He's also suddenly very forward for someone whose first reaction was so indicative of a pretty repressed sexuality.
5484697 Oh! See that stuff I didn't know. I will have to go back and change all that. Thank you for the help. And yeah actually I might have you help me for the next one. If your okay with that. It might be a while before I have something ready to look at though.
5484725 A lot of stories here are tagged Sex because of lewd humor or just lots of vulgarity in the dialogue. It's not necessarily shorthand for "explicit porn, get ready for wanking."
Ooooohhhhh, fuck you, man It has been ages since I've actually raged at a cliffhanger like that, good bloody job. Now, please I need to see them do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
5488428 How did you go from "that is not a real taboo that actually exists" to "quadrupeds look hot" even. Like, how many words did you need to hallucinate to make that statement be in there at all.
I got a few thinga to say, good story so far. Lyra and the Chris being so confused about each others tells is believable, and Bon Bon pushing Lyra to finally act on it was great. Now I just want to see Lyra convince Bon Bon to join in or annoy her with explanations of sexy times.
5483359
I know little of commas and how to use them properly.
But I am glad you can still enjoy the story.
If clop is too hard for you to write, don't force it. Honestly I'd be satisfied if they just cuddled and talked.
5484129
Bwahahaha! That made me laugh. Thank you.
5484133
You're welcome.
it's write not wright
also if you want help with the clop part, I'm happy to help
That was a great chapter. I truly do like where this is going.
*slow clap*
Very classy, very well done. For this being your first attempt at a story (as you stated in the author note of chapter 1) you are presenting this story amazingly. I like a good fan fic of my favorite characters getting intimate every once in a while as much as the next person, but I looooooooove it when an author can present it in such a way that makes for a good story and not just the action. You have done that very well on your first try; keep up the good work!
at the end twilight finds out and is completely grossed out, the end!
While I am not a big fan of clop, I can somewhat appreciate it when its done good. Here it is not. I feel like you are rushing too fast into the clop parts instead of building that moment up withsome time and some more tender moments. But I am gonna stay and wait for the next chapter cause I still have hopes for this. I'm not trying to push you but get the next chapter done good and right, justify this rushed horse-humping mess.
BTW, like this fic, I really do so keep up the work.
Aaaaaw this is cuteness overload
And I must admit I'm just as dence as Chris xD
I really enjoy this. I like sexy times and all but we all know the way to a woman *ahem* mare's heart is to listen.
classandtrashshow.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/original.gif
I like how you handled that chapter. Looking forward to more.
You have a good approach to things going and I look forward to see how you handle the rest.
And noticing your comment about commas...
Think of it like a momentary pause, but not as big a pause or break as the end of a sentence. Looking at commas like that has been helpful for me in my own writing. It also helps to say the words in your head like you would tell them to someone else, or if you were reading aloud. Engaging more of your brain in this manner, and any other method that lets you process the words in a different way, you activate different areas and allow yourself to catch more hiccups.
Ya, i think it's written well, but I can't lie, was hoping for a slower paced romance. Tought this was gonna be a little longer with them beginning their relationship and learning to love each other while dealing with the adversity of the town not approving. Oh well, it is what it is. Also i think Lyra actually plays a clarsach or something, I've just read multiple time somewhere that it's not actually a Lyre.. Overall, I like it, just thought you were going somewhere different.
I think if anyone here had problems with "sexy times" they wouldn't have clicked on a story with tags "mature" and "sex"
This is pretty good. I can't wait for there to be more chapters.
5484560
5484246
I have to agree with both of you, and I would have expanded more on this story if I had a little more time. I am actually taking a break for my day job to work on this little project. It's just a little fun thing that I wanted to do. But knowing that I am inexperienced with writing and story telling, and that my free time is kind of short, I knew that this had to be on the shorter side.
I do have plans to make a sequel to this story that adds Bon Bon to the mix, and that one I would like to make longer and try to expand on the characters and things. If I do, do that one its going to take a while for it to come out though.
Going off what I was saying before, lets take this bit of text. It's properly done if you drop the full-stop and at the end of Lyra's dialogue and replace it with a comma, then decapitalize 'she'.
Lets look at another one.
You don't need the comma in the middle of this sentence, it's all one clause. Add an apostrophe before the 's' of 'unicorns' so you get "unicorn's", as it's a possessive form.
If you would like help editing the next chapter just drop me a line and I'll try to help.
5484520
That's pretty much how I view commas. I will read a sentence to my self and see if it sounds like there should be a pause there. But still I really don't have much experience with using the things. I'm still learning.
5484560
Same here. I enjoy the "getting to know each other" parts most, so this doesn't really work for me all that much. Nothing wrong with starting a story in medias res, but the things that happened in those flashbacks are what I actually wanted to read about. He's also suddenly very forward for someone whose first reaction was so indicative of a pretty repressed sexuality.
5484649
Not a lot of people have the common sense to realise that.
5484697
Oh! See that stuff I didn't know. I will have to go back and change all that. Thank you for the help. And yeah actually I might have you help me for the next one. If your okay with that. It might be a while before I have something ready to look at though.
5484726
It's alright dude. I generally like offering my help in fixing this kind of thing in quality stories.
5484725
A lot of stories here are tagged Sex because of lewd humor or just lots of vulgarity in the dialogue. It's not necessarily shorthand for "explicit porn, get ready for wanking."
5484211
Completely grossed out but still wants to make a recording or perhaps sit in and take notes for SCIENCE!
Good story so far keep it up and your art as well is really well drawn.
Perfect.
Chris kept giving her a cock-block and then he finally decided to fuck her XD.
Hilarious
>>Just an artist here. I can't write for crap.
Well you just did. Update your bio. (:
5484881
Oh god.
She actually would, wouldn't she?
5484881
awkward twilight is awkward
Ooooohhhhh, fuck you, man
It has been ages since I've actually raged at a cliffhanger like that, good bloody job.
Now, please I need to see them do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
5485486
Working on it.
damn you just had to end it there didn't ya?!
media.tumblr.com/64e5d47f1656d181e4c43c29f52e1019/tumblr_inline_nfj5swgNTh1qzhaww.gif
5486372
Ahahah okay that made me laugh thank you.
But chapter 4 is coming! Soon I hope!
5484683
Adding Bon Bon you say?! Oh that gets me real excited. This is a real delight to read by the way.
Cute Lyra is super cute.
~Adjier
Argh!!
Dat cliffhanger. You sir are evil.
Please PLEASE Include horn play! I so do like seeing unicorn mares getting serviced from both ends! We need some magical unicorn mayonnaise!
Adorableness intensifies.i.imgur.com/k8Iqda5.gif
5488459
I love these things. Thank you for that haha.
5488428
How did you go from "that is not a real taboo that actually exists" to "quadrupeds look hot" even. Like, how many words did you need to hallucinate to make that statement be in there at all.
5488062
Nice Robot Chicken reference...
5488640 No I mean magical unicorn mayonnaise.
img1.derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/7/19/49199__shipping_questionable_lesbian_lyra_unicorn_eyes+closed_bon+bon_earth+pony_on+back_tongue+out.png
5488672
Pretty, pretty cover art
Yeah I'd be fine with the light and fluffy stuff.
No need to take such a hard core turn
5488672 best pic ever!
I got a few thinga to say, good story so far. Lyra and the Chris being so confused about each others tells is believable, and Bon Bon pushing Lyra to finally act on it was great. Now I just want to see Lyra convince Bon Bon to join in or annoy her with explanations of sexy times.
5490204
Dude! No spoilers!
Also thanks.
5490307 I love the story and the way story is fantastic. oh and no spoilers? ok that cool. that not make me waiting or something but,,,,troll.me/images/american-psycho/ive-had-enough-of-these-fucking-cliffhangers.jpg