No matter how long Sweetie stared at the butt plug, she couldn't figure out which end went inside her or how far she should put it inside of herself. It made no sense to put the jewel end in first but the other end was huge! There was no way she could take such a large object inside of her, plus the tapered 'handle' didn't make any sense to her. It was too small to effectively hold and only added to Sweetie Belle's confusion.
Fleur Dis Lee couldn't help but smirk as she correctly guessed that Sweetie didn't know what to do next.
You're doing it again. Remember: Your POV character is Sweetie Belle. You can't tell the reader what's going on in Fleur's mind. You have to show it through dialogue and action.
Fleur nodded, recalling her own uncomfortable experience when she first began her career. There was of course a small trick she had learned from her own mentor many years ago on how to relax enough to walk with the plug inside, but it wasn't something every model was comfortable doing. However, Fleur liked Sweetie Belle; the younger unicorn reminding her of a younger version of herself, and with a coy smile Fleur instructed Sweetie to try walking again.
And again, you're doing this. If your narrative POV character is Sweetie Belle, you can't do this. It reads as sloppy and lazy writing and takes the reader out of the story.
I kinda like that their nudity isn't objectified that much. But as chauvinistic as it sounds, I hope this is Diamond's way of coming onto Sweetie. Diamond being a dick for the sake of being a dick has become... boring. And grating. I suppose what I'm saying is I'd like to see a good reason as to why she's acting the way she is. She wants to be a model? She's jealous? She envies Sweetie? Something...
5501663 It's not out of the question for perspectives to shift to help develop a story. Sure didn't take me out of the story and I think it's disrespectful to the author to call them lazy when they're putting out good work.
I swear to the gods Camel! If have Diamond Tiara humiliate Sweetie Belle and don't have her end up with a happy ending I'm gonna...gonna...oh who am I kidding...I know whose stories I'm reading...*looks at Fire In Her Eyes story and all your others* Yeah...I know what to expect...Seriously though. Please. Not Sweetie Belle. Anypony but sweet little Sweetie Belle.
5501663 Don't third person perspective stories allow the writer to show us what's going on with the characters' thoughts without getting confused on who's telling it?
5503963 Third person omniscient, yes, but the way this story is constructed is third person limited. And the problems with this story could be fixed simply by employing the first rule of writing: "Show, don't tell."
I'm not simply criticizing you. I'm trying to help you become a better writer. I'm offering you advice, as an experienced writer, on how to improve your writing technique.
Now, if all you want is for people to fap to your story and tell you "cool story bro", that's fine. But if you have any interest whatsoever in becoming a better, writer, you'll pay attention and take my advice.
There is a big difference between constructive criticism and just pushing your opinion down everyone's throats. Your opinions, correct or not, need not be thrown at us over and over like this. Even if I agreed with you (which I do to an extent), I would still disregard you because of this holier-than-thou attitude with which you push your agenda.
More importantly, ultimately, the reader doesn't care about if it's by the letter of the law; especially in non fiction that's a complete non factor. I've read plenty of stories here and elsewhere that followed no literary rules or structure and yet were fantastic because they told a compelling story. If the story grabs you, as this one has quite a few people here, that's what really matters; by the same token, the most perfectly written textbook is still impossible to read unless you're interested in the topic because it's painfully dry...
So, bottom line, as Camel already stated, your opinion has been noted. Now kindly shut the fucking hell up and enjoy the fucking story!
... Or don't, I don't actually care if the way we do things hurts your enjoyment or not, you're just a statistic to me...
A REAL writer would accept that, like artists, each writer has their own style. I'm glad your own stories are popular and all, but so are mine, and I DON'T need to change what I do to simply be 'right' by your standards. This is what's fucked up with a lot of people now; they feel compelled to make everyone like them instead of accepting differences, but when someone does the same to them they start notching about lack of equality and oppression. So you know what; fuck you. I tried being nice before, but you don't seem to get it.
NO, I will not change my writing style to make you happy. NO, I will not tolerate any more bitching from you about how YOU don't like my writing style. If it bothers you that much, feel free to NOT READ what I write.
5503987 is correct in his criticsm, but forgets that the primary objective of an artist is to engage the maximum number of people possible. There are times where the rules can be bent to facilitate what the author thinks feels right. Between standards A and B are various gradients of acceptable drift.
While it may not be correct on a purely technical level; I, for one, am fine with this story that is presented in third-person limited having a small degree of omniscient presentation of a sympathizing character. A line or two here or there where we get a brief look into Fleur's thoughts does not make the story bad. It may throw a few people off for a second, but it isn't as bad as having the perspective shift back to Spike in Ponyville while he brushes his teeth and wonders why Sweetie Belle wanted to carry her own suitcase. That would take anyone out of the story.
You're a good writer, Moth, but rules can be bent a bit from time to time. No two people have the same standards of engagement when it comes to literature, no matter what they may commonly enjoy. My sister and I both LOVE R. A. Salvatore's Forgotten Realms novels and Harry Potter, but whereas I will reach for Dracula, by Bram Stoker, she has the whole Twilight Saga.
You are right to follow your muse. There is nothing inherently wrong with a slight sideways drift in perspective in a third-person story with a single consistent viewpoint character. It would be unforgivable if it were FIRST-person, but that is not the case here. The only thing you absolutely shouldn't do is let us see into the head of the antagonist. That would be a very bad idea. Note that I said shouldn't, not can't.
As a writer once made a character say about rules:
I'm gonna give you a pass on that only because I know a lot of the audience of this story don't know me and Camel all that well. But yeah... we're kind of a creative team, so most everything one of us posts, both of us worked on.
Oh, we gonna see some lesbian action between Diamond and Sweetie?
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140927224455/disney/images/9/98/Popcorn.gif
This is going downhill for Sweetie fast.
5501385 Dittoed.
*Passes the soda*
5501408
I have a bad feeling.
FUCKING DIAMOND TIARA!!!
I really hope Fleur will help Sweetie out of this. That bitch seriously needs a change in attitude.
Where is the security guards only the models and the unstructers should be in that room.
You're doing it again. Remember: Your POV character is Sweetie Belle. You can't tell the reader what's going on in Fleur's mind. You have to show it through dialogue and action.
And again, you're doing this. If your narrative POV character is Sweetie Belle, you can't do this. It reads as sloppy and lazy writing and takes the reader out of the story.
5501663
Your opinions have been noted.
Yay, update :)
I kinda like that their nudity isn't objectified that much. But as chauvinistic as it sounds, I hope this is Diamond's way of coming onto Sweetie. Diamond being a dick for the sake of being a dick has become... boring. And grating. I suppose what I'm saying is I'd like to see a good reason as to why she's acting the way she is. She wants to be a model? She's jealous? She envies Sweetie? Something...
THE PLOT THICKENS.
Seriously, I was looking for a guilty pleasure story, and I struck gold. You're doing good work here, Camel.
5501663 It's not out of the question for perspectives to shift to help develop a story. Sure didn't take me out of the story and I think it's disrespectful to the author to call them lazy when they're putting out good work.
Dat ending tho
This is where Fleur gets Diamond and her family banned from the show.
I swear to the gods Camel! If have Diamond Tiara humiliate Sweetie Belle and don't have her end up with a happy ending I'm gonna...gonna...oh who am I kidding...I know whose stories I'm reading...*looks at Fire In Her Eyes story and all your others*
Yeah...I know what to expect...Seriously though. Please. Not Sweetie Belle. Anypony but sweet little Sweetie Belle.
Still love your writing though :3
5502667
I usually only tag those involved in the actual clop.
5501663 Don't third person perspective stories allow the writer to show us what's going on with the characters' thoughts without getting confused on who's telling it?
5503963 Third person omniscient, yes, but the way this story is constructed is third person limited. And the problems with this story could be fixed simply by employing the first rule of writing: "Show, don't tell."
5501688 I want you to understand something:
I'm not simply criticizing you. I'm trying to help you become a better writer. I'm offering you advice, as an experienced writer, on how to improve your writing technique.
Now, if all you want is for people to fap to your story and tell you "cool story bro", that's fine. But if you have any interest whatsoever in becoming a better, writer, you'll pay attention and take my advice.
Heh, it's funny how a little thing like a huge vibrating but plug can make you forget your embarrassment at being naked in front of ponies...
5503987
I want you to understand something:
There is a big difference between constructive criticism and just pushing your opinion down everyone's throats. Your opinions, correct or not, need not be thrown at us over and over like this. Even if I agreed with you (which I do to an extent), I would still disregard you because of this holier-than-thou attitude with which you push your agenda.
More importantly, ultimately, the reader doesn't care about if it's by the letter of the law; especially in non fiction that's a complete non factor. I've read plenty of stories here and elsewhere that followed no literary rules or structure and yet were fantastic because they told a compelling story. If the story grabs you, as this one has quite a few people here, that's what really matters; by the same token, the most perfectly written textbook is still impossible to read unless you're interested in the topic because it's painfully dry...
So, bottom line, as Camel already stated, your opinion has been noted. Now kindly shut the fucking hell up and enjoy the fucking story!
... Or don't, I don't actually care if the way we do things hurts your enjoyment or not, you're just a statistic to me...
5503987
A REAL writer would accept that, like artists, each writer has their own style. I'm glad your own stories are popular and all, but so are mine, and I DON'T need to change what I do to simply be 'right' by your standards. This is what's fucked up with a lot of people now; they feel compelled to make everyone like them instead of accepting differences, but when someone does the same to them they start notching about lack of equality and oppression. So you know what; fuck you. I tried being nice before, but you don't seem to get it.
NO, I will not change my writing style to make you happy. NO, I will not tolerate any more bitching from you about how YOU don't like my writing style. If it bothers you that much, feel free to NOT READ what I write.
5501385
...mentlegen.
5506179
images.wikia.com/yogscast/images/6/60/Mentlegen.png
5503987 is correct in his criticsm, but forgets that the primary objective of an artist is to engage the maximum number of people possible. There are times where the rules can be bent to facilitate what the author thinks feels right. Between standards A and B are various gradients of acceptable drift.
While it may not be correct on a purely technical level; I, for one, am fine with this story that is presented in third-person limited having a small degree of omniscient presentation of a sympathizing character. A line or two here or there where we get a brief look into Fleur's thoughts does not make the story bad. It may throw a few people off for a second, but it isn't as bad as having the perspective shift back to Spike in Ponyville while he brushes his teeth and wonders why Sweetie Belle wanted to carry her own suitcase. That would take anyone out of the story.
You're a good writer, Moth, but rules can be bent a bit from time to time. No two people have the same standards of engagement when it comes to literature, no matter what they may commonly enjoy. My sister and I both LOVE R. A. Salvatore's Forgotten Realms novels and Harry Potter, but whereas I will reach for Dracula, by Bram Stoker, she has the whole Twilight Saga.
5504885
I understand that you're trying to help, but you're doing it wrong. Please let the author speak for himself.
5505339
You are right to follow your muse. There is nothing inherently wrong with a slight sideways drift in perspective in a third-person story with a single consistent viewpoint character. It would be unforgivable if it were FIRST-person, but that is not the case here. The only thing you absolutely shouldn't do is let us see into the head of the antagonist. That would be a very bad idea. Note that I said shouldn't, not can't.
As a writer once made a character say about rules:
5507042 No the "ew" was actually about the story in itself since I didn't read it :3
5507101
I'm gonna give you a pass on that only because I know a lot of the audience of this story don't know me and Camel all that well. But yeah... we're kind of a creative team, so most everything one of us posts, both of us worked on.
5510108 Oh!
I'm gonna go take a shower now. It seems I have some egg on my face. Sorry.
OH shit
that ending twisted my nipples
bravo
good show
5511312 "that ending twisted my nipples"
gawd damnit, Diamond!
MY NIPS ARE SO HARD RIGHT NOW
Fuck you Diamond Tiara! Stop trying to make everypony feel like shit just because they're actually talented.
7426220
*looks through telescope*
*glances to second in command*
"soldier"
"yes?"
"get the inquisition"
"with pleasure"