Caverns & Cutie Marks

by TheColtTrio

Chapter 76: Running with Tails Firmly Between Legs

The ponies stumbled when Discord released them after arriving on terra firma. The mares blinked around in confusion, trying to recognize landmarks and anything familiar to pinpoint where the draconequus had brought them. Purple Heart stood on shivering legs, panting in pain as agony rippled from his chest wound.

“This is all kinds of ‘crap hitting the fan’ bad,” he gasped, eyes wide with fear.

“Hey, Psyka. Ya dead?” Light Patch asked from his prone position on the ground.

“Ya mon,” Wits End groaned, face down. “Did someone get the license number of that truck?” He paused, head slowly rising as he pondered his last statement. “Someone? Somebody. Person. On the other hand. Footwork. Guys? I think something is different.”

“Hurray for small mercies,” Light Patch cheered weakly, waving a hoof in small circles. “Oh gods, everything is pain.” He pulled himself up into a standing position. “Medic! ...Oh, wait.” He tapped himself with a healing spell. “Anyone got an idea where Discord brought us?”

“I’m right here, you know,” the mismatched being huffed. “All you had to do was ask.”

“Discord,” Fluttershy said softly, flapping towards the draconequus, “where did you take us?”

“I’m really hoping he found a control panel and shorted the wiring to get us out,” Purple Heart wheezed, limping over to a tree to rest against. “However, I think he’s shot the last of his juice.”

“We are, unfortunately, still in the game,” Discord said. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “In that direction is Roads Crossed, the first place you nine ponies saved. I thought it would be a good start for a base.”

“We’re still in the game, huh?” Rainbow Dash grunted. “Well, too bad for those bad guys. They’re trapped in here with us!”

“Nope,” Purple Heart disagreed from his seat by a tree. “We are well and truly quacked.” He frowned. “What, the censor is still on? Carp all, this is ridiculous.”

“Could be worse Purple Hea... Nope, never mind, the name thing is still on too. I call shenanigans. Also, a question, Discord. Is my assumption correct that those three have somehow wrested control of all of this,” Light Patch motioned to the surrounding area, “from you and now control it themselves?”

Discord sighed. “To some degree, they can’t completely change things like the landscape, but they do hold a substantially increased amount of power now.” Light Patch held up a hoof to silence the others.

“Then please do allow me to be the first to congratulate you.”

“On what?” Twilight shouted, glaring at the grey pegasus.

“Let me finish. Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on being Holodecked, Discord. Well done,” Light Patch said, slowly clapping.

Wits joined in with a single clap. “You done? ‘Cause I might be a while here.” Light Patch waved a hoof for him to go and Purple called from his tree spot.

“Go ahead, I need a few more moments.” Purple Heart said still leaning on the tree. “I’m still made of hurt.”

“I do think you shouldn’t go too hard on him though. He didn’t know us or our culture. But, that should have made him more cautious, so…do carry on,” Light Patch said, bowing out of the way. The mares just stood and stared, dumbstruck at the casual conversation. Discord was fidgeting.

“Right.” Wits coughed and stretched his neck, eliciting a pop and a sigh. The mint-colored stallion closed his eyes took a deep breath in and held it for a second, as if to calm himself. Finally, his eyes opened. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE CAPTAIN’S SHINY, SHINY SCALP IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN, DISCORD?”

Discord blinked. “Well I-”

“Not finished,” Wits interrupted. “First of all, you pulled us out of our original world, which was incredibly uncool of you, and I really think you owe us an apology for that. Then, you-”

“Right before we were about to fence too, don’t forget that bit,” Light Patch quickly interjected.

Wits nodded. “Yes, good point. You interrupted us when we were about to beat each other up. Then, you grabbed bits out of our brains in order to make the perfect villains,” he made air-quotes around the last two words, “which I’ll come back to in a minute. Then, you neglected to get rid of those villains once you were done. You really should recycle, you know.

“THEN, you jumped ahead in the story, skipping what I assume was a lot of worldbuilding and I’m really sad that we missed it. I think you owe me an apology personally for that. And finally, you decided that once we finished your final chapter, instead of just getting us straight outta dodge, you should just sit around and shoot your mouth off for a while, with the villains sneaking up behind us.”

Discord coughed uncomfortably. “Can I just-”

“I. AM. TALKING.” Wits End shot a glare at the mismatched creature that sent a chill down his heavily curved spine. “About that thing where you reached inside our brains to make these villains. Who the heck do you think we are, anyway?”

“Filled with a surprising amount of anger,” Discord muttered.

“That’s right! Writers! You literally chose the worse people to grab villains from! It’s like you decided to get a haircut from freakin’ Sweeney Todd! It’s dumb! And stupid! And stupid! And also dumb!”

“NUMBER THREE!” Purple Heart cried from where he rested, startling the Mane Six and Discord with his non sequitur interruption. “TOWNS! AND THE RPG!”

“And finally!” Wits said, having used the purple barbarian’s interruption as a chance to breathe in again. “None of this would’ve happened if you were just like,” he scrunch his chin into his neck, taking on a warbling, comical voice, “oh, I’m Discord, and I’m bored! I’mma grab me a bunch of guys from humantown and use them to make me not bored! Derpadoo!” His voice dropped back to normal as he glared in unamusement at the draconequus. “That was an impression of you, by the way.”

Applejack looked up from the small sundial she’d made from rocks to keep track of how long the rant had been going. “Ya’ll finished?”

Wits End sat down, slumping slightly to one side. “Yeah, I’m done. Kinda light-headed now.”

“Whew,” Discord sighed in relief, wiping his forehead off before it reconstituted back. “Glad that’s over with.”

“Not exactly,” Purple Heart grunted, heaving himself to his hooves. “I’m still not amused.”

Wits leaned over and tagged Purple Heart. “You’re up, buddy.”

“Um, we all may be mad at Discord right now,” Twilight piped up, “and it’s obvious he deserves it. But don’t you think we have other things to worry about?”

“Yeah,” Applejack agreed. “We’re just addin’ insult ta injury.”

“LOOK AT ME!” Purple Heart snapped, pointing a hoof at his bandaged chest. “Notice anything interesting?”

The mares looked at the injury for a second. Bandages and duct tape were wrapped tightly around the purple earth pony’s chest, protecting the fresh skin from further infection.

“What about it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“It’s not healed yet,” Purple Heart growled. “Right now, I’m not angry at Discord for bringing us to this carpforsaken land. Heck, it was even fun in the beginning, meeting you all and having an adventure! It was awesome! But now? This has become real. It’s no longer a game. The rules have changed.”

“Awwe, you’re joking,” Pinkie chided, bouncing over and striking Purple Heart directly on his bandages. When the Purple Barbarian dropped like a stone, gasping for breath and moaning in pain, the Mane Six stared in shock.

“You blathering pink dumpkoff!” Purple Heart screamed. “What did I just say?! The rules have changed! We get hurt now! Seriously hurt! If Lady Sunbuns had punched me now, I’d be dead! Wake up! Actions have consequences! So you better be darn sure you don’t get hit by anything lethal!”

Light Patch walked over and used some of his healing magic on Purple Heart to take the edge off his pain. “Calm down dude. I understand you’re angry, we all are...and scared. But, she didn’t know about how they’ve changed the damage rules. If we fracture the party now, we’re all doomed.”

“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” Rainbow Dash sneered with a roll of her eyes. “You three are from another world. You’ve been travelling with us for weeks and not once did any of you even mention that fact.”

“We couldn’t,” Purple Heart said, his tone more calm as he breathing slowed. “Discord put a speech spell on us to keep us from using our own terms for things or something similar. For instance, you say ‘somepony’, ‘anypony’, and ‘on the other hoof’. Us humans say ‘someone’, ‘anybody’, and ‘on the other hand’. Ever noticed how we’d paused when we said somepony or something similar? We were trying to speak normally, but we couldn’t.”

“Didn’t stop you from lying to us when we asked where you three were from,” Rainbow shot back. “And did any of you actually try to say anything about where you were from? All the answers I remember were in vague, non-specific terms, like you were actively avoiding talking about it.” She leaned in, pawing at the ground like a bull. “So as weird as it is to say this, maybe you shouldn’t be so fast to blame Discord for all of this.”

“Ah don’t wanna get too dramatical,” Applejack chimed in, “but Dash’s got a point. Even if ya’ll couldn’t say where ya’ll were from, ya could’ve said ya weren’t ponies. It’s one’ve them…” She glanced at Twilight. “Reductive reasoning things?” The farmpony frowned as she watched the alicorn. “Twi?”

Twilight was staring down at her hooves. “Discord?” she said quietly, almost too quiet to be heard. “Can you take us home?”

The draconequus coughed into his claw hand. “Ehm...next question?” he asked. Seeing the mares’ unamused faces, he sighed. “I can’t. I literally have next to no power. I could probably give your Princess Cadence a run for her money, but barely.”

Twilight gaped. “She has more experience than I do as well as marginally more magic!”

“Like I said, next to no power,” Discord sighed. “I spent any excess I had by healing Purple Heart and bringing us here. Teleportation isn’t cheap, you know. It costs a great deal of magic.”

“So we’re stuck here with Moriarty, Doflamingo, and Handsome Jack,” Purple Heart groaned. “Wonderful. How’d you even lose all your magic in the first place?”

“They pulled a pseudo Promised Day on me,” Discord admitted. The three colts blinked.

“Did you just make a culture reference? Did he make a culture reference to us?” Light Patch asked. “I am very proud and confused as I don’t know what you're referencing.”

“I think he did make a reference,” Purple Heart hummed. “Guess digging around in our brains acquainted him with our culture. Seems like someone will get our jokes now.”

“Um, excuse me,” Fluttershy interjected timidly. “But what does he mean by ‘Promised Day’?”

“Nothing good,” Wits End said. “It means our villain friends pulled Discord down from high atop the thing and ate his powers.” He frowned, rubbing his chin with his hoof. “Which explains why they were so powerful. Well, why Bael and Patchy’s lover were so powerful. Holdfast seems to have some sort of Number 66 slash Number 48 deal for friends.” He grumbled. “So, we can’t Alt-F4, it’s Discord’s House of Villains all up in here, and the party dynamic is fracturing. Is this where we end on a cliffhanger for six months?”

Author's Note:

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Comments

[Seeking Dusk]

So, does that mean if they pound on the Villainous Three hard enough they would be forced to release the stolen powers of god?

[bluemoon1996]

“That’s right! Writers! You literally chose the worse people to grab villains from! It’s like you decided to get a haircut from freakin’ Sweeney Todd! It’s dumb! And stupid! And stupid! And also dumb!”

People with infinite imaginations for horrible horrible events to happen to their characters... yeah, you done goofed discord