Obama Returns to Equestria

by a human

Celestia's Certification

After finishing her normal classes for the day, Twilight headed to her private lessons with Celestia.

They always made her feel a bit uncomfortable. She wasn't entirely sure why. On the surface, she could agree with Celestia's rationale for teaching it like that. But still, she always got the vague sense that it somehow broke some rules of decorum. It didn't weigh on her mind much—now, even her embarrassment about the subject had begun to fade—but it still bothered her.

She couldn't even confirm her doubts with anyone. Celestia has said to keep the class a secret from everyone else, and when Celestia said to do something, you obeyed.

Was Celestia hiding that class because it was somehow inappropriate?

Or was there some other reason?

Surely Celestia had many reasons for hiding things. Twilight, as her sole protégé, had nearly unprecedented access to every corner of Canterlot. She knew details about the government it would've taken years for others to piece together. It was no surprise that Celestia would want her to keep some things to herself.

But… she didn't ask for anything else to be hidden. Short of actually giving someone the combination to the dungeon lock, Twilight could tell anyone anything she wanted about the castle—Celestia had said so herself. "My security isn't feeble enough to be taken down by mere information," were her exact words.

So why did she want this, and only this, hidden?

Of course, Twilight had slipped occasionally. When in a rush, she had told a couple servants that she was on her way to a class with Celestia. Most hardly reacted. And those that did seemed only to react to the prospect of being alone with Celestia for any reason whatsoever, which wasn't unusual at all. Twilight had certainly not been careless enough to actually let slip the contents of the class, so they couldn't have been reacting to that.

But… that didn't matter. What mattered was learning. This was a class, and just like any other class, Twilight wanted to conquer this one, and learn everything she could about this subject.

She gave the special knock on the door, and slowly, magically, it opened.

Inside, the room was almost pitch black. There were no windows, and it was lit only by the lights from what must've been a thousand small scented candles. Some of them, in typical royal flourish, were magically suspended in the air. No doubt there was a magic rune drawn somewhere in the room to manage that. That was the only way to automatically manage a spell like that. Or maybe each candle had a rune drawn on it…

"Focus, Twilight," Celestia said, lounging on a bed with silk sheets in the middle of the candles. "Today, in sex education, you'll learn a very important lesson." She smiled. "How to please an immortal."

– – – –

Twilight woke up with a start, sweating more than she would've liked.

The memories were returning. The memories she had tried to erase.

She slowly got out of bed, quickly cleaning herself, and the sheets, off with magic. Before, it would've been unthinkable to use that much magic for something that petty. But now, after her transformation, even something like that was as simple as breathing. In fact, breathing itself, like sleeping, was beginning to feel like it was only a formality—a show she put on to convince other ponies she wasn't that different from them.

And, of course, to convince herself that she wasn't that much different from normal ponies.

She had been able to get scant information about her transformation. Celestia had refused to answer most of her questions about it. That, in retrospect, must've been why Celestia offered to answer three questions that day—so that, in the future, she could more easily deny Twilight's requests for information. That must've been what she meant when she said Twilight had asked "the wrong questions." Twilight had assumed Celestia would kill her, so she had asked nothing about herself and her future. Now, she was deeply regretting that. Now, those were the only things she truly wanted answers to.

She had gleaned one thing from Celestia. "Your body will constantly try to revert to a state of perfection."

To this, Twilight had said, "But isn't perfection an arbitrary concept that changes with time?"

Celestia had merely smiled, once again, and said, "Yes, it is."

Did she mean that Twilight's body would constantly change to adhere to society's idea of "perfection?"

Or did she mean that state she would always revert to was just one arbitrary definition of "perfection?"

Twilight could not know. She could vaguely understand the results of that, though. Whenever she got small injuries, like cuts or bruises, they would disappear within seconds.

If Twilight understood her correctly, Celestia was saying this—don't think of that as the wounds healing, think of it as your body reverting back to its "perfect state."

And that seemed to apply to different degrees to different parts of her body. To her brain, a "perfect state" must've been when she could remember every event of her life in perfect clarity. And as it slowly reached that stage, the memories that she had suppressed, even magically, were coming back.

Maybe her brain was transforming more slowly in order to avoid the insanity would result from everything becoming that clear so quickly. It seemed unlikely Celestia would do something so kind, but, then again, if she had undergone the same transformation, of course she would take things like that into account. And other parts of her ascension seemed to not be happening immediately. For example, she had no ethereal mane yet…

Twilight still wasn't quite sure what she was now. She knew she was an alicorn, obviously, but the thing was, nobody really knew anything about alicorns. To the best of her knowledge, the only ones that existed were Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and her. There were only four of them—and until recently, only three. And none of them had consented to be studied in any detail. Twilight's only source of information on how an alicorn's body worked was Celestia—and she wouldn't talk. Twilight wasn't even sure if she was completely immortal now or not. It seemed like she could recover from any injury within seconds, but so far, they had only been minor injuries. She hadn't actually attempted to cheat death yet. She was too scared to.

If she wasn't immortal, she would die. And if she was immortal, then…

Twilight shook her head. She didn't want to think about that.

That was the thing that really weighed on her mind. Who cared about her ability to recover from injuries—the important part was, did she age? Would she ever grow old, or die? If her body constantly reverted to "a state of perfection," did that mean…?

No. There was no way of knowing. That was the one thing Celestia refused to give any answer to. Twilight was left to figure that out herself. And the only ways for her to do that was to risk death… or wait.

Until she had proof that her body had stopped growing, or she actually survived a mortal blow… she would not know.

And so, in her hesitation, she chose to wait.

Even though the evidence she had at her disposal was not in her favor.

There were two things about her transformation that proved there was something deeply unnatural about it.

For one, she no longer… produced waste. That, no matter how you looked at it, meant that her body violated the law of conservation of matter.

For two, she no longer had to sleep. That, no matter how you looked at it, meant that her body violated the law of conservation of energy.

Those two laws had been proven scientifically time and time again.

And yet, right now, her own body violated them.

What did that mean?

– – – –

Twilight sat down in her recently appointed Royal Office™ and got to work. While her new body's abilities were obviously useful for brute force and displays of strength, they were also equally as useful for a more sedentary lifestyle. Never again would she have to worry about making her back sore from reading too long, using too much magic from writing too long, or even taking breaks to stretch or go to the bathroom. She could sit down and read and do paperwork for a week straight if she wanted, and the only fatigue she would suffer would be mental. And even then, it would not be tiredness—just boredom.

Perhaps because of this, Celestia had assigned Twilight an absolutely horrible amount of paperwork to handle. Most of the time, she was so caught up in those duties she hardly had time to step outside. If there was a way to prevent Twilight from realizing if she was truly immortal or not, this was it. Holed up like this, she would never end up in situations that would test her strength.

Twilight sometimes wondered if that was intentional.

Lately, she had been assigned quite a bit to do in regards to the human colony. Apparently, one of the mayors there had suddenly grown shrewd, and took advantage of every loophole they could find to stave off Celestia and her forces. Celestia, growing tired of dealing with the situation, passed management of it over to Twilight. But since she knew that Twilight would likely go easy on the colony if she knew the whole situation, she decided to obfuscate things a bit.

Every week, Twilight would receive two conflicting reports about what was happening in the human colony. One was the truth, and the other was a lie. She was never sure which was which, and Celestia cut off every means she could use to find out the truth. Given this information, she had to write instructions on how to deal with both scenarios, with no idea which one was actually going to be used.

She tried to figure out which report was reality, but through intuition alone, she could not make any headway. Both worlds the reports described seemed equally ridiculous—the rogue mayor was either Hillary Clinton, a fairly average human politician that had suddenly turned into a masked, caped warrior for justice, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, a human actor known for governing one of the largest and most inefficient states in the world.

One of them was real.

The other was not.

Or were both real, or neither real?

Twilight could not tell. Nothing ever jumped out as an immediate fabrication. But as the months went on, it became increasingly obvious that no matter which of the mayors was real, Twilight, even with this many handicaps, was consistently outwitting them. Whoever they were, they were likely cursing her name for squashing their efforts. But really, she didn't even know who they were.

Of course, she could have just gone down to the human colony to check. But Celestia had expressly forbidden that. And Twilight wasn't sure what Celestia would do to her if she directly disobeyed her. She didn't want to find out what she was capable of withstanding, so she didn't resist. Even though she had so much power at her disposal, she obeyed Celestia even more meekly than before.

Her friends must've thought she was being weak for not trying to help them from her position of authority.

And they were right.

She was being weak.

She was scared.

So scared she did nothing.

Nothing at all, but meekly obey…

– – – –

There were a couple knocks at the door, and Twilight got up to answer. It was her one and only appointment that day—one she dreaded.

"Hello, darling!" Rarity said, bursting in and holding yet another dress with magic. "Here you go, your latest piece, just like you ordered!"

If Spike was there, he might have reconsidered his pledge to never take the STD plunge with Rarity. She was handling the extra years quite well, and was beginning to actually wear some of her ensembles.

Twilight didn't understand it, but there was something about clothes that just made men wild.

But Twilight had released him from his duties long ago, and had no idea where he was now. He had taken the opportunity to be away from her and her friends… a little too enthusiastically…

"Thanks," Twilight said. She hastily grabbed the dress from Rarity's grasp and, unbeknownst to her, discreetly applied for cleaning spell to it. "At least I can use you for something," she muttered.

"What was that?"

"O-Oh! Nothing!" Twilight stammered, although she was perfectly capable of hiding the truth without such theatrics if she wanted. With her increased strength had come increased control—she could maneuver every part of her body down to the millimeter she had to. She had only stammered to irritate Rarity. "I just never realized how much… schmoozing being a princess entailed."

Rarity made a cocky grin. "And having dresses made by the most popular fashion designer in Equestria must be quite a conversation starter, am I right?" she said, doing things with her eyebrows.

"Er, yes," Twilight said, hanging the dress up. She did have to admit, Rarity's dresses did look good. Her increased senses had only given her more respect for that. The amount of detail in them really was incredible. It was hard to believe such delicacy could come from such… a jackass.

Twilight tried to be polite, though. "It must be tough, though. I'm sorry for putting in all these last-minute orders, but you know how Celestia is." She looked at the the dress again. "Seriously, how do you even do this? I just called you yesterday…"

Rarity seemed a bit caught off guard by Twilight's calm response, but carried on. "Oh, you know," Rarity said coyly, "someone's famous as me always has to be prepared."

Twilight also grinned. "Oh, don't tell me these dresses are actually store-bought or something…" Not that she would care if they were. Arrogance aside, Rarity was right. Having her name attached to them meant Twilight could avoid talking about herself at parties, which was a small mercy, and having Rarity's price tag attached to them meant she had a pretext to slowly decimate Celestia's treasury. Even though money was probably a meaningless concept for someone like Celestia, it still felt good to get back at her a little bit.

The look on Rarity's face told her that wasn't quite it, though. "The truth is," she said, smiling, looking out a window in the direction of Ponyville, "I haven't made you a new dress for a couple years now."

A cold shiver ran up Twilight's spine, and her heart, to the degree that it had kept beating, briefly stopped. Her eyes grew wide, and her forehead creased as she tried not to think about the implications of what Rarity had just said. "What? What do you mean?"

Rarity looked back, smiling innocently, but to Twilight, it looked much more devious. "I made about 20 dresses for you in advance a couple years ago," she said. "Your measurements were changing so little, I figured, why not? That way I wouldn't have to keep holding up everyone else's orders when yours came in. Usually it would be a problem to keep up with the trends doing that, but seeing as I set the trends…" She walked over to Twilight. "Not to mention, the look on your face right now is just incredible. Totally worth it."

"Rarity…"

"If you want to fire me, that's fine. I'll just give you all the dresses at once. I really—"

"Rarity," Twilight said with a little more power than she wanted, making Rarity jump. "What exactly do you mean by 'too little'?"

"Oh, you mean your measurements?" Rarity said. "Ever since you become, you know, an alicorn, they've been really consistent. I guess—"

"How much? How much of they changed!?"

"Well, not at all, really. Just by a couple centimeters, to be honest, but that might have just been…"

Twilight was having difficulty breathing evenly now—or at all, really. "Do you have my measurements from right after my ascension on file?"

"Yes, of course, but they're at home, so…"

Twilight glared. Rarity retreated a bit more. "Tell me where. I'll pick them up."

Rarity finally noticed that something unusual was going on. "Twilight? What are you…?"

"I want you to remeasure me," Twilight said. "As accurately as possible. And I want you to compare it to that day five years ago… and see if it's changed. At all."

– – – –

A couple minutes later, Twilight teleported back with her old measurements and Rarity's tape measure, and Rarity got to work. She measured Twilight's every nook and cranny, looking back to her old measurements and frowning occasionally. But even then, she'd just shake her head and continue on. Twilight didn't ask anything while this was going on. She didn't want to know the result until the very end.

After measuring a few areas Twilight was reasonably sure were not needed for any respectable dress, Rarity stood back, sighed, and said it.

"Well, Twilight," she said, "I don't know how to say it, but… nothing's changed. Not by a millimeter. Even your hair… I don't think it's grown an inch."

Twilight stood there, completely still. She froze, and more than just metaphorically. She was completely still. The need to blink, to breath, to act alive left her.

Because she had finally gotten it.

Proof.

Proof that her body… had stopped growing.

"Well," Rarity laughed ruefully, "I guess it's true. Celestia and Luna have lived for thousands of years. I guess you're eternally young too." She clicked her tongue, irritated. "What I would give to be in your position…"

Twilight twitched. She could have punched Rarity in the face right there.

How could she?

How could she!?

She knew.

She knew!

She knew!

Celestia knew. This whole time. She knew.

She knew Twilight wouldn't age.

She knew she would have to outlive everyone she knew.

To watch generation after generation die.

To watch entire civilizations rise and fall.

To see every type of war, every type of disaster, every type of depravity with her own eyes.

She knew that the life of the mortal would become a blink of the eye to her.

Celestia knew that Twilight's friendships were the only things that mattered to her…

…and so she found a way to take that away.

No, it was worse than that.

She did more than just sever her ties with her friends.

She severed Twilight's ties with every other being in the world!

This was no reward!

This was never a reward!

No, this was torture!

This was Celestia's best and worst torture!

"Twilight…?"

Twilight glared at Rarity with a fury unknown to most beasts, making her hide in a corner like a small prey animal.

Twilight was done pretending to be a normal, mortal pony. She was clearly something else, and in this form, her anger reached new heights. At that moment, she probably could've killed something.

But then, she realized there was a more appropriate way to direct her anger.

There was one other thing she needed to find out.

Quickly, she searched the room, and took a hatchet off the wall. That must've been part of her plan too. Celestia knew that she'd realize this eventually, and would inevitably…

"TWILIGHT!? WHAT ARE YOU—!?"

– – – –

There were very few states you could walk through Canterlot Castle and not be harassed by any guard for any reason.

Twilight was in one of those states.

She slowly walked through the hallway up to the throne room. Her steps were slow, graceful, but also dangerous, as if with each step, she was holding back in order to avoid crushing the floor. Her face was filled with fury.

Despite what many people thought of her, Celestia rarely got angry. Even in her worst moments, she merely laughed at you, and deemed you too insignificant to deal with. So, for many, this was the first time they had actually laid eyes on a truly angry alicorn. It had an effect on them that they could not quite explain.

Just like humans are programmed to be instinctually afraid of a lion's growl… they were instinctively afraid of her.

The truth was, though, they had nothing to fear. She was focused on one point. She hardly even noticed the other people in the castle. She focused on one point, and she was going to get there, and no one was going to stop her. That wasn't because she would knock anyone who tried out of her way—it was because no was going to try to stop her.

Finally, she reached the tall doors of the throne room… and threw them open with her hooves. Usually, that was a job reserved for the two guards next to the doors, and it took them a good minute to push them all the way open. But for Twilight, it was something she did with her bare hooves in mere seconds. A thunderous boom filled the room as the doors collided with the walls at a speed they certainly were not designed for.

Everyone in the room fell silent and looked upon her.

Celestia, in particular, stopped what she was doing, and made direct eye contact with her.

Twilight's glare only intensified, and she let out a low growl. It was probably much more intimidating than she had intended…

…for the hatchet embedded directly in her neck mangled her vocal cords considerably.

Celestia smiled. "I take it you found out, then?"

Twilight did not honor that with a response.

Celestia looked around the throne room. "I would recommend leaving," Celestia said. "While your appointments may have been made months, or even years in advance…" Celestia looked at Twilight once more. "…I have been waiting for this day for millennia."

There were no objections from the crowd, who quickly and respectfully shuffled out. Even the guards left, and after receiving a subtle wing signal from Celestia, they pulled the doors closed. With a similarly loud thud, they closed shut, and with a loud click, they were locked.

"You told me," Twilight said, "that I wasn't completely immortal."

Celestia gracefully walked down the stairs, showing a predatory smoothness of movement reserved only for when she was greeting another of her species. "I told you," Celestia said, "that I saved the best for myself. That wasn't a lie." She cocked her head up, and looked down on Twilight. "Because now… I get to see you here, like this."

Twilight continued glaring.

Celestia began circling around her, letting her ethereal mane and tail trail behind her in a perfect arc. "I thought you'd be smarter than that, Twilight," she said. "I thought you'd be a little more suspicious of me. Well, I guess you were, in your own way. But you were so scared of the prospect of being truly immortal you never followed up on it!" Celestia screamed that last part, but she was not angry. She was far from angry. Instead, her face was filled with the utmost glee. "I didn't think I could actually pull the wool over you, Twilight! But it looks like I could. I've never seen anyone take this long to realize their immortality. You… truly are unique. You've provided me with a lot of entertainment for the last five years, and I'm sure you can do very well in the millennia that follow."

Twilight laughed nervously. "Millennia…" she said. "If I'm like this… eventually, I'm going to see the world itself end… aren't I?"

"Of course," Celestia said, nuzzling up to Twilight's face. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Twilight scoffed. "You do realize… that this means you're going to have to deal with me for the rest of eternity, right?"

"Trust me, Twilight," Celestia said, licking her neck, traveling up to her hair, "I am very, very cognizant of that. I've had my eye on you for a very, very long time. When you tried to kill me the way you did… that was only the icing on the cake."

Twilight's eyes widened. "You… from when I was a child, you…!?"

"That's right, Twilight," Celestia whispered into her ear. She took a breath, and then said that she had waited to say for so long. "I have been on the lookout for a new, more durable toy for a very, very long time."

Before Twilight could even react, Celestia had her pinned into a wall, sending cracks through that entire side of the room. Twilight's body wasn't doing that well either, because the way Celestia was holding her up, she was grinding her shoulder bones into dust.

Celestia, to Twilight's horror, developed an even more hideous smile than usual, and begin cackling into the air. It was as if she was letting the floodgates of a thousand years of insanity finally bubble to the surface. "That's right!" she yelled. "Luna's no fun anymore, because she's used to it! I hardy even bother with her any more! And those puny mortals just die so quickly. But you? You!? That's not going to happen with you. I can do whatever I want with you, and you'll just spring back to life like nothing happened. I can do it over and over and over again! I won't have to waste time with meaningless restraints! I won't even have to hide any evidence!"

She thrust her hoof into Twilight's stomach and ripped out whatever she could find with no real rhyme or reason. Out went a stomach, a lung, an intestine, staining the floor and both their bodies red.

And Twilight noticed—she appeared to have infinite blood.

Then, Celestia let go of Twilight, letting her mangled body fall to the floor, embedding the hatchet further into her neck, and walked over to the entrails.

"You wanted to know more about your body, didn't you!? Well, here's your first lesson!" Celestia yelled.

She stomped on Twilight's organs with all her strength.

Twilight screamed.

"That's right! We can still feel pain even when our bodies are split open like a clock!" Celestia screamed. "You understand what that means, right? You are no longer a living being as most people understand it. Your body parts are not connected by bonds of flesh and blood. Your brain no longer dictates what you think or feel. Your entire body, every inch of it, is now a vessel for your soul, and as long as a single atom of it remains, your soul will be tied to this world!"

Celestia then got out of the way, as the blood and guts on the ground began to form together again, and form vast tracts of muscles as they reattached and pulled themselves back into Twilight's body. Twilight gasped in pain and shock as they set themselves back in place.

"Of course, we can't stay that way for long. That would be a weakness," Celestia said, slowly walking over to the wheezing Twilight. "I made sure to keep that in mind when I designed the Process. Someone could always 'kill' us by splitting our bodies into a million pieces and spreading them across the globe. So, guess what? Your body can make muscles and blood veins with such force that they can break through solid stone! So no, you can't die, not even from that. You can never die. Take my word for it. Never! You're now just as much of an abomination is I am! And guess what? You'll love it!"

Twilight looked up, glaring. "You're…" she got out, "…sick."

Celestia laughed again. "Oh, I knew. I knew you'd say that," she said. "This is great. This is great! This is great!"

And with that, once again, with such speed Twilight could hardly even watch her, Celestia came over to her body and began stomping on it with all her strength, over and over, and harder and harder, letting the floor crack as much as she pleased, and when the floor started buckling too much, she made a magic shield to capture the force so she could stomp even harder and pulverize that part of Twilight's body even more, and more, and more…

It was all Twilight could do to let out a few gurgly gasps in between the intense pain she was feeling, a pain that in five minutes had far exceeded what any mortal being would feel in their entire lifetime.

"You know what the best part of this is!?" Celestia yelled. "You know!?"

Twilight could not physically respond.

Celestia leaned into Twilight, now merely stepping straight through her instead of stomping. "I know you," she whispered. "You won't let yourself experience the reprieve of insanity. You'll be conscious… fully conscious… for all of this."

And a shiver passed through her, and her wings splayed open even more, and she laughed and laughed, and bit into Twilight's face, tearing chunks of flesh off, chunks of hair and eyeball, only to watch in glee as they quickly reattached themselves with great force. She crushed Twilight's jawline, snapped her horn off, plunged it into her heart, ripped her ears off, and screamed…

…with the utmost ecstasy.

– – – –

A cold wind blew through the castle in the evening.

An unexpected visitor arrived, and entered the castle.

Spike walked to the throne room, a bit confused and more worried. No one ever actually wanted Celestia to request an audience with them. If she did, it usually meant something was wrong, she was bored, or both. None of those ended well for the third party.

But she had insisted, and went as far as to use his sneeze message system to invite him. And, well, you knew what they said. When Celestia insists…

The guards lining the hallway looked sympathetic. They had no idea why he had been called either. They could only hope, like him, that Celestia wouldn't do anything too bad to such an important dragon.

Finally, he reached the door to the throne room. The guard in front solemnly pushed it open, and Spike walked inside. It slammed shut behind him.

It felt strange to have so many people notice him simultaneously.

"Hello, Spike," Celestia said, sitting perfectly still upon her throne. She looked somehow… more confident. "You're growing up to be quite handsome, you know. I like the horns."

Spike swallowed. He smelled something unpleasant in the room and did not really want to know what it was. "W-What did you call me here for?"

"Just to talk," Celestia said, standing up. She approached Spike. "Don't worry, I won't lay a hoof on you. Unless you give me a reason to, of course."

At this point, her tail brushed against Spike's face. "Yes. Of course."

Celestia decided to give the dragon a little personal space. She walked over to a window. Not the one Twilight pushed her out all those years ago. That one made her hurt to this day. "Tell me. Has Twilight… ever told you anything about your family?" she said.

"Not really," Spike replied. "She said there were so many of those dragon eggs no one really knew what came from who."

Celestia looked back at Spike. "Aren't you curious?"

"I've never really thought about it," Spike said. "When I met other dragons, I didn't like them, so I've never pursued it."

Celestia turned around fully now, and smiled. Her wings unfolded.

Spike froze. He knew those signs. She was going to enjoy whatever happened next.

"Do you want to know?" Celestia said. "Do you want to know your true family lineage?"

Spike figured he didn't have much choice in the matter.

"I'm going to tell you something," Celestia said. "It's going to be a bit shocking, but I want you to remain calm. Will you?"

Spike nodded, wondering how she was planning to drive him insane with nothing but words.

Celestia's smile widened.

With this, the wheels of the next part of her plan would be set in motion.

"Spike… you're not adopted."

Comments

[LeoneHaxor]

"Spike… you're not adopted."

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_md1aib8NI51rrpkxqo1_500.gif

[a human]

6244706
You might think I wrote myself in a corner there.

But, of course, as usual, I wrote both halves of that scene at once, so no :p