Haha, this is hilarious, keep writing it! More, more!

OH wow. I am loving this! For the love of all that is good...MOAR!

Ahaha this is amazing

Very well written, with few typos and a hilarious narrator.

Keep up the awesome work!

Really good, write moar.

I'm reading this in TotalBiscuit's voice.

Jesus this is fun.

Oh my god, it's like Roger Wilco plus ponies.

(That's the main character of the Space Quest series, you n00bs)

... Moar

2500 square light years out?

...

I'll keep reading, but try to avoid the really dumb mistakes.

Great job so far, keep it up!

>>538552538552

My bad!  I feel like a moron for making a simple mistake like that!  Thanks for the heads up and comment!

Always nice to have more second person stories around, and your writing is good to.

>>541099541099

Thanks I appreciate it!

This is great! Can't wait to see what happens next!

Thus far, well written and interesting. No real criticism's just yet, aside from chapter lengths being on the short side.

I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

Oooh ouch.  

Haha, I love the little exchange between Dash and the hero, there.

Oh god cliffhangers, how I despise you.

Good story so far, I'm loving it.

I don't always read about humans, but when I do, I prefer "With Teeth" =P  More please! =D

Oh! I get first! Yay!

Awesome story so far! Keep it up.

Although I have read lots of human in equestria stories this one is interesting.

As I said before, keep it up!

(Twilight is such showoff with magic!)

The G.A.P.T will not be pleased.

>>547165547165

Thank you I really appreciate it!

>>547706547706

No problem! You have at least posted something.

I have good Idea's but suck at writing.

So I encourage others to keep writing instead.

But If you ever need another Idea, give me a post!

This is really good so far, keep em coming.

Hahahaha , effin great man . You got me on needles waiting for the next installment.

Okay, I've got a few gripes:

Now, I'm no writer, but I know for sure that when writing a second person narrative that you want to be vague about the character's appearance so readers can insert themselves into the story a lot easier.  So things like "six foot build" in chapter 2 and "black hair" in 3 could be cut to "build" and "hair" respectively.  However, I would be a little more descriptive of the suit that the character is wearing and mention it in the first chapter.

That said, chapter 3 confused me.  I can't really figure out how much time passed between the character initially climbing the tree and the end of the chapter, nor can I tell how he could pick out details about the ponies from 190 feet.

In Chapter 4:

"That was a pretty good trick" you remark […]

"The levitation of course" is your reply.

> You're missing the comma before the end of the dialogue/quotation.

I've seen thousands of applications of simple levitation before, but none using a particle field.

> And here you're missing the ending quotation mark.

Other than that, good job so far.  I can't wait to see where you take this.

OH MAH GOD!

CLASS M PLANET!!!

awesome star trek references are awesome

Ooooh, look guys! An actually well written HiE fic!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

I await the next chapter eagerly.

woo moer

Witness - Red Fang

Not really relevant, but the image reminded me of the album cover.

I had to lol at the prey thing is was too funny reading about Twilight like that.

>>566482566482

Well now that you mention it I guess the image I chose looks something like the logo used by the band 'Behold! The Arctopus'. If you're a metal head (as your moniker implies) then you should check them out.

Hmm, why does Twilight not mention omnivores? Humans are omnivores, and the ponies in the show display omnivorous qualities in the fact they eat eggs.

This story is shaping up to be very interesting! You have my attention sir.

You made Twilight very adorkable with this chapter, I just loved it. I don't really have any criticisms thus far, well done!

Hahaha oh god, Narrator is best troll.

*smiles showing teeth*

*snort* *snort* MAGIC!

Really good so far!

lol, really good! The entire situation is indeed adorable! =)

Twilight was so adorkable in this I think I got diabetes.

Taking over the world one massage at a time.

>>566604566604

There are cases of herbivores and carnivores eating meat and plants, respectively.  Exceptions to the rules and whatnot.

If a meat and plant diet isn't neccessary for them to live healthy, they can't be considered omnivores.

>>569006569006

He's absolutely right.  Deer will occasionally eat road kill and/or small birds and eggs in order to correct a calcium difficiency.  Likewise my german shepard would eat the crap out of tomatoes, everytime.

As for the deer thing....

http://www.nefga.org/forum/showthread.php?32658-Omnivore-Deer

Also I seem to recall a party scene in which Applejack is considering a table of food and there's what looks suspiciously like a bologna sandwich on the table, but.... naw, I'm sure it was pink tofu.

Um, good story but that whole prey sitting still high out of her mind on endorphins?

Wot?

That would be a horrible response, evolution wise.

Unless you just got impatient and you are working in magic seduction technique for the later clop. :P

Woah, this is really nice. I always like to see the whole meat eater thing brought up in a HIE story. Can't wait for your next chapters.

I hope she doesn't freak out when it's revealed that he's an omnivore, will she even understand that word?

Oh wait it's Twilight, ofc she will.

I have to say, I'm usually not in to humans in Equestria, but I really like this story! =D

Antics in Equestria? Sign me up.

Sexual Tension building between a male Human and The main six? ...I'm intrigued, go on.

Not that I'm normally for that kind of stuff, either, but the manner in which you present it is hilarious.

Can't wait for next chapter!

I love how you had their years be 9 galactic standard years. This explains why Applejack is ALWAYS bucking apples despite having already done it a hundred times over. Not too mention it adds a nice Sci-Fi / Fantasy twist to the world few other authors bother to explore. Haha, ingenious; Well played sir! Well played indeed.

Also, the interactions thus far have been great as well. Very high quality and engaging story, you have me completely hooked! The character is so original also. I haven't read any stories with a flirty wise guy yet, and you write them so well.

These paragraphs could use some light touching up. Looks like they got skipped in editing or were being changed and ended up overlooked.

You had also met five of Twilight's closest friends when they stopped by to check in on her.  You couldn't blame them, as you Twilight was apt to get to engrossed in her historical and cultural lessons that she would forget to feed herself

"Oh, fish?  Getting fish will be trouble at all" she perks up, all unease seemingly evaporating in an instant.  "I thought you were going to try eating some of chicken or bunny friends or something horrible like that."

Wow this just keeps getting better.

>>589680589680

Thanks for the review!

Gah, don't you just hate when you completely skip over something like that?  Thanks for the heads up!

I hope for a harem ending.

Well, I'm liking this.

YAY

dawwwww

Wow, surprisingly heart rending and mending at the same time,a more so rare occurrence for what i read.

This was both very saddening and yet uplifting at the same time. You really proved you know how to tug a persons "heartsrings" with this one. Eh? Eh? Haha...

Loved it yet again. I'm left wondering what he's going to do next as both a playa and someone with a mental photo of ponies to take revenge upon. You also left a lot of room for fun stuff with Pony history with this chapter. Ah, poor Twilight... having to deal with the lusty Romeo and his insatiable appetite for flirting.

Existential crisis is best crisis.

Image: http://denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4878-d99.gif

Bueno. Very good so far, but I do agree with Shabamb in the sense that when writing stories in the second person POV, you should make it easier for the reader to insert themselves.

Unrelated: The fact that so many people will get all butthurt over a HiE story will always baffle me. Honestly, I don't see what's so wrong with the concept of "oh hey I'm in Ponyville ima go make out with my favorite pony" because who doesn't want to do such things to their favorite pony? "People with morals!" Hey shut up I'm talking here. srsly guise.

>>614542614542

Glad it came across as I intended!

>>614907614907

LOL Oh You!

I'm actually pretty excited at the multiple directions this will be shooting off in the upcoming chapters!  This story seems to be becoming increasingly open ended, more so than I had originally intended lol!

>>615300615300

Thanks for the input!  I may actually go back in and edit certain things from the earlier chapters to keep with a truly anonymous protagonist.  Also, I completely agree with your point about HiE.  I think people need to be a little more honest with themselves, because honestly:

>2012

>not wanting to have an encounter with your favorite ponies

>I seriously hope you people don't do this

This human guy is a lady-killer.

Great work as usual! (minus a couple grammar problems, unusual for you)

Now write more.

Now.

>>619622619622

thanks for the review! Out of curiosity, what were those grammatical mistakes? (it's going to drive me crazy lol!)

"Doorknobs?" you ask <- missing period

form doesn’t follow function in Equestria.” <- that end quote should not be there, since the next paragraph is still her dialog

Look, I'm sorry about that. <- no beginning quote

face drawn and pained . <- space before the period

"Oh my...," <- unnecessary comma

I'm sorry, I know I'm nitpicking. Also, I realize that might not be "grammar" but you know what I mean. I've been proofreading my friend's writing for the past few days, and when I finally read this last night, I think I was still in proofread mode.

You ... Oh you and the mouth words that spawn.

You have succeeded in making me sad and then awkwardly stumbling over words as if I was the one talking to Lyra good shit man.

>>622899622899

Lol no worries! I genuinely do appreciate the input! I'll make the changes tomorrow.

>>623190623190

Mission Accomplished!

>>557105557105  I was wondering where I'd heard that before...  I mean, I assumed it was star trek, but I couldn't remember.

... this guy is worse than captain kirk

>>632543632543

There's some...Pony....on the wing

Some...Pony...on the wing!!!

>>633407633407

Pretty good. Also witty Spike.

I do hope banter becomes a permanent part, HiE's tend to drop it once the plot thickens.

This story is awesome.

LOL this is great

The title reminds me of the scene in Ice Age where Sid tells the baby that 'the tigers are play tag with the antelope. With their teeth'.

Sad to see from reading the tags, it's another human story. Still, I'll read this later.

May I ask when in the timeline of the show this is taking place? This part is why I am asking:

"It's not too fancy, and I've only been living here for a few months"

If she's only been there a few months, then at least everything past Winter Wrap Up hasn't happened yet. Perhaps this was intentional, but I wanted to make sure.

Alright, on the topic of the story, I like this. I like the narrator's snark, and your portrayal of Spike especially. It's looking good so far, and I'll be watching this.

i absolutely love how you are being regarded as trash and saying like "..., and promptly pass the fuck out." genius!

That rainbow ecounter made me laugh like hell

At first I was all: He's gotta thing for RD? That's abrupt.

Then I was all: A thing for Twilight? Dafuq? No!

Then: Lyra? Okaaaaay?

Now: Damn, Twilight!?!? Make up your mind!

this fic deserves 5 moustaches!

Image: http://i393.photobucket.com/albums/pp11/shartzell68/pimpin-aint-easy-lg.gif

oh yes, this is going to be good

Situation: Manitcore.

Solution: None known.

Resolution: from above, piss on it out of spite.

This story is awesome. The incredible informality of the writing really does make it feel like more of an internal monologue than a lot of other second person stories I've read, if only for the fact that I know I don't censor myself when I'm thinking and the writing feels appropriately stream-of-consciousness at all the right parts, such as with the Manticore. Really looking forward to more of this!

Twilight said romeo? I thought she said she knew nothing about humans...dont forget the clop!

Second person? I don't know... That is a lot of cognitive dissonance to overcome...

That said, the comments imply that this is a REALLY GOOD STORY, regardless.

Do I REALLY want to go through the hassle of mentally rewriting this in third person while reading it?

*Sigh* I'll just track this for now and finish getting caught up on "For want of a Dawn". Maybe I'll read it afterwards.

Touching moment hahahahahaha this fic is just getying better and better, remember the more awsome fics have clop on em

OH MY GOD this fucking awsome, please i demand MOAR! yay im a pimppin in the ponies ploty world!

Argh.. First person narrative. Sorry but I'm unable to continue.

>>693458693458

Thanks for the comment and question.  In an earlier chapter, the rotagonist observed (with Twilight's input) that years in Equestria were several times longer than those in the human world. This was to address the sometimes less than sensical change of seasons in the show.

and your inner ear calls you a dick.

Yep i'm reading this and tracking it like a stalker.

>>693902693902

duh.

Well, there's my stupid moment of the day.

This comment above me speaks for me too.

Also great writing

I still fail to see why his face is scary, if he has normal teeth then they would see omnivorus teeth (mostly herbivorous with the canines) but from what I saw in the picture and in the story leads me to believe that he doesn't have normal teeth. I haven't gotten any clarification from the story either.

Finally read. More golden material. There aren't many fics I read twice.... in fact this may very well be the only one.

>>695131695131 About the teeth thing. 'You' are from the distant future, who knows, maybe humans have big teeth in the future? But still, equines have relatively flat teeth, I think even a glimpse of a human's canine would instantly imply 'carnivore' to the ponies, especially Twilight, because she's obsessive about details and making observations. If anypony would freak out about the guy's teeth, it'd be her, because she'd be the one to not only notice them, but also process the information.

I'm not quite sure why I hadn't read this earlier (it's been sitting in my read later stack for a spell). I'm absolutely loving this story so far

Looking forward to more!

This story, so good.

Also, ship all of the ponies

Law of Funny dictates that the "Romeo" slip up will be allowed.

Also good story by the way.

Nice start.

Interesting first person my friend.

Ok, you win. You get a thumb and a favorite from me with this chapter. A fantastic story, fun OC, and usage of my favorite background pony!